Another bad call.

[butterflymackey]

Hello again,
I talked to my daughter last night again. This is how the conversation went:
Me: How was your week?
D: Fine.
Me: What did you do this week?
D: Lot's of stuff.
Me: What kind's of stuff?
D: I dont want to tell you because it's really none of your business.
Me: That's kind of rude. You are my daughter, what you do is my business.
D: I dont feel like talking to you right now.
Me: Well we will just talk for a few minutes and I will let you go. So have you seen any good movies lately?
D: No.
Me: Have you seen previews for that Disney movie Robots that's coming out?
D: Yes.
Me: Would you like to go see it when you get her for Spring break?
D: Cant I just stay here this time? They are going to do....
Me: No. I dont know why we have to go through this everytime you are getting ready to come here. I am sorry if they are doing something while you are not home, but you always have fun when you are here. We dont need to discuss it anymore. You are coming here.
D: Can I tell you something?
Me: Sure.
D: When I tell you stuff that is true like when you blame stuff on mommy(SM) sometimes I mean all the time and it's not her...Can you not yell at me cause thats starting to make me do stuff and not think and stuff.
Me: I dont blame stuff on your SM all the time and I didnt yell at you when you asked me about it. Adult issues are not your concern. We are not going to talk about this right now.
D: Arent you going to ask me about that weekend that I lied to you about having to go because a movie was about to start, and the movie wasnt even on yet?
Me: No. If you are going to lie to me then you will have to deal with that because you know that lieing is wrong.

I tried to change the subject and ask about school but she went to complete silent treatment. I asked her why she was acting that way.

D: Cause I asked you something and you said that we were not going to talk about that right now.
Me: So that means that you are going to ignore me?
D: Yes. I have been taking it out on the wrong people and it's your fault because I've tried to talk to you about it and you say no.

I asked her to speak to her father and of course he wasnt home. I asked to talk to SM (only to find out when he would be home) she was of course unavailable too.

Me: Fine. I will let you go now. I want you to know that no matter what you say or do, I will always love you. I hope you have a wonderful Valentine's day. I love you. Good-bye.
D: Bye.

I get so mad in this situation, I am at a loss of what to say sometimes. She is allowed to accuse me, disrespect me and be hurtful because it is encouraged. Then I get put on the spot with things that she shouldnt be concerned with that obviously someone is putting in her head. How am I supposed to pretend that it's all sunshine and butterflies?

Yes I do think stepmom is responsible for 95% of the stuff that has happened because ex is just a stupid puppet on a string. But I dont sit there and say I think your stepmom this and that. I try to never discuss her.

Then I get an email from SM because Superbowl Sunday they werent home for my call. Sorry we missed your call we had engagements. Like that is supposed to make it ok. I wasnt home either, I knew I wouldnt be for like a week in advance. I took a cell phone. I am sure they knew of these plans ahead of time. Didnt bother to give me notice they just waste my time to call and be pissed when no one is home to answer. Oh yeah they got rid of their answering machine too so I cant even garantee that she knows I attempted. Phone calls are the same day and time everyweek. Another way to show my daughter that it's ok to blow mom off. NO EXCUSE.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!?!?!?!?!?! THIS IS KILLING ME INSIDE!!!!! I know she is hurting but it's not appropriate for me to talk to her about the things she is accusing me of.

Besides PAS, has anyone heard of a parent regaining custody simply because the other parent doesnt encourage/discourages a meaningful relationship with the NCP?

[Kali]

you know I was just reading something on this it's in Michigan stuff but I'll find the link and post it.

That is sooooo wrong and something I deal with all the time, I am supposing it'll only get worse instead of better as she gets older too.

I'm sorry that you and your dd have to go through this.  It's unfair to both of you.

[Kali]

here's the link it's an intresting read there is alot of info in there ;)

http://courts.michigan.gov/scao/resources/publications/manuals/focb/cp_custodyfactors.pdf

[BlendedFamily]

Wow.. I'm sorry that you have to undergo that type of conversation.  I know with my DD we have rocky conversations sometimes on the phone.

