DH's folks unreasonable.

[4honor]

Many have heard that SS has raped and sodomized DS1 and DS2 ( for about 18 months now at last count) and we just recently heard about it.

DH is NCP and his folks are pushing hard for us to take SS back into our home. Frankly, I think it is a bad idea and I would like to tell them if they want to coddle SS they can just F' themselves, cause I won't have him back in the house. I won't have him there overnight  at least until after he is tried, but I DON't really want him back over night at all. There is a way to alter the house and put in alarms, but I really don't want to live like I'm in jail so he can spend 4 days a month with us. But it will start a war if I just stand up to MIL and FIL.

I suggested we purchase an RV and DH and SS can sleep out there or DH can drive it up to SS' house and stay there. DS1 and DS2 go from sad they can't see SS to being angry and afraid of him.

Help me weigh the pro's and con's of me requesting a TRO against SS for myself and the boys. Besides stressing DH to the limits, and the in-laws already being pushy and demanding and unhappy about this, what else should I know in order to make an informed decision?

Thanks,
4honor

[wendl]

4
Is there any way you and the kids can leave when ss comes over, or have the vistation at dh's parents house. You are right to want to protect your kids from your ss.

Wish I still lived by you, then you and the kids could've come over on the weekends.

Hugs to you, I know how much you are struggling with this. Has mom put ss in counseling yet and have the PD been able to question him??

Extra hugs to you, email me anytime you want to vent.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Hazel]

Stand your ground.  If disagreeing with them is going to start a war, then so be it.  Your in-law's feelings in this matter should not bear one iota of weight.  You have to protect your children at ALL costs.

As far as purchasing an RV, I wouldn't purchase Jack *&%$ to make life easier and nicer for a rapist.  I can tell you that if anyone ever layed one hand on my kids in that manner, they'd have their head ripped off and handed to them.  There would be no discussion of ANY kind about what's "fair".

If MIL and FIL are so in love with the kid, he can go spend time at THEIR house, and your family can visit him there if they choose to do so.  Your only priority should be to protect your kids, because they're counting on YOU for that.  The other members of their family obviously aren't thinking clearly.

[jilly]

I am so sorry that your children have been through and are going through such a terrible thing.

I love my in-laws dearly but if something like this happened to my DD I wouldn't give a rat's a$$ what they thought or wanted if they thought I should let my child be in close proximity to the person who committed such a horrible crime.

This is not about your SS...this is about YOUR children and you need to do whatever necessary to protect them from SS.  If the other family memebers can't understand that then to hell with em.

[lucky]

PROTECT YOUR KIDS.  PERIOD!!

I've lived the way you're being asked to live -- your children NEED to be protected and trust me, you CANNOT constantly supervise them when SS is there.  Been there done that.

Keep him away until at MINIMUM he has SUCCESSFULLY completed a portion of a state approved sex offender treatment program (and the therapist in charge of the program feels it's a good time for contact).  Research the programs, some don't do much, others are excellent.  My dd has been involved in three -- one was excellent, one was so-so and the third is ??

Then, only allow visits where you are able to fully 100% monitor ALL contact.  Don't make a jail for yourselves and don't allow overnights till the therapist in charge feels it's safe.

I feel so sorry for you having to make this decision, but get the restraining order.  For your kids' sakes.  If dh doesn't understand, you can always do what my ex's wife did -- give him a choice, her and their kids or his other daughter.  He chose her and their three kids and sees dd every once in a while -- he's said that it was the most difficult decision he's ever made, but felt it was the right one for his other kids.  Sometimes you have to look at what is best for the majority rather than the one -- you would never expect that to happen with a family, but in this situation you have to.

If the in-laws want to see SS, let THEM take him in and dh can go see him there.  Your kids' safety and recovery from this trauma is worth a full-blown war.

This is just my opinion, but it's also based on experience.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[Troubledmom]

4Honor, I am sure you already are aware of this, but perhaps your husband, and in-laws are not...

By allowing the perpetrator of sexual abuse to be in the same residence as the children, you and your husband could be subjected to Child Protective Services removing the children from your home for Child Abuse and Neglect and further more leave yourselves open to CRIMINAL prosecution for not protecting the children from a known perpetrator.

