Boys Will Be Boys by Linda Haley

[Brent]

Boys Will Be Boys

December 24, 2003
by Linda Haley

Boys Will Be Boys. Always this conjured up images of muddy shoes, torn knees on jeans, and bringing home pollywogs. Later it meant perhaps panty raids, sneaking out of the dorm to TP the dean, or playing cards instead of studying for a test. In other words, basically harmless scrapes that the male sex tended to get into before the weight of the world was transferred to their shoulders.

It still meant this to me, so it didn't make sense when I started hearing the phrase in modern times. It was something you'd expect to hear from Donna Reed or maybe even Shirley Partridge. Only you'd know even then that Shirley was being kind of retro. I started hearing it again, and I was set to be amused by it, but something wasn't right. Something had changed drastically.

For the first time I was hearing people sarcastically saying "Oh, boys will be boys, right?" when referring to things like sodomizing other boys with pinecones in football camp. I was hearing it used when a woman was raped. I was hearing it used when a young man committed murder, or shot up the school. My initial horrified thought was, "But who said that? Who on earth used that phrase to excuse a horrific crime? Was it the boy's parents? The defense lawyers? The press?" The answers weren't immediately coming. I had to kind of figure this one out on my own.

In the meantime I continued reading, and I was fortunate enough to discover The War Against Boys by Christina Hoff Sommers. It certainly validated my homeschooling stance, and even gave me helpful advice about not trying to delve into my son's personal psyche all the time. If he's reticent and a bit stoic, leave him the hell alone, like he wants. Stop prying at him. Thanks, Ms. Sommers! Fortunately I already knew about the physical activity, the drugging, and academic failure. In researching a series of articles I was writing based on the book, I discovered the NOW website. For the first time I began hearing the phrase in earnest.

I came to realize after many months that in fact no one had been pulling this old folk saying out when tragic crimes were committed. No one was actually trying to excuse these crimes, least of all using a phrase that would be so very dumb in that context. It was more like a bit of apocryphal knowledge you were supposed to possess, like a secret handshake among androphobes. Whenever anyone publically tried to figure out possible contributing causes as to why crimes like this were occurring - such as the systematic crushing of boys' spirits by the educational establishment - someone would say bitterly, "Sure, boys will be boys, right?" and go off on a tirade about rape and murder. Whoah. That's a lot different than skinned knees.

It has only recently become clear how insidious this plot is. At first I just assumed they were mistaken about people's motives in trying to pinpoint some of the contributing factors to criminal activity. I thought they genuinely believed that people were trying to excuse these crimes by invoking some new version of "boys will be boys," updated for the new century. Now I don't think it was so accidental.

At the risk of seeming off-topic, let me explain a bit. I once read a poem that was meant to show "male privilege" to those who "don't know they have it." This poem was extremely well-written, if melodramatic. I don't mean I liked it, because in fact it made me physically ill. What I mean is that it accomplished its goal in spades. By interspersing harmless nothings (which, I might add, could apply to either sex equally) such as "taking up too much room on the couch" and "hogging the remote control" with things like "writing [women's] name in blood" and "raping a woman to death," it embroidered an ugly picture. Mixing the banal with the obscene like that is a good way to stir up hatred, albeit not a good way to be honest. This resurrection of the "boys will be boys" phrase is meant to do precisely the same thing. It is meant to taint the wholesome images with the stain of the evil ones, and thereby make the harmless the same as the harmful. It is meant to conflate the innocent and the felonious, all the while implying, falsely, that it is the other side who is actually doing so. That is really sneaky. It's positively diabolical.

I don't have easy solutions to a problem which is a cultural stigma dishonestly propagating bigotry. You can't pass laws against attitudes. Well, you can try, but it would be a mistake, just like any other anti-thought-crime legislation. I can only do my part the best way I know how.

I don't allow this kind of hatred in my home, and when I see it I call it every time. When I catch my son doing something like holding open a door for an elderly person, or going out of his way for someone, I may say "Boys will be boys."*

Let people start using it appropriately again. When I see or hear people around me pathologizing normal boyish behavior I do my best to educate them on why there is nothing abnormal about what they are talking about, and when they mention truly naughty behavior I try to give them constructive ways to help their sons channel their natural rambunctiousness. I tell them about the strong need for physical activity. I try to raise awareness in any venue I can. I don't send my son to soul-destroying institutions or drug him, and I discourage others from doing so. I'm sure you can think of a thousand ways to combat this attitude in your daily life. While doing so try to ensure your son doesn't internalize this societal contempt of his very being.

I don't think there will be any easy way to do away with this particular problem. It wasn't easy for the lie to take root, and it won't be easy rooting out the lie. It has to be done, though. Exposing it is the first step. For now, raising a son has proven a tremendous education in itself. I have come to love boyhood and all its foibles and differences from girlhood. I love the way healthy, encouraged boys aren't always trapped in a quagmire of conflicting emotions the way I was as a girl. I enjoy their unique mix of openness and stoicism. I love their daring. I love the way they will attempt something they've never done before without wondering first if they "can." I love their wish to protect the people they care about. In short, for now I would like to heartily and publically say, "Boys will be boys...thank goodness!"

*Disclaimer: I also love girls and could sing their praises as well. No one, however, is going around sniping "Girls will be girls," to show how evil they are.

Linda Haley