I am new and I sure could use some advice

[ds4240]

Hi,
I am not sure how to start but I am going to attempt to explain my situation.

March ,1989 .   My Son was born in wisconsin.  I never married his mother but I was present at birth and I am named on the birth certificate as his father.  In 1990 we moved to Florida.  Shortly after that we split up.  I ended up coming back to wisconsin.   I was gone for over a year without any contact.  I went back down to Florida in 1992 to see my Son.  I found my Son living with her brother and his new wife. My boy was already calling him dad.  They hinted around having me sign my name off of him and I wouldn't budge. I then found out that my ex had another child and there was a small chance it was mine but they did not think he was. My ex was claiming that this child was also mine. I offered to start paying support and they refused and told me I had to go through the state. They also advised me not to make contact with his mother. Which I relise now was a mistake.  

When I came back to wisconsin I contacted a Lawyer to see what I should do and he told me I should have blood test done on both boys. The reason being was to find out if a. this other boy was mine and b.  so my boys mother could not come back later on and tell me that my boy  was never mine. I later contacted the state of Florida and told them who and where I was. I told them I was the Father of one boy but I did not know about the other and that I wanted blood test.  Anyways a couple months later I went and had my blood drawn for the state.  During this time I lost contact with my Son because there phone was disconnected. Then I got a letter back from there address saying the no longer lived there. Then I got a letter from the state of Florida saying to forget about child support that they lost contact with the custodial parent.   That was the last time I heard or seen my son until about a year ago when I found out from the internet that his mother was in prison.  I kept my number the same all these years because it was my only contact with my Son. I guess I assumed that they would contact me. I tried a couple time to find him but the sheriffs office would not tell me anything and I could never find any phone number for them. I thought they were avoiding me because of the fear of taking custody eventually and that was a posibility. I didn't even know if they were still in florida.   I feel guilty for not hireing a investigator to find them but I never did and the next thing I know he is 15.

How I found him was by doing a reverse look-up on his mother last known address and they came up with a phone number and when I dialed it my Son was on the other end.  I found out that he was living with his uncle again and that he devorsed his wife shortly after I was down there last and they moved.  I guess the kids had been living with his ex-wife for most of the time and that no-one knew how to get a hold of me.  Thats was a lie. Anyways when I confronted her she told me she never contacted me because she was afraid I would come trake the kids.  Anyways I guess she was now on the run from the law and I didn't get to ask her much more. I was pretty furious but I also feel guilty that I could have tried harder myself and cant blame her entirelly even though I want too.  So for the last 12 years the boys have lived with ther mother for a total of 2 years and lived with there uncle for 2 years and lived with the uncles ex-wife the rest.

Now The entire time the mother has the legal custody and the only custody the other people involved have was a piece of paper from the kids mother saying the kids are living her or there.  No court has ever given the custody of these kids to the uncle or the ex.  

I have remained in contact with my Son. I call atleast 4 times a month. I also went down there for almost 3 weeks last summer and spent every day with him.  I was surprised on how well we hit it off.  I still dont know if the other boy is mine and I cant tell by seeing him it could be or he might not be.  He told me he wishes I was.  Anyways I also flew my boy up her for 10 days at christmas and then flew him back.  I tried to convince him to stay but he wants to live with his uncle. I felt I had no right to tell him what to do because I was not there.  He would have it alot better here than with his uncle.  I was disapointed but what else could I do? He was completely different in his thinking than he was when I was down there in the summer. I wanted to call it brained washed.

Here where I am going to let it all out.  His mother is out of jail now.  She wants whats best for her Son and she knows he would be better off up here.  She said that boy loves you I can see it when he talks about you.  Why doesn't he want to live here then?  He selling Pot.  He is 15 get to come and go as he wants to and he is even talking about dropping out of school and going to work with his uncle.  He has his party friends.   It hurts that he wants to smoke pot rather than to get to know me.  Why is his uncle letting him do this anyway? I ask myself.  He is even growing plants in the house.   Now his mother suspects that his uncles new wife is smoking crack with him.  She calls me balling that she's worried and that her family has basicly taken all control of her kids.  She says do what ever you have to do I want him up there with you.  What do I do?

Anyways Let me tell youi about her family.  I looked up there last 5 years of public records and found out that everyone has been arrested for drugs pot and cocain.  More than once.    

