non custodial father

[blueeyes]

i am going crazy my daughters mom doesnt want to work at co parenting .my daughter is 3 years old her mom now has a boyfriend and i have a girlfriend  for 2 years now  whom my daughter gets along well with . the mother now is telling me    my girlfriend  is trying to be my babys mom she says she knows this because  my daughter said "daddy, mommy and my girfriends name"  all in one sentance. the mother is from another country so i know she has a language barrier but when i tried to explain my daughter just said all of our names together  she is now bent on  me getting rid of my girlfriend she thinks i am not good enough for my daughter....
 i have had to take her to court in the past  i have an order of protection against her  already she attacked me .  she has tried to kill herself  in the past. so i know she isnt so stable . but the courts insist that she should be the custodial parent . in the past 3 years she has moved over 10 times . i really dont think she is a bad mom in general. but how can i  stop her insanity? or at least  let it have  the least affect on my daughter and me ...  i get to see my daughter every other weekend  the courts agreed on it  after she tried taking my child to her country without my permission . i am tired of fighting  i read online about co parenting and it sounds like such a relief to have it  but i am so far from it  i dont know what to do




its better to live on your feet than to die on your knees

[FIRM]

If you can't ignore her and her complaints, about the only thing you can do is take her back to court.

Before you do...  

Is she really upsetting the apple cart?
Is she trying to set you up for another court appearance?
Do you currently have 50-50 or close to it in custodial time?
Do you have your allegations documented, verified and able to prove them?

The above questions certainly are not all inclusive, but you really do have an uphill battle to change custody if you have had this arrangement for any length of time and especially, if you are male..

If you are bound and determined to take her back to court, make sure that you have all your documentation in place with dates and times verfying and proving what you are alleging.

The following is long and some of it will not apply, but you need to know what to look for and how to document it.  This site has a good parental time tracker for documenting your situation and the last time I checked, it was free, but you had to have Excel to use it.

Good luck,

Eric

Original Author: Tom

WHY ARE YOU HERE?? This is not a silly question. You are about to learn a whole new meaning of the term,"rebuttable presumption," and why it applies exclusively to you in Family Court.

Trust me, you're in for the fight of your life. If you're not prepared, you can bet the other side will rebut you right out of fatherhood and into poverty. Your children, with your current and future finances, will be out of your life forevermore.

Your goal therefore, demands a strong offense. This requires dedication, support, "pro-active" planning, and lots of research. In other words, PREPARATION IS EVERYTHING!!

The following list is neither conclusive nor is it exhaustive. For that matter, not all of it will apply to you. Nevertheless, its intent is to get you to think, ask hard questions, and above all, to be prepared. Copy it. Print it. NEVER let your STBX see it.

What ever you do, NEVER YOUR MARITAL RESIDENCE unless ordered by the court!! If you do, your STBX is free to do unto you as you are about to do unto her. It'll be a mistake that'll cost you dearly.

If you're not THOROUGHLY prepared, the other side will find your weakness and work you over. Their primary purpose is to "soften you up" and get you to give up custody WILLINGLY!! "THEY HAVE METHODS!!" They'll even recruit your attorney and get you to sign documents you'll
later regret. If you're not prepared, and if you fail to choose your attorney wisely, there'll be nothing left of you when they're done.

If your STBX files first, she's already plotted her next 10 moves against you. This is not where you want to be. If she files first, you can expect:

1) a restraining order that evicts you from your house and prevents you from contacting your kids.

2) to pay temporary child support, temporary alimony, community debt, and/or bills accumulated by your STBX during these proceedings. This can be 1 to 3 years. You'll be bankrupt well before trial.

3) to pay court costs and other fees, in addition to expenses mentioned above: GAL; Custody/Child Evaluator; Psychological evaluation; Your STBX's attorney fees.

EXPECT HER TO LIE. EXPECT THEM TO BELIEVE HER. EXPECT NO FAIRNESS. EXPECT TO NEED MOUNTAINS OF EVIDENCE TO PROVE YOUR CASE.

Their goal is to "bleed you dry" and beat you into submission. You'll never see the last of their dirty tricks. It behooves you therefore to be very prepared very early.

NEVER BE IN A POSITION WHERE YOU HAVE TO PLAY "CATCH-UP."

If you've got "skeletons" in your closet, prepare accordingly, ahead of time. Do likewise with your STBX's skeletons. Gather all incriminating info while you can. Never give her the opportunity to cover her tracks.

For starters, develop an EARLY GAME PLAN to win custody. Execute your play according to YOUR timetable. Pick your shots. Make them count. Timing is everything. Keep the other side off balance. This is very important.

Lay out a trap-line for your STBX. Perpetually work on setting her up for the fall. You know her weakness. Bait her!! Give her every opportunity to make a mistake. Spring your trap in front of the camera and in front of witnesses. Document everything.

Everything must be documented in a WELL-WORDED journal. What you write must be factual and correct. At trial, your journal will be a valuable source of events, dates, and patterns of behavior. Your journal should also contain surprises to keep the other side off balance. Most
importantly, your journal will discredit fabricated testimony and lies you can expect from the other side.

