No win?

[DecentDad]

Hi Soc,

We have standard orders that parents alternate throwing the b-day party for the child.

Per my request, we also have orders that parents will not discuss child custody matters with parents of child's "classmates" (it was my experience that biomom tried to alienate them from me).

Child has two friends who are not "classmates".  They don't go to her school.

Biomom is good friends with each of their mothers.

These parents have supported biomom's litigation for sole custody and restricting my child's time in my home via false affadavits, funding, and appearance in court with willingness to testify.

When child talks about those friends, I support her enthusiasm.  However, I don't associate with the parents (i.e., don't schedule playdates, avoid at public events when they accompany biomom to see my child perform, etc).

It's my year for the b-day party, which is at a place requiring each child to be accompanied by his/her parent.

I've invited child's entire class.

Child wanted to invite the other two girls too, and I said that biomom might want to have a private little fun thing for the three of them, since the other two don't know her classmates and it lets child celebrate a little party with biomom too.

Child seemed to accept that (she's 7, no biggie to her).

I advised biomom of my suggestion that for the comfort and inclusion of everyone, she have a little thing for child and the other two girls.

Biomom declined and is insisting that I invite the two girls to my party, else she'd like to take over the party this year.  Nowhere do court orders dictate that the non-celebrating parent has any control over the celebrating parent's birthday party plans.

Given that these parents are bad news, I don't want them near me, my family, or any other folks with whom I'm friendly.  I'd be reasonably paranoid and distracted by their presence.

One of those parents specifically exploited a prior event, at which I was present, to write an affadavit as to how fearful of me that the child was at the event.

1.  Is it a reasonable consequence that if another parent testifies against me in a custody matter, such parent would not be welcomed at a private event I'm hosting (with unfortunate consequence to the children, due to the poor judgment of the adults)?

2.  If I'm telling biomom, "Have a party for those two girls plus our child, since all of you and their parents are so tight-knit" to avoid explaining to daughter the real issues going on, does that seem child-centered enough that I'm trying to do the right thing, given the reality of alliances that those parents have made known?

3.  I see that if I DON'T invite those girls (and their parents), it can be twisted against me.  If I DO invite those girls, any information gained might be distorted and used against me (to become a battle of affadavits of attendees).  Which is the lesser of badness?

Thanks,
DD

[socrateaser]

>1.  Is it a reasonable consequence that if another parent
>testifies against me in a custody matter, such parent would
>not be welcomed at a private event I'm hosting (with
>unfortunate consequence to the children, due to the poor
>judgment of the adults)?

You shouldn't have brought it up to the other parent, but having done so, you've created a point of contention. I suggest you either invite the kids to your party, or not, but whatever you decide, stop talking about it. Just move on with life and let the child's mother decide whatever she wants to do, if anything, about it.

>2.  If I'm telling biomom, "Have a party for those two girls
>plus our child, since all of you and their parents are so
>tight-knit" to avoid explaining to daughter the real issues
>going on, does that seem child-centered enough that I'm trying
>to do the right thing, given the reality of alliances that
>those parents have made known?

I think you would blow the other parents' mind, that you are capable of ignoring their hostility towards you in favor of your child and theirs. Regardless, do what feels right and then just let the cards fall where they may.

>
>3.  I see that if I DON'T invite those girls (and their
>parents), it can be twisted against me.  If I DO invite those
>girls, any information gained might be distorted and used
>against me (to become a battle of affadavits of attendees).
>Which is the lesser of badness?

You're looking for a moral judgment, and you know I don't do that. If it were me, I'd just invite the kids. The parents will probably refuse, and then they will look bad -- not you.