Does it just seem petty?

[dipper]

Hi all, we have had a very vexing weekend.  Since court in january, dh's ex had actually seemed like she was trying to behave better.  But, of course, we had just been waiting to see what she is up to.   Their new court order still hasnt been filed.  Still in the lawyer's hands.

The judge had stated yss should be here around 6 on Fridays, and picked up at 7 on Sundays by bm or returned at 7 on Sundays by dh.....which didnt make sense.  She picks up at 7 - has two hour drive, dh has to have him there at 7.  But anyway, that is what was stated.  Now, she wants a later time on Friday and wants to pick him up no later than 5:30 on Sundays.  According to her, the 7 is only for dh - not her.  And as for Fridays - claims her schedule doesnt permit her to be here at that time.  How ironic that two weekends out of the month, she cannot get off on a Friday to be here at 6, but can get off on the Sunday to be here by 5:30.  

The thing about Fridays - she has to be off at 4 to meet yss' bus.  So, she can be here at 6.  Also, this past Friday, she was in town by 6 - met friends and went out to eat.  She sat with yss, about 8 miles from our home, and didnt bring him until 8:30!!  And no, she did not tell dh she planned this.  

DH does not want to allow the extra hour she is requesting on Fridays because she pushes the times back consistently -and she can come earlier!  Also, he wants to stick to 7 on Sundays because there is no reason yss cant stay here a little later.  She works many nights during the week and has yss out past 9:30.  She is trying to push back on Friday night and close in on Sunday night - thus, reducing dh's time.  She has already reduced him from 15 days a month to six by her move........

So, if this thing keeps rolling as is and heads back into court - will dh seem petty for demanding this 2 1/2 hours he is holding onto?   He is simply asking for a full 48 hours.........

[TwoBoys]

Well, we have the same issues, if it makes you feel any better!

I dont think the judge will think its petty for DH.  HOWEVER, he may require that he make the drive for exchanges.  It really just depends.  A good way to find out is to look at the standard shared parenting agreement for your area, and see what it says.  Our countys SPA states that the NCP is responsible for all transportation associated with visitation with the exception of the summer and christmas visit.  So... we dont fight too much on it, since we have an agmt right now that states they meet halfway.

I would let her know that youll either meet her half way on those days, or she can be there at 7, end of story.

She shows up early, just apologize and say youre sorry, but youll see her at 7.  If it happens more than once, start meeting her somewhere other than your home, or start being out getting a snack until 7.

Good luck :)

BTW, my Fiance's sons mother has been insisting we return him sunday at 5 pm instead of monday at 9 am
whats that? about 15 hours difference?! we have a 3 hour drive to the exchange point though.


TwoBoys...

[MixedBag]

As an NCP, every minute counts particularly when you've just been "reduced" by the court.

But if there is no order in place right now, you can't do much.

To me that's probably your first priority is to get that order in place.  Then I'd start documenting when she does bring him and what time.  After a few months of the games, take her back to court.

As for trying to figure out the EX's logic or way of thinking or games, forget it.  Don't waste your breath and precious time.  EXs will hold double standards -- what's good for them is NOT good for the NCP.  Just do the best you can to work with it.

At least at his age 13, you have 5 years to go -- but those are 5 very important years to stay a part of his life to hopefully balance out all the negatives she's feeding him.

[joni]

nope, don't deviate from the court order.  if you want to go back to the court order, the judge will punish you for not following it in the first place and then you'll seem petty.

I like the meeting 1/2 on both parts.  That way mom only has to leave at 5 to get him to you by 6.  On Sundays, you'd have to leave by 6 to meet her at 7.  THE COURT ORDER MUST BE SPECIFIC as to how you exchange.  You're leaving too much room for error.

Phone your attorney and have the court order address this before you turn it in for signature.  

[VAStepmom]

As non-custodial parents, you have to fight for every minute you can get.  2 1/2 hours a weeks translates into 120 extra hours a year.  That's 5 whole days!  You can't let her take that from you, especially not without a court order.

As for her being late, in our case, BM is habitually late to drop my SD off.  So to show her that's not cool, we started taking back our time.  For example, last weekend, she was 1 hour late Friday night.  My DH got his daughter and left.  Saturday afternoon he called BM and told her he'd be at the gas station at 7pm on Sunday instead of 6pm.  Why?  Because he was taking back the hour she took from him on Friday.  BM ranted and raved, it was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard, etc., etc.!  DH dropped SD off that Sunday at 7pm, and explained to BM that however late she is next time, will set the precedence for how late SD will be returned.  I have a feeling she'll try to be more punctual next time.  

I say stick to your current order.  If you should have SS at 6 Friday, and she doesn't produce him until 8:30, then when Sunday rolls around, explain he will not be returned until 9:30 instead of 7.  That if she wants him back on time, she will start being on time herself.  Give and take.