I think the RV idea, if you are able to afford it is a wise choice. It allows your DH to continue his relationship with his child and protects the other children. I know, as a parent, even if one of my children did as what has happened in your family, I could never turn my back on the child BUT I would ensure that the child paid the consequences to the action and do everything in my power to protect the siblings.

Get the TRO. Do what you need to do to ensure your children are protected and safe. If your husband and his parents do not understand the need you have to protect your children from further harm, make sure that RO also protects the children from them as well.

There will never be a happy ending to your story, but my sincerest hope and wish that your family is able to come to terms with what has happened and begin the healing process.

TM

[leftoverinmn]

>leave yourselves open to CRIMINAL prosecution for not
>protecting the children from a known perpetrator.
>


TM read my mind. I was thinking that same thing. If he committs another act of sexual violence, you could be held responsible. It would make a bad situation into something even more terrible for the boys.

My mother allowed a convicted sex offender (SF) back into her home after his jail time was served.  I was 8yo. I've never forgiven her, and I never will.

Don't compromise safety. Who cares what MIL and FIL think? Do the right thing for your babies, stand your ground. You are doing the right thing. Stay strong, you are on the right track. I wish we were close enough, I would offer my home to you and your DSs'. Stay in a hotel if you have too. Take a mini-vacation, visit a hotel with a waterpark, go skiing, visit family when SS comes around.  It will mean alot to the DSs' if you support them, it will help in the healing.

The motorhome is a great idea if you can swing it. You are thinking logically, and in the best interests of the DSs'.  Stay strong, as you are.

[4honor]

MIL/FIL paid for the last modification of the PP... to the tune of $9K - a loan - verbal contract.

DS1 and DS2 have ASKED to see SS. We cleared with the DA on the condition that SS not spend the night and is 100% supervised for visits. If DS1 or DS2 were to decide they did not want to see SS, then we would not allow contact. DS2 is coming close to wanting to be away from SS. SS is becoming more intimidating with each visit, though I am the only one who has caught it for sure. DH is not sure of what he saw/heard.

MIL & FIL have been allowing SS to stay at their home overnight, but MIL is ill with Maniere's (extreme dizziness), and FIL has had a heart attack recently, so EOW is too much.

SS is believed to be a victim too, though he continues to deny being either vic or perp. His mom cancelled interview with Police detective because SS was going to a counselor, but SS denies going to a counselor. BM lied to somebody (so what's new?)

We were considering the RV cause we were going to do at least a tent trailer this yr anyway. The RV could be driven to SS (3 hrs 1 way) or left in the driveway as a secondary residence depending on what the little kids wanted.

As for taking the kids and leaving, I suppose it could be done on occassion, but why should I  and DS1&2 get chased from our  home when WE did nothing wrong? WE didn't lie down with a PBFH (DH) and we didn't victimize two small boys (SS).

My family is 7 hours south at the closest. I have no easy answers on my side of the family.

I told DH I was considering a TRO. He understands and doesn't like the possibilities this will create, but if that is the way it has to go, then that is how it has to go. He is looking into a hotel room or the RV. $2600 year for hotel (not including tax) and probably $3600 a year for an RV not including tax, but we would have something that we could use on "off" weekends.

URRGGGHHHH ! (throwing small fit)

[wendl]

4 you can use the RV on taxes as a secondary home lol.

Sorry you know I am worried about you, I needed to joke a little.

Hope things settle down soon, you all have been thru so much.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Genie]

and that means anyway necessary.  What SS did to them is horrible and will scar them for life.  Are they in counseling at all for this?  

Even if SS is a victim in this too and was molested by someone else, the fact still remains that he needs help himself and should never be allowed children until he does.  You can't take the chance of it happening again and like you stated, why should you live in a jail of a home so he can come over and reak havoc anyways.

I agree with you.  I wouldn't allow him around your children for any reason.  Occasional supervised visits are fine but not the whole weekend.

Has he shown any remorse or anything for his actions?