need advice

[waterfall]

I am new here, so I am not familiar with all the abbreviations, so please forgive me.  I am the step mother, but I have some questions.  My DH (divorced husband right?) has two daughters, his ex can be a real witch.  The ex is always changing her mind about things and often expects us to just drop everything and come to get the girls when she wants, even though she does not work and we do.  she is always holding the kids over my DH's head and we are tired of it.  he was thinking of making an appt with an atty to discuss joint custody (he feels it is so pro mother that he doesn't have a chance for full custody).  they have no custody papers in place now, we get them every weekend and sometimes during the week.  mom doesn't get SD's to bed at a decent hour on school nights, they never have lunch money, sometimes when they come over they can't remember when the last time they had a bath or brushed their teeth was.  she talks bad about DH and I infront of the kids, she doesn't give them medicine that they are supposed to have and the girls are 6 & 8 and have NEVER been to the dentist...etc..  would his chances be good to get joint custody that is one week here and one week there so it is shared time?  and in that case is child support waived?  we pay her a good amount and she doesn't work, is pregnant and her new hubby is military so they "claim" he doesn't make much so she is always saying that they don't have enough money for everything and we have to go get what the girls need even after we paid the support, so I feel she is not using the support on the girls or she would have plenty of money for them.  i have a daughter too and receive support so this isn't just to get out of it, i just feel that if we have them half the time then we would already be providing half.  Please let me know your thoughts, advice, comments...etc.  thank you

[joni]

DH means your "darling husband" that you would be currently married to.

Right now we are fighting tooth and nail for custody of my SD (stepdaughter) in which we have pictures of bruises, the child's confession and extensive psych reports from mommy dearest beating the crap out of her.....and...we may lose it.  it's not a slam dunk, overnight thing, it's a process and yes, a process that favors custodial mothers.

I think you have a sweet visitation deal, you get more than 90% of the people here.   I don't think you have a chance for sole custody because you don't have a substantial change in circumstance.  Mom's a piece of trash that should be a better mom, it's not enough to the judge.  Just my honest opinion.

This is what I would do.  You have to ask yourself, why are you doing this?  To get back at mom or to take care of the kids.  

If it's to take care of the kids, kiss mom's lazy ass and try to get the kids as much as you can (get a calendar and mark the times and days when you have them).  If you're worried about their health, you take them to the doctor and the dentist (keep a copy of the receipt).  If they need lunch money, you buy the lunch card at school (keep the receipt for your records).  If you buy clothes (keep the receipt).

Of course, one scenario is you "bribe" mom, ask her for the kids one week here, one week there AND CONTINUE TO PAY HER CHILD SUPPORT.  It's about the kids right?  That's the way to do it without having to pay an attorney to fight your battle and potentially lose for $50,000.  That would be years of child support so why not take the road of least resistance and just get the kids?  Food for thought.

There's nothing you can do to keep mom from speaking poorly about you to the kids other than to live a loving, stellar, respectful life style.  The children will soon come to appreciate the lifestyle that you're showing them.  When they get older, around 12 or so, perhaps the judge will listen to them, if they're not already living with you and hopefully respect their request to live with you.