help! I am in trouble!

[broken_dad]

I am new to doing this and don't know what to do. I am in a VERY strange position and I am very scared for my self as well as my kids. I am recently separated from my wife due to the fact that she was caught multiple times having affairs. Now she is so angry with me for leaving her (I made all the money) that she is lashing out with threats and accusations. Am I naive to believe that empty threats will get her nowhere? She claims that there were no affairs and that I just left her penny-less for no apparent reason. She also throws around accusations and threats like it is a form of entertainment for her. I have friends telling me I better start protecting myself legally for a very long and uphill battle. Problem is I have no idea how to do that or what that even means. I know this woman is VERY angry with me and capable of a lot of things. I don't know what to do and will gladly welcome any advice any of you are willing to share.

[Stepmom0418]

You my friend need to protect yourself and your children and you need to do this NOW. These empty threats CAN and in alot of cases WILL get her somewhere. Get an attorney and start the process. Read as much information on Sparc as you can!! Dont forget that many here are either going through or have already gone through what you and your children are about to endoure!! These false accusations CAN cost you your relationship with your children!! This will be an uphill battle.

PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN GET AN ATTORNEY FAST!!

Many others here have gone through the false accusations and I am sure that they will be wiling to help you but the would probally need a bit more specifics about your situation

[Hawkeye]

Welcome to the club and fasten your seatbelt, you're in for a VERY bumpy ride.

#1 Stay civil, don't argue with her, she's already sounding irrational. You can't  level with someone that's not on the level. She's liable to try anything and if it really sounds serious, treat it as such. She could just be spewing like a volcano though, just don't add fuel to the fire.

#2 Keep your kids FIRST. They're gonna need a sturdy yet resiliant Dad.  If you're headed toward a custody disagreement, document everything you can. Throw nothing away, be organized. Get Optimal to track your parenting time.  Educate yourself via SPARC. This place is like a home away from home for many of us.

#3 Give us some more specifics, such as what state, ages of kids, etc.
Start shopping for a 100% family law attorney... and some damn good luck!

[broken_dad]

We are in California and the girls are both under 5. She wont let them talk to me on the phone and even though I hear them asking to talk to daddy. She tells me they want nothing to do with me. When we split up it was a very bitter time but I thought we agreed to act civil regarding the kids. One day when they went for "Mommy Time" she refused to bring them back. There has been no court yet and I only filed for divorce 2 days ago. Until then we were only seperated. We just scheduled our visits and such between ourselves and I thought we were above all the dramma. Guess I was wrong.

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

Sorry for what you're going through.

Everything you're describing points to a long, drawn-out divorce and custody fight.  The mother is already showing that she's willing to act against the kids' interest, which means she'll likely stoop to nothing in her tactics.

It's imperative that you educate yourself ASAP on what is relevant with regards to the child custody matters.  Early mistakes can cost you years of uphill battles.

There is a book called "Win Your Child Custody War" by Hardwick.  It's among the best out there and is exhaustive on every step of the way.  If you go to my website (linked below), I've got a convenient link to it on Amazon.  Or just go to Amazon, search for "child custody" books and buy a couple of the best selling ones.

Don't worry about the financials-- they'll work themselves out over time.  Just make sure to start removing yourself from joint accounts, or remove funds from said accounts and put them in an account that you control.  Protect your joint assets as much as possible-- not for the purpose of hiding, but for the purpose of protecting against her liquidating prior to a ruling on how the finances will be split.

In the meantime, if you can get some sort of evidence of what your wife is saying of the children, that would be very valuable to your attorney at this stage.

Try to bait her in email or mail to repeat what she said of the girls not wanting to see you.

For example, send her a simple email in a civil tone, asking her to agree to a time that you can spend with the girls (give her a couple options).  If you're lucky, she won't be able to contain her venom.

Such evidence could be enough to get immediate orders on a parenting schedule.

Don't take these warnings lightly that you're heading into a tornado with no protection right now.

You'll got people who have been through this before telling you that you have major warning signs and red flags that you need an educated, proactive approach to ensure you have the best shot at an outcome that you feel is best for the kids.

This is a good discussion board on which to post, every step of the way.

