Change in Custody.... Battle HELP!

[jojobear]

In July of 1999, my then wife walked out on me and our 2 kids.  She granted me custody of the kids because she felt it was the best thing for them.  The court ordered her to pay $51.00 weekly for child support although I did not want it.  (maybe it is state minimum... that is what the judge set).  It has been over 5 years.  In the past 5 years I have gotten remarried and we live in a town that is 100 miles away from my ex-wife.  She signed all forms needed that approved the move, before we moved.  My boys have adjusted well, and they have 2 step brothers and a step sister that they live with.  They love their school and are active in sports.  We have blended very well.  It is myself, my wife and our 5 children.  Last October we were served with relocation of parental rights papers.  My ex wife is taking me to court for custody of my 2 boys.  When we talked to the boys, both of them want to live with her.  She has bought them a motorcycle, and has gave them each their own room, with cable, PS2's and a new game every time they go up there...(every other weekend).  She has told them that they would not have to do their homework if they lived there..and a numerous other things that are very outlandeous!  She has promised that they would find a church to attend (we are very active in our church here)  What 12 & 10 year old would not want to live there?  They knew that the papers were going to be filed.  But she told them that if they told us...we would hate them.  So for a month my boys lived with this...and did not mention anything to us.  What a relief off of their shoulders when we finally found out and told them that NO MATTER what they do...we would never hate them! This has been a horrible ordeal.  A GAL has been appointed.  I have never had any experience with any of these things and I do not know what to expect.  If my boys say they want to live with my ex wife....will the judge just allow it?  The GAL wants 3 people other then myself to talk to...who should those people be?  Should my new wife be one of them?  And my stepchildren?  I just don't know any answers but I have a lot of questions.  We hired an attorney from out of town because none of the ones here in town would travel to the city that the papers were filed in.  We chose him because he has commercials on a Christian Radio Station that we listen to...but he has just not be forthcoming with information.  We feel very lost.  If anyone has been through a relocation of parental rights please help us with information.  My wife and I feel that it is with us that would be in the best interest of my boys.  We love them, have a good Christian family here, and we are always here.  My exwife works 3rd shift and when my boys are up there.....they are either at the babysitters (their grandparents) or alone...watching their 3 year old brother while their Mom sleeps.  In fact, since the papers have been filed there has only been one weekend (over Christmas) that their Mom has spent the entire weekend with them.  Every other weekend they have spent atleast one night with their Grandparents.  (Biological Mom gets them every other weekend).  
We are all so new at this...and it just sucks.  Our Christmas was spent pinching pennies because of all the legal fees...but she was able to spend atleast $700.00 on each of the boys...The boys really think that they will have EVERYTHING if they live there....and she is doing a fine job at proving that.  But we just don't want to play that game.  My wife and I think that the time we spend with them is much more important then the money we spend on them....but at 10 & 12...they just don't see that.
Help!!

[exwiferuinsson]

First of all, you are not alone with this type of ordeal.
You did not mention what state you are in, as I believe there are only two states that allow the children to say where they want to live and actually give weight to that at a certain age.
For your ex to have filed for a change in custody, she would have to prove a change in circumstances and prove that the change would be better for the children (theoretically).  
The GAL's job is to investigate and offer recommendation to the court. The GAL should aquire school records...grades, attendance, ect, and talk to school. The GAL should speak with you, your wife, children (bio & step), your ex wife and make home visits to each home. I would offer to the GAL for additional information to speak to someone at the church the kids are closely involved with, anyone else the kids are involved with on a regular basis in any extra curricular activities.
Im curious, up to this point, have there been any "visitation" issues?  What type of parenting relationship have you had with your ex over the past five years?

[jojobear]

