So mad I could spit!

[shelly]

Hi guys.  Thanks for the warm welcome I've received as a new member, and for the all the great advice.  Need some more, if anyone has anything to offer.

Quick summary of our situation:  DH has custody of soon to be 12 yr old SD.  My 13 yr old daughter also lives with us.  My 17 & 18 yr old sons recently moved in with their father with whom we have a terrific relationship.  

Long history of EXTREME PAS with BM of SD.  SD returned Sun. eve from 1st 3 weeks of summer vis.  Still has 2 more wks to go in July.  During the 1st 2 wks, DH briefly spoke to SD a couple of times, but contact was initiated by him, and was hit & miss.  The 3rd week, he didn't speak to her at all.  He left a couple of msgs, but always tries to keep it low key. We are very aware that BM controls this, and SD doesn't push to call DH because years of experience has taught her that this will "hurt" BM's feelings.  

When SD came home Sun nite, she began throwing up within 30 mins., and has the flu or a virus or whatever.  BM called @ around 9:30 Sun. nite after SD had fallen asleep, worried because she knew she wasn't feeling well.  I told her SD was asleep & gave her an update on how she was doing.  I then had her call BM the next morning.  During that phone call, SD regressed into the whiny, pitiful talk that she knows BM want to hear - makes BM feel needed & I'm convinced that BM actually enjoys it when SD is sick!  When SD got off the phone, she passed on several instructions from BM for her care, and informed us that BM would be calling back frequently, as she was very worried about her.

Since then, SD rejects anything we try to give her, and asks only for what BM recommends.  She will begin to feel better, but the next phone call from BM always puts a stop to that.  I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do or not, but DH has listened to the last couple of calls, trying to find out why they have such a negative affect on SD.  We are furious!  BM asks, "What are they feeding you?"  When SD answers, she says, "No, angel, you need to eat..."  and "I'm so sorry you're sick.  I wish you were HERE so I could take care of you!  I miss you so much.  I'm SO worried about you!"  Never, "I'm sorry you're sick, but I know Daddy will take very good care of you."  Everything she says conveys the message that our care is lacking in some way, and how sorry she is that SD is being forced to endure the conditions at our home.  

And EVERY phone call ends with a 1 to 2 min. mantra about how SD is BM's everything, whole life, she counts the mins. till they're back together, on & on & on.  She chants the same lines every time, then SD repeats them all, word-for-word, back to BM.  This all sounds very strange and abnormal to my kids, and anyone else who has ever overheard it.  Several people have asked us what the deal was after they heard it.

My question is, when constant phone calls from a PAS parent has an adverse affect on the child, and the child has little contact with DH when she is with BM, how do we (or SHOULD we?) limit BM's phone contact with SD without it looking like WE are trying to alienate or retaliate for DH's lack of phone contact?

Sorry if this post is jumbled or unclear.  I'm writing fast, while furious.  We just don't want to do any more damage to an already torn & confused little girl.  She only behaves as she has been carefully trained by BM, and we have always encouraged relaxed, open communication.  
But we don't want to continue to allow communication that ultimately contributes to the damage.  We are angry, frustrated, and aren't sure how to handle this.

Any suggestions?  

Thanks for listening!
 

[CustodyIQ]

Shelly,

My prior post to you is also a perfect reply to this post.

It's going to come down to educating yourself about the psychological dynamics at work here.... so check out those resources I previously provided.

[MYSONSDAD]

You could take the phone off the hook. Kidding...

Any chance you could get a modification on Telephonic Communication? If she is constantly calling, could it be harassment or interference?

Can DH talk with BM and ask her to call twice a week, specify a day and time convenient to both?

"Children learn what they live"