Another bad call.

[joni]

At 9, your DD knows way too much about the situation.  Sounds as though she's being led down the path by her BF and SM and they're coaching her, blaming you for everything.  It also made my skin crawl to see she call SM mommy.  I'm a SM and would NEVER allow my SD to call me mom....but that's another discussion.

She sounds hurt and confused to me.  She also sounds like SM is standing over her when she talks, reminding her what to say, encouraging her.  Kids are smart, they know what to do to survive and it sounds like your DD is confused and trying to keep her head above water.

At the break, I would suggest having a heart to heart to answer anything that's on her mind.  Even the things she asks that she shouldn't know about, you need to address these issues and put them to bed once and for all.  Don't dismiss any issues that you consider to be between you and dad.  You can address them without putting more pressure on her.  She sounds like a smart kid that knows too much.  YOu need to ease the burden of her pain.

I remember being that age and asking my parents stuff and they would say NO.  I would say WHY.  They would answer BECAUSE.  It frustrated me.  I just wanted them to be honest with me.

And how cruel is the BF, making huge plans and teasing her about all the fund they're going to have without her.

[VAStepmom]

I don't think there's anything wrong with a child calling their stepparent "mommy" or  "daddy" as long as it was the child's choice.   You said you would never ALLOW your stepdaughter to call you mom... don't you think that's a little harsh?  

If I'm not going to tell my SD to call me momma, I'm also not going to tell her to NOT call me momma.  At 4 yrs old, I left it up to her.  When her father and I were "friends", she called my by my first name.  SHE decided one day to start calling me mom.  And that is her choice.  I am honored to have her call me that.  It tells me she understand how much I love her and think of her as a daughter.  

FYI... she also calls BM's fiance daddy.  And since it was her choice, her father and I support that.  

Since it's wrong to force her to call you mommy, isn't it a little hypocritical to force her to call you by your name?  Why not let her decide?  

[wendl]

I agree with you VA,

When my dh and I got married we told all the kids (his and mine) that they could call us whatever they wanted as long as it wasn't a bad name.

My yss decided to call me mom (he calls his mother mommy) OMG she got pissed, and yss said mommy said I couldn't call you mom anymore. (this coming from a woman who calls a man not related by blood for marriage dad) I simply told yss that at my house he can call me what he wants.

We need to teach our kids to be healthy and happy, not to make them uncomfortable, are some men/woman so insecure that they cannot handle this.

But hey its the usually crap of do as I say not as I do in some of these people that must have drama in their lives to be happy. NO thank you.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[skye]

I am a full time stepmom .. I see this all the time.. I am at a loss of wht to say I do not want to correct the child when on the phone with her I feel it may cross boundaries and upset her worse ( mom )


Maybe just maybe it is not encouraged... kids play one against the other all the time... you probably dont want to talk to SM and I understand that ... but maybe it would help the situation?

of course I do not know the situation there so I cannot be sure but just a thought

[butterflymackey]

Just a little update of how the next call went. Thanks for all the advice so far.  

She brought up the issue of me blaming SM for EVERYTHING again. This time I decided to try to discuss it with her as much as I could without pointing fingers and making her feel bad about her SM and dad.

Me: I can tell that this is really bothering you since you keep bringing it up.  I just don't know why you think that I blame everything on your SM. Can you tell me what you heard me blame on her?
DD: When I was there for summer you told me that it was silly that I kept saying I didn't want to get my hair cut. You said I was just saying that because SM told me not to.
Me: Ok I remember saying that to you. But what I didn't tell you is that I talked to SM and she told me that you where told not to let anyone touch your hair because she doesn't think little girls should have short hair. So that whole time you were saying that you didn't want to cut your hair, you were only saying that because SM told you not to. Why didn't you just tell me that?

(My daughter has extremely long curly hair. It would be beautiful, but she is 9 and a kid and doesn't take care of it. It is a battle to get her to let an adult help her brush or fix it. SM and BF won't spend the money on hair care products to keep it healthy either. She doesn't brush it or fix it half the time and it would be so much easier for her if she got it cut. So some of my family members who had really long hair got theirs cut for Locks for Love to make wigs for kids with cancer. Now when I say cut I mean like shoulder length. She seemed really interested in getting it cut to help other kids and you can tell she just wants to cut it off. But every time I told her I would take her to get her haircut she would tell me no. When I talked to SM about it SM told me that she didn't think little girls should have short hair and that her mom made her have short hair through her childhood so she would make sure her girls didn't have to look like boys like she did. BOO HOO cry me a river. Like anyone had a great childhood. It's fricken hair! It grows back, unless you are an unfortunate child with cancer who loses it all. I wanted to tell her to write to Dr. Phil and stop pushing her sexist opinions on my child because of her screwed up life. She doesn't see that she is prohibiting her from doing something good for others that she wants to do anyways. Just so she doesn't disappoint SM.)

