I changed my tune I Feel for the NonCustodials!

[bunnyfoo98]

Hi I am new to this forum.. this being my first posting.

Here is our story.

Up until I met my husband, I was a custodial single parent of two children from two different fathers. I had the mentality that the fathers OWED ME constantly and that they could basically never do enough becuase I was the one who was taking care of my children day and night.

My first husband was in the military when we divorced and my lawyer at the time convinced me that we needed to get as much as possible from him, well since me husband never responded to the  paperwork asking for info on his income my laywer got the court to set his amount at an unreasonable $$578 a month for one child.

My second fling, (which produced my son) was handled better, (we kept it out of the courts for the first 3 years, he paid volunteerly $200-$300 a month) but the minute he quit paying I gave him hell.. verbal abuse the whole nine yards. becuase I felt he "OWED" me. This dad is in school now fulltime and had the cihld support could have been set at $25 but.. he, on his own, asked the courts to set it at $100  because he felt $25 wasn't enough.. He also drives 2 hours each way to get his son every other weekend.. he is awesome.

The point here is that I was one of the "evil" custodial parents who was brainwashed by the "deadbeat" dad idea. Basically I was angry for being left and took it out on the dads through child support and custody issues.

I grew up.

4 years ago I met a man who was recently divorced and was able to see life on the other side of the fence.

We are from a rural area where jobs are tough to come by, his ex went on welfare therefore the State Admin Judges for DSC set the support at an amount that did not take into consideration that he would need at least something to live off of. While he was working (low wages) he was garnished for support for both his children (seperate mothers, seperate states) his total garnishment was approximatly 75% of his income (rediculous, as they are only supposed to take up to 50%). He was left with $125 a week for his own living expenses, (FAR BELOW THE $946 that they are supposed to allow you to retain) But the state of Washington doens't care about that if they are trying to recoup moneys since the mother was on welfare.

Finally he was forced to quit his job (I could no longer support him) so he decided to go to college as I was. So we are both fulltime students. he is going on the GI bill and I get grants and scholarships. We have no "earned" income except what I get for child support which varies as I realize that my kids' dads sometimes can't always pay and I never expect my first husband to pay the whole $578 but thats another story as I can't even help him to get it reduced, the state wont let me do it on my own without seeing his finacial statements (I can't get ahold of that father)

Basically what happened is .... Since he went to school he has fallen behind on payments, most of the time making partial payments but at one time he did miss 6 months when we both were really struggling,.. Washington DCS pulled his drivers license last August, We continued to make partials after that... Today, they put a lein on our band account. Took everything in there, $700 .. goodbye Christmas for my kids. We have no gas moneys.. nothing. My kids winter clothes came from Goodwill this year, we are and have always been very low-income. We live in public housing.. so you see, we are not rich people at all.. would would love to pay the total support amount if we could..

We are both students, prior to school we couldn't make enough to support our families, we had to go to school to better our lives and the future of our kids. We married last June, and my husband is going for a degree in Network administration (IT degree) and I am going into Family Stuidies, (like a social worker) I have realized how unfair the system is in MOST cases. Sure there are instances that are glamourized on television about rich fathers who just dont want to pay ... BUT THAT ISN"T THE CASE is MOST cases!!! Child support laws kill low-income families. They eventually pull your drivers license which ultimatly can affect your access to your kids if not cause you to lose a job if you do have one.. We haven't been able to visit with his children due to losing the drivers license ( My vision doesn't allow me to drive for my husband , I can only drive locally and during the day, My step kids live hours away and the cp can only meet us after dark..)

I feel horrid now, I feel that what has happened to my husband is like the result of bad KARMA, I treated my kids' fathers like garbage so its coming back on us..

PS>. I just got off the phone with my husbands caseworker and fought to have them only remove $200 of the money in our JOINT bank account instead of the $700 as part of that money was MINE!! and since I am the non-obligated Spouse, my money is excempt.. however, I have doubts they will get the other $500 back into the account by Christmas!! THEY KNEW IT WAS A JOINT ACCOUNT!! grrrrrrrrrrr

Anyways, wow... I really unloaded didn't I? sorry...

also please note, its not like we are trying to avoid paying... we pay partial payments, (about 40%) and sometimes we dont have anything to give.. yet, we are treated like un-caring... the ex has manipulated my inlaws so they all blame me for the finacial issues. I hate it.

[LizaLou1]

Cudos for valuing an education.  Knowledge opens many doors.  However, why are both of you going to school at the same time?  And, why no part time jobs?  It can be done, because I did it.

