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What do I say?

Started by I cry_ in_the_dark, Jan 24, 2004, 04:48:20 AM

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I cry_ in_the_dark

As the stomache continues to churn...

I picked my son up last evening as usual. When he got in the car, he says, "Mom, were you going fast down the road?" I said, "No, why?"
(The X lives on a tarred and chipped road, and even in the best conditions you can only go about 15mph.) He informed me that his SM said, "Look how fast she's going. Wouldn't it be funny if she slid her A$$ in a ditch!!!" (Yes...those were the exact words.)

So all the way home, my son is saying, "Slow down mom" and "WATCH OUT!" and "Are we going to go in the ditch?" etc. Drove me nuts. WE went to the store later, and the same thing.

When we got home, he got out a  stuffed moose I had gotten him. My son (9) started calling me at all hours of the night scared from bad dreams. (I got him this moose, and told him it was his "Merry Christmoose" and when ever he got scared in the middle of the night he could hug it, and know that I was hugging him back. And yes, he could still call me, no matter what time.)
Anyways, he asked me if he could have some of my perfume to spray on it. I chuckled, and said "Sure". He said, "Then maybe dad will let me put it back on my bed. He said it smells like somebody peed on it."

Argh!!! How am I suppose to deal with this kind of stuff???


It sounds as though your ex and his wife are jealous of your relationship with your own kids...ignore them...continue to love them as you always have...and how to deal with it?  Well, pretend you never heard it...that'll peeve them off more than anything...His stepmother is teaching him a fine example..not!...why bother saying stuff like that...it hurts the KIDS, not you.

Keep your chin up and grow that thick skin...that's what they want..to get under your skin...don't let them, they aren't worth it.  :-)


I personally think a 9 year old boy is a bit old for a stuffed toy, and sounds like he is having some separation anxiety, which is usually exacerbated by the mother.  You probably have separation anxiety, and (unknowingly/unconsciously) you are encouraging the child to have the same.  I don't know your whole story here, so bear with me.  I may be completely off base.  but if dad isn't an abuser, MOST children love to see and be with BOTH parents.  

Perhaps you need to help this little boy grow up, and give him a picture of you and him together to keep in his room.  That would be more appropriate for a 9 year old boy than a stuffed toy of any kind.  

It is always hard for moms to let their little ones grow up, and easier for dads to do it.  Which may be why dad is encouraging him NOT to sleep with the moose.  And perhaps dad was trying to think of some reason for the moose to not be in his bed, (hense the pee smell story) rather than tell him he is way too old for it. (thus hurting his self esteem).  

Hope you understand what I am trying to say here.  I'm sure you are a very loving mother, and good mother, but perhaps you need to look at this from a different perspective.

My best wishes to you and yours.  Nosonew

I cry_ in_the_dark

I appreciate what you are saying, and to a point agree. But yes, there is way more to the whole picture.

To keep it as short as possible, my son in fact went back and forth, Friday to Friday for 3 years. I never dreamed that his dad gaining primary physical custody would have the impact on him that it did. (My concerns were with my 12 year old daughter who had been in my sole custody for 5 years.)

In court, I did attempt to retain 50/50 custody, and BEGGED the court to demand  co-parenting classes or what ever was available. Physically abusive dad? No. Mentally abusive, WAY YES. (This is why I left him for the most part.) PAS on dad's part? YOU BETCHYA!

My son does have a picture of us in his room. He's not allowed to turn his light on at night, so that can't help. His dad gives him no comfort at night in any form, simply demands he goes back to bed. My son then started waking up his sister during the night. Now he calls me. Not healthy when I get up at 4:30 am for work and get repeated calls all night long.

Would I ever in a million years tell my son not to call me? NO. But he needs comfort. So, I bought him a Moose and my daughter a Mouse. I squeezed the daylights out of both of them along with the animals and said, "When you need a hug from Mom, now you can have one anytime you need, cuz my hugs are in the Moose and Mouse."

You know what? It helped. Then I learn this, and understand why the calls started again.

Soooo....you decide.


I didn't realize dad was cp....much different opinion now.  I would say that child is acting scared that you aren't there, perhaps he is hearing things to that effect at home.  I guess all you can do is make sure he knows you will always be there for him, even in the middle of the night...