I know that we are not alone...I just wish that we didn't feel so uneducated in all of this!  We just don't know which way to turn.  
We are in Ohio.  
The papers say that the reasonings for the reallocation of parental rights and reponsibilities are 1)passage of time 2) changing of school districts (which happend with the move 4 years ago.  My boys have went to school here since 2001) 3)relocation of plaintiff (I don't know why I am called the Plantiff....but the relocation was me and the boys, which was in 2001...and she signed the papers that it was okay)  4)desires of the chilren
The GAL that has been appointed is located 100 miles away where our dissolution was filed.  The letter I received states that only the individual client may attend the appointment with the GAL and I should bring with me a list of names, addresses and phone numbers of 1 to 3 people that I want the GAL to talk to.  Who do I say she should speak to?  If i say my wife and my children that will be 6 people right there!  lol  3 over what she states she wants to speak to.  
Besides my ex being late to drop off the boys...there really hasn't been any visitation issues.  She gets them every other weekend which we meet her 1/2 way.  I do not speak to her very much.  My wife emails her with all the information on Doctors, Dentist, School Functions...etc.  We send all of their school papers up with them on the weekends that she has them.  When we do talk, it is cordial and we always try to compromise if there is a time that we can not make...as far as picking up/dropping off the boys.  We have never talked down about her in front of the kids.  She has been invited into our home each time she has been in town (she isn't in town often)  But honestly, it is my wife that does most of the communicating with her.  They even "instant message" each other on frequent occasions.  
I don't know what brought all of this on...but I do know that she has mentioned on several occasions recently that I would hate it if I didn't get "that check" (meaning the child support) she sends.  We had an occurance last month during Christmas vacation.  The boys had a scheduled Orthodontist appointment and my wife asked her at the end of November if it would be a problem.  We did not get a response from her.  When she was reminded of it in December, she said that she had forgot and could not make the appointment because she had to work (she has NEVER taken them to any of their appointments since we split up....during the summer months she cancelled all of their appointments with the orthodontist because she said that she could not make any of them) I emailed her and asked her if we could pick up the boys to take them to their appointment over Christmas break becuase the orthodontist said that it would be February before we could get another appointment.....and she came back with the reply that she had to work and I would hate it if I did not get the money that she sends every 2 weeks.  Come on, has she seen school lunch prices?  $51.00 a week barely covers it for both of the boys!!
So that is a little more on the situation.  
Thank you so much for replying.  I have been waiting for someone too!  Thanks!

[SadStepMom]

I wish I could offer some good advice, but I just don't have the experience.  But there is something that really caught my eye and I thought I better say something.

You said you chose your attorney because he advertised on the Christian station you listen to.

I just started reading a book called Blind Baseball.  It is about a father's struggle with divorce/custody.  I haven't gotten very far, but what I have read so far is  - that he was very active in his Christian church, and when his wife decided that she didn't want to be married anymore, he hired an attorney that he felt was a good Christian, had morals, etc.

He said this was one of his first huge mistakes, his wife hired a baracuda, and his attorney just couldn't compete with the baracuda.

If your attorney isn't getting the job done, you need to find someone else, your children are too important!

[backwardsbike]

Hi Jojobear,

I am a NCP mom.  I have four children.  Two living with me full  time fro my second marriage and two from my first marriage whom I only see EOW.  When my custody problems began six years ago I hired a lawyer who had a reputation for being "fair".  She sold me out.  SHe did not look out for my interets.  She did not help me understand my situation.  She just made sympathetic noises and collected my money. After about $17,000 in legal fees the property was finally settled.  I had lost the house I designed and paid 70% of.  I was awarder all household contents but did not have the right to pack items myself.  Ex and new wife packed for me.  They kep heirloom jewlery ( my mother's engagment and wedding bands and my grandmother's diamond earings)  They said they sent them I said I didn't receive them the judge said, "sorry for your luck".  They intentionally broke many sentimental items in front of my kids then therw the pieces in a box and said, " Well, off it goes to mom's house".  They pumped the kids for information about the house I was buying and made an appointment with the realtor to see it just hours before I signed my agreement to purchase.

When the going got tough with the custody situation and I was unwilling to bend and jusr give up my lawyer quit my case and I had to find new counsel and start all over again.

The moral to this story is do not find a lawyer who thinks like you do.  I can already tell that you are good, kind christian people.  you will get nowhere being kind.  You need a really good preferably certified family law attorney.  In your favor is the status quo.  It weighs heavily but leave nothing to chance.  You absolutely CAN loose.  Your ex is already showing you that she will pull out all the stops to win.  She is attempting to buy your kids.   If by chance that doesn't work she may alienate them.  It happened to me and I had a very strong relationship with my kids through out the past five years of my six year custody ordeal.  In the year I was preparing to regain custody my ex and his wife alienated the children so badly they didn't even want to visit.

Call you state Bar Association and ask about certified family law attorneies.  Try to find one who has experience practicing before the judge who will hear your case.  Ask friends and aquaintences for referrals.  Like Soc says find someone who got hosed in a custody case.  Ask them who their ex's lawyer was and hire him.

Good luck.  You will need all the love patience and prayers you can muster.  Money doesn't hurt either!  A custody suit is grueling.  It will take a toll on you , your spouse and the other children.  

[msme]

You are under attack. First off, go HIRE a Board Certified Family Law & Custody Specialist. Notice the word hire. You are hiring that person & they work for you. Like any other employee, you must stay on top of what they are doing.

Canceling orthodontist appoints for several months, could be considered abuse, because delay in the treatment can cause permanent damage to the childrens teeth. Call the dr. & ask for a print out of all appointments. Including canceled & no-shows. Prepare a calendar list of her visitation so you can show just how many times she has canceled or not shown up. Send these to the GAL.