LizaLou

[bunnyfoo98]

Why are we going at the same time? we didn't start at the same time, I am a year ahead of him... When I started, he was working ... his checks were being garnished at 75% (i know, they are supposed to leave you with 50%, but when two states are involved, they don't always communicate). He wasn't able to support himself on what was left over ($125 a week), and I sure couldn't support him along with my two children on finacial aid ... He was forced to gain skills to get a job that paid more. The problem is, we live in a rural community, unless you are a business owner, rancher or work higher up in agriculture good luck finding a job that pays more than minimum..

Why aren't we working part time?
we both spend a minimum of 45 hours a week on school... full time, heavy load. We are doing this becuase its cheaper in the long run to maximize the amount of credits you take per quarter as long as you are capable of doing the work. Example, it cost the same to take 12 credits or 18.. I would rather take the latter and finish sooner thus less loans in the long run, also, his VA is on a time limit, he only has so many months to claim. So basically, the sooner you are done with school the cheaper it is.
 
One other important reason is ... I have two kids, if I worked when would I have time with my children after already committing 45 hours to school? plus maintain a household, shopping, and volunteering (service learning projects I am involved with)

My husband struggles, if he were to in fact, take a part-time job, I doubt he would do very well in school.. which is our #1 priority now.. His GPA is a little over 3.0 right now.. mine is 3.805.. school is a little easier for me so I have more time at home to do housework and be with my kids.. he often spends much of the evenings reading his texts or working on papers in order to understand more.. I am sure you can relate with that... sometimes some students have to put forth more of an effort than others.. some students can breeze through school and work part-time, others have to dedicate almost every waking moment.

You are right, a part time job could be done... but I wouldn't advise it at the risk of jeapordizing your grades.. however, we are looking into work on campus (like monitoring computer labs and so forth) if he could get a job like that, he could study and work at the same time!! ;) that would be great!

Why are grades so important to us? ... grades = more free money to pay for school! plus I want to go to grad school.. .I am under the pressure of maintaining a 3.8 or above to continue my full - tuition scholarship.. (which means less in loans overall) so by me not working right now, I am saving us bundles of money later on.

eeks.. sorry .. I tend to write too much

[wendl]

Kim hats off to you, I too am a custodial mother, but my ex rarely pays support and rarely sees our son.

I have a wonderfull husband who pays his cs, he is a little behind now as he lost his job due to circumstances beyond his control.

It is horrible how some CP's are so money hungry and when they get the $ don't spend it on the kids but themselves all the while the kids are running around with no glasses, wholey clothing etc. Pretty sad.

It is great that you and DH are going to school to better your lives. Keep up the good work.

DH will be able to get caught up in his cs, sounds like it is short term, has he applied for unemployment????  In the long term you to will be better off for educating yourselves to enable yourselves to get a better paying job, hence will be able to provide for all the kids better.

Good luck.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[shawneetears]

Kimber,

As I am in much the same boat (an NCP going to school full time) I can understand.  Thankfully I don't have little ones at home so I do have some time which I devote to a full time job.

Have you tried to get reductions in either state? Going to school full time and not having a regular job would certianly be a change in circumstances..... even if you could only get a temporary reduction it would be a help.

wish you all the best life has to offer!  :)

[child in mind]

I feel your pain!  The system is NOT fair at all.  From my past experiences alone I can attest that.  I just recently got out of court on a child support issue.  The judgement was rendered a few years ago after I lost my license for being inmature about driving.  I was down and out...took a job for the county paying less than what a McDonalds was paying..but it was a job.  We went to court, they took 33% of NOTHING..which left me with nothing.  So I get my license back a year ago, get a good job...and the drama unfolds again.  This time for back child support.  Keep in mind that I never missed a weekend and always brought gifts for birthdays and any other holiday.  In the meantime my mother, yes my mother, was sending her money without me knowing.  I get the copy's of the checks, but leave them at home in a rush on court day.  I get to court, ask for a continuance to go home to get them, NO we're gonna settle this now.  So I was order to pay a figure that the MOTHER came up with or face a year in jail.  Arent they suppose to take your license first?  I have a CDL so my license is my paycheck.  Needless to say that I paid it right before Christmas.  I called on Christmas eve and asked what she got the child and if anything had my name on it....."for what" is what she said!  Find out my child got more from me than she did her mother thats getting support.
Also be reminded....I moved out of state for a while to escape the drama, no license in my possesion.  I caught the bus to the subway platform..the subway to the bus station and took the trip home EVERY other weekend to see my child...and she's saying that I'm no good.

No justice, No peace