I feel I dont have a right because I wasn't there but then on the other hand I feel that I finally have a chance to be a father to him now.  I feel that if I dont do anything that he's going to be in trouble soon. But then may say it's already too late others will say get him out of there now!

I have a house in wisconsin and I do have room.  On the other hand I have stage III colorecatal cancer and a few other health issues. I dont need alot of stress but I am already stressed.  I have a 9 year old daughter and she is my everything.   My other half has Multiple Sclerosis but we are stable and have been togather almost 13 years. We dont have alot o f money and we spent most of our savings this summer and for christmas but we can feed another.  I have applied for disability so if I get approved things will be better.  eitherway there still better than down there.

I dont know if I'll beat my disease but this may be the only chance I ever get to know my Son.  I am home now and I have the time to be with him.  

When I talked to pro-sa her in town they told me to go down there and take him right from school.  There is no way I could go to his house and make him come up.  His uncles family would not allow it and even my ex is afraid of her own family.

Do I throw in the towel ?  Really I want to do what best for my Son.  Do I make him come up against his will or do I leave things the way they are?  I just cant make this on my own. I still want to know if the other boy is mine. I know he would love to come up and live with us.  He wants to get out of there.

Sorry if this is hard to understand my mind has been going non-stop at 100 mph for the last month I cant write and I can sleep I need to get this issue resolved one way or another.

Any advice would be great.

Douglas
[email protected]  

[MYSONSDAD]

I am really having a problem with this. If I am reading this correctly, you have had little or no contact with your son until recently.

Whether you were married or not, you could have had visitation put into place. A lot of time has gone by. 15 years, why bother now? He is almost of age to make his own choice. Give him your address and phone number, if he decides he wants you in his life, he will call you.

For most of us here, 15 weeks is too long.

I wish you well in your fight against cancer...

[ds4240]

I know My letter is hard to read.   We were apart 11 years.  This was not the way I wished it to be. I made several attempts to find out where he was.  I was not even sure he was still in Florida until last year.

So your saying I should just throw in the towl and leave him there?  It's to late to save him.  I feel I may regret not even trying.  The only reason he dont want to move up here is because his uncle promiced him the moon if he stays and is letting him sell and grow pot in and out of the house.  He had planned on moving up here when I was down there for summer but there been some brain washing going on since then.  He has this fairy tale in his head that he is going to drop out of school and be a carpenter and he going to live happly ever after.  If I thought he was truely better off where he was I would not even of bothered to take any action.  I always planned on letting him choose where he wanted to be.  He doesn't want to live with his mother or me he wants to live with his biological uncle (which he calls dad) So he can smoke dope all day.  His uncle cant even afford to keep his phone on and I wont be able to stay in touch.  If I let him go I pretty much have to acept that I have also lost him as a son because there too much distance between us.

At first I felt like it was destiny that I found him now , but now I am even hurting more than I did when I didn't know where he was.  

So does everyone here feel the same way?  Thats it just to late to help him.  I should let him go on his current path?  I really don't know thats why I am asking.  If the majority think it's wrong then I can try to forget about the situation and concentrate on my present family.

There is no custody battle I have his mother behind me.   I only have to make a choice  Make him come up here and have stability or he can stay down there and make his own path.  he is a product of his uncles inviroment.

Thanks for your advice.  I still could use more.

[olanna]

You know, you might be onto something here. What if you could get him away from his environment through a CO? Would you be willing to do it? He is still a child at 15 and maybe if you removed him from the people he is hanging around with, got him back in some type of school and got him into something worth his while, You might be able to turn things around. I don't think it's ever too late to try and most people regret what they don't do a whole lot more than what they have done.

Give it a shot.

I had a 16 year old that was strung out, too.  I busted my ass working with him until he bought into himself. Today he is a successful 26 year old that is a wonderful, productive, lovable human being.

What a difference a day makes.

Best to you and your family.

[Davy]

Your situation is less about a parent-child relationship, marital relationships, etc and more about an at risk youth in a permissive drug infested environment.  Normally, the child's only hope is in-house counseling and an abrupt change in environment and even then relapse is often considered normal.  In the process families are destroyed and stress is at an all time high ...theft, violence, etc.  The drugs and the accompanying lifestyle is king.

