New member - FRUSTRATED stepmom

[shelly]

Hi all.  I've never posted before, and hardly know where to begin.  I am a custodial stepmom.  My 3 bio kids make our blended fam 6.  My DH gained custody in '96, when sd was 3.  Persistent denial of visitation, parental alienation, false allegations of sex abuse, the works.

I can so empathize with what I've been reading.  Absolutely heartbreaking, frightening, and infuriating!  What is so frustrating for me is that bm was awarded liberal visitation, because sd was "so closely bonded" to her.  Which would be fine if losing custody of her daughter had taught her anything!

But what I'm learing in my extensive research is that truly severe alienators NEVER learn!  The same behavior that cost her custody has been ongoing, and is now escalating as sd approaches 12.

While she hasn't learned how destructive her behavior is, she HAS learned how to use more subtle, less obvious, and harder to detect (by CPS, etc.) methods.  This woman can work the system like no one I've ever seen!  Her skill at manipulation is scary!

No more overt or open abuse allegs, but (per bm & sd) our home is always lacking in some way and I, the wicked stepmother incarnate, am mean, unfit, cruel and hateful.   While sd's basic love for dh is still there, the bm's (therefore sd's) increasing hatred for me has obviously affected their relationship.

Sd is now openly asking to go live with bm, and is miserable when home.  (Right now she is @ bm's for 1st 3 wks of vac, except for a few hours on father's day)  She spent all day Father's Day asking what time it was & reminding us that she had to be back @ mom's by 6.  

She comes home Sun & I am scared of what it will be like.  3 wks w/bm I'm sure has cemented her hatred for me & our home.  

We're out of money & representing ourselves & I feel helpless.  Has anyone ever heard of a bm being sanctioned by the courts for alienating/interfering with the relationship of a custodial stepmom?    

I'm afraid that even though sd lives with us, bm has actually won, because she has the part that counts in the long run - her heart.

Thanks for listening.  I look forward to hearing from you & sharing any help I can from our 10 of experience with the courts.

[msme]

Welcome. First of all take heart in knowing that you are not alone. My son got custody & his ex put the kids through hell trying to hurt him. Is the child in counseling? If not, get it started. Your counselor will be your best ally. Make sure the counselor shares your philosophy for dealing with a very difficult person. If not, look for a new one. Get the school counselor involved & also the teachers. I know it is summer but you can get things set up for fall.

When she arrives home, make sure she feels welcome & don't respond to anything negative. Be sure to let her know how much she was missed & how glad you all are that she is home.

Take lots of pictures & video's, as well as document everything that happens. It is pretty hard to tell the court how awful things are when the pictures tell a different story.

Try to do some family activities every week, even if it is as simple as a walk in the park in the evening ending up with an ice cream.

We found out that the PBFH had told the child that she wanted to get back with her daddy & the only thing preventing it was his fiance. She told the poor kid that it was her job & responsibility to break them up & get her out of his life. She lost that one & they are married & very happy. The child has finally seen the light & is disgusted with her mom.

A very important thing is to often reassure the child that you will always tell her the truth & never lie to her. Then don't. It is also important to tell her that some things are not her business & in those cases, you will not lie to her but you will also not discuss those things with her.

It is very important to be consistant & do not allow yourself to be drawn into her games. Love & truth will win out but it can be a long road to travel.  Keep comming back, you have lots of new friends here.

Good luck & God bless

[dontunderstand]

I can definately feel your pain as we are going through the same exact thing although SD is only 7.  A therapist will be your best ally, call around and find one that specializes in PAS.  They can not be fooled by what SD says and can see through the bs.  Pictures, video, and documenting will also go ALONG way! Document phone conversations, things SD says that are odd and visits.
It is definately hard, we have to "detox" SD at the beginning of every visit.  We are NCP and are allowed 1 four hour visit once a week and one phone call a week if you can believe it and every other weekend.  That is alot of time with BM and all her poison.  She tells SD that I am "going to tie her to a chair and cut her." and that DH and I are trying to take her from BM, so she is scared to death to come here for fear that we will not return her.  Don't give up she will see that BM is crazy, but you will have to get her into therapy before it is too late.  She will also  see (maybe several years from now) that you were the one there for her and allowed her to be the kid that she deserves to be and that you never tried to poison her...

