Parental Alienation

[cupobutter]

Long story:
  I was an abused wife for two years.  Finally he tried to kill me, my neighbors heard the commotion and called the police.  They also kicked our door in.  During our marriage he didn't let me have a job for a long time, when he did finally let me get a job he insisted on driving me to and from.  He wouldn't let me get a license.  He also intercepted my paychecks.  I never had any money of my own, only a small allowance he would give me.

Anyways, I ran w/ our daughter but b/c I didn't have any friends, family, car or money to get a hold of, I found myself feeling defeated.  Also he got a restraining order returning the custody of our daughter to him.  (He had a scratch from when I tried to fight him off.)

IN the end he got our daughter and moved her to the other side of the United States.  He told me that if I tried to contact our daughter that the police would arrest me.  After he had moved a couple of times I got a hold of him and he said that my parental rights had been terminated.  And that his new wife was my daughter's legal mother now.  And I being only 19, young and dumb, believed him.  I asked for proof, but he just hung up on me, and once again disapeared.  So hopeless, homeless, and never had to live on my own, I gave up.  

Now, after I've gotten my GED, graduated college w/ an associates degree and now have a steady job and 3 boys who would like to meet their sister, I want to do something to see her.

I've recently found out that he's relocated to yet another state, and this has been going on for 10 yrs.  I just don't know what to do, let alone the fact that I'm terrified of her father.


Just needed to unload.  I also found out that I have joint custody (him having physical), I owe years of Child support that I didn't know about, nor did he attempt to collect on.  IN the divorce papers he suppose to allow reasonable visitation and notify me when he moves.  He's never done any of this.  I'm in contempt for the child support, that I'm currently putting money to the side for each month, and he's in contempt for alienating me.

[wendl]

How long has it been since you have seen or talked to your child??

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[cupobutter]

It's been 10 yrs.  She's 12 now.

[CustodyIQ]

I'm very sorry for all that you endured in your first marriage and regarding the loss of your daughter.

That said, I think you should be thinking about the girl's best interest at this point, not what YOU want.

I think it was a mistake to tell your sons that they have a sister.  How does that benefit them, knowing that there's a sister out there they won't likely have any relationship with?!

If I were in your position, I'd try to find a way to learn how my daughter is doing.  Hire a private investigator, for example.  If it appears that she's well-adjusted, doing okay in school, calling someone else mommy, and completely unaware of you... I don't know how it'd be good for her to have you appear on the scene.

So... while I'm sympathetic to your position... I also think it's been way too much time without any action on your part (for whatever reasons).

[cupobutter]

I've thought the same thing.  Except my ex-husband is now with his 4th wife, and he's still a controlling mad man who threatens his wife and kids with guns.  So I basically find out that my daughters last 10 yrs. have been terrible, and she's been terrorized.  His ex told me that shortly after they married, my daughter started crying for me.  My ex picked her up and beat her butt so bad that she never spoke the word mommy again.  That it wasn't until she was 7 that she asked if she could call her mommy, for fear her father would go balistic.  I could go all day with the nightmare stories I've been told.  He even abandoned her for 4 months with his recent ex  (after the divorce) because he didn't want her and so that he could go chase after his "now" wife.     (He also fractured his ex-wife's leg, b/c she had a miscarriage and didn't want to make an 8 hr. drive with him to his family's home.  So he went off on her.)

As for my sons, how do you think it would look when they are in their 20s and some girl shows up claiming to be their sister, and I didn't tell them.  I think I'd be angry if my mom kept the fact that I have a sister out there.  Don't you??

[CustodyIQ]

I think you're a very dramatic person who worries too much about future events and focuses too much on being a victim.  That's what I think.

If I was in my 20s, and some woman said she was my sister, I'd communicate with my mother.  And my mother would explain why the situation is what it is.  And I wouldn't be angry.

But you've intentionally burdened your young children with your past, without even knowing if a future like that would happen.

As I stated, I question if that is best for them.

