Is it ever better...

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

...to turn your back and walk away; let your kids grow up in peace. If they decide to hate you, so be it. At least they can deal with that later as an adult vs. living with turmoil as a child.

[NeverGiveUp]

Wish I could say I've never thought about that one . . .

My guess is they suffer if you go just as much as if you stay.  I don't know the answer but I can tell you what I do.  I have as much fun with them as possible when I have them.  I never talk about the witch that is their mom.  I never ask them to make choices between the x and I.  I laugh, smile, and tell them I love them.  I'm not the disiplanarian I once was.  I'm not informed enough to assume that role.  So instead I'm the guy that listens, shakes his head in understanding, and tells them to stand tall no matter what.  I realize being a parent means sometimes punishing your child.  But if I see them only 4 times a month I'm not punishing them for one minute of that time.  The right to be their parent has been taken away.  I didn't ask for this role, it was crammed down my throat by their mom with the help of our system.  So now I wait, I'm the god guy.  I'm the guy their mom has badmouthed and accused, and I wait.  Someday they may learn to hate those responsable for removing me from their lives.  Even then they loose.  All I can do is wait . .  . hopefully be there to catch them if they fall.

Don't blame yourself.  Write your reps, blame them . . .

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

Thanks for your reply. Sometimes I just don't know where to turn. And because I know their Dad will never stop, I can't help but wonder if their lives would be better, even a little bit, if I wasn't so close.

[zachsdad]

I find myself writing in this forum about how bad I have it as a single dad.  I, too, find myself wondering what it could have been like if I would have just "toughed it out" and stayed married.  For the kids sake, right...?  ***sigh***

On the days that I don't have my 2-year old son a part of me is missing.  I am guilt-ridded.  I question my fraternal instincts.  I am lonely.  I sit pondering the decisions I've made in my life.  On the glorious days that I have my boy, I wonder what he thinks of me.

Then I come across postings like NeverGiveUp's.  It makes me realize just how good I have it.  I can't pretend to imagine what it would be like to see my son 4 times per month.  I'm one of the lucky ones.  One of those father's who slipped through the "system's" accumulation of complex filters that prevent dad's from being with their children.  I pay too much child support.  I pay too much alimony.  I pay my ex-wife to raise her son.  But I have my son.  

And although I will always riddle myself with concerns over whether or not she's happy or safe, I will never love the mother of my only child again.  But I will not slander her name nor will I question her maternal instincts.

I wait.  Just like NeverGiveUp, I wait.  And I wait knowing that one day he will understand and it will not be too late.  My son calls me "daddy".  When he cries, he comes to me.  When he's scared, he comes to me.  And when he laughing, he turns to me and says, "Funny, daddy!  Funny!"  When he sits down, he taps the seat with his tiny hands and says, "Sit, daddy!  Sit!"

But when his mother picks him up from my house he says, "Bye, bye daddy..."

I am a man.  I am a man, quite honestly, who sobbed at your post.

Like you, NeverGiveUp, I am not the father I would be in a two-parent home.  I don't discipline as much as I probably would have.  And I'm not allocated and equal amount of time as if I were living with his mother and he.  But I am allocated time.  More than you.  More than 99% of the majority of dads on this forum.  I am humbled by your post.  Thank you for providing me with more realization than anyone could have.

I will think of you, and those like you, on those days without my son.  I will realize that others do not have the privileges that I have.  And I will sob for you...  

[NeverGiveUp]

Zachsdad,

I'm sorry I can't relate to your personal internal strife.  I wasn't on the 'leaving' end of our D.  I have to admit I would have stayed in the relationship even after finding out that the ugly truths.   It must have been a tough decision to leave.  I accredit you with doing so while knowing that you would most likely lose.  I can guarantee most wives would seriously reconsider leaving if they new it would cost them custody of their children.  Just another of the double standards we endure. I stood willing to work on a relationship that was severely broken in order to spare my children the grief and in order to remain in their lives.  I, as a man, was given no choice.

I should add that while I'm grateful for your understanding, my life is far from over.  I have filled it with wonderful people and new adventures.  I've seen places I never would have seen and done things I never would have done.  I rebuild my life piece by piece and maintain a high spirit.  My children can't help but notice.  The people in my community can't help but question, and my X can't help but be unhappy.  The entire burden associated with raising children is now hers.  I simply lurk in the background, an ever watchful eye, ready to fight to the end to make sure the jobs done correctly.  I build my carrier while she fears to rekindle hers.  For if she begins to travel on business again my job is openly flexible and will allow me to be home when needed.  She spends every waking moment, and most likely in slumber as well, knowing that I'm there, watching, waiting . . . My X once told me she would take custody of our children and become a dictator.  She never was much of a history buff.  Dictators are forever in fear of those they repress, particularly the determined.

In short, you should have equal amounts of pity for my X.  She will need it.  Especially in the very end when the only thing left is who you've been.

[wendl]

Personally I know my dh would never give up, as a cp I still have the hopes that my sons dad will exercise his visitation or at least try, my son almost 12 now has given up on his dad cuz his dad isn'r around and it hurts to see him have to go thru this.

Now I look at the crap my dh has to go thru and what he does for the sake of his kids.  I know he would never give up even though it is hard.

I can say from being a child of a divorced family with a non so great mother that I had to live with, she put my dad thru hell and back and I never once doubted his love for me and as I grew older realised that the horrible things my mom would say about him were not true. (as a teen I was well lets just say a rebel, but  I knew no matter what I did by dad would be there for me and my mom wouldn't my dad passed when I was a senior in high school yet to this day his wife my stepmom has been my guiding light and support and she continued what my dad started to never give up on me and to be there no matter what, currently I became pg with my dh and recently lost it,  I never told my own mother I was pg but my stepmom was so excited then when I lost the baby again my stepmom was there to help me thru this, she lives a few hrs away but called a few times a week to make sure I was ok and offered to come be with me)

It's hard for the kids to go thru this yes I see it with my stepkids, but I see how much harder it is for my son who's dad never\rarely sees him and see his pain, anger daily.

So I would take a step back, take a deap breath and think about it, its just has hard to deal with the bs as it is for kids to not have both parents.

If you do stop for the kids it may or may not be better who knows what the other parent will do or say about you.

Just remember to let you kids know that you love them and will always be there for them, sometimes when they are young they dont understand but as the get older they will.

Prayers to you, and it also helps to come and vent, we are all supportive people and will help you as much as we can.