Tired of fighting, when do you throw in towel....long

[mango]

My personal story.

My dad left when I was in 5th grade, sister in 7th brother almost out of school. (I'm now 42) He never bothered with us much after he left. My mom took advantage of this and bad-mouthed him till blue in her face. I hated my dad for years, and believed every word of my moms bitter angry words. Saying he never cared about you kids, he has his new wife now, and her kids are his now. so on...

Despite ALL that, I have since told my mom no matter what my dad did she had no business bad-mouthing him to us as kids. All it did was make us feel rejected and worthless. We were too young to handle all that hate, and it never processed well.

I can tell you now, my brother, sister and I have tried to make contact with my dad and it BOTHERS us to this day that he will not extend an invitation to meet with him or get to know him. I wish he WAS around whenI grew up. I want him to be proud of me, and meet my husband and meet his "own" grand kids. But he avoids meeting.

We would like to move forward, and forget the past, but he won't.

I still don't really know the details of the divorce, my my tends to be a bitter lady, maybe she has a right to be, but I wish she would move on too. She still bad-mouths him and I'm in my 40's !! She does not like the idea of us wanting to meet him either. She feels she did all the work raising us, why would we want to meet with him...so on so forth.

I am telling you this because I think you should write a letter to your daughter (or call) and try to re-connect. Try to heal those wounds. I wish my dad would. Time can heal.

[Renee]

I had no idea when I posted last what was around the corner for our family.  Last Saturday my SD returned to us!  She came to us out of the blue and we had no idea until about a half hour before it happened.   I had talked about my SS in the last post because he had returned and I wanted to let you know that things can turn around when you least expect it and I mentioned how we were going through it with one of my twin SD's and that the other was in the works.   Well, BM's having everything blow up in her face.  My SD daughter returned to us after not being with us for 15 months.  I was always worried that when that would happen that things could be awkward.  Especially because of the false accusations made by her (because of BM), but that was not the case at all.  We always knew who was truly behind the schemes and k.new that my SD was a victim of her BM.  When she came back last Saturday morning, by the afternoon nobody would have known that she hadn't been a part of our family for that long.  I think the quietness in the beginning was her trying to figure out how she would be accepted.  Everyone got along so well and interacted just the same as the last time she was here.  It is such a relief to have her home.  We can finally have a family picture taken again after two years!  We didn't ask her anything about why she waited so long or anything else.  We just told her how much we love her and how happy we are that she is with us again and besides buying her some new clothes because she had grown ( I guess that's what kids do) we didn't act any different.  We wanted all of the kids to feel equal.  

We are now going to go for 50/50 and if that doesn't work we will have a home study and go for full custody.  The kids need and are entitled to two loving parents who can provide a stable environment.  My SD didn't have a very good influence while being brainwashed by her BM but now we can work on undoing the damage just simply by setting good examples and loving her as she deserves to be loved.  She had decided to take out her nose piercing....thank goodness!  

I just wanted to let you know so that you could continue to have some hope.  We didn't have to do anything.  We left it up to BM to keep showing her true colors to my SD and finally she had enough.  I had hoped that it would happen soon before anything bad happened (becoming pregnant, running away, stealing, etc) because my SD has such a good heart.  That is sadly what made her an easy target.  My husband told me that since my SD was very young, BM has always said that my SD doesn't have an original thought in her head.  She used that innocence to try to hurt us and break our family up.  Our faith in God and love for each other and our kids held us together and now without much effort things have turned in our favor and for the good of our family.  Most importantly WE can hold our heads up for who we are and how we have behaved.  Kids are smart and they can see people for who they are and they know when they are truly loved and put first or just being used.  In the end, BM will get what she deserves and it will be because of HER own actions and bad decisions.  She really should put more time into doing what is best for her children instead of so much effort in trying to hurt us.  I truly believe that she will never see her wrongdoing or that what she does hurts her kids and so therefore it is up to us to give them what they need that they don't get from her....not just physically but more importantly emotionally.

I will pray that the same happens for you....and soon so that you too may pick up the pieces.  I hope that this will help in some way to help you keep your head up and have some hope for your family.   God Bless.

[mango]

Well, it's hot/cold. She called before this weekend with excuse that she needs help with math and her step-grandad (who actually is not even married intot he family) is going to help tutor her for Friday. (He is retired math teacher). So we said OK, since she could use some help there. But why do they offer to help her on our little bits of time?

Anyway DH didn't call her on Saturday, and waited for her to call him. She finally called around 2, and he said, Well do you want to see us or not? Cause I don't really care.

This would be the thrid weekend she had some excuse to cancel and he is pretty down and hurt by it all. She said she hadn't seen us in a while and wanted to come. Maybe she got scared that he was actually going to let go of her and maybe it struck some reality. Not sure. But at any rate sshe was out on the curb waiting for him to pick her up. Which she doenst normally do.

Well next weekend is our weekend and her 13th B-day. I usually go all our and make a big deal out of B-days for all the kids. But I heard her on the phone with a friend making party plans. So this morning DH took her to school and said are you having a party for your B-day? She said yes. He said when is the party?

She said next weekend. He reminded her that it is OUR weekend, and she can't make plans on our time without talking it over with him. She was quiet.

Now, here is the problem. If we let her go "another" weekend, with her BM, we are letting her call all the shots, and not teaching her anything about respect, and commitments, etc. Not to mention how disappointed her siblings would be if they couldnt celebrate her B-day.

If we make her come to our house for the weekend and celebrate her B-day with family she might be mad, cause it ruined her "Plans". Then we are teh bad-guys.

If we say she can plan her party at our house, I feel like we are rewarding in a way. For disrepecting us. As lately she has been treating us like very unimportant people.