DD: Because it was my choice to not cut my hair.
Me: That's fine. If you really didn't want to get your hair cut and it was your choice than I was wrong for blaming it on you SM. I'm sorry. Is there anything else?
DD: Yes. When your family calls to talk to me and I don't want to talk to them, you said that my SM and dad won't let me talk to them.  

First off, "your family" that doesn't give any hints that someone has been saying stuff.

Me: Who has called for you recently?
DD: No one.
Me: You're wrong.  Your grandma has called you 3 times, your aunt has called you 2 times and your great grandma came to town and tried to see you. Did you know that?
DD: I knew that great grandma came to town. But I didn't want to see her.
Me: I called you before she came out there to see if you wanted to go shopping with her and you told me yes. Right?
DD: Yes but I changed my mind.
Me: So then if you changed your mind why didn't you pick up the phone when she called and called and called to tell her you changed your mind?  
DD: I didn't want to talk.
Me: Well I don't believe you on that. And if that is true then you should be ashamed of the way you treated your great grandmother. She was very excited to see you. She made time in her visit to see you. She was very hurt when she couldn't get a hold of anyone. When you were here, I reminded you to call your grandma (BF's mom who I hate with a passion, but don't make it known to DD) and wish her Happy B-day. Remember that?

(I talked to BF about the situation. He didnt say DD didnt want to go so we didnt want to force her. He said that HE changed his mind about letting DD go with grandma. Said he didn't trust her. And if I want to let DD see my family on my time that was my decision, but that he didnt have to associate with them. I asked him why he didnt call me or pick up the phone when she called all day. He said he didn't pick up the phone when she called because they (him and wife) were sick and didn't want confrontation. So it pisses me off he lets our daughter take the blame.) One of the signs of PAS is child defending the alienating person or people.

You get the idea...our call ended like usual. We just went round and round with blame blame blame.

After asking her how we could make our calls better she asked me if I could cut my calls down to 2x a month instead of once a week. And if I could cut the time down to 10 minutes a call. I just said "No"
She wined and asked why, I asked her if she talks to SM and dad everyday and she said yes and I said well then talking to me once a week is not too much.

So we will see how it goes next week.

Any advice positive or negative is appreciated. I can take it.

Take care!

[butterflymackey]

At first I made a big deal about her calling SM mommy but the more of a stink I made the more she did it and the more joy dad and SM got knowing that I was hurt. I just accepted it. I think that it is a choice for the child to a certain extent. In my situation my DD was encouraged to call SM mommy. Even before they were married. She was told that one day SM would be her real mommy and that I didnt want her anymore. SM has asked me to let her adopt DD. SM and BF have admitted to me that they have told DD that she doesnt have to call me mom anymore. She can refer to me by my name like they do. They say it makes her feel like she is a part of a real family not having to call 2 people mom. In this situation the motive is not in DD best interest, even if she makes it seem like it. The motive in this situation it to push me out of the picture completely.

I refuse to refer to her SM as "your mom" when I talk to DD, but I don't discourage her from saying it either. She doesn't call SD daddy, but we haven't pushed or discouraged.

I know a lot of steps that are worthy of being called mom or dad sometimes more than the BM or BF. I also agree that it's whatever makes the child happy. I just keep telling her that she can love everyone, that she doesn't have to pick.  

[butterflymackey]

I have tried to talk to SM. It always ends up with "Oh I was wanted to discuss something with you" "DD says she wants me to adopt her" "DD says that you drove drunk with her" "I don't allow my daughters..." Basically accusations, lies, threats, and insults.
Just as an example: My sister in law (only 15 at the time) was babysitting my daughter (7 at the time) during a visit. DD had an accident, and since she was 7 we didn't pack a change of underwear for a couple hours of sitting. So sister in law gave her a pair of undies that where hers when she was little. (My mother in law keeps EVERYTHING) They were cute little Winnie the Pooh undies. DD ended up taking them home with her. 1 year goes by. Nothing is said. Out of the blue, discussing packing clothes for another visit, SM says "Oh yeah, tell your husbands family not to give my daughter anymore period stained underwear."  How psycho is that. That insinuates that my husbands family is dirty and I allow them to pass their dirtiness along to my DD. That pushes a lot of buttons. First of all they are kid's underwear. Like size 8 kids or something. Sister didn't even have a period back when they fit her butt. Second, I washed them. I saw them. They were not stained. If they were I would have taken care of that issue myself as that would have been unhygienic and that's not ok. That's just an example of how something totally kid related can be an insult at the same time.