Good luck.  

[gipsy]

it is very petty . I think every one of us has to put up with this , I think at one time In My case , there were arguments about minutes , The bottom line is, this is a power struggle , So I would ask for more time in the summer , Because she moved away , You can ask for any thing . I have found that the court sort of divides your requests , And yes I had to tell My atty . "you represent me and ' " YOU WILL" ask for more time than you are saying " And Guess what ?, I got a "little" more time , Not alot , But it was a little more , If your atty recommends something , Then Tell Him A few more weeks in the summer , And  When there is a month with five weekends , You get three ! , Yep Just chop it up slice and dice and argue back,  But remmember . I TOLD !! MY ATTY!!! to ask for more even though he told me I wouldn't get it , And I got A little , And  Are you getting One half of winter and spring break ! Ask for it every year , If your work schedule permits

[dipper]

Thanks for all the replies.  We are at our wits end.   DH's lawyer called Tuesday to discuss the order.  I called back as dh doesnt get home until the office is closed.  Her assistant tells me that she will mention to the lawyer taking dh's # home and calling him later.  We have not heard one word....this woman is such a waste of money.  Went to court on January 25 and still no order because dh's lawyer is a nut.  And we still owe this woman money!  If she werent a lawyer, we would refuse to pay.  I wish I had ran her by my brother first as he works in that area and has to deal with her - he didnt know who we had until the night before court...he said she is a screw-up big time!

As for yss.....Monday night his mom took him out and they stayed out until after midnight as she partied....  He was kicked out of school yesterday.  He was in so much trouble the month of February and the disciplinary officer decided to do homebound until the IEP team makes a decision - and from what the principal says, it looks as if yss will be kicked out completely and have to go to the alternative school.  BM took yss side about him not needing counseling - so she only has herself to blame...especially since he has special needs and she keeps him out so much with no true rest or help with his school work.

According to the court order that is supposed to be in place, bm brings and picks up yss two weekends a month and dh does the travelling one weekend a month.  

[backwardsbike]

Holey heck

Here you are worried about two hours and you SS may be kicked out of school.  I'd start looking for a newe attorney and be ready to file a custody mod in May when school lets out based on substantial change in circumstances.  And possible neglect about the counseling.  Try to get the shool to back you up on that.  Do they have school-based mental health?  You could get them to do an eval for free to determine whether or not he needs the counseling.  Sounds like a slam dunk to me.

[backwardsbike]

I'd still push for the time she's trying to take from you.  It sounds like that lady needs to stop using all her mental energy trying to screw your DH over and get her child in order or pretty soon she's gonna be an NCM.

[dipper]

We simply cannot afford another lawyer.  We still owe the bad one about $2000.  And we are beside ourselves as to what to do - dh still doesnt have a new court order.

This week, dh picked up yss - and picked him up early.  The judge had said that if yss wasnt in school and wanted to come, he should be allowed to.  He is staying until tomorrow evening.  Of course, she demanded he be returned at a time she knows dh cant meet, but he isnt paying attention as she is working and yss is just to be delivered to the place so that he can sit there until she gets off of work.  So, what is the hurry?

DH got a letter from the disciplinary officer - yss is out of school until they make the final decision.  She said homebound for now, but we are confused.  She states that the IEP team is to make the decision as to where he goes - or if this is the best school for him.  But, then it goes on to say that the superintendent also has to review and may kick him out altogether, uphold her decision for homebound and allowing IEP team to decide, or may decide to allow him another chance in this school.....

BM told the disc. officer that she has him an appt. to reconsider medication for ADHD - but that she is not reconsidering counseling.  However, she doesnt have him a dr. appt. either -she just said that to say she is doing something........

BM also lost her job last week.....dont know what the real facts behind this are.  She told yss that the store wasnt turning a profit and that they couldnt keep employees - however, there is another store of that type a few miles away and it is hiring - saw so myself yesterday - and she evidently wasnt offered a position there.  She is doing her part time and another job - which she hasnt told yss what that is.  Told him not to tell dh any of this.......and she has not told oss that she doesnt have her big important job anymore.

Also, the young man that we had been concerned with yss hanging with, spending the night there even......she fired him a couple of weeks ago for dealing drugs on the job........yss had told his brother in January that the guy was on drugs!  She knew.......

YSS is 13 - and when dh has mentioned him moving back here to complete school, he doesnt really say anything.  So, I think he likes the way it is - all the goodies such as the new computer game he got last week after being kicked out of school......staying home during the day, and out with her in the evenings instead of having to do homework.....

Any suggestions on how to handle this from here?  Without a lawyer?  She has a mean lawyer .... I dont know if its her lies or the lawyers lies that he presents in court......