Any tips on getting more child time from an vindictive ex?

[floridadad630]

You don't need to read the rest, but I am looking for some psychological tactics to get more time.  If you act like you don't care about child, does that work? (Obviously I've tried the other way and then she rations my time to fuck with me).   Any suggestions, advice or Jedi mind tricks are appreciated.
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I'm 36, and obviously got a vindictive 48 yo ex, whom I never married and have a 3 yo daughter with.  I'm not going to get into too many details about losing in court, but I did give it my best shot(lost on appeal last friday).  I ended up with alternating wednesdays and weekends, no holidays and only 1 week in the summer.  I also got the right to pick her up from daycare and drop off at 6:30pm on weeknights.


Ex is a control freak(and stubborn), and wanted to dominate me (not in that way) when we were together.  Thats why I left.  Now its seems like thats how it will be regardless.  She has given me no extra time(holidays or overnights) regardless of the fact I  pick my daughter up everyday from daycare and babysit any time it conviences her.   She has a 16 yo son whom has no dad because she moved out of state to get away.

I'm thinking of letting the ex do the daycare pickups it for the next month or so.  It will put preasure on her career, and also I'm hoping the child raising alone for a while will get to her as well.  Do you think this might break her down a bit, and make her more reasonable?

I had sex with her once and she became very cool about sharing our daughter for a week (until I filed appeal).   I would do this for a year if I thought the court would allow a modification--but I know he won't based on previous experience.

I won't reconcile with her ever because of her putting me through the meat grinder, but I am looking for some psychological tactics to get more time.

[wendl]

Continue to pick up your daughter from daycare, log all the extra time you have with her so later you can use the documentation of how much you actually have the child.

It helps your case the more time you have with her by picking her up and keeping her those extra hrs after daycare.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[floridadad630]

Thanks for your comment.  But I don't believe in the courts anymore, I've done all of that, and it got me nowhere.

[kiddosmom]

Do you want to spend less time with her? My advise is the same as above, spend as much time with your daughter as you can, possibly in years to come the ex will chill and be more reasonable. Nothing will change her this soon. Your baby is the one who will be hurt more if you slack off because at this point the ex will be happy to tell the baby 'daddy doesn't want to see you this time' it happens all the time.

[MYSONSDAD]

I agree with the above, get as much time as you can. If a CO is in place, get it modified once you establish more time with your daughter.

There is a Time Tracker here at Sparc or you could get Parentingtime.net. You have to pay for it, but well worth it....

As far as tactics, always take the high road and keep your nose clean. Take your daughter every chance you can and keep track of that precious time.
 
"Children learn what they live"

[wendl]

I totally understand where you are coming from, my husband went thru a custody trial and ended up with less time than he had, he tried for custody to protect his children and better their lives.

All I can say is keep track of the extra time you have with your daughter, it wil help in the future, and if the system fails you, you can always show your daughter how much time you actually spent with her.

Best wishes, I know at time the system does suck and others it actually works like it should.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Ref]

Not just for the Legal reasons but the psychological ones too. If your ex is as vindictive and controlling as you say, there is a good chance that you will be a victim of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). You ex may try to bend things around so that you will always be the bad guy and when your child comes to an age where forcing visitation is impossible, your child will choose not to see you anymore. She may teach your child that you don't care about her and you were never there for her. If you do give up your time with your child this will only serve as evidence for your ex.

DH's ex moved 1300 miles away when they first got seperated. He did not have the help of such a great website like this in those days. He had no idea he could stop her. Now SD beleives that HE did not want to see her much as a child.

Mom is not the bad guy EVER. YOU will be. Be around your child as much as humanly possible so that she can get to know the type of person that you are and Mom can NEVER say that you abandoned them.

[joni]

Keep getting as much time as you can and document the time that you get, including extra babysitting.

This may not increase your chances in court with custody or visitation but it is necessary tactical maneuvers to maintain the time that you do have.  Your Ex has already moved away on one father.  You stop seeing your child, and she moves away, she can use your lack of time against you to get the move.

In the very least, I think that this extra time will give you the evidence you need to get holidays and extended summer time.

Remember, playing her game will only come back to bite you in the ass.

[floridadad630]

Thanks for your help.  This stuff has really messed with my head, and I am thankful to have someone to run this by.  Thanks, Doug

[backwardsbike]

Hi!

I'm a NCP mom.  During an interium custody order I had my kids zero overnights but I picked them up from school everyday and had them one whole day ( no overnight) on the weekend.  I was fighting for custody with every ounce of my being because my ex was not providing good parenting and I was feeling misunderstood by the system.

Anyway for about 16 months I drove 810miles per month without ever leaving my county to maintain this interium order.  I thought my dedication would help my case.  It didn't I still lost.

 I was tired and really angry. While I had been doing all of the work of parenting my ex had been taking his new woman out to dinner every night, going fishing, partying...in short having a real ball while telling the schools and doctors that "the kids live with me"  I picked them up every evening when school was over,  did homework, gave them dinner and then at 7:30 pm took them back to him.  He put them to bed, got them up the next moring, sent them to school to eat a school cafeteria breakfast and called himself the CP and told anyone who would listen how bad I was to not have overnignts.  This went on for almost a year and a half.  When I lost I was alomst crazy with anger and grief.

In my CO I said I wanted only a two hour midweek visitation twice per month and my every other weekend and that I didn't want to pick the kids up from school due to having done all the driving for so long.. Now the kids are showing signs of alienation.  They aren't very close with me at all where they had been very close before.  WhenI lost overnights they saud, " Mom your house feels like a daycare"  Now it feel more like a hotel that they visit once in a blue moon.

I understand how you feel.  But take it from me--do not give up one second of time because you may not be able to get it back.  And friend, it is the most precious thing on the face of this earth.

Allow yourself your anger. It is justified.  Get help and support whenever possible.  Maybe take up a very physical sport to get the feelings and energy out.  But do not give up parenting time with your child.  The child didn't cause this and the child is the one who will ultimately loose if you try what you are thinking of.  Just hang in there.  Besides, you never know what tommorrow will bring and you may again get the chance to have custody.