Another father fighting for his child.............

[Kitty C.]

I finally did it..........I finally went out on a limb and talked frankly to SS's SF, who filed for divorce against the BM a few months ago.  I just happened to catch him in a store yesterday with his son.

I told him that I didn't know how he would take me talking to him about these issues, but I wanted him to know how I felt about it and some of what his rights are, particularly in this state.  He was NOT aware that a new custody law had been passed last year, requiring judges to consider joint physical even if only ONE parent asks for it, and must give a legal reason why if it's refused.

He is asking for 50/50 physical and legal and he told me that he's submitted at least 3 different parenting plans.  The kicker is that he and the BM work at the same plant, but on opposite days.  So, in essence, they BOTH share equal care and have been since the child's birth.  But it doesn't give them much leeway in custody alternatives.  Standard visitation won't work because they each work one weekend day.  Ideal would be he has the child his days off and vise versa for her.  This is HIS suggestion.  And it makes it a TRUE 50/50 split.

He was very open-minded about our conversation and it appeared to me that he only has his child's best interests at heart.  BM is saying that she doesn't want to go even a day without seeing their child, but she's been doing it with SS for over 7 years.  He told me he appreciated my frankness with him and he would talk to his atty. about the new law.

I also gave SF info on this site and another state-specific site, in case he wanted to do more research on his own and he said he planned on it.  I feel good in knowing that I may have helped a child to have the best of both worlds, even tho his parents won't be together.  I've had to, and continue to watch DS struggle thru the pain of separation, first temp. and now permanent, from his father and I will do whatever I can to help ensure another child never has to go thru that.  

The thing is, I haven't told DH about talking to him.......and right now I have no intention of telling him, either.  DH and BM both tend to get a little rabid about this stuff and SF and I are both aware of this.  We parted with the knowledge that this was strictly between the two of us.

Unless I'm missing something, I really can't see anything wrong with not telling DH about my conversation with SF.  It really has nothing to do with DH or SS.  But if I am missing something, someone please let me know!  

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

I don't think you did anything wrong, but you may want to figure out a way to at least tell DH that you bumped into SF and chatted for a few minutes.

I think it'd be bad for your marriage if DH finds out through other means if you had a lengthy conversation with SF.

But if you mention (even in passing) that you bumped into him and he mentioned the divorce, then that can be the end of it.

If any particulars ever come out in the future, you can say to DH, "Oh, didn't I mention that?  Yeah, I think that may have come up back when I bumped into SF that one time."

Something's making you nervous about what you did, since you posted it here.  

So that's just a thought where you don't have to feel deceitful but you also recognize how complete details may throw DH into a rage.

[Kitty C.]

I know that DH's only concern is that SF might tell BM, she will go into a rage and take it out on DH.  The thing is, there's NO WAY SF would tell BM about this at all.  

I know I should tell DH, even if just in passing.  I have no idea how he will react, because anything having to do with BM and the possibility of her going off sets him off as well.  He doesn't want to 'rock the boat' in any way, shape or form with the BM, even if it would benefit SS.  He has this paranoia about all this that is confusing to me at times.

I think it's just a matter of helping him to understand that this has really nothing to do with him or SS and that all I was trying to do was help a fahter and his son maintain their relationship, something DH has been struggling with for years.  I'll wait for the right time, but in the meantime, I have absolutely no regrets in talking to the SF.  I know he was grateful for the information I gave him and if what I did helps him maintain a good relationship with his son, then I'm happy.

[gipsy]

What are all these acronyms ? I thought I saw a definition some where can you tell me where? I can't understand your post ? DH. SF. SS And SF , way too many for me , I could only guess Divorced Hubby Means who's hubby ? Step Father ? Who's? , Is this a friend that is a step father , Step Son , Is the son of whom ? Divorced Hubby ? Who married again ? And he is step son too the new ex wife's  MUB ,Monkeys uncles Brothers  SMRHHD  serial monogamous relationship house hold drifter !  
  Serious : where the heck do I find the definitions of all these acronyms ?

[jilly]

DH = dear husband; darling husband; or in some cases it may be dayum husband! LOL (I kid! I kid!)

SF = Stepfather

SS = stepson

The stepfather is the stepfather of the stepson.

The dear/darling husband is Kitty's husband.

The stepson is Kitty's dear/darling husband's son.

The stepfather was married to Kitty's dear/darling husband's ex-wife.  The stepfather and the ex-wife are getting divorced (which makes her an ex 2 times over!).  The stepfather and the ex-wife have a child together.

Clear as mud now?!

[joni]

I agree, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  Don't underestimate that this circumstance may come back to bite you in the a$$.

Does your DH know about SPARC?  Tell him you ran into SF and gave him the URL for the SPARC web site.

[Brent]

>  Serious : where the heck do I find the definitions of all
>these acronyms ?

Try here:

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/acronyms.htm

[flewwellin]

I think that you were correct in talking to the SF cause it in the end is helping a child keep their father in their life.  Your husband wouldn't have a problem with you speaking about father's rights to some other man going thru this sittuation would he?  He also wouldn't demand knowing about it right?  Just think of it this way, your helping a child out not the man who is a step father to your step son.