Ex complains about taking care of our daughter

[pw7285]

Almost 2 years ago my ex girlfriend and 3 year old daughter moved out of state after I decided that the unhealthy relationship and almost daily arguements where too much for me expecially around my daughter.  The ex didn't want to stay in the same state and keeping her here against her will would have made my life and our daughters a living hell.  She chose and I agreed to let her to move out of state closer to family.  We have joint custody of our daughter and I pay my $1100 a month in CS without fail.  I live 1500 miles away and still manage to see my daughter every 8-10 weeks a minimun of 5 days and as much as 14.  My daughter and I talk almost everyday and sometimes 2x a day for at least 30 minutes at a time now that she is older.  We have a great relationship and both look forward to seeing and talking to each other.

Here is the problem, EVERYTIME my ex is overwhelmed with school (she doesn't work) stress about homework or short of money, she calls me for help and/or picks a fight.  It's always the same fight, "why don't you sell your house, quite your job and move up here and help me"?  This leads to 20 - 30 minutes of listening to her tell me how I don't care for our daughter, how work is more important, why don't you move here etc...  I am a degreed professional in the semiconductor business.  I've been in the industry for 15 years and with the same company for 11 of those.  I have told here that if I decided to move it would be closer to our daughter but not in the same city.  Being in the same city as my ex would give a reason to try and make my life hell again and I won't stand for it anymore.  During these conversations it's always, "I can't handle this" or my favorite "I'm done".  She always paints a picture of our daughter being a burden and too much to for her to take care of with school, bills, homework, grocery shopping, blah...blah...blah.  I know that raising a child is difficult but when we lived together she didn't work or go to school.  She took care of our daughter while I worked and supported the familiy and she wasn't happy.  Now that she has a taste of what being a single parent is like and all I hear is her complaining about how tough it is for her.  And she still isn't happy!!!

I have documented 13 occurances of these complaints and wonder what if anything can I do about it?  I have offered to on 3 occasions to take our daughter while she (my ex) is in school.  The response from her is hell no and in her mind the answer is for me to quite my job, sell my house, move and find another job.

I know this is long but I really need some input.

Thank you in advance for the feedback.

[msme]

First, welcome to SPARC. You have come to the best site on the net. There are many wonderful people here who will be able to give you lots of great input.

I personally do not have much experience with distance problems but many of the folks here do. I do know that you are off to a good start by documenting the problems. You should also be documenting everything you do with your daughter, both at visits & and the phone. Take lots of pictures & video.

Also, you should check to see if the states you are in are one party or two party states when it comes to recording. That is, whether one or both parties must know when a call is recorded. If you are both in one party states, start recording all calls from the ex. If either or both are in two party states, send her certified notice that from that date on, all calls will be recorded. She may be cautious at first but before long, she will forget & you will get the noise recorded.

Was your paternity varified? That is very important. If so, with enough evidence, you might be able to prove the need for a change in custody.

Hope this helps. I am sure others will give you much more & better info. Good luck & God bless.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[metamorphosis]

Sounds like she just wants the child support and the control.  If you have your daughter, she wouldnt have the money or (I'm assuming) the financial aid anymore.  My husband and I go through the same thing with his ex, except she actually has her degree now and still refuses to work.  Go for custody.  I don't know how it is in your state, but in mine, there has to be a change in circumstance to file for a modification.  You should talk to a lawyer to find out if there is anything in your or her situation to warrant that.

[flewwellin]

I don't know what state you live in but I'd find out the laws on taping a conversation and follow them to a T.  Then I'd talk to daughter and see where she wants to live, after this I'd talk to a lawyer about obtaining primary physical custody of daughter and take ex to court.  Depends on how old your daughter is but she might sway the judge if this is what SHE truly wants, and the tapes of the ex saying "I'm done" or "I can't handle this" will look really crappy for her.  

[wendl]

Welcome to SPARC

Well lets see SHE moved and now she cannot handle it and expects you to quit your longtime job cuz she cannot handle being a fulltime parent.

If this is sooo hard for her why can't she move back to your state???

Personally I feel she wants someone to drop the child off all the time and still collect that huge cs check,  Hell $1,100 a month is someones monthly net income, doesn't take that much $ monthly to raise a child.

Keep a journal and DO NOT get into arguements with her. Keep your cool. See if you state allows taping or communicate via emails so you have a paper trail.  

Best of luck.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[pw7285]

Thank you very much for your reply.

I live in a one party state and in fact, I have been recording all conversations with the ex for quite some time.  I have been doing this under the advisement of my lawyer.  In addition, I have every conversation with my daughter documented, my visitation schedule from the end of 2003 to present.  I have a photo album of all our visits, and I even send her a small one for her dresser on occasion.

We did have the paternity done when this whole mess started.  In terms of evidence, what would be needed to initiate a modification?  I've been told that I would have to prove neglect or harm to my daughter.  My question is, what about the mental abuse?

Thank you again.

[pw7285]

I agree.

The ex always throws these type of CS comments in my face:

1. The CS is nothing, you can keep it! (total BS cause she doesn't work and supplements her income with living expense loans through the school).

2. The CS isn't enough to take care of her.

3. You can keep your CS and medical coverage, I'll get her on state aid etc...

I don't mind the CS in fact, if I had to pay $2000 a month I would make it happen.  I just want what is best for my daughter and quite frankly, I'm not convinced that her being there with mom and her, what I term as emotionally unstable behavior, is best for her.

Thanks again

[msme]

taking your daughter to a counselor. The counselor will be able to evaluate the effect od her mother's behavior on her. You must have a pretty good lawyer who has you doing all the right things.

Not much else you can do unless she really screws up.

Good luck & God bless.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!