Question on Discipline

[BigFamily]

I went through pretty much the same thing with my husband a while ago. After 5 years of "supporting" him mentally, financially and emotionally, I'd had enough. I was drowning in the situation, and I wasn't even responsible for any of it happening! When SHE did something to exacerbate the situation and I told him that he needed to take action, he would actually get upset at ME! That was the kicker.
I finally had to sit down with my husband and tell him that he either needed to stop complaining to me about his ex, to stop dragging me in the middle of that emotional roller coaster and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, or I would stop supporting him in the way I had been doing.
Now that I can look back on the situation, I realize that I was enabling him to wallow in the self-pity, the anger, the resentment, and the feeling of helplessness that he was going through by just being a shoulder that he could cry on. I was also helping HER by confirming his fears that she would take away his son by becoming just as upset, angry and helpless as he was.
He was very upset at what I had to say, but luckily the words that I choose opened his eyes and made him realize that I was right.
Complaining, crying, being angery and bitter, will NEVER solve any problem. In fact, it only helps his ex to have more control over the situation that she would have. You have to either help him take action, or not help him at all.
Please don't get me wrong by saying that not helping him at all means that you have to leave him. It would be hard, but you would need to distance yourself ENTIRELY from the situation unless/until he was willing to take action to attempt to alleviate the situation. As in, no talking to him about what his soon-to-be-ex said or did to him or his children, no paying HIS bills because he didn't have the money, etc. If he would bring it up, remind him that unless he was willing to take action, you don't want to hear about it. As soon as he was ready to stop complaining and start doing, stand behind him 100%.
Something to think about, anyway.

[crayon]

sounds good because it is as though no light bulb is going on.  there seems to be no feeling of guilt that i am totally supporting him.  he is a hard worker but he does not see the folly in giving all his hard earned money away to the black hole.  

i must add that we were "involved" before he actually physically separated and i know that is not the best course of action; we still love each other deeply, but i feel that guilt on his part for starting a new relationship before the old one ended has totally consumed him AND deep down, he feels that my part of the "penance" is to support him while he supports her.  (and both of them are NOT inexpensive!!) that "thought" has come out in so many words in some of the discussions we've had.

had i known that i would have been paying all the bills, his bills and then some, i would have never taken him in.  of course, that part was left out when he moved in; just sprung on me.  i FULLY expected him to pay the standard child support (29% of gross) and i wouldn't have it any other way, but THIS is RIDICULOUS!!!

[dsm]

It sounds to me like you are in a bit over your head.   You've got some deep soul searching to do and questions to ask of your BF - lay it out - just how long does he plan on continuing things as it is?


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dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 2
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

[crayon]

well that's the million dollar question.  BF has been technically laid off from his regular job for the last 4 weeks due to mechanical equipment break down. . . had picked up a P/T side job at low wages in the interim and has JUST started back to work at the regular job this week.  last nite, BM called to scream at him for BEING LAID OFF.  like a landlord DEMANDING $$$ "i don't care where you get it, just cough it up NOW!"  he has been paying her all this extra money all this time so she has absolutely NO reason to believe the money won't be paid up.  all she did was run up my cell phone minutes as she refused to get off her "collection" call. she threatened court action.   i encouraged BF to file divorce papers NOW and just let her know legally where she stands.

i used the approach that it wasn't fair to her (or him) to leave her hanging; that she needs the law to tell her exactly where she stands.

she has a sinking business and THAT is where all his extra money was going (not 4 the kids).  

all he did was get depressed and stop eating after the conversation.  no dinner and he didn't take his lunch with him today (although he is working 16 hour days now to "catch up" on a manual labour job).

once again, he is KILLING himself to please HER.  WHY i don't know!  she is totally living in fantasy land and thinks the law will back up her up when it comes to BF paying 3X the amount of CS he is supposed to pay.

[dsm]

And get things going.  And you need for him to do this too - or you will end up going down with him.   I see your rationalization for this not being fair to her or him - but it also is really not fair to you.  

Be careful of the decisions you make - don't let your heart guide you.  Look at things in a practical sense.  What is in this for you?  Oh, I know that sounds extremely selfish.  But a relationship/marriage is supposed to benefit BOTH people, not have one reaping while the other is suffering.

And with the phone stuff - he does have the option to hang up on her if she is being vile.
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dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 2
------------------
2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....