BM Update and Question!

[FatherTime]

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[notnew]

To all:

I cannot remember the exact words of all the posts and who made them but...

Regarding SM communicating with BM/Enforcing Court Orders: While DH was in Iraq, SM had all the responsibilities and legal recourse in the matter available to her as if she were DH. The required power of attorney gave her the designation to handle all of DH's affairs.

YES - DH should have assumed all of his responsibilities upon his return. However, in the real world, we all know that in most relationships women handle the details of planning, coordinating, gathering information, etc.

SO, while SM has the responsibility of being the "office manager" for her family, DH should be the one to follow up with BM regarding financial issues.

SO, it would be best for Bleemom to keep mum about the issue and discuss it with DH.

NOW, this brings me to the position I have been in several times as a SMOM (this is notnew's wife posting BTW). In our case there have been several instances where BM for whatever reason hasn't provided for SD as she should (and receives CS for each month without fail). DH has purchased several winter coats for SD. What are we supposed to do? Let her freeze?

Anyone talking to BM is fruitless be it DH, me, his family, her family, the courts, etc. She does what she wants and that is not ever what is best for SD.

SD wears glasses. When she initially failed her eye exam at school, BM took no action and did not inform DH. Several months later, we found out by accident and immediately took her for glasses that I PAID for. I have also purchased two more pairs of new prescriptions for her subsequently.

There are a multitude of other things DH and me have done for SD that BM should have done. BM thinks DH is responsible for these additional costs and doesn't seem to think that CS is supposed to provide for these things too.

Where are we now? BM gets CS to take care of SD. That is all.  BM has cried in the courts and lied about DH until he is sick of hearing it. The courts look to him to keep being the "bigger person" and just sucking it up. Well, no more. We are not enabling BM anymore to use our care and concern for the child to take care of the things she is supposed to while she takes the money and spoils SD rotten. She has been very successful in being the "best friend mommy" who lets SD do whatever she wants and now SD wants no part of our consistent, structured, and life with rules upbringing. No smoking, drugs, partying all night and sleeping all day. Sorry, that is not what we are about. If that is what you want, we cannot support that.

So, yes in our case, the "court order" is the rule and nothing more. How sad that one person can take every opportunity away from a child for a loving relationship with all the members of her family, be it the mother's side, father's side, or smom's side. Things could be very different if only BM would communicate with DH and put the child's needs in front of her hatred.

Have I attempted to speak with BM? Once or twice. When my mom instincts are screaming that a child with a 103 fever that in 8 hours I haven't been able to bring down should not have been just dumped in our lap on Father's Day and DH is trying to tell BM what is going on and that SD needs to go to the dr while BM is just ignoring him. Yes, I say she really needs to go to the doctor. Hoping that BM will not just give her adult dosage of meds and let her stay home from school another week. I get cursed out in front of the child. Do I respond to that? No. I smile and drive away. There is no other way to deal with an idiot if you are not in a position to force them to do what they should.

As a mother and a person who generally cares for children, I find it very hard to disconnect from any child I am emotionally involved with who needs the care and protection of a responsible adult. However, to save my sanity and keep our lives straight, I have to. Is it right? NO.

The eye contact issue? I have spent over 7 years being silently bullied and harassed by BM in covert ways. Eye contact is my biggest weapon. When I stare coldly at her without showing any emotion, it is letting her know that she does not intimidate me. I am not afraid of her and I do not have to listen to what SHE directs me to do through the child. I am also letting her know that she is not pissing on my territory and her hold on DH is weak and the only connection is their child. It enrages her that our relationship has enabled DH to stand up to her controlling behavior and overcome her emotional abuse. She is enraged that he walked away from her because nobody does that without paying a huge price. And who is paying that price? The child is because BM is using that child to exact revenge on DH.  

There are no easy answers to these situations and that is why boards like this exist. We all come from different walks of life with different experiences behind us.

