Suden move across country....

[hatewelfare]

I'm not sure really were to post this but here is the skinny...

As some of you know a few years ago I won custody of my son, he is 13 in April. X had custody for 10 years. She kept screwing witth my visitation and decided to move from MN to Iowa with her mom. I fought that move and lost. The judge warned her though any more interferance would be grounds to reverse custody. 1 year later she screws up big time and acusses me of 'touching' him, I win that one and it goes to court, along with the past history of everything, I win custody. Visitation: every other weekend, Holidays split on even and odd years. and she gets summer visitation.

Now fast forward to this weekend...She tells me (in front of our son) that she is getting married and moving to New Mexico!? She wants him for the summer and is going to fly him back at the end of her time.

This is the first I her of it and apperently the first our son hears of it. I am at a loss...should I be celebrating or what? I wanted custody becaused I believed we both should have shared time with him...and I did that, I gave report cars, updates etc etc.

Now she is going to give all that up to move across country with someone that apparently niether my son or me have meet, have him there all summer and I'm suppose to be OK with it?

Has anybody delt with this before?

Part of me is worried that she is rushing into this and dragging our son into a potentially bad situation all the way across the country. The more I think about it the more questions come to mind.

1. Should I allow her summer visitation in New Mexico without even meeting this other guy?

2. What if she meet him off the internet?

3. I can't afford a plane ticket. Can I demand to see a copy of the round trip plane ticket before he goes?

4. Do I even have to allow him to go without more info?

5. Am I over reacting to be worried or wonder??

Please any advice....

[notnew]

I think you need to send her a letter (certified return receipt requested) asking her to clarify exactly what her plans are and what changes she is proposing to make to the parenting/visitation plan.

Is this a joint legal custody w/you having residential placement?

What she is proposing is a major change in circumstances and cause to modify the order meaning you get CS and she gets less visitation. Costs of transportation need to be spelled out too (she's moving, she can pay).

Once you get a letter from her indicating her wishes and confirming her intent to move, I'd file for a modification pronto. Ask her for a response by a certain date. No response, file anyway. It's better to have proof, but if you can't get a written admission, then you need to go in and have the court address the issues anyway. This needs to be soon because you know how long it takes for the court to schedule a hearing.

If she takes your child for the entire summer, she could do a lot of damage (like enrolling him in school there, etc.), before you realized what she was REALLY up to and then while you fought it out in courts before you know it, that kid has been there 6 + months and she has established a status quo with him living with her.

I would not go for this if I were you.

Not legal advice, of course.

Remember, if it's not in a court order it doesn't mean anything. You two can draw up an agreement and sign and it won't mean diddly in court.

Red Flags flying high as far as I can see.

[hatewelfare]

I now found out the guy she is marrying. It throws a wrench into everything now...Back a few years she dated and moved in with a guy for a few years(when she had custody).

She then was going to suddenly move out of state, I then filed a motion restraining order to stop the move and get a court date. She in response moved into a woman's shelter and played the game that her boyfriend was the problem she moved out and they couldn't get along. (in court she described a incident that he spanked my son for something minor)

Well I lost that case and she moved to Iowa because she couldn't stay in the woman's shelter and couldn't move back with her boyfriend so she had to move to Iowa with her parents.

Following so far?....A year later she pulls the fast one and accuses me and eventually I win and get custody after 6 months of court.

Now for the kicker...she is moving in and marrying the same guy!? She told me she made a mistake then and if she knew what she did now then she would have stayed and gotten married along time ago.

Whether or not this guy was "abusive" or not never was really dug into while in court. I got him on the stand but there really wasn't much testimony as he became a 'non-issue' as he was out of the picture and the main reason was stopping the move to Iowa.

She has expressed that she is getting married down there an wants our son to be in the wedding.

Whether or not this guy is abusive or not I'm not sure...I think my ex just has a big time mental problem. lol

The GAL thought this too and ordered us to take that long mental test (forget the name but its big bucks!) She refused and I took it and passed.

Now I know it sounds silly, but I firmly believe that my son needs to see both parents. That's why I fought for custody in the first place. I would like to not have any fears about this an stay out of court...but she is asking allot of me.

What if things go bad down there? What if she 'over reacts' again? This woman is like a snake...I knew something was coming this summer.

I told her if she gets the judges blessing she will have mine...but until then I am having problems with this.

I'm afraid if we go to court now that I could really slam her hard by getting back together with this guy and wanting our son there across the country with them, with so many unknowns and past history that the judge may order no contact with her. Which would make my son bitter towards me.

I don't think she is really 'bad' for him...but she isn't really good mental wise for him either. She is damn good at making my life hard and I always feel like my son 'reports' back to her.

The move would be a good think as far as taking her control away...which is why I wonder why she has 'given up' or if this is just part of a bigger plan of hers???

Sometimes I think I may go nuts.

Should I allow the summer visitation?

Should I hang tough and insist the judge make a ruling on the visitation?

On a move away like this is it common that the parent with custody still split the cost of visitation (plane tickets)?

How would the Judge look at me just signing a mod. for visitation only to find out it was with this same guy?

[notnew]

Did you read my post at all?

No, I don't think you should let her take the child away without a court order in hand.

No, I don't think it's a good idea to keep mum about the issue with the other guy. She accused him of domestic violence involving your child. Weather it stuck or not is non of your concern. Protecting your child is. She admitted under oath that the man had spanked the child for a seemingly minor infraction.

While I have tapped my SD's hand in the store when she was young and touching things after telling her not to several times, and NOT spanking, but giving a little swift reminder on her bottom when she was acting up out in public (however, these were when she was very young), I have NEVER spanked her. I have placed restrictions on her for rule infractions in the home. Nothing more. IMHO Kids need real spankings in rare circumstances and usually are not necessary where structured discipline is the rule.

The travel costs should be borne by her. She is making the choice to move so far away to be with someone she ran from to a women's shelter a few short years ago. Poor judgement in my opinion. If you don't make an issue out of it now,  you will lose the chance to ever make an issue out of it. I believe you don't know the whole story and there possible could be more violence involved in their relationship. Whatever the truth is, you have to err on the side of caution to protect your child.

The fact that she refused to take a COURT ORDERED psych. evaluation is a BIG deal too.

I stand by my first post - take it to the judge. I believe you will regret it if you don't. However, the decision is up to you. I'm not living in your shoes. I'm also not a lawyer, just been beat up by the legal system like most of us here. If I had custody of my kid, I'd fight this.

Good luck

[mistoffolees]

This is being discussed in one of the other forums. It's probably better to keep the thread to one forum or the other.

I won't repeat my advice from the other forum.