How to go on.

[Bitter_Broke]

Well, I am not brand new here but lost my login so I am here under a new name.

My fiance and I had spent the last year trying to get the mother to cooperate in sharing the two children ( 8 and 10) with him. We did everything. Absolutely everything. I studied this website and read books. He got a lawyer. We went to parenting classes and couples counseling. We tried our dammnest to do the right thing by the kids and went out of our way to be decent to the bio mom even if at times we felt as though we were going to die. But alas! In the end, the judge really couldn't have cared less about the father's role and ruled 100% in the mother's favor. The mother true to her personality disorder has yet to show any sign of relenting in the PAS and the continual usage of the children as leverage to spite the father.

After all was said and done in court... More than half of his salary is garnished for child support and back child support because none his past support payments were credited. His drivers licence is suspended due to $550 dollars of back child support (2 weeks worth) that he hasn't payed her. (a deficit portion that we were totally unaware of until his licence was suspended) Not that it matters because his car was reposessed anyway. But that would have made it impossible for him to keep his job, except his employer has graciously allowed him to telecommute. Knowing he can't show up for court, the mother immediately filed a motion to move 200 miles away and the judge granted it (not that he would have objected at this point).

Now, he hasn't seen his kids at all for the last 3 months. It is not just due to the lack of a car or a drivers licence or gas money. It is because we believe that more we are in contact with the children, worse the PAS will get.  It breaks his heart that he can't see the kids but he knows that they will have a better chance at getting normal parenting from their mom of he stays away. The every other weekend visits is just does not generate enough "good" for the children in comparison to the vindictive mother they have to endure after the visit.

We have told ourselve that we were going to get on with our lives and let the whole situation rest for at least a year. But he is getting more and more angry and depressed.  He is not the type to express his emotions and he is trying to just put it out of his mind.  But every week or so there is a reminder by way of telephone call from ex or court orders of some kind etc which affect him deeply.

When she calls she makes it a point to yell at him about how he is failing as a father and how he has neglected to visit his kids on his weekend. From what she says, we can tell that she has continued with the PAS and mind games.  The kids call infrequently but always with some lame story or another instructed by the mother. But we have to believe that it is better because at least without any conatct, she won't have new ammunition with which to hit the kids.  All she can do is rehash old things and try to use the kids to bait him into her mind games.

When he is reminded of the kids like this, he shuts down completely and does not do anything except go to work on his computer or zone out into TV. This lasts for a couple of days then he gradually cheers up.  He has taken up drinking more than couple nights a week. I even saw him take a drink during working hours once.

Only time he seems to be having fun is when the neighbor's little girl comes over to visit. Then he goes outside and plays baseball etc and chases her around and laughs and giggles with her. Needless to say, the girl loves him and is always begging her mom to let her come visit. The girls mom is a single mom and sees how good he is with her daugher and has said she wishes her ex were as interested in her kids' life as he is.

I don't know what to do. We hardly ever talk about these things anymore because it seems that everything that could be talked about and could be done has already been said and done.  There is no consolation to his anger and sadness. It is as if he is watching his kids slowly drown to death. I suppose in this situation, it is a loss just as if they had died. But unlike death, there is no coming to terms with it because they are very much alive growing up without him.  I feel so sorry for him and so much hatred and anger towards his ex for making the children grow up without their father.

I would appreciate it if people could tell me how they went on after losing their children, how they kept up hope that things will one day change. And any advice on how I can help him would be very helpful.

[4honor]

I am the wife of a man with one alienated child. WE dumped $10,000 into getting TEMPORARY orders and ran out of money. So DH is stuck with EOW. That is it. BM has filled SS's head with crap for years and has convinced SS that not only are his half brothers not real BROTHERS, they are not REAL brothers... so however he wishes to treat them, including sexually abusing them, is fine. (Warped huh?) and that his father has called the police about these allegations in an effort to snatch SS (age 14) from her and hurt HER.

I am also the grown child of a mother like your fiance's EX. My mother made an art form of alienation. In order to survive, I felt forced to engage in PAS. Twenty years later.... hurts and self inflicted harm healing slowly over the course of 22 years, the lives of my own children damaged by my own failures and I learned the ONE THING I DESPERATELY NEEDED TO KNOW:

My father didn't know how bad it was for me, and if he had, he WOULD have fought for me... because it was NOT OK with him that I was treated that way by my mother.

My mother used to threaten to kill herself if I went to my fathers' house for an afternoon vistiation. My siblings called her bluff, but I could not take the chance of it being my fault if she off'd herself while I was gone.

Your Fiance needs to fight for his kids and see them EVERY CHANCE he can, it is the ONLY TIME his kids will get to see for themself that HE REALLY LOVES THEM; if he stays away, they lose him.

Let me tell you a story:
 There was an older couple driving down the road. She is sitting in the front passenger seat and he is driving. She looks over at him and says, "Honey why don't we cuddle close anymore like when we were first married?" He looks over at her and quietly remarks, "I haven't moved."

Your fiance needs to be that with his children: Steady and constant. If he distances himself from them at this stage there is no hope for them. They will endure alot for someone they believe loves them. He needs to look into alternative transportation, borrow a friend to drive him or take a bus to their town for at least one overnight.