recommended reading?

[need perspective]

I am trying to find information dealing with two children who's NCP is a drug abuser.

I have read info on PAS, but I'm having trouble trying to figure out how to handle this situation. Children are 9 and 13. They know their father has "a disease" and can't always use good judgement (like when he took their birthday presents for drug money), etc. But I don't know the best way to "defend" myself, which most times is saying nothing at all. I need to be able to help them remember he only calls me names, threatens to have me arrested, etc because he has a problem. We've had talks before about addiction, in an attempt to help them seperate the person from the disease. They do love him. I don't want to ignore it completely because he is a master manipulator and liar. But I don't know how to do it without showing signs of PAS myself!

Any advice?

[Peanutsdad]

Hope this contains what you are looking for.  I dont currently have links for substance abuse or addiction, but will look further for them.







THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART I)
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a distinctive family response to divorce in which the child becomes aligned with one parent and preoccupied with unjustified and/or exaggerated denigration of the other target parent.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand01.htm - size 40kb - 20 Oct 2003
12. Mediation And Parental Alienation Syndrome by Anita Vestal
This article looks at parental alienation syndrome (PAS), which is a complex manifestation of mental and emotional abuse resulting from conflicted parents fighting for custody.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-vestal.htm - size 52kb - 20 Oct 2003
13. Recommendations for Dealing with Parents Who Induce a Parental Alienation Syndrome in Their Children
PAS is commonly seen in highly contested child-custody disputes. The author has described three types: mild, moderate, and severe, each of which requires special approaches by both legal and mental health professionals.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-gardner02.htm - size 54kb - 20 Oct 2003
14. THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART II)
Studies of target parents who are falsely accused of abuse report they tend to be less disturbed than their accusing counterparts.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand12.htm - size 53kb - 20 Oct 2003
15. THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART II)
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a distinctive family response to divorce in which the child becomes aligned with one parent and preoccupied with unjustified and/or exaggerated denigration of the other target parent.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand11.htm - size 44kb - 20 Oct 2003
16. Parental Alienation Information Archive
All the information on the SPARC site regarding Parental Alienation has been consolidated on this central reference page.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pasarchive.htm - size 17kb - 20 Oct 2003
17. THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART II) (cont.)
In the following case, the accused father was an officer in the military. Testimony on PAS by the defense expert provided the judge and jury with some alternative explanations as to the reasons the children accused their stepfather of abuse.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand13.htm - size 31kb - 20 Oct 2003
18. THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART I)
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a distinctive family response to divorce in which the child becomes aligned with one parent and preoccupied with unjustified and/or exaggerated denigration of the other target parent.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand02.htm - size 44kb - 20 Oct 2003
19. Expanding the Parameters of PAS
The newness of the parental alienation syndrome (PAS) compels its redefinition and refinement as new cases are observed and the phenomenon becomes better understood.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-cartwright.htm - size 32kb - 20 Oct 2003
20. PAS: How to Detect It and What to Do About It
Although parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a familiar term, there is still a great deal of confusion and unclarity about its nature, dimensions, and, therefore, its detection.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-walsh2.htm - size 24kb - 20 Oct 2003

[DecentDad]

Hi,

The best book I've found on the subject that is geared more for helpful action plans than a mere academic understanding (i.e., not discounting the latter's importance) is a book called "Divorce Poison" by Richard Warshak.

Some of the things that come to mind are:

1.  Allow your kids to see you surrounded by people who respect and like you... your BF/husband, your family, your neighbors, etc.  It would be difficult for NCP's poison to take hold when the kids regularly have exposure to a dozen people who clearly think you're the cat's meow.

2.  Don't allow known lies to go unaddressed for the sake of your comfort or not wanting to cause harm.  Without bashing their dad, if you get a whiff of something they're repeating about you, you should be able to say, "Boys, now you know that's not true about never having fun times with me.  Remember when we went to the lake a month ago and had a blast, and our trip to Disney, and our Saturday movie night with kettle corn?"  They're both old enough to realize what's up, and your job is to keep their grasp on reality without interfering with dad's relationship with them.

3.  If they voice frustration or anger over the NCP, don't pretend a problem doesn't exist.  You can validate them, "Yes, I can understand you're upset because you didn't have the best birthday with your dad.  He does the best that he can, and even though he does things that can hurt, I think deep down he really wants the best for you."

They may go through confusing times over the next many years, but if you keep the communication open and honest with them and make sure that every statement out of your mouth regarding your ex is for the kids' benefit (and not out of your own justifiable anger), then you're not going to be the cause of any alienating between the boys and their dad.

They'll also know that they can talk to you about any frustrations with dad, and those moments are when either long-term damage can take root, or you can help them through it to understand it.

All neat stuff, eh?

In any event, after reading that book, I felt empowered to be proactive, rather than reactive or passive.

Hope it helps!

DD

[need perspective]

Thank you both so much!

The other parent isn't capable right now of thinking about anyone but himself. And he has gotten so used to lying to get money, drugs, whatever, that it has become his way of life almost. That leaves me feeling like I have to do double duty as far as the best thing for the kids go (thinking for me AND him-guess I'm not over the co-dependant thing yet).

I spent the last couple years trying to protect them from their dad. First from finding out what his problem was, then protecting the money and things we had, and now protecting them from him trying to use them against me. I know I need to learn alot in order to do the best thing for them. I honestly thought the fact that I got moved out and started divorce proceedings was going to make things all better. How naive can a person get??

Anyway, thanks again so much for your responses. I'll get the book, and get busy reading those links.

[DeeDee]

Just an afterthought...is there a teen chapter of alanon? (a group that supports children/family members of alcoholics/substance abusers).

They will probably have additional reading on the subject--probably non-judicial but will help you with "what to tell the kids etc."

My guess is your children already know where the gift money and lost time went,  so you don't need to give them excuses for your ex's behavior.  They need love and support and reassurance that it's not their fault.