If I were you I would be working with the authorities / judiciary where the child is located.  The mother and father working together MAY be able to force the child out of his current environment into another placement probably away from alll family members and in particulaly the uncle.  Then and only then might the child have a chance.  This is a law enforcement issue but LE may wait until the child can be prosecuted as an adult ....... I hope you're getting my drift.  

Do not expect the FL officials to send the child out of state...they are handsomely rewarded with federal funds for providing services and once in the system they have high failure rate (historically) but many jobs are created.  

Above all, please understand these are just my opinions and I highly recommend you counsel with juvenile specialist as soon as possible.

[c_alexander]

I am just wondering...considering the number of unwed fathers that have posted lately. Guys please don't think I am bashing you here. I am jsut wondering what kind of society we are creating and what kind of example we are setting. I don't know, called me old fashioned, but I didn't get my ex pregnant until we got married.  

[olanna]

The moral thing? If you don't get married, you have to worry about CS. If you do get married, you can throw alimony in the mix with CS.

It's also better for Mom if she isn't married if the guy isn't making a fortune.  She can fall back on the state if she has a child.

It isn't society. It's government and the court system.

[Sherry1]

nor did I encourage him to marry her, I did not want his life ruined by marrying her.

[ds4240]

Somtimes it does not pay to be married the way this world works.  Unless your loaded with money you get pentlized around every corner.

As for my Sons Mother.  We were togather about 3 years and in that 3 years we fell apart because of her ties with her outlaw family.  We really brought out the worst of each other plus we were young.  Finally one day I asked her to choose between me and her family and she decieded that it would be her family.  I had to leave because I was being threatened by them at that time.  

As for my last relationship I have had for almost 13 years and have a 9 year old daughter from is lasting without marrage.   It isn't that I dont love her enough it because the goverment will victomize us.  She has MS and just one of her medications cost $20.000 a year if we were married my income would have stopped her from getting help paying for her medication.  Now that we are both disabled I believe that we would loose income also by being married.  In my eye's were married.  We have even considered just changing her last name to mine for appearences.

Neither of these issues affects my situation..     I would say were not married because of todays society and the goverment.

It's worse than that because I want to do somthing.  I want to find a job I can do but If I attempt to work I will loose my disability claim.  Or if I do manage to find a job that I can do and I make to much I loose my insurance.   Thats means more to me than any amount of money I could make.  I need the insurance that the state has given me.   The state gives me no incentive to go out and find a job I can do.  I dont honestly know what I could do but I dont even bother to try looking.

Infact my depression is not caused by my condition it is caused by the people and the goverment that I have had to deal with during my ordeal that got me depressed.   It no longer right to do the right and moral thing. It is only correct to follow the law to the letter no matter how unfair it is.   If the goverment had been fair with me I would have over come my health issues and moved on.  I almost feel that the goverment tries to keep you down and out.   They made my Girlfriend wait 3 years for disability and she was in bed 80% of the time.    That tore me up to see how that effected her and now I have to go through it myself.  

I think that these laws that were written 50 years ago should be updated.


Douglas

[ds4240]

I never thought of this problem as a addiction.  But it might be.  I always thought  that pot was not addictive like cigerette's or drinking.

As for the authorities it will do no good to contact them.  They would not even tell me if my Son was still in Tampa.  If I told them what was going on the family would suspect me I know it and they would move the plants before anyone ever showed up.  they have connections and I have seen them at work when I lived down there.  So calling the law is out. Besides I am afraid of this family and I dont want to make any more waves than I have too.

As far as consiling that is what pro-sa is.  there the ones who told me to go to his school and make him get in the car and bring him strait up here.  They adviced me not to go to the uncles house and try to retrieve him there.  

The state is not involved. I already called them and made sure that his uncle was never granted custody from the state.  My Son has only been living with his uncle for about the last year.  I can legally go down there and take him right from school.   the only one who can say anything is his mother and this is what she wants so she not going to do anything but be glad..

It's still a very hard choice for me to make.  If I do decied to do this I will need a plan.   I need more input from other people.  so far it's about 50/50 each way and this does not help me much.

As of right now his grades have just went from b's and c's to d's and f's. He has not been in any trouble as of yet but I do see it coming.  He wanted to come up her until just recently.  I call this his uncles influence.
He basicly told my Son he could do what ever he wanted.  So my 15 year old is living as a unsupervised adult with no responsibility.  I guess that would be every 15 year olds dream.


Anyways I still need alot more input.  
Thanks in advance.

Douglas