Along with your journal, gather supporting evidence with photos and videos. Put a trace program on the computer and a recorder on the phone. Don't be afraid to record phone calls. Make it your business to know where your STBX goes in cyber-space. Above all get witnesses, especially professionals involved with your STBX & kids. You may want to hire a PI. A visit to your local spy shop will be very worth while. Think of it as an investment.

Your journal, together with supporting evidence, will help you. More correctly, they will help your attorney. Remember, your attorney is only as effective as the information you give him. If he gets little from you, you can expect little in return.

Type and/or otherwise arrange journal notes well in advance of trial. Reserve plenty of time to review your journal with your attorney. You must bond with your attorney, and he must bond with you. Both of you must be "reading from the same page" between now and trial. Be sure save your original journal draft. You may need it.

YOUR JOURNAL IS THE TEMPLATE OF YOUR CASE!! Guard it carefully. It contains secrets the other side would love to have. Above all, BEWARE of so-called "neutral third parties," like the GAL or Custody Evaluator. These thugs are anything but neutral. They will specifically target their report and/or testimony to discredit everything you've written. To guard against subpoena, address each page to your attorney. Remember, the primary purpose of your journal is to rebut and/or otherwise discredit the lies and fabricated testimony that'll come from the other side. THIS IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE!!

Never sign anything the custody evaluator asks you to sign - even if it's a scrap of paper that states you agree to XYZ conditions. This is a trap. Anything you sign becomes a bona-fide legal document that will be used against you in court.

PLOTTING DATA (patterns of behavior) from your journal:

It's very important to have supporting evidence to back up your documentation. Photos and witnesses are ideal. However, you can't always count on people, nor can you count on having a camera when you need one. Therefore, you must build your case with what you have. YOUR JOURNAL!!

If done properly and consistantly, your journal becomes the heart and soul of your case. It is filled with important data. This data shows your STBX's pattern of behavior over time. In other words, you can scientifically predict how your STBX will behave based upon the data you've collected. Remember, when plotting scientific data of any nature, you can expect surprises. Remember, surprises are what keeps the other side off balance.

Data from your journal can be plotted on a graph, a pie chart, or bar chart. For comparison, it's a good idea to use all of the above. You'll need Excel software.

Plotted data are much easier to intrepret, both for the judge and your attorney. Plotted data show large blocks of evidence at a glance; ie, parenting history/behavior. This helps rebut the built-in bias of the system, and scientifically supports your bid for custody.

Keep in mind, a single "judgement error" will NEVER get the judge's attention. However, a "PATTERN" of well-documented judgement errors, supported by evidence, will make a difference.

Remember, neither the judge nor your attorney want to sift through endless streams of relatively "meaningless" journal data. Consider your audience. It's up to you to make things as easy as possible for them both.

SET YOURSELF UP TO WIN!! Pay attention to detail. Follow through on leads. Don't get side-tracked!! Use only what works for you.

BECOME A "CHILD ADVOCATE."

1) Get involved with a network of parent educators.

2) Make time for play dates and/or parties. Invite parent-chaperones who will observe you as a Superdad in fine form. Make sure mothers are invited. Ideally, they should be solidly married, above reproach, and will not be disparaged for having an affair with you.

These are great sources for collateral witnesses.

2) Enroll yourself and/or your kids in classes/counseling/treatment as necessary: Parenting classes; Co-parenting classes; Anger managment; Couseling for kids caught-in-the-middle; enroll in a Children's First program; Alcohol/drug treatment. Read contemporary books and literature
on the above subject matter. Take the initiative. Become informed. Do whatever it takes. Don't wait 'til it's too late.

3) The most important witnesses are court-appointed professionals, so-called "neutral third parties." They include; the home study evaluator, the forensic evaluator, the custody evaluator, the psychologist, the play therapist, and the GAL. Tread lightly with these people. They are
anything but neutral. These thugs are "GOD" in determining custody decisions. Keep in mind, the judge is gonna rule whatever they recommend. They live by one fundamental principle, "Dads be damned."

Whatever you do, NEVER agree to any form of binding mediation. You'll be giving up all your rights to further litigation. You'd just as well sell your soul to the Devil.

From the beginning, you must "attempt" get these witnesses on your side. They are the "tie-breaker." Truth be known, it's their job to insure the race isn't even close, much less a "tie." Nevertheless, do your best. Be sure to document everything.

a) It's their job to not like you.
b) It's their job to fabricate lies about you.
c) It's their job to soften you up and trick you into giving up custody before trial.

Remember "rebuttable presumption?" Some state's statutes declare both fathers and mothers have an equal right to parent their children. In this phase, that right is summarily taken from you. In other words, the game is rigged. It should come as no surprise, gender discrimination is rife within the Judicial Branch of Government.

With that in mind, you might consider hiring a private custody evaluator. The idea is to bring conflicting opinion/testimony with you to court. This is one sure way to minimize a GAL's highly biased testimony/report.

