Best strategy to get 50/50 joint custody

[petern1973]

My basic question boils down to: Is there a right for fathers who want to be involved in their chidlren's lives to get 50% of the time with them. I am not able to find any answers to that.

I am a father, live in Illinois, have three children 9, 8 and 1. Currently staying in the same home with their mom due to the fact that the house does not sell. I currently have my chidlren 4 days a week, she does the remaining 3 and the plan seems to be working well with the exception that my oldest son calls me on the days with her multiple times complaining about her being unfair, crying and begging me to pick him up. A first 4-way meeting with the attorneys revealed that I virtually seem to have no right and will have to agree to whatever she wants. I agreed to be paying child support as said by the law, plus extra expenses such as child care and health care, despite a dramatic decline in my income, which is due to my changed work schedule to spend more time with my children.

I understand Illinois is a no-fault state, but I don't get why she can cheat on me, tell here boyfriend that she knows and is willing to risk her family for an affair, that she has exposed the children to her boyfriend very early on without my knowledge, thats he can ditch them and go on vacation to Vegas with him, bring presents home from him for them and still get 75% of the time with them. All I am asking for is equal time with them. I am a bit helpless at this time. Any advice?   

[Superdottie]

Hello.  I'm not sure I have much advice, but I do understand your situation.  I'm non-custodial step-mom to two girls (10 and 7).  We have a standard schedule with them, EOW, holidays a few weeks in the summer.  We've contacted two attorneys to discuss 50/50 and were told it's not going to happen.  SD's are very comfortable here, very close to their dad (and me) and it would seem have no adverse affects to spending more time with us.  We believe it would be to their benefit actually.  But the routine has been set that the girls live with their mom most of the time.  A judge is unlikely to change that.   

Your ex can get away with what she's doing and a lot more in my opinion (unfortunately).  My DHs ex did a lot of what you describe but while they were married and still got physical custoday.  Most courts favor the mother. 

Document the time you are spending with the kids (sounds like quite a bit).  Take them to Dr appointments, be involved in school and their day to day lives.  If you maintain this for several months at least, you may have a good case for 50/50.  Consult with an attorney to discuss what more you can do.

Good luck!

[petern1973]

Thank you so much for your advice. I am documenting and, on some occasions, actually have them now 5 days a week. I would hope that the court would see that there is a schedule set and hopefully they will not change that. Doctors appointments depend on the days she has the children. But I am there on school days. It breaks my heart to see that I cannot be the father I once promised to be, to be there for them all the time.

I have no idea who has come up with that kind of law that favors some who have shown so many times that their interest is not based on the children.


   

[shooter]

I live in Illinois and was basicly told if the BM doesn't want it you dont't get it. Didn't seem to matter how much she had you "babysit"

[MomofTwo]

When you say you have them 4 or 5 days a week, what do you mean exactly since you posted you are all living in the same home?  I am curious to your time sharing arrangements now.

[petern1973]

I was told from multiple sides that a court is unlikely to change an existing arrangement of time spent with children. Our current 4/3 days plan has been in place for 8 weeks now. She requested to get the children every other Saturday from me originally, but has declined on that so far. So she is basically out having fun every weekend. Fine with me. Hopefully the court will see that. I am not sure how different it will be when the school year starts, since our plan has been put in place during the summer break. She tells me the children need consistency, to which I agree, but i would want to keep them on Wednesdays and she claims it would be bad since the children should stay during the school week with the same parent. Not sure if that makes so much sense and if a Wednesday with the other parent can be considered a disruption. I should say that I currently live 20 mls away from my old home and there is a drive involved to bring the children to school. However, my chidlren seem to have adapted very well to the new environment and have more friends here than at the old home.

Staying under the same roof: It was a slow transition: I began staying away for two of the four days and asked her to do the same. Her parents live just 5 blocks away so that was easy. She is an ER nurse and works PM shift (yes, a cheating ER Nurse with all the cliches, including those sparkling encounters with male colleagues in a bathroom at work, while taking care of patients), which means that she came home anyway late in the day when everyone was sleeping. Later on, I found out that her mother had bugged the house and audio-recorded my private conversations, so I began staying away completely from the house and began removing items to a new place. She still lives in the house on her days with her boyfriend but stays away entirely during my days. So at least that seems to be working.    

[mastracci]

Never give up!
I think that all people who are in that boat should do what they can to  have a joint custody presumption built into law.  It is so sad. It is still common to see a "maternal preference," even when the law states otherwise. Best of luck. Mike of Divorce Without Dishonor.