Father looking for joint PHYSICAL custody

[joso]

This is my first time here, so please bear with me.  I'm about to go into a custody battle with my daughters mother.  We were never married, and we split when my daughter was 3 months old.  For the last 2 years it has been a constant battle.  I reside in NJ and my daughter lives in PA with her mother, grandmother and aunt.  There is a history of mental illness in the family and I'm finding that may be true with my daughters mother.  In the city of Philadelphia, every time I walk into court, I already feel like I have lost just for being the father.  I have one of the best attorneys in the area, and I still feel like I have no shot at winning.  I have read many books and articles that I should not go into court trying to trash the abilities and credibilities of her mother, but how do you do that with 2 years of anger penned up waiting for this hearing?  I truly believe that at this point, my daughter's welfare is in danger.  What I am trying to do is to creat as normal a life for her as possible without making things more confusing for her.  I believe that she is at a very critical point of her life and I believe that her mother does not always have her best interests.  My questions are as follows:
 1. How should this be handled, all opinions are welcome.
 2. If I have to negotiate, where should I draw the line without compromising my daughters safety?

Thanks for any help.

[MYSONSDAD]

I have been in my battle now for 3 years. Seems like forever.

From what I can remember, NJ and PA are both rough states on Fathers.

The archives here are wonderful. Just go to the search engine and you will receive much information.

How do you feel your daughter is in danger? That will help us in trying to help you. We need more info.

Did you have an evaluation? If mommy has mental issues, the attorney should get a court order that you all are evaluated.

Any chance she has medical records in this regard? You could have the attorney supeana them.

I hope you have been documenting. Showing a consistant pattern of behavior might be your best approach.


"Children learn what they live"

[joso]

Thank you for your response.  I believe that my daughter is in danger based on conversations between her mother and her grandmother.  They have inferred that they would make false accusations with regards to molestation.  Her mother has consistenetly made up stories for restraining orders and I don't believe that there is a line that they, my ex and her mother, won't cross.  My concern at this point, beyond the psychological nightmares being created, is to what extremes these idiots will go to prove something.  There are constant comments with regards to me "disappearing" from her life and that she would be better off without me.  I'm concerned that based on the way Philadelphia reacts to different situations, I would actually have to wait until something terrible happens before I can get anything done, and I obviously prefer nothing happen before there is a resolution.  My daughters mother believes that the system exists solely to cater to her needs, and in my opinion, she is blatently abusing the system that is put into place to protect those single mothers that truly need the help of the court system.  This is the most difficult part.  No matter what documentation I seem to have, I have yet to ever get the oppurtunity to defend myself.  Thank you again for your advice, and I look forward to potentially more.

[MYSONSDAD]

I would say, you are dead on. Many of us have had false RO's placed, just to keep us away from our children.

The current system does favor accepting allegations without any proof. Especially when it comes from mom.

If you scroll down on this message board, I just posted an Action Alert from the ACFC. There are many persons fighting the injustice and how damaging RO's and OOP's can be. It destroys families. Please take a moment to read what they say about this. VAWA comes up for renewal this month.

The best advice I can give, is keep your daughter your top priority, take the high road, and NEVER give up the fight. Have someone with you when your daughter is in your care. If you have a video recorder, use it.. Cover your butt and don't give her a chance to do anything.

Here is a site you can research. It will give you tips on how to combat false allegations.

http://www.abuse-excuse.com/

[CustodyIQ]

Hi there,

I have much empathy for your frustrations and concern.

I'm gonna try to help you help yourself.

1.  List the three worst things the mother has done as a parent.  After each one of those things, specify what kind of evidence you have.

2.  Outline how often you spend time with your daughter (i.e., frequency, duration, and location).

3.  In your own past, do you have any criminal convictions or problems with drugs or alcohol?

4.  Finally, what is the current distance in miles between you and mother?

Answer those, and I think I may be able to give you the kind of guidance you're seeking.