Jade - you had a poor experience with a SM. Not everyone did. Every involved SM is not a monster trying to gobble and spit out the BM and assume her role. But some are. If you have children of your own, think about the kids  your are involved with in connection to your own kids. Think of neices or nephews. How would you feel if a parent were treating them poorly? Not taking care of things as they should and being unaffected by the emotional impact of their lack of interest in their child?

That is how SM's feel. Involved, caring, wanting to help, but getting their hands slapped away every time. Sometimes we over react. Stick our noses in where we shouldn't. Step on toes. Sometimes others do the same to us.

I don't want to incite any hostile feelings here.

Bleemom - please let your DH handle this. The situation that just happened with you and BM is still raw. Let it heal. BM probably feels just as threatened when you handle matters as you do when she does things differently then  you would. It is very hard to have two women involved in care taking roles in any relationship.

Good luck.

[MixedBag]

yep, made me laugh this morning.

[MixedBag]

Bleemom has SAID (and nope, I'm not gonna find her exact words) that she will work through the Dad in resolving financial stuff.

Both Jade and Bleemom have said this, and I just want Jade to step back and see that they agree that a step-mom has to work through Dad to solve financial stuff and problems with Mom.

They both agree the court order is binding.

[lucky]

Well, let's see....

I'm a stepdaughter too.  My mother would have fallen over in shock if my stepmom had not been included in my dad's financial dealings -- whether it be about the kids or not.  

I'm a stepmom and I pay all the bills and handle all financial matters and I do mean ALL and it has been made clear to his TWO ex's that if she needs/wants something paid beyond what is automatically deducted from dh's paycheck, she comes to me or it doesn't happen.  Haven't had a problem with that yet and it's going on 10 years.

I'm also a CP mom of a daughter whose father remarried.  Their finances were handled the same way my and dh's are and I always discussed financial stuff with my dd's stepmom -- otherwise it wouldn't have gotten taken care of because my ex wouldn't bother.  And trust me, I hated the woman's guts - she's the woman he cheated with on me and then left me for, but I talked to her anyway so it would get done.

So, four situations, all of which the stepmom was included in talking to the biological mom about finances relating to the kids.  Hmmmm.  

Not saying that Bleemom should continue - in her situation she shouldn't talk to the ex, I'm just showing that it can happen and work.


[em]"One doesn't have to be a stepparent to realize that a stepparent is quite capable of making a tense situation worse. "[/em]
One also doesn't HAVE to be a biological parent to realize that a biological parent is quite capable of creating the tense situation in the first place.


[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[jilly]

Bravo!!!!!  

[Sherry1]

complicated.  I think Bleemom is one extreme and then Jade is on the other extreme, and the reality and truth is somewhere in between.  YSS who is now 16 lives with dad and me (SM).  He also lived with us for 2 1/2 years when he was 7.  OSS lived with us for 2 years also in the past.  We never had the boys at the same time.  BM lives 5 1/2 hours away, so coparenting and decision making does not happen when the skids live with us, or with her.  There is too much distance involved.  There is also a SD involved, but she never lived with us.

I would never and I mean never deal with BM over finances with the kids whether they lived with us or with her.  That is DH's place, problem, respnsibility, etc. to deal with.  There are also parenting decisions and things that go on with the kids that live with us that I will not deal with.  These kids already have two parents and they don't need a third parent.  I think Bleemom has overstepped her boundaries by taking up with the SM.  While her DH was in Iraq, she may have had to deal with it somewhat, but she needed to back out as soon as he got back.  It doesn't sound like dad really wants to step up to the plate and deal with it, it is just easier for Bleemom to take care of it.  WRONG!

I think Jade is on the other extreme where she says that the finances of the kids do not affect the stepparents and they should have no say so in the matter.  Whether my skids are living with us or with mom, it most certainly does affect the finances of the stepparent.  However, I would never deal with BM, DH knows he had better discuss any financial decisions with regard to the skids with me first.