[gipsy]

Here's what My expierience is > My story is different but Her reactions and allegations are the same , It is venom , But My expierience is very different , The very best advice I can give you is , Interview many atty's . They are not all the same > I fired two , And wound up with one very good one that is too the point , And Mostly represents men , They are out there, find one , The type of atty that talks up a story Is not the one you want . You want one that is very civil and just tells you the process , Mine does , And He told me the basic process for visitation issue's , In Washington state [pierce county ] , And this is . You have  a Guardian Ad Litem On Behalf of minor child <  appointed , and this person comes too your house and her house and talks to witnesses , And they seem to take  , Your best friends testimony , about what a terrible person she is < And vise versa . GAL's take this with a grain of salt , , SOOO . My case went like this , The GAL reported to the judge that There was no proof or witness to substantiate Her  allegations , And I started getting visit's  With My son . Here's the catch . What  My atty did was schedule a  EMERGENCY HEARING SHORTENING TIME  , And he proposed a Parenting plan ,  I lost because the GAL report was not in front of the Commissioner , But when the GAL report was Filed then I got visits . COURT ORDERED !  So relax find an atty that tells you if they use a GAL where you are , And You will wait for court dates , Blah Blah Blah ! Yes this can Be a Very difficult situation , DO NOT let her threats scare you !!! . The court see's this ALL THE TIME < What makes it difficult is sometimes allegations are true < SOOO What seemed like a loss to me on the proposed parenting plan, was really the commissioner thinking < SHe must cover her butt!! , Think this through, IF the commisioner gives me time with My son and the local news is down at court the next day  Doing a story on the commissioner that let the kids go over to the axe murderer's house , That is really bad for that commissioner , SOo the court , Judges ,commissioner's < WILL not do any thing untill there Butt is covered and there is a Guardian ad Litem report In front of them and they can say . " the GAL has Investigated and there is No records to show these allegations are true ! Then You get Visitation , In Wash state , It takes a year to get to court for a divorce . So this is all before a commissioner , And ALL temporary orders . So go propose a Good parenting plan , Its too bad you didn't take the kids , In Wash state , As long as there is No court order It's whoever winds up qwith the kids , And Mom has them , And thats what alway's happens , So Mom Usually keeps them because the court see's this as the way the chips fell why should they change it now ? You really are not In trouble , If you play your cards right and be good < Don't do any thing to her don 't get out of control !! And don't say anything bad about mom to the kids , Don't talk to her friends about it , If you feel the inclination to do something ask an atty first < I made mistakes , The best thing you can do is go through the system as a gentlman and make them like you , As I said I made mistakes , But I am a Likeable guy and most people liked me , And Mom kept up the crap And it came out , The problem was My reaction to this , When you react and do something to her, the court can't tell who threw the first stone , And they see a lack of cooperation , (I ) learned this the hard way , But let me reassure you , This is daily work for the court and all the atty's , You could spend thousands , Or , Get an atty that will file to appoint the GAL at the same time when you file the Temporary  Parenting Plan , That way if she goes to court for the parenting plan  And makes the allegations , then the Commissioner will have to see a GAL report , So you will kill both birds with one stone < And She sounds like she will make the allegations up , And Then the next thing from you or your atty's mouth will be Ok My second motion is to Appoint A Guardian Ad Litem to see of there is any truth to the "allegations " And remember , The court has to go through this routine game , And you Have to play along , You may get supervised visits at first < This is humiliating ,But play this to your advantage and show up as a good Dad all prepared with snacks and toys , And handiwipes , " Thats what I did " And I got a good report , And Mom's being difficult started to show , I repeat ! Don't do any thing but be a good dad , And let mom be a jerk , It should come out in the GAL report , It did in Mine , And have your place of abode ready , If you have to go to good will and get Beds and a couple used dresser's for the girls , And a change of cloths do it My Attyy said to me " You will have a bed and toy's ready ", My GAL saw that  MY HOUSE WAS ALL READY AND REPORTED THAT TO THE COURT  , This is what they look at , And they don't put on a white glove , I happened to have some  decent literature around . Like Mark Twain, Etc , And not porn, So the GAl just looked around , And we talked about our trips to Mexico , DONT Spend your time trying to get digs in about Mom , I caught right away this is a big turnoff , the GAL hears this ALL THE time , Let mom do all the complaining , The GAL will get sick of her ,
   Ok SO I basically outline what you are going to have to do , It seems huge , But here it is the courts process , And  Unless mom has a big change soon you will have to do it , And The court  lets the mothers get away with this, there will be no Punishment for her , Get use to this Idea , This is the biggest deal in the world to you , But the court and all the jesters see this as routine , I did all kinds of reading etc when I went through this, And let me tell you what I have seen waitng for My case ,
    The mother made allegations < So Dad denied it ( Make sure you deny it) And the commissioner said " Is there any report that substantiates the allegations "? So Mom say's Yes , It boiled down to mom trying to give the commisioner a report she made to Child Protective service , And the report did not say there was any thing substantiated , SOO The commisioner basically said , Dad keeps the parenting plan . There is no proof . See ya later ! . Sometimes this takes way later , But don't get on a big future trip about all this , Just go through the process . Make damn sure you talk to a lot of aTTY'S  first don't just go hire one , Hire one that trwats you like a human , And just tells you Whatthe legal process is . You may have to ask , But My case was like this
   Mom Made allegations < GAL report did not substantiate the allegations < I got supervised visits , ,
  Then a better  Temporary  parenting plan ,  But it all seems like a Big dog and pony show and Guess what ? It Is !!! , But you have to play along and be good , And Be good , And did I say Be a good Dad ! And hopefully mom spews enough Venom to make the system not like her , All the while you Be a good guy , Be a good guy , There is not a lot to this , Its very painfull though , I am done , I come back to give some of you some relief , And share My expirience , And Remmember don't do any thing to her or her friends , If you get pissed , She will say "SEE There's the big monster "And whip up a story , Be cool !! this is not permanent , Just get a temp parenting plan , And go on the times to get ther kids and if she interferes File contempt , Enough contempts in the state Of washington is a reason for change of custody ! let her screw up . My atty even set the trial date One more year ahead , Just to give Mom some more time to screw up ! , She didn't , And I don't have custody , But I kept  taking her to court for My visits and Now she has never missed one visit . THIS WILL PASS !!!