[shelly]

Thanks so much for the reply.  I'm glad your son is happy now, and it's good to know that this selfish behavior these mothers exhibit doesn't always succeed.  

I wish I would have discovered you guys 8 or 9 years ago! But I guess everything happens for a reason, because I've never felt so in need of connecting with others who REALLY understand what I'm going through as I do now.

I've been in sd's life since she was 1, and raised her in my home since 3 days before her 3rd b-day.  I've loved her, sacrificed for her, cried for her, and fought for her alongside her father the entire time.  But no matter what I do, she shuts me out & treats me like I'm the enemy.  BM is engaged to hubby #4, and is $24K behind in CS, but in sd's eyes - who has no idea about the cs, by the way - bm is best mom in the world and can do NO wrong.   (One day I'll tell you about bm's ex #3 who is now one of dh's closest friends - they have a 4 yr old son, sd's 1/2 bro - and now with her son, bm is denying vis, alienating, alleging abuse...AGAIN!  How can the courts allow this???)

Sd is in counselling, but I'm really discouraged with that too.  She has been coached, literally from the time she could speak, to sing bm's praises, and instead of helping her deal with being part of a blended family, coping with divorce, dealing with her psycho mother - hello! - the therapist sends her home with "compromise" suggestions to present to us, for ways she can spend MORE time with her mom!  I just don't think the therapist realizes the seriousness of what has gone on.

I'm so lucky, though, to be married to such a wonderful man.  I have never seen anyone with such loving, gentle patience in the face of such lies & cruelty.  He has NEVER waivered in his commitment to put his daughter's best interest 1st, no matter what it cost him, how much it hurt, or how tempted he was to retaliate at bm.  He always seems to do the right thing, even when I'm standing behind him yelling, "Are you just going to take that!  Well then, let me talk to her!  You should..." - you get the picture.  His calm decisions and obvious integrity were invaluable in court.

Thank goodness he knows not to always listen to what I say!  But he always tells me what a wonderful mother I am, and to just keep doing what I've been doing - loving her.  He assures me that one day she'll realize how much I do love her.

Anyway, didn't mean to turn this into such a long message.  I really appreciate the great advice, and I take it to heart.  I already feel happier about her coming home, and feel a little more able to face another long road ahead.  I'm sure I'll be turning to my new friends for support on a regular basis!  

Thanks again!

[CustodyIQ]

Hi Shelly,

Sorry to hear what you're having to fight against.

You've already received some wonderful words of support and advice, and I can't do much better, so I won't try to outshine them in the comfort and hope area.

I have two book recommendations for you... you write well enough to suggest that you probably also read pretty well.

The first book that you MUST buy, and you and your husband MUST read together is called Divorce Poison, by Warshak.

Not only does it describe what your SD is being exposed to, but it also gives many proactive steps (rather than reactive) to try to battle the poison dribbling into this girl's head.

There's a further description of Divorce Poison on my website, and a link to buy it on Amazon.  Or go to your library or local bookstore.  YOUR SITUATION is the exact one for which this book was written.  Buy it or order it today... okay?

Second recommendation is to educate yourself about personality disorders.  It could very well be what you're facing with BM.  There's a book called "Understanding the Borderline Mother", which can help you have greater empathy for your SD (i.e., which would provide YOU greater inner peace) and fully understand the dynamics that could be at work here.

Go over to //www.BPDcentral.com and see if the description of a borderline personality disorder seems to fit the BM.

Finally, if you and your husband feel that SD's therapist has been snowballed by BM's influence, it's time to look for a new therapist.  If you're not dealing with a clinical psychologist who has been well-exposed and educated in the matters of personality disorder, a lesser-trained therapist can actually contribute to futher damage being done by assuming all parents are mentally healthy.

All of that said, if SD is not yet (or currently) going down a destructive path of manipulation, bad grades, surly attitude with everyone, laziness, conning, etc... it's going to be up to you and husband to manage all of this on your own (and perhaps with a therapist who has greater insight).  The court is a reactive beast-- it wants to see evidence of damage before it changes anything.

Good luck.