Involontary job relocation - Child Custody

[jbradfield]

I am under a serious time frame to take the job offer or find new employment and want to maintain primary custody of my kids

what are my chances what do i do?

Situation:

The company I have been employed with for the past five years has moved my department to Charlottesville, Virginia.  After taking an all expensed paid trip there, I have decided that I would like to accept the transfer and move my family there.  I have to be able to start my job by November 1, 2005.

My ex-wife, Monique, does not want me moving our three boys away and will not come to any form of agreement as to what we can do together.  I am currently listed as the primary custodial parent and feel that with the stable family environment I have given them, this would be beneficial for their emotional, educational and financial well being.

I would like to get this resolved in mediation or if necessary by a judge to come to some sort of visitation agreement.  I have told Monique that whenever the kids are not in school she can have them over to visit, including Winter Break, Spring Break and during the summer.  I am also not asking her for child support.

Current Issues with Mother:

∑ I have witnessed fighting between Monique and her live-in boyfriend in front of the children on more than a few occasions as I am dropping off the kids.  

∑ Monique has admitted to me that her boyfriend partakes in illegal drugs.

∑ Police have been called to their home due to his anger issues and almost starting a fight with the next door neighbor.  He was almost taken to jail until my fiancée and I intervened and convinced the officer he would go back inside his house.

∑ Monique called us for money a month ago because they could not pay their rent.  

∑ Currently Monique does not have a job, and her boyfriend also cannot prove he has had a steady income for the past six months.

∑ She called a few weeks ago stating that she wanted to get a job and expected me to pay for all the daycare expenses, once I told her that I cannot afford more money in daycare she stated that the kids don't have to be in daycare, that they could stay with her mother, the boys grandmother.

∑ Monique feels that she can adequately care for her boys, and have her mother baby sit while she works.  I disagree due to the fact that they wouldn't have a structured environment.  It wasn't until a year ago I decided to put our oldest son in school so he would have some adequate social skills before starting Kindergarten.  She was against it and stated he didn't need to go to school yet.

∑ Monique does not have a car that can fit our three boys and her newest son, and this worries me in case she is home by herself and cannot get to a doctor's office or a hospital.

∑ Monique relies heavily on her mother's support (whom lives two houses away) however, her mother's home has been on the market and during my conversations with both Monique and her mother, they are selling their house and moving to San Diego or across the country.  My concern is what happens to kids when Monique is working and there is no one to watch the kids?

∑ The kids come home restless and tired from not having an adequate nap schedule or routine.

∑ Justus has come home on a couple occasions stating that Matt (Monique's boyfriend) has moved out.  And that he no longer lives there.  This concerns me a great deal about their environment stability.

Reasons I feel I can provide for my children:

∑ I have had a stable income for the past five years.  My fiancée has had a stable income for the past three years.

∑ We currently own our house and upon moving to Virginia would take out our equity and purchase another house out there.  

∑ The kids regularly attend church with us on Sundays they are home.  We can provide attendance records and I feel that church has helped them to overcome a lot of their emotional issues brought upon them from the stress of both parents living in different homes.

∑ We are able to provide financially for everything the kids need.  Justus (our oldest son) was able to play soccer last season, and Jaden (our middle son) has an opportunity to play this season.  Though they may not like it, they at least have had the opportunity to try and I feel this adds to building their self esteem and confidence levels.

∑ Justus has excelled very well in Pre-School, I feel without this form of education and structure he may not have gotten the social maturity he would have needed for Kindergarten.

 
∑ We have a routine schedule at home that the kids are accustomed to.

∑ In Virginia the kids would have the opportunity for a better education because we could afford to put them in private schools.

∑ During our separation, the kids lived with me 100% of the time, while Monique would come for visits.  The children are used to me being their primary caretaker; I feel to give that away to Monique would create more emotional instability in our children.  They are not used to living away from as they never have lived outside of my home.  Not once since our divorce have the kids ever lived with Monique.

[MixedBag]

You know, there's been a couple of threads on this site concerning the subject of moving the kids away from the NCP.  Take some time and read through them.

Most of the time, it's been the Mom/CP moving away from the Dad/NCP, and the advice is that the kids can stay, let the CP move.

Moving away can go "either way" in the eyes of the court.

Make sure you follow the state's laws on notifying her and stuff first and foremost.

Then spend some time reading on what other's have been advised on how to approach it.  

Take a good look to at Socrateaser's board (separate board) and search there to.

[MixedBag]

That the parent who moved away usually pays for all the transportation necessary to transport the child(ren) back to the NCP.

Not always true (like in my case)....but your situation isn't like mine was.  My "career" had me moving every 3-4 years, and he married me knowing that.

[4honor]

You are being offered a cross roads. Your children will win or lose by default.

She may not be making the best decisions, but your children love their mother and need her as much as they do you. They are all very small and will suffer tremnedous grief -- something they will not know how to handle if they lose either of you. Your moving will inflict that grief on them regardless if she gains custody or your retain it.

Is there any other way -- a job in the same town or a nearby town so that your kids can retain their relationship with both of you?

[Kent]

... and none of them is a reason.

If all these excuses bother you so much, then you should have used them earlier to obtain custody and limit parenting of the mother.

I have had many opportunities to move away from my ex and obtain a better income and higher standard of living.
I never accepted.

I stand behind my opinion that custodial parents who want to move away should give up custody, unless the NCP has been deemed unfit.

Kent!

[c_alexander]

Being a non-custodial father who was forced to watch as his child was moved away by the mother I can tellyou first hand that taking the children away from a parent...even if this parent is not as responsible as you are, will only hurt your children. There is a very good reason why the magnetic awareness ribbons sell say "KIDS NEED BOTH PARENTS"

Even if you move then try to work out good visitation with the mother, it is impossible for a parentto be a parent to their kids when they live so far away. It has also been my understanding that the sacrifice I have made by moving halfway across the country to be with my duaghter is a rare thing. I doubt that your ex would do that and in the end it is going to be the kids that suffer. Granted perhaps the mother is not a "fit" mother, but that is something you have to let your kids figure out on their own.

I admit that i must agree with Kent. It is not fair that one parent can be allowed to take children wherever they want. If a non-ciustodial parent did that it'd be considered kid napping. ..."custodial parents who want to move away should give up custody, unless the NCP has been deemed unfit.
" and I would ad also OR if the NCP grants permission.

[jbradfield]

i appreciate all the feed back

i have actually offered my unemployed x-wife and her boyfriend to pay to relocate them to VA in addition i will pay for their airline tickets there and offer to pay their first mo rent

they have no serious employment and the lower cost of living could be a great benefit to them as well


i have given her some time to decide

after which i will see where we go

[Kent]

I hope you and the mother will be able to work that out.

Kent!

[wendl]

I would have to agree with kent.

Not many people would be wiling to relocate their ex and their boyfriend for the sake of the children.

Hope it all works out.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[MixedBag]

Hmmm, move the mom too?

Now that's an idea.

I've invested a lot too to make "one weekend a month" long distance weekends with my son work out.  One day, I do expect my EX to say he has to "move" in order to accept a promotion and of course, I would fight that -- however, I have too thought something similar "Well, move "me" too so that I can still have my one weekend a month at the same cost to me as I have now..."

Similar idea....

The key is keeping both parents in the children's lives, not just one.

I'm a believer that moves don't hurt the children (20 year career military person here), but moves to eliminate a parent are not the same.