To be honest, we have been sucking up to this situation for YEARS, always trying to make things perfect for her so she would have nothing to complain about to her BM. But we always get slapped in the face with "one thing or another" She even complains that the temperature n the house is uneven, and she gets cold in her room, or hot. This is the stuff we hear back from BM. She is uncomfrtable there, and gets cold. Good grief. Put some socks on!

Part of me thinks she might want DH to be firm about his time with her, and make her come. Then she can play the victim with BM. Who knows.....

We are really tired of the games..................

[Renee]

I had no idea when I posted last what was around the corner for our family. Last Saturday my SD returned to us! She came to us out of the blue and we had no idea until about a half hour before it happened. I had talked about my SS in the last post because he had returned and I wanted to let you know that things can turn around when you least expect it and I mentioned how we were going through it with one of my twin SD's and that the other was in the works. Well, BM's having everything blow up in her face. My SD daughter returned to us after not being with us for 15 months. I was always worried that when that would happen that things could be awkward. Especially because of the false accusations made by her (because of BM), but that was not the case at all. We always knew who was truly behind the schemes and k.new that my SD was a victim of her BM. When she came back last Saturday morning, by the afternoon nobody would have known that she hadn't been a part of our family for that long. I think the quietness in the beginning was her trying to figure out how she would be accepted. Everyone got along so well and interacted just the same as the last time she was here. It is such a relief to have her home. We can finally have a family picture taken again after two years! We didn't ask her anything about why she waited so long or anything else. We just told her how much we love her and how happy we are that she is with us again and besides buying her some new clothes because she had grown ( I guess that's what kids do) we didn't act any different. We wanted all of the kids to feel equal.

We are now going to go for 50/50 and if that doesn't work we will have a home study and go for full custody. The kids need and are entitled to two loving parents who can provide a stable environment. My SD didn't have a very good influence while being brainwashed by her BM but now we can work on undoing the damage just simply by setting good examples and loving her as she deserves to be loved. She had decided to take out her nose piercing....thank goodness!

I just wanted to let you know so that you could continue to have some hope. We didn't have to do anything. We left it up to BM to keep showing her true colors to my SD and finally she had enough. I had hoped that it would happen soon before anything bad happened (becoming pregnant, running away, stealing, etc) because my SD has such a good heart. That is sadly what made her an easy target. My husband told me that since my SD was very young, BM has always said that my SD doesn't have an original thought in her head. She used that innocence to try to hurt us and break our family up. Our faith in God and love for each other and our kids held us together and now without much effort things have turned in our favor and for the good of our family. Most importantly WE can hold our heads up for who we are and how we have behaved. Kids are smart and they can see people for who they are and they know when they are truly loved and put first or just being used. In the end, BM will get what she deserves and it will be because of HER own actions and bad decisions. She really should put more time into doing what is best for her children instead of so much effort in trying to hurt us. I truly believe that she will never see her wrongdoing or that what she does hurts her kids and so therefore it is up to us to give them what they need that they don't get from her....not just physically but more importantly emotionally.

I will pray that the same happens for you....and soon so that you too may pick up the pieces. I hope that this will help in some way to help you keep your head up and have some hope for your family. God Bless

[Renee]

           I had no idea when I posted last what was around the corner for our family. Last Saturday my SD returned to us! She came to us out of the blue and we had no idea until about a half hour before it happened. I had talked about my SS in the last post because he had returned and I wanted to let you know that things can turn around when you least expect it and I mentioned how we were going through it with one of my twin SD's and that the other was in the works. Well, BM's having everything blow up in her face. My SD daughter returned to us after not being with us for 15 months. I was always worried that when that would happen that things could be awkward. Especially because of the false accusations made by her (because of BM), but that was not the case at all. We always knew who was truly behind the schemes and k.new that my SD was a victim of her BM. When she came back last Saturday morning, by the afternoon nobody would have known that she hadn't been a part of our family for that long. I think the quietness in the beginning was her trying to figure out how she would be accepted. Everyone got along so well and interacted just the same as the last time she was here. It is such a relief to have her home. We can finally have a family picture taken again after two years! We didn't ask her anything about why she waited so long or anything else. We just told her how much we love her and how happy we are that she is with us again and besides buying her some new clothes because she had grown ( I guess that's what kids do) we didn't act any different. We wanted all of the kids to feel equal.

We are now going to go for 50/50 and if that doesn't work we will have a home study and go for full custody. The kids need and are entitled to two loving parents who can provide a stable environment. My SD didn't have a very good influence while being brainwashed by her BM but now we can work on undoing the damage just simply by setting good examples and loving her as she deserves to be loved. She had decided to take out her nose piercing....thank goodness!

I just wanted to let you know so that you could continue to have some hope. We didn't have to do anything. We left it up to BM to keep showing her true colors to my SD and finally she had enough. I had hoped that it would happen soon before anything bad happened (becoming pregnant, running away, stealing, etc) because my SD has such a good heart. That is sadly what made her an easy target. My husband told me that since my SD was very young, BM has always said that my SD doesn't have an original thought in her head. She used that innocence to try to hurt us and break our family up. Our faith in God and love for each other and our kids held us together and now without much effort things have turned in our favor and for the good of our family. Most importantly WE can hold our heads up for who we are and how we have behaved. Kids are smart and they can see people for who they are and they know when they are truly loved and put first or just being used. In the end, BM will get what she deserves and it will be because of HER own actions and bad decisions. She really should put more time into doing what is best for her children instead of so much effort in trying to hurt us. I truly believe that she will never see her wrongdoing or that what she does hurts her kids and so therefore it is up to us to give them what they need that they don't get from her....not just physically but more importantly emotionally.

I will pray that the same happens for you....and soon so that you too may pick up the pieces. I hope that this will help in some way to help you keep your head up and have some hope for your family. God Bless.