dealing with ex-wife and visitation schedule

[countrygirl]

My husband is having difficulties dealing with his ex-wife's irresponsible handling of scheduling activities for their girls.  His daughters are 8 and 12.  Mom never communicates any plans directly, but uses the 12 yr old to tell her father what's going on.  Whatever she plans, he just goes along with, birthdays, holidays, etc.  Any extra carricular activities, she signs them up, he pays for classes, does his share of chauffering.  Her most recent scheme has been to enroll both girls in the same gymnastics class on his court-appointed visitation night.  So, he has to spend this time, observing them in class, rather than interacting with them, which is what the purpose of his once-a-week visit is.  Shouldn't he have some say in how he spends his court-appointed weekly visit with his daughters?

[Brent]

>My husband is having difficulties dealing with his ex-wife's
>irresponsible handling of scheduling activities for their
>girls.  His daughters are 8 and 12.  Mom never communicates
>any plans directly, but uses the 12 yr old to tell her father
>what's going on.

One of the first things you'll hear around here is "Document, document, document!". Having good records of this kind of non-cooperation is extremely important if you want to change this behavior. Get yourself either the Parenting Time Tracker (PTT) at: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tracker.htm or the OPTIMAL Custody Tracking service at: http://www.parentingtime.net. The PTT is free, but the OPTIMAL service is better.


>Whatever she plans, he just goes along with,
>birthdays, holidays, etc.  Any extra carricular activities,
>she signs them up, he pays for classes, does his share of
>chauffering.  Her most recent scheme has been to enroll both
>girls in the same gymnastics class on his court-appointed
>visitation night.  So, he has to spend this time, observing
>them in class, rather than interacting with them, which is
>what the purpose of his once-a-week visit is.

This is classic "parental interference", a textbook example of how one parent can singlehandedly frrustrate the spirit of the custody arrangement. If he wants to change this or hold her in contempt, he needs to document this regular, patterned interference. Chances are she is also bad-mouthing himn to the children, and planting all sorts of crap in their heads.



>Shouldn't he
>have some say in how he spends his court-appointed weekly
>visit with his daughters?

Yes, he absolutely should, and she shouldn't be allowed to schedule activities on his time. No way.

If she is at all cooperative, the Optimal service above may be worth a look. It's got a web calendar that both parents can see, and you can mark off his time on it in advance. It keeps records, and maybe if she knew she was being "watched" she'd be less likely to pull this stuff. A friend of mine is using it and it's actually working pretty well for him. Sometimes he and his ex even communicate through it (which if you knew them is a big step all in itself, lol).

If he doesn't start raising objections to the interference with his parenting time, eventually he won't be able to becuase he will have shown a pattern of accepting it. The judge will ignore his complaint and  ask why he didn't object to this kind of thing months or years ago.

[Indigo Mom]

-----So, he has to spend this
time, observing them in class, rather than interacting with
them, which is what the purpose of his once-a-week visit is. -----

If it's so "awful" watching his children having fun doing gymnastics, how about he change the day?

[nosonew]

I agree with IM, if the once per week visit interferes with his time, and he would rather the child not be in gymnastics, or whatever, check with the teacher and see IF IT IS OFFERRED at that age on another night.  If so, have him change the night and inform the bm.  My dh would have been THRILLED if bm had scheduled any activities for ss on any night, even his.  So, I guess I see this from a different light.  

From reading your post, I feel like it is more of a control issue.  You want to control what child does during your time, not the bm.  I agree to a point.  However, if dh has gone along with this for a long period of time, then you come in the picture and change everything, who is going to get blamed here?  You should really be careful on what battles you pick.  Being a chauffer is not bad, most parents here would LOVE to chauffer their child ANYWHERE.  

I suggest you sit back, take a deep breath, and decide, WITH YOUR DH, what DH and child's best interests are.  I am sm, and if MY dh does something I disagree with, I may hate it, but the child is not mine.   I know I don't know the whole story here, so this is JMO based on current facts as I know them..   Good luck!

[nerd]

We had the same problem with my grandchildren.  The ex enrolled them in karate classes that met on Saturday.  the NCP would have to drive 1 and 1/2 hours just to get them to their class drive 1 and 1/2 hours back home.  Plus the cp also joined the adult class which was taught at the same time and had his current wife there most days.  The mother was always treated like someone with two heads and made to feel she was the one "interferring" in the day.  this just shot any hope of making plans for the weekend visit.  The cp even encouraged the older boy who is 11, to make a date with his "girlfriend" for one saturday night visit that would have meant a 3 hour road trip and mom trying to find a coffee shop to "hang out" in until the movie was over.  plus the cp knew mom had a birthday party planned for the youngest child!  The mom had to be the bad guy and tell kid to call girlfriend and cancel.  We finally convince the child that if he wants to make plans like that he will need to do it on the CP's weekend and only on the cp's weekend, since NCP lives out of town.  

We finally told the EX no more!  and explained to the children that two weekends out of the month were set aside for the other parent.  It is not only the needs of the children involved here, the other parent has needs too!! and there is nothing wrong in setting the standard that " The CP does not set plans or enrolls in any activity that will interfer with the NCP's visit.  There is so little time anyway, so don't let it happen.  

The EX finally admitted that there was a friday afternoon class that the kids could have gone to all along that started after school and ended before the pick-up time!  The CP will always find a way to work around the NCP visit if you insist that from "such and such a time on this certain day until such and such a time on this certain is your time."  

I am sorry all,  kids need the other parent more than they need gymastics class or karate class or anything else in this old world.  We all know that kids don't get enough quality time with parents anyway, and no activity is worth giving that up!!!