How do the rest of you NCM deal with CSM????????

[backwardsbike]

This is gonna sound really strange but....I'd have rather had my ex marry one of my friends.  Instead he married a dragon lady he found in the personals while I was still living with him.  He'd take her to lunch then come home and keep me awake half the night trying to get me to promise to reconcile with him!  I really don't think any of my friends would have had him though. They are all smart women and would have run for the hills the minute he showed an interest!  LOL

[backwardsbike]

I have to agee with everything you said.  However, I guess I'm still just a tad too"human" and hurt.  Maybe it is because this arrangement is so against what I wanted and thought I would have.  Also because I know that the dad is never home and the SM raises the children.  They must ask her permission before signing up for activities, not dad's.  They must ask her permission to have a friend over because dad can't remember their shedule and doesn't know if they can have a friend over or not.  They must discuss any need for mendical, dental or eye care with her.  If they ask dad he asks her if they need to be seen because he doesn't know.  90% of the time she says they are just making things up to get attention and denies them treatment.  Then they tell me about their problems.  I make an appointment for them and when dad takes then to the appointment they deny the sympotons they told me about.  This seres to make me look really crazy and like I have Munchausen's by Proxy.  One doctor has caught on but dad is still Primary Custodial Parent.

He uses this title every chance he gets to let people know that "the children live with us because the situation at HER house is so poor".  This SM runs her husband legal battles.  She herself has come from a family with muliple divorces and knows every trick in the book and a few I am sure that have not been written yet.  She has told my daughter, " My step mother taught me how to be an evil step mother."  I used to think she was joking but now I know she's serious.

[ksmomof2girls]

Are you sure that your kids' Step-mom isn't my girls' step-mom??????


 <
Sounds like the same situation at my X's house.  She doesn't deny them Dr visits....She rushes them....instead of trying otc med first.


She (SM) says she doesn't believe in "step"...but she doesn't call her Stepdad -"Dad" nor does she call her Dad's  #5-6,??? wife, Mom....


Just don't understand her sometimes.

[Butterfly]

prevalent in very emotionally immature adults who do not know the true meaning of selfless love for another without overstepping universal boundaries.

I'm sure she rationalizes away why she need not observe them...after all, she's earned whatever she takes and it really is about the need for the illusion of control over that which cannot be controlled...you being the actual mother to the child.

My child's SM likes to play that card too...make those that make the distinction between the two types of mothers somehow politically incorrect and emotionally deficient because they point out the obvious facts.

I see my child's stepmother asserting herself as the replacement mother as nothing more than her need to be in denial and/or to attempt to cast me as merely an insignificant relationship because my legal classification is non-residential mother.

Society defines motherhood more along the lines of the 'physical' caregiver and long-distance parenting is an oxymoron if it is a woman that has to do it.

[sharptimes5]

That is so horrible Butterfly!  Your child must be so confused with SM trying to be your replacement.  
As a CSM and a BM I try to see both sides...I treat my SD the way I would want my kids treated if they had a SM.  
When my SD's biomom was still engaging in contact, I considered myself to be simply her caretaker and someone who loved her...sort of like an aunt.  I never asked SD to call me mom or anything similar to it because she does have a mother.  I still haven't asked SD to call me mom, but I don't dissuade her from doing it either...I don't know if that is the wrong thing to be doing.  She does tell people that she has 2 moms, one here with me and hubby and her "mom in Maine."  She knows that she can call me mom or she can call me by my first name as she did for 3 out of the 4 years that I have been a part of her life.
  I encourage her to write to her mom, and help her to spell words that she is unsure of because that is her mother...I will never ever be able to replace her mother...I am a bonus.  When Olivia introduces me as her mom I do feel a swell of pride, but am quick to say that I am not her bio-mom..I always give her mother the credit due her for carrying her for 9 months and giving her love for the first 6 years of her life.  I know that somewhere deep inside her mom does still love her, but doesn't know how to show that love in a physical way.  SD knows that as well.

Carol

[olanna]

My friends wouldn't consider it...

;)

[MixedBag]

Butterfly and I both have women in our lives with replacement attitudes....oh and yes, the ENTITLEMENT attitude since I'm not geographically there to take care of my son either.  Both of us would do it in a haeartbeat, but can't....geography......  They both will deny it, but actions speak louder than words.  

Actually, I know for a fact that fake-wife avoids introducing my son as her step-son because she thinks that people will think negatively about their family because they are in a step-situation.  She thinks it's none of their business so she introduces the kids as all "hers".  Reality is that most families ARE in a step-situation and would just blow it off and move on.  When they learn the truth -- they get angry at being deceived.  Not my problem, I didn't tell a lie.....like fake-wife did.

Fortunately, for my son, he's growing up and forming his own perceptions of what's going on.  He's a few years older than Butterfly's daughter, so I'm hoping that hers too will realize what's really going on.

As a SM myself, I share your philosophy and openly discuss it with my step-kids.  

[sharptimes5]

>Actually, I know for a fact that fake-wife avoids introducing
>my son as her step-son because she thinks that people will
>think negatively about their family because they are in a
>step-situation.  She thinks it's none of their business so she
>introduces the kids as all "hers".  Reality is that most
>families ARE in a step-situation and would just blow it off
>and move on.  When they learn the truth -- they get angry at
>being deceived.  Not my problem, I didn't tell a lie.....like
>fake-wife did.
>
That's wild...there are so many step situations in America and around the world.  I am proud to tell people that I have stepkids, even if I'm not so proud of the actions of their biomom or their dad for that matter when it comes to the problems they had with their marriage.  This really makes me think back to my own teen years because many of my friends parents had divorced and they had stepsibs and step parents while my parents were still together.  My SD is 8 and she finds it totally amazing that my mom and dad are still married after almost 40 years of being together (37 years on the first of Jan).  It does make it harder for me to explain things to her because I have never been in her situation, but I tell her that her daddy and I are planning to be together for a long time, and even if something does happen to our marriage, I will always love her just as I do now.

Carol

[olanna]

I find it interesting that the SM in my case, funded the custody takeover for my ex...and then admitted she doesn't like the kid and after having a child of her own, has suffered some sort of anxiety over being left alone with her own child.

Wonder what she was trying to prove to me...

When I was pregnant with the very child she help snag...they were having an affair.  I have often wondered why they never went after all the kids...why did they wait to do this until my ex lost his job and I was making good money...hum...let's think about that.

[backwardsbike]

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