How old is your daughter?

"Besides PAS, has anyone heard of a parent regaining custody simply because the other parent doesnt encourage/discourages a meaningful relationship with the NCP?"
---From the research that I have been compiling in regards to PAS...it's a tough road to travel down.  It will take years of psychological evaluation and such.
---As far as the other parent not encouraging your daughter...use the Children's Bill of Rights against them.  Most CO's have phrases in them stating that child(ren) have the right to love both parents etc...

Keep documentation, keep logging when they are not available for calls and such... file contempt charges and keep your head raised high.

[backwardsbike]

Butterfly--

You are living MY life!  I have calls exactly like this with my two kids all the time.  I hate it and I am struggling to maintian a relationship with them.  MY kids are DS15 and DD 12.  DD is worse and when I see them out it is obvious that she is doing this stuf in response to her SM.  My ex is also a puppet on a string and SM is the puppeteer.

No one beleives this is aleination but in my heart I know that it is.  Just because my kids have a good time when they are here does not mean they aren't being alaienated while with dad which is 95% of the time.  I am worried for them.

I have undergone two custody evals and lost both times. Ex and SM can convince evaluators that I am nuts and they win every time!

I am reading Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak.  He gives good advice about how to deal with specific things but everything in his book seems to apply to my situation!

Feel free to eamil me sometimes.  I thin if we share stories and solutions and problems we will become stronger and ultimately find a way to beat this without loosing our kids.

[Sunshine1]

I was at the book store today and came across a book and I started to laugh out loud.  It was called "50/50 parenting with a jerk",  it was in the special needs/education section of Barnes and Noble.

I read some of it and it had alot of good pointers on how to combat hitting your head against a brick wall, but instead how to talk with the other parent or the child about how you think things are going.  This might be a book you could use to help talk with your daughter.  If not that one there were several other ones that were equally interesting.

I read just read "how to deal with a difficult person" a couple months ago, and man did that help me keep my PBFH meter on low.  They also give you useful techniques on how to "deal" with those difficult people in our lives.

I how this helps.  I am way out of my league with girls, we have 4 boys!

Good luck and keep documenting everything!! :)

[butterflymackey]

I appreciate your help.

[butterflymackey]

The Children's Bill of Rights is great. Do you think I should send a copy to my ex and see what he says? I have to agree with you on the other comment from what I have found out so far. I have talked to an attorney and she basically said that we can go down the road of trying to fight for custody but it's really hard to get it switched back. Unless he deliberately blows off the CO. Which he does have 2 strikes for denying me visitation, the court already slapped his hand and ordered make up time. I could get him right now for not having insurance on our child, but I'll wait. I know him and it's just a matter of time before he screws up again. Have you heard of getting a court order for putting our child in couseling? I just got a call from my daughter's principal today saying she got in trouble in class and she was sending me a report about it. She wouldnt really go into detail about it but mentioned that it may be wise for my daughter to see the school counselor. My ex just refuses. School hasnt been a problem until recently.

[butterflymackey]

I'm sorry to hear you are in the same boat. What do they do in the evals? I am scared that if I go through it too and shell out the money that I dont have the same will happen to me. My ex's wife is pretty good at acting.
What's really fun is when we have to go to court and she's not allowed to be in the conversation with mediation. He squirms and has no idea how to answer questions because she is the instigator of the problems and has no idea what is going on. He looks like a real dumb a$$. Getting custody for him was only to avoid paying child support to me. He would have had to pay ALOT.
Let me know how that book helps. I would definately love to keep in touch. I wish I had more time to do this. I work and go to school full time so I try to check the boards in between. Hang in there and I'll try too.

[butterflymackey]

That's great advice. I appreciate it. I have never thought to go to a book store and check out what books are out there. I get so obsessed with trying to read laws and find references online. Thanks for the advice. I will definately check it out. Good luck to you also.