Any help from you Dr. is appreciated!

[tharper001]

I'm the stepmother to an 11 year old girl.  I'll try and make a long story short.  I've included history, etc. down below.  But I am very concerned about my stepdaughter.  Last week, she called her father on the phone and was just begging him to stop this custody battle.  She called him a liar and asked him why he says these things about her mother.  Of course, now she's talking to him like nothing ever happened.  She's basically being brainwashed by her mother... the mother has shown her the court documents... but everything my husband has in those court documents is the TRUTH.  This woman is vicious.  She's the most rude individual that I have EVER met in my 32 years on this planet.  Since I've been in this child's life (the child was 6), I've always seen this child placed in the middle.  This child was always responsible for communicating from the mother to the father.  I know this is nothing new... too many kids are thrown into the middle.  But now I'm worried that my husband is going to give up going for custody because he doesn't want to harm his daughter any further.  WELL, I can't imagine what this kid will turn out to be like if she continues to live with her mother.  We could probably prove this woman unfit... but we know that's not in the child's best interest.  But getting this child into a stable environment is in the child's best interest.  She's already 11... alot of damage to undo.

I would like to talk to the child... just to see if I can get her to unload some of this massive burden that she is carrying around.  I don't want to be judgmental, I just simply want her to tell me in her OWN words what she thinks is going on.  And then just use those own words to help her understand exactly what is going on.  Her father did discuss what he was doing last year... because he knew things were going to get very tough for her.  And they have and will continue doing so as long as the courts drag their feet.  We have a good relationship, but I stay out of it because my husband is very protective when it comes to his daughter... so much that I can honestly tell you that I'm surprised he hasn't removed the problem yet.  I know he thinks that if he continues this, then his daughter is going to continue to get brainwashed and lose any faith in him.  I disagree... the child is going to be brainwashed no matter what.  That's what her mother does.  That child is her pawn... and $500 a month in free money.  

I basically want the child to realize that she has TWO parents.  As much as it pains me, I will also go as far to say two parents that love her very much.  And that she is 11 years old... and this is a situation between her mother and father and NOT HER.  And that whatever happens, she will still have two parents that love her, and then me who also loves her very much.  I want to help her understand that ALL of us make choices, just like when her mother made the choice to keep her from her maternal grandparents.  (From March 2002 through November 2002, the grandparents saw this child on OUR TIME).  She is well aware of this and why her mother made this choice.  We found out about it because she was telling her grandmother that her mother would not be talking to them anymore.  Grandparents were getting ready to retire and told their kids they would not give them any more money or support them anymore (by the way, her mother is currently 39 years old).  I think this is an excellent opportunity to show her how choices affect us.  I won't say anything negative about the mother, but will only point it out that it was her choice to not let her see her grandparents, and it was ours to give up our time so she could see her grandparents.  

This is sooooo difficult.  And it's soooo SAD for these kids!  I just wish people would understand that adults don't always stay together, but when you have children, you put all that behind you and get along for the children's sake!!!  Thanks for any advice you can give me as far as letting this child have an avenue to open up to.  Someone that she can just vent to.

History:  BM is custodial parent, per court documents in 1994, child born in 1992, parents supposed to have shared parental responsibility.  1999 - went to court for change in custody... Dec 1999 was awarded emergency hearing as child was residing in home with mom and current boyfriend of whom mom had active restraining order on.  Attorney never filed modification as he was waiting for slam dunk.... FIRE attorney #1.

Mother has history of instability - numerous, numerous jobs.  Currently working as waitress in bar.  History of violent relationships (documented in police reports).  Unstable housing history... moved at least 18 times since child's birth... currently in place for about 1.5 years... this too shall pass.  Pulls child out of school without consulting father.  Child changed schools 8 different times within 2 years.  (1998 to 2000).  Child changed schools in November again.  We have documentation to prove these things.  

June 2003 - turned over all documentation and hired another attorney (which was the original attorney for original documentation).  Mother served October 2003.  Left numerous nasty messages TO child threatening to throw the child's stuff out and take the child's dog and leave town, and turn child's room into office, and that the child's scum bag father could enroll her in school, etc., etc.  Attempted to get emergency hearing based upon these recorded messages.  Denied by courts.  Deposition was last week of March.  Mother showed up with kid, without counsel (had fired hers) and ended up walking out about 1.5 hours into it.  

I'm not sure what direction the attorney is headed.  My husband has instructed him to go for a change in visitation (my husband drives 150 miles round trip every other weekend and to school functions, etc.  We have in writing that the mother refuses to drive even a mile to meet him).  We want this changed as well as more visitation.  He also wants the courts to demand counseling for this child before he proceeds with custody.  I'm not sure how to handle this either... the longer he waits, the more the child will be damaged.