[MYSONSDAD]

Was allowing her to remove the child. I should have made sure our son did not leave the house. Read these articles and you will see what I am talking about. If there is nothing signed by the Judge, you have as many rights as she has.

Good luck!

1. TGB's Newsletter - Tips For Getting Started
TGB's Newsletter ''Tips For Getting Started'' TGB's Newsletter ''Tips For Getting Started'' Articles related to this topic: Steps To Protect Yourself During Divorce Success Factors In Obtaining...
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm - size 8kb - 25 Oct 2003
2. Tips On Keeping Documentation
Here are some tips that a user of the SPARC site was kind enough to share with us. These are some great ideas and advice, the kind that only come through experience.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips1.htm - size 13kb - 20 Oct 2003
3. SPARC Articles Archive
The SPARC Articles Archive contains hundreds of useful articles on custody and divorce, practical tips, commentary, emergency information, and many other topics.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/articles.htm - size 37kb - 03 May 2004

"Children learn what they live"

[Hawkeye]

Thanks for staying in touch, hang in there....

I'm routinely blocked via caller ID, contrary to a court order that specifies otherwise. Phone cards are pretty cool, and us Dad's have interesting ways to keep track of our kiddos! And just for the record, I'd share if she would.

Duh! Some folks are just too dang possesive...

dramma... I just have to inject some humor into this... or should it be drammamine? LOL... Another divorce, California style... Yikes!

N or S? I've been to both, but I still call Iowa home, sweet home.

Well, we're with ya, broken_dad, but don't consider yourself broken just yet, maybe just in need of some tweeking.  I know I'm broke, but not broken...

And now, back to my own regularly scheduled roller~coaster...  

[broken_dad]

yes, I am regretting letting her leave with the kids but I THOUGHT we were going to be mature enough to work through this without all the BS. Guess I was wrong and just so you all have an update I have STILL yet to receive one visit!!!! My whole mood is getting negative and I am quickly beginning to hate her. How can anyone use kids as weapons to hurt another person???? I am so frustrated but my frustration motivates me to fight even harder so this will all backfire on her sooner or later I am sure.