When a step parent truly has the child's best interest in mind then there is no reason that the BP shouldn't be able to talk to them. I am not in any way saying that all step parents are the way she is. I have grown up with step parents. My SM raised me. So I am not saying that just because she is SM that I don't like her. I don't like her because she is an immoral person and she is teaching her values or lack of them to my child, while BF acts like her little puppy and lets her do whatever she wants to our kid as long as he doesn't have to deal with it.

SM and I used to be best friends. That should give you some history right there.

Sometimes I feel like I divorced SM and she is hell bent to get even ex. But I have talked to her ex; we used to be friends as couples until my ex and her cheated. He says she doesn't treat him this way with their daughter. How nuts is that?

I am sorry that you have to endure the same crap. Just keep being fair and keep in the best interest of the child. They will be old enough some day to see that you are not the wicked step mom that you may feel they perceive you as. And if BM encourages the behavior, just keep trying to be the better person.

[skye]

yes there is a lot of PAS going on ... I am so sorry you hve to deal with that..


do they have a computer? you know now days you can get weekly visits VIA the computer..at least then you would know if someone was there coaching her AND have proof..and yes many judges will gladly write it into an order if the parents are Long distance...just a thought

[Stepmomnow]

It sounds like your daughter is feeling as if you don't understand her or how she is feeling.  
May I suggest the following?  It will feel awkward at first, but I think you will get good results.

Listen to her and validate her feelings, but not necessarily her perception of reality.  Keep repeating the validation until she really feels understood.  DON'T defend yourself, just understand her feelings.  But don't tell her you were wrong, unless you really feel you were.

Therefore:

Me: I can tell that this is really bothering you since you keep bringing it up. I just don't know why you think that I blame everything on your SM. Can you tell me what you heard me blame on her?
DD: When I was there for summer you told me that it was silly that I kept saying I didn't want to get my haircut. You said I was just saying that because SM told me not to.
Me: Ok I remember saying that to you. But what I didn't tell you is that I talked to SM and she told me that you where told not to let anyone touch your hair because she doesn't think little girls should have short hair. So that whole time you were saying that you didn't want to cut your hair, you were only saying that because SM told you not to. Why didn't you just tell me that?

Try Me: You felt that I wasn't listening to you about your hair because I said that SM was the one that wanted your hair long.  (You have not brought any additional information, just trying to understand her feelings.  She may have felt belittled "it was just silly" or that you did not believe her when she said it was her decision. You need to let HER tell you what she is feeling and just follow along, confirming that you hear her feelings.)


DD: Because it was my choice to not cut my hair.
Me: That's fine. If you really didn't want to get your haircut and it was your choice than I was wrong for blaming it on you SM. I'm sorry. Is there anything else?

The first part of this is fine, but you moved on too quickly - After I'm sorry, could have said "That must have made you angry because you felt I was not taking what you wanted seriously."  or something like that - just keep trying to get her to talk about how issues make her feel.

DD: Yes. When your family calls to talk to me and I don't want to talk to them, you said that my SM and dad won't let me talk to them.

Me: Who has called for you recently?
DD: No one.
Me: You're wrong. Your grandma has called you 3 times, your aunt has called you 2 times and your great grandma came to town and tried to see you. Did you know that?
This statement is going to make her feel defensive and shut down - try finding out WHY she feels you blame her lack of communication on her SM.  
DD: I knew that great grandma came to town. But I didn't want to see her.
Me: I called you before she came out there to see if you wanted to go shopping with her and you told me yes. Right?
DD: Yes but I changed my mind.
Me: So then if you changed your mind why didn't you pick up the phone when she called and called and called to tell her you changed your mind?

Once again, you are not listening to her feelings - ask why she did not want to see GGM.  
DD: I didn't want to talk.
Me: Well I don't believe you on that. And if that is true then you should be ashamed of the way you treated your great grandmother. She was very excited to see you. She made time in her visit to see you. She was very hurt when she couldn't get a hold of anyone. When you were here, I reminded you to call your grandma (BF's mom who I hate with a passion, but don't make it known to DD) and wish her Happy B-day. Remember that?

Now you have said that she is lying to you and lecturing her on why she should want to see someone.  You sound angry with her for not seeing her GGM out of obligation, and she is not going to respond well to that.

I don't know your situation, or what you Ex is like, but I can see how your daughter would feel that your phone calls are not fun and try to get out of them.   You have a great opportunity to improve your relationship with her by concentrating on how she is feeling and why, without judging the content.  As soon as you start to defend yourself against things with you EX or SM, your daughter gets defensive, because she lives with SM and Dad, so their opinions have to matter to her.

I know this is hard to hear and hard to do, but we have done this technique with SS and it has really helped him respond better.

[butterflymackey]

Thanks Skye. I do know that they have a computer because SM emails me all the time. My daughter knows how to use it because she uses mine all the time when she is here, but she has told me that she isnt allowed to use the one at home. I never even considered trying to get the judge to order email time. Thanks, I'll check into more.