I hope you kept the emails saying that she can't do things they need,"Because she has to work". Print them & send them along also. Even though She seems to be threatening to not send the CS, I read it as, "I don't want to work & You will pay me lots when I get custody." I guarantee, it won't be $51. It will probably be about 35% of your gross pay.

Then when she can't keep on playing Disney Mom, it will be all your fault because she could always do it when she sent you CS so you obviously aren't paying enough & that is because you do not love them.

Don't let your guard down. She is viscious & she doesn't care who gets hurt on the way to screw you, one more time.

Good luck & God bless, I will keep you & your family in my prayers.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[Davy]

JoJobear

I haven't personally been active in family law matters for a very long time but in the day a change in custody required a substantial change in in the child(ren) circumstances and was often far more difficult than an original custody matter.  The reasons given for the change appear trivial at best.  Substantial change usually equated to severe physical or sexual abuse, neglect, etc.   I suspect this matter will not take legs irrelevant of what the kids say they want.   Due to the lenght of time the children have been under your nuturing care and the condition of the children is your greatest asset and like money in the bank.

It appears the evil one has placed your children up for sale. You have to fight evil with evil.  Do not TRUST anyone.  Have some hardball questions for any attorney you are considering and one that will move to resolve in the shortest time possible (dismiss if possible) especially due to ALL children that may be impacted by the actions of the evil ones.  It would be great if you could find an unbiased party (professional willing to give testimony)  to counsel the kids on materialism and their stated reasons of the so-called desire change.  

By the way, the SPARC site (link from main page) contains some much valued information and advice.

Best of everything to your family !!!  

[jojobear]

all of this is really depressing.  I don't hate my ex...i don't think she is the worst parent on earth.  But I do know with all my heart and soul that my boys are better off with me.  They are always welcomed here...(she has told them and me...that if they misbehave they are no longer welcomed at her house...).  She has put them on top of a roof to take down Christmas lights...and my oldest almost fell off the roof (he was 11).  She has left them alone to watch their 2 year old half brother...for hours on end.   This to me shows lack of judgement.  They are better off with me.  I am not the perfect parent...but I do have their best interest at heart.  And this fight of mine has just begun..but already this website and many others has left me with this horrible feeling that I am going to lose..no matter what I say or do.   I hate divorce... I hate the judicial system...but most of all, I hate that my kids are being put through this. They don't deserve it!

[backwardsbike]

JoJoBear<

I will not give you the idea that you will loose your kids.  My ex has custody of mine.  I am a NCP mom.  Men do win and you have the history of having the kids with you for so long.  That status quo will work in your favor.

Is there a chance that you and your ex could work out some type of mutually acceptable paretning schedule where you share the time more equally?  If you go in front of a judge it will be a crap shoot.  If you can negotiate with her at least you still maintain some control.  It is something to think about.

Also, I would look into why the BF isn't seeing his kids.  If he is a child abuser then make an issue of it.  But if not, I implore you not to use it to your advantage now that she has sought custody.

My kids lived with DH and I from 2/98 until 11/00 without incident.  Then my ex played that "he is a danger" card to gain the upper hand in the custody battle.  I have hated the fact that he did it because he knew all about my DH's past and didn't care as long as I was providing babysitting at no cost for him whenever he wanted it.  Then when I wanted custody for school purposes to get the kids in a better school district he wasn't happy with being called a NCP and the possiblity of having to pay $$$ and went for my jugular.  He knew damn well that my kids were in no danger at all but he went to the evaluator wrigning his hands and doing the poor me routine and it worked.

Now he and SM PAS the kids and mentally and verbally abuse them.  The kids are afraid to tell anyone the truth.  At times they are so confused that they often don't know the truth from a lie.  He is never home and the SM raises the kids.  There is no reason I can't see them more often other than that he says, "no".

When we had joint custody I had the kids all the time when he worked and they were out of school.  He would send them with no breakfast and would pick them up at bedtime.  I fed them I washed their clothes and I asked for no child support.  When my first child with DH was born I asked ex to provide groceries for the older kids as Dh was working 60 to 65 hours per week as a cook.  Ex said, "you want to see them then you feed them".  We just could not afford it so I asked for minimum support.  I got $126 twice per month.  His income was about $38,000 a year att hat time.  Now he has the kids.  I am on mediacl disability.  I only get $983 per month and $150 goes for support plus $15 for arrears and he complains its not enough.  He now makes $60,000 a year.  When I worked I made 18,000 a year and paid $360 in support.  More than he paid me when he made $38,000.  He is all about the money.  I have told him that if we could do joint custody I would not seek support but he will not hear of it!

Don't think you will not get custody just because you are a man.