[Mamacass]

Jade, I'm sorry that your experience with your stepmom turned you sour to step parents.  
As a stepmom, I feel compelled to reply to you.  For the most part, I try to stay out of things, and I let DH do the talking to BM.  However, my opinion does matter, I just don't usually talk directly to BM.

Here's the thing, when it comes to decisions for parenting SS, my opinion does get considered, b/c DH and I also have 2 children together.  We try to be consistent with all the kids, but also be consistent with BM's house as well.  
Finances also get discussed between us.  Yes, CS is non-negotiable, just like the mortgage, or electric bill.  However extras (like when DH was not paying bills so that he could foot the daycare bill that BM was responsible) are up for discussion.

As far as taking care of kids, sometimes the parents leave it up to the step parents to do some of the parental responsibilities.  When BM was working, it fell to me as the step mom to take care of SS when ever he couldn't go to daycare (usually b/c of illness).  I picked out the daycare that he attends.  When BM was responsible for SS's health, she fell behind on his shots and his dental.  Now that he lives with us, I make sure that he is up to date on all things medical.  
I also drive SS to school EVERYDAY, take him to his soccer practice 90% of the time (DH takes him the other 10%), and attend all his games.  I chaperone his field trips, I attend his school functions.  DH and BM attend some of the functions, but not as many as I do.  (Keep in mind I also work full time while BM is a stay at home NCP.  She has the ability to attend all of SS's functions, but chooses not to)  
I may not be SS's mom, but I am his parent.  BM may not like it, and she may be downright nasty about it, but that is her problem not mine.  We used to be able to speak amicably, but when she decided that she couldn't handle that, I let DH deal with her.  Yes, there are times that it would be easier for her to speak directly to me (especially when it comes to scheduling anything), however b/c she is so difficult, DH and I have decided that I won't speak with her unless absolutely necessary.  And now, even if she has a problem with me, she discusses it with DH,not me.  
I am not trying to replace BM, and I made that clear from the start.  In the beginning, I let her dictate how involved I was, and I've followed her lead which is to make me as responsible if not more so for her child.  This was her choice, but I am a willing participant.  


Note to Bleemom- it may not be a bad idea to remove yourself from the situation for a bit.  Yes, BM lied, yes you caught her.  She knows that and so do you.  Things are probably going to be tense for a bit, so now would probably be a good time for DH to step in and do the communication.  

[krazyfamily_6]

Yes, I am also one of those step mothers who has do the work of the BM.  I do all the running to dentist, doctors, behavioral doctors, orthodontists, extra curriculars.........all of it that my DH is unable to do because of work.

  The BM in our situation is home and available most nights to do some of the running too but chooses not to.  She would rather have me, the step mom, do it for her.  I am also at every game, every school function, every field trip..........BM is nowhere in sight for these activities.

[dipper]

I still disagree with you.  Bleemom has EVERY right to voice her opinion on money matters.  She is not circumventing a court order by doing so.  OF course, it is up to the father whether to follow through and if he doesnt, there is nothing she can do.  That is what I said in the beginning.  But, to act like she has no say-so in any matter that affects her just because she didnt give birth..that is wrong.  She and dh are a team.  While he has final say on matters concerning his child, stepmothers do have a say-so on what goes on in their/effecting their home.

The eye contact - unless she physically went over and opened the woman's lids and physically handled her eye, she could not FORCE it, so it is not illegal.   Without touching the only other thing she could do to force it would be to run around in front of bm to make sure she would have to look at her...Now, that may be grounds for a harrassment order, but looking at her is NOT....

But, further more, I have helped my dh tremendously just because he doesnt know the first thing about computers, etc.....and with my help, he got custody of his son.  Now, when dh and bm are talking I do not butt into it...unless we are in public and she is doing her cursing, etc...and I have told her to knock it off.  But, bm hates me because she knows dh and I discuss things.  

She showed her butt about it in ss' counseling session this past summer and the counselor told her that I have a right to be included in everything, that I am a part of the family.  I was not in there, I was in the waiting room...dh and ss were there.