Reasonable Expectations

[gr8Dad]

I thought this was the "Shared Parenting Access and Resource Center".  I don't see "support" in there anywhere.  Only Access and Resource, both of which I provide.

[gr8Dad]

So how about, just for LAUGHS, we look at ALL that was said?  Okay?

I said, IN THE SUBJECT line, that I HOPED that I misunderstood, and that if she WAS missing visitation to train for a marathon, it was wrong.

To which SHE responded with:

"and really, I do not need my post analyzed to death for a judgement call on your part. (Though I expected it, nonetheless, how sad.)

I live twelve hours, one-way from my child. We are not discussing a few miles but more like 695 miles away from her.

The last four years have been nothing BUT about her. I'm VERY active in her life despite the distance. I used training for a marathon as an example of something I'd love to do, for once, for myself.

It doesn't surprise me that you intentionally refuse to empathize with how it feels to survive instead of thrive as a post-divorced parent."

She is OBVIOUSLY angry about something, and decided to take that anger out on me.  Now, if you are angry at someone else, and take that anger out on an anonymous poster for some percieved insult that simply DIDN'T occur, that would be an indicator that you needed help, or that you had some serious issues.  I simply pointed that out.

What I find MOST interesting is that it is QUITE obvious that she reacted angrily to a simply question, which WAS a misunderstanding (which I eluded to in my post by SAYING "I HOPE I misunderstand"), and NO ONE is saying a WORD to her about it.

That is what is the problem with having a board like this, and I KNEW it was going to happen.  Women are more than welcome on the Father's Board, but when a man posts over here, his post is held to some draconian standard, and a woman's transgressions are glossed over.

[MixedBag]

Brief history:

Both parents active duty military.

SHE took a job to get out of town -- couldn't mentally handle the stuff that happened in court and it was a good lateral career move too.  Put her 15 hours away one way from her daughter.

SHE married another active duty officer -- fighter pilot.

EX moved to a base that's now 12 hours away in a different direction.

So -- moving to be near her daughter is impossible because her husband can't get a job at the base her EX is at.

I was privy to the last round of "negotiations" she was having with her EX -- and you wouldn't believe what he was proposing.

I've been after her to get her original order fixed to be realistic for a long distance situation -- but her EX wants to cut time away from her and that's something she's just not willing to do.

Flying?  EX has their daughter mentally afraid to fly.....

Hope that helps you understand the details more of her situation.

[MixedBag]

An example of what Dad did to Mom (and I forgot how many times over the summer).

Their plan is the typical every other weekend situation and Mom has to pick up her daughter and bring her back.

Over the summer and school holidays, it flip-flops and Dad has to pick up the daughter and bring her back (EOW).  

The school schedule used to be a 10-month period with longer breaks and now since Dad moved too, it's a 9 month period with a really long summer break.

Dad used to keep G at the beginning of the summer and not let Mom pick up her daughter until his "weekend days" from the summer were made up because Dad refused to drive EOW to go get her.

I can see it from Dad's side -- but in the end, I say Dad's being a big you know what because Mom gave up so many weekends after Mom's military move and Dad should have just done the same.

Then there's the wonderful court system -- and this Dad knows how to use it.  Dad's in contracting by trade and NOTHING that he writes up is less than one page.  Then you add Mom's personality and all those long words and long winded thoughts of hers Mom has -- and that makes for a real fun situation.  Ain't nothing new to Mom, we've talked so many times before about the fact that Mom uses what I call 25 cent words instead of plain simple english.  But Dad's the same way.  

Anyway, right now Dad gets the full summer.  Kicker is that this summer, his wife was deployed overseas.  SO Dad went to see G every other weekend -- which amounted to about 4 trips.  Dad worked it out with his bosses somehow and didn't have to take leave even though technically he should have.  Mom has 9 months of "time" like this to have EOW.....and a husband who lives in the other direction.

I can also say BTDT with the court on two things here....

When I went back to court in 2001 because I retired, I asked the court for custody or MORE TIME with my son because I would be a self-employed SAHM.  My judge came back and said that my son was doing just fine, he didn't NEED any additional time with me.  My EX  said "Why should I give you more time when you don't use what you have?"  (Said this in court AND on the boards)....  See I have in addition to the normal stuff, "one weekend a month given two weeks notice to the EX.  My son lives a 12 hour drive from me one way and I never used it while I was on active duty.  Yea right, how am I supposed to get there by friday at 5:15 and take him back on Sunday at 7:00 pm and STILL work M-F......  

Mom manages to use it every once in a while.    And Dad wither with holds his time at the beginning of the summer or uses the EOW (first time in about 5 years).

My personal solution because I now use the one weekend a month is to turn the trip into a business expense via a rental house.  So far so good....for me because I have the time too (no M-F job to report to).

Then there's the moving issue -- and sharing transportation.  Dad will fight this every single step of the way.  Again from personal experience, DH's EX moved away from their original location.  The original court ordered a reduction in child support to offset this expense.  Then the new court took it all away citing the fact that DH makes 2x what his EX makes (though she hides income), stating that there is case law to support this.  Well, in the original court the income ratio was 95/5....and he still got the reduction in transportation.  Another thing the EX's attorney argued was that neither party lived in the original state, therefore, his argument that SHE MOVED FIRST is null and void.  We shall see how this goes as it is under appeal (still).

And yes, my court supported the fact that I pay transportation -- so I know it can happen (an offset to CS).  Their original state of jurisdiction actually does not allow an offset to CS by law.  The order will split actual responsibility.  

Dad also refused to cooperate and allow G to obtain a passport.  I know people think that parents can pose a flight risk by taking a child overseas, and my EX is the same way.  But ALL FOUR parents are active duty.  Mom isn't gonna "go anywhere" with the child without the federal government coming after her for being AWOL.  (Yep, my EX complained about the same thing -- and I was active duty. )

Mom definitely has some stuff regarding her time with her daughter to work out.....and hopefully it will get resolved over time.   Looks like she'll be moving even further away in less than 6 months and then what?  Only she knows....

[gr8Dad]

Your tagline of "People with nothing to hide, hide nothing..." was strangely familiar to me, but I just COULDN'T put my finger on it.  Then it hit me, it is a famous excuse or rational used by fascists and nazis to justify searching your person, or your place of residence, or other wise removing all of your rights.  "Vell, if you haf nothing to hide, vy vould you object to us searching your home?"

Not an insult, don't get in an uproar, merely a fact.

[olanna]

but I liken you finding that meaning to NYMOM saying deltabravo.net represented some military force to gain control of the courts...

[olanna]

and I don't remember you providing access or a resource to anyone on this board.. but hey, don't let me rain on your parade.

P.S. it's a NCM support board as defined by TGB and Dr. Jen...see, you really are in the wrong sand box!

[richiejay]

I know you don't get along with gr8dad, but why are your posts so full of utter contempt?

[olanna]

.

[Brent]

>I thought this was the "Shared Parenting Access and Resource
>Center".  I don't see "support" in there anywhere.  Only
>Access and Resource, both of which I provide.

Yes, this is a "support board, even though it's not in the name. There are a lot of things SPARC does that didn't make it into the name. :)