Professional Help?

[kidz_need_dad2]

Background: Never married, 10yr. old daughter. 38 trips to Court since 99'. $26,000 paid in attorny fees.
Everytime at court I seem to get a decent outcome, approx. 2 or so months later she'll get an temp. order (of course i'm not even notified of a hearing), & it starts all over again. First me having to show that everything she said for the temp was not just. Then the usual fight to get time back with my daughter.
Parent Alienation, Maulious Mother Syndrome,,,,this is where the big problem is: In the last year,,,she has changed my daughter's school w/o notifying me, had phone disc. for about 2 months, either hung up the phone when I called or quickly started a fight and then hung up> preventing me to talk with my daughter.
My grandfather passed away in Sep. She refused to let our daughter attend funural. Daughter was very close to him. Grandmother very sick in hospital 2 months, again no visit & no phone calls.
I could go on and on, but by now, I hope you can see where this is going.
I went from the calling everyday routine, getting shut down, hung up, told off,,,,for days, weeks, months,,,,...it's hard to even right this next sentence. I HAVN'T SEEN MY DAUGHTER FOR ONE FREAKIN YEAR & TWELVE FREAKIN DAYS!!!,, the last time I spoke with her was in May!!
More recently, her mother told a realitve on phone that she (daughter) doesn't even want to talk or see her dad!
Through the years, I've read about dad's that have 'given up', and replyed (in my mind),,,how could they? not me!,,never!!
Well guess what,,,,here' lookin at me!!
IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I'VE SEEN OR COMMUNICATED WITH MY DAUGHTER, I'M ACTUALLY SCARED TO TALK/SEE HER. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY! I'M EVEN EMBARRASED (SOMEHOW),,, I THINK I NEED TO SEE SOMEONE LIKE FOR THERAPY,OR ALIKE. AND YES I'M FILLING PAPERS FOR YET ANOTHER TRIP TO YE' OLD COURTHOUSE!! )
 Sorry if I went back & checked for grammar errors I know I'd be erasing half of what I wrote!!
 

   
 

[Fair_Rulings]

Hang in there, tell your daughter you love her by mail if you can.  When you see her tell her you'll always be there for her.  Keep it simple, and don't focus on your ex so much.  Work at dealing with the messed up court system that takes children away from their parents.

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[daddenied]

Where do you live?  I live in Long Beach and my ex-wife moved my children up to Northen California about 2 years ago.  Visitation had been going well up until last summer, when the boys spent about a month with me here in Long Beach.  My girlfriend's nephews who are all the same age as my children also came into town so that they could meet and have a good time.  I also wanted to have my kids have friends that they could tie to my area, where I live.  With all of their friends and school up North, I wanted to help make it a more enjoyable time.  Needless to say, we had a blast.  AFter returning home the 2nd week of July, I stop hearing from them, their mother does not return calls, etc...  I call and get no messages. I start receiving email messages from their mom saying they had a bad time and hated me and my girl and everyone else they met, etc... I knew it was just her talking, but it was frustrating not being able to talk to the boys.  From July- Dec. I did not see my children, except for twice when I drove up North to pop into a game and one of my children told me he didn't want to see me.  I was broken hearted.  I retained an attorney who took every dime out of me, nothing close to what you have spent, but after that, the D.A;s office in her town called her and forced her to have the boys meet at our exchange spot for Christmas.  In the 5 months, I had heard from my children, not on my birthday, or Thanksgiving or Christmas day, but when they were told to call me to tell me they did not want to see me.  I did not lose hope and when I got them for a week after Christmas, we had the best time.  We spent some quality days together and then I drove them to see their new friends they had met over the summer and spent New Years with them.  It was wonderful!  I decided not to speak of the last 5 months, feeling that they must be going through a lot, hearing negative things, and being influenced by their mother, and not knowing what to believe.  They have always been very timid...all of them.  I got to see them twice in January with the D.A's help and she is back at it again.  I have not seen them in 2 months now and have not heard from them.  I feel like giving up, but I know I can't.  I have spent every dime to fight her in court, and she just seems to get uglier and uglier.  All I am fighting for is for her to not violate the child custody order and visitation order.  We share JOINT legal and physical custody.  I know this is long, but I needed to get it off of my chest.  I have just filed the 4th police report against her in her county for violating the child custody order and per my attorney, I am to do this every visitation weekends, which is every other weekend.  Hang in there.  I know what it feels like.  Write her, call and leave messages if you can, send things to her certified mail, that's what I do to document contact.  I also have contacted their schools for progress reports so that when I do talk to my children, they can know I know what is going on with them in school, etc...  Good luck from a fellow frustrated dad...I also ask...is there ever any real justice for fathers?

[Troubledmom]

>I also ask...is there ever any real justice for fathers?

The question should be is there ever any real justice for non custodial parents?

Anytime one parent is denied the rights gauranteed in the constition to parent their child, when a parent is reduced to the roll of a visitor in a childs life there is no justice as we in the United States understand justice to be.

By the way no where in family law codes do you see the word "justice" used in determining a parents right to parent their child.

TM

[jcaveman]

I maybe dreaming, but I think there is hope...even if that is when they turn 18!  A friend of mine went through a similiar situation for years.  When the kids turned 18, they moved in with him and now as adults live close to him and don't speak to their mother very much.  His two kids are very ticked at their mom for keeping them away from the father and being a control freak.  

Maintain hope and faith.  looks like the previous responder has a DA on his side which is more than most.  document every attempt at contact...phone, mail, e-mail.  Consider setting up a personal web-page that you can use to communicate with them (that is my next step).  Password it so it is only between you and the kids if you are concerned about access.  

If she continues to be unruly when she calls, leave the answering machine on and don't pick up.  save the tapes for later.  You have to build a case (over time) that she is alienating your relationship with the kids and turning the kids against you.  This is a form of emotional abuse and has lasting effects.  

Demand that the kids get into a decent therapist that is not biased (if you heard of Kids' Turn/Parents' Turn they maybe able to recommend one  'www.kidsturn.org').  Attend a similiar type class as the above if in your area and get the court to order it for your spouse.  

Get it added to the court order (amended/modified) to have "daily phone contact" or it may already be in there.  leave messages if you have to, but call...always call...positive, loving, supportive messages.  And keep the phone records to show that you did attempt contact and she denied.  Don't go too over-board one call and always politely ask to have your kid call back at the end and you love them.

If there is a court order, fulfill your obligations and peacefully demand your time.  Whether or not the child wants to see you doesn't matter, the court ordered that you have the "right" to some time.  

Don't loose hope, keep the faith and maintain peace and contact.  what she is doing is typical for those that need to control others to exist.  It will damage her relationship with the kid later in life.  But the kid will hold you responsible if you don't try...forever if that is what it takes.

And yes, get professional help (therapy and a good lawyer) for yourself.