I also gave you advice on handling the other situation.  If you now have evidence that she's being "terrorized", then take action in court.

[olanna]

And I disagree with you completely.  She should attempt to get in touch with her daughter and build a relationship with her. Better late than never.

Later on down the road, it will be important for this child to know her biological mother.

 I can't believe you would suggest otherwise. I know if someone were to suggest that to a man on this board, they would be ripped a new asshole.

[cupobutter]

I'll excuse your opinion because

a.) I was only 16 when he, a Navy Sailor, got me drunk, had his way, and intentionally got me pregnant.

b.) You don't even know the man, and that he likes to threaten women with guns to get what he wants out of them.

As far as me being a dramatic person, I've lived with myself for the past 10 yrs.  Everyday thinking about my daughter what I could do to correct my wrongs.  
     I've also been a "victim" since early childhood.  I didn't have one, let alone two parents to raise me.  I was cooking my own meals by the time I was 5.  I'd been sexually molested at about 6 by a man who's face I don't even remember, therefore have no clue to who he was.  I was nearly raped by my step-uncle when I was 13, then my step dad kicked me out!  

    My father treated me like I was just the maid and babysitter, while he went out of his way for my half siblings.  And if I so much as looked at him funny he'd beat the crap out of me.  

    My mother was a raging alcoholic who would get drunk and attack the closest person to her.  She broke my one brother's arm, and put about 12 bite marks on my other brother.  She also bit me on numerous occasion.  Twice we had to get a loaded gun out of her hands.  I'd been removed from the home once by the police, b/c of my mother.  I'm sorry if you think I'm dramatic.  No I'm a survivor, I'm a mother bear who's going to find out how and when to recover her lost cub, and to repair the damage that has been done.  You don't just damage something, then walk away and say, OOPS.  

[cupobutter]

Thank you.  I think it's just easier for some people to walk away from the pain they've caused.  Rather than trying to fix it.

[Giggles]

And I am sorry for all the suffering you've been through...you've had a tough life and it sounds like you're finally getting to a point where it's leveling out...good for you!!

Nearly 7 years ago I found out I was pregnant.  I was petrified because I already had a 2 y/o son that I was raising by myself, affording another mouth would practically be impossible.  I wanted to end the pregnancy but my boyfriend wouldn't have that...he said we'd get married and all would be well.  Like a fool, I believed him.  He walked out when I was 6 months along.  On the day of her birth he decided he didn't want anything to do with the child and wanted me to put her up for adoption.  I was already comitted to having the child and said NO WAY to that.  She has been a true joy in my life and I thank God everyday for her.  

For the first 6 years of her life, she never knew her father.  I still kept in touch with his family and they all adored and love her.  It wasn't until the death of her G'father (his father) that he saw her for the first time.  He was at the funeral, of which I debated on taking her too, but came to the conclusion that she needed to be there to say goodbye to her Pappy.  After the proceedings, her father pulled me aside and begged me to let him start seeing her..he said he made a major mistake and that she's the most beautiful thing he's ever laid eyes on.  I told him I would think about it.  I went and I had a talk with her about her bio-father and told her that he would like to see her....being that she is extremely intelligent, she agreed to meet him first.  So after the funeral, I introduced them and what she did shocked everybody.  She jumped up and down clapping saying "I have a Daddy...I have a Daddy".  She then threw her arms around his neck and gave him a huge hug.  They now have a great relationship and she asks to see him all the time.

Kids are resilient and sometimes I don't think adults give them enough credit.  I feel you should try to make contact with your daughter...BUT you must be completely HONEST with her...not make excuses about this or that and DO NOT ever say well your father did this or that.  The past is the past and it cannot change, you have to start from the day of the meeting and go forward.  If you do get the opprotunity to see her and start a relationship, then counseling is a MUST.  I got lucky that my daughter was open to having a relationship with her father, you may find that your daughter might not be as agreeable...especially since as you said, she was beaten if she even so much as mentioned "mommy".  It will take time and you have to have patience.

I wish you all the luck!!