PAS sucks, and really hurts the kids.  (not to mention the other parent). And that sm gives us other sm's a bad name.  

Sorry for what you are going thru, hope dr. d can help!!!!

I cry_ in_the_dark

I know that all SM's aren't evil. My X had a live in for 2 years prior to meeting his current wife. Did I especially like her? No. But she could come to my home and pick up my kids by herself. We could talk cordially on the phone. We could exchange messages. All I get now is a phone slammed in my ear.

Thankyou for understanding I attempted to alleviate a problem as best I could. I honestly believe dad would rather have him call me all night long. I guess he doesn't realize that I document document document!!!

Dr. D

Dear I Cry;

It sounds to me like you are doing the right things.  Just keep doing them and as often as possible.  The perfume was a great idea.  It sounds as though Dad and SM are attempting to cut you out of the picture (PAS), by saying such hateful things to your son.  This is terrible.  NO child should have to defend his mother or his need for her.  The moose and mouse are great.  Perhaps, in the near future, you could get the courts to extend visitation so that your  influence is as great.  

No One is too old for stuffed animals or warm fuzzies!  

Take your child outside - pick out a star and know that whenever you are a part you can each go outside, find the star and know the other is seeing the same star.

I will keep you in my thoughts.
Dr. D

I cry_ in_the_dark

As it has only been 2 months since I lost physical custody (due to a great many lies told by X and SM and a terrible, terrible lawyer), it's been rough. I do have an appointment with a new attorney the beginning of the month. The kids have not faired well during those two months. All I can do is continue to pray.


Oh yes, I learned yesterday afternoon that I am also being accused of being a hacker and sending virus' to their computer. Now that one made me LMAO!:D

Kitty C.

I LOVE mooses (yeah, I KNOW that ain't the plural, LOL!) and have TWO stuffed ones in my bed!  Poor things get the livin' crap squeezed out of them every night I sleep alone, which will be the norm here in about a week or so.........
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......


I also agree that no one is too old for stuffed animals..l, for one, have numerous stuffed animals that I treasure...even ones from when I was a kid...

I think you are doing a good thing and thinking of the kids...giving them reasons to feel close to you.

Good luck...God Bless.

Dr. D

I am sorry that you lost custody.  What actions are you taking at this point? Keep me posted on the New Attorney...In the meantime, get counseling for  yourself to get through this.  At this time, you need to nurture yourself.  Dr. D

I cry_ in_the_dark

I mis-spoke...my appointment is actually with a Legal Services, and it's tomorrow. They stated at the time I scheduled the appointment that they didn't know if they would be able to help me or not.

I have quite a bit of documentation compiled. (Including all of the documentation that my original lawyer failed to present to the court.) I have letters written to me by my children, letters from school regarding my son receiving detention 3 times and receiving failing grades, the phone calls at 3 am, police documentation of him interferring in my weekend visitations...I could go on and on.

I am hoping that I have enough to make the courts do a big re-think on what they did, because the judge made a huge mistake! My X was found to be so "credible" in all the findings of fact...and he's failed to live up to anything that he was found to be so credible of.

Keep your fingers crossed!!!

I cry_ in_the_dark

Well...I had my appointment. They can't help me, not for lack of any very pertinent documentation that I may have...but because of some VERY BAD MISINFORMATION given to me by my original lawyer.

I questioned my lawyer the day he handed me the CO on when I should start trying to reverse it. He advised me to wait at least 3 months. In fact, I had 30 days to appeal. x(

Legal Services could also not understand why a psychologist was not brought in after the mediation attempt failed. (Another failure on my lawyers part.  x( )

Ironically, they are going to assist me with my child support appeal. While they normally do not assist with child support hearings, they agreed %100 that my income was grossly miscalculated. While that is a help...it isn't going to help me get my kids back, and that is all I want.

How am I suppose to tell my daughter I have no way to get her back?

Dr. D

I will keep you in my thoughts. Dr. D

Dr. D

You tell your daughter the truth.  That you love her very much, and will always try and hope to get her back.  Let her know that while you have not given up (and don't), right now things are as they are.  Don't give up.  When you think things are all lost, another ray of hope will shine.  I realize that is not much comfort at this point, but things really do turn around frequently.  Keep on........! Dr. D