Additionally, make sure to get documentation/history of any violence, both physical and/or verbal/psychological. Is your STBX any threat to herself, to you, to your kids, or to anyone else? Evidence of this nature is critical to rebut an already biased GAL report/testimony.

I've heard of ONE (1) favorable recommend from a GAL. This dad was a school teacher. He was thoroughly professional and very well connected. Additionally he graduated with "honors" from parenting classes and had become a state-certified foster parent. In other words, he had credentials the rest of us don't have or can't get. The GAL liked this dad because he was "one of them."

In family court, the average "Joe Six-Pack" has a 90% chance of losing. That's why your journal and witness list are of the utmost importance.

Here's another example. Risky? Hell yes! But the results are what counts.

Both Parties agreed, together with the judge, to allow the final custody decision to be handled by a custody evaluator. Dad's attorney was familiar with this evaluator and requested that she hear testimony. Stbx's attorney also agreed with the request.

The evaluator met with both attorneys prior to taking testimony. She strongly advised that the Parties settle ahead of time. (Note: This is why you never agree to binding mediation.)

At this critical moment, Dad's attorney revealed the existence of a detailed journal together with a substantial body of evidence. He suggested the Parties walk away with dignity and share custodybetween them. As a result, Dad's STBX agreed to sharing both physical and legal custody without the evaluator deciding for them.

Dad's guess is that his attorney had spooked his STBX in prior courtroom encounters. She gave up without a fight, certainly not because she wanted to. Of that, Dad is sure.

The lesson here is that Dad's attorney had taken the initiative to thoroughly study the journal well in advance. As a result, Dad's attorney was convinced that the journal would tip the balance in an occasion such as this.

Thus: a detailed journal + a good attorney + strategy = Victory

There was another dad that "bought" his STBX out. He got the house, the kids, and everything for $70K. Still another dad got out of paying alimony for a mere $11K. I realize this sounds like a lot all at once. But over time, it's a bargain. Remember, let your attorney handle the negotiating process.

MOVING ON: Your WITNESS LIST must be exhaustive. Other than court-appointed professionals, people that see you with your children and/or otherwise know you personally are going to be your best witnesses. Remember, not everyone will support you, nor will they be available when you need them.

Potential witnesses include: Extended family; neighbors; day care, school professionals; parent volunteers; medical professionals; adult activity leaders.

"Cardinal Rule" No 1....... KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!! LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS!!

This is war. You must approach this as a top-secret military operation.

1) Thou shalt not raise any suspicions. DO NOT TELEGRAPH YOUR INTENTIONS.
a) Thou shalt not tell anyone what you're up to, ESPECIALLY YOUR STBX.
b) Thou shalt not share information with anyone about anything.
c) Thou shalt take care of business like nothing's going on.

2) Thou shalt not get side-tracked. This is "crunch time." Manage your time wisely.

3) Thou shalt maintain thy Poker Face. Get prepared for the long hall.

"Cardinal Rule" No 2....... NEVER LET YOUR GUARD DOWN!! WATCH YOUR BACK!!

Have minimal contact with your STBX. NEVER be in a position where she can allege domestic violence of any kind. It's best not to be alone with her. Always have a witness with you.

1) Be very careful when you are alone with your STBX.
a) She can file false domestic violence charges "at will," and have you thrown in jail.
b) She can get a restraining order "at will," and have you kicked out of your house.

2) "Thou shalt ALWAYS bite the bullet." At the same, "Thou shalt ALWAYS be bulding thy case."
a) Thou shalt not argue. Thou shalt not fight. Thou shalt not provoke thy STBX.
b) Thou shalt go the extra mile to be civil. Thou shalt be Mr Nice Guy.

3) Never engage in any form of business with your ex, no matter how much the deal "appears" to be in your favor. It will be a trap you'll regret 'til your dying day. Remember, there ain't no free lunch. You can always expect a pay-back down the road.

"Cardinal Rule" No 3....... BE THE BEST DAD YOU CAN BE!! DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!!

1) Get involved with your kids as much as possible.
a) Assume the role of primary caretaker well in advance.
b) This'll set you up for primary, if not 50/50 shared primary custody. This is your goal. Never lose sight of that!!

2) Make everything you do in the best interest of your kids. Always go the extra mile.

Give your STBX a day off every week. "That's OK, Honey. I'll take care of this. Why don't you go shopping?" Take advantage to document parenting time, and snoop around when she's not home.

The following sites offer charts to document parenting time and other relavent issues. Use them to help plan what you need to do.

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/index.html
http://www.parentingtime.net/
http://www.childcustodycoach.com/

"Cardinal Rule" No 4....... GET CONNECTED!! STAY INFORMED!!

1) Familiarize yourself with Family Laws, Administrative Rules, and court procedures.
a) You must understand the court process and how the family law system works.
b) It is your responsibility to know anything and everything that applies to you.
c) Mastery of your state's Family Code will confer advantage to you in the courtroom.

As a father, you have rights. However, the goal of the judicial junta is to deny, and/or otherwise undermine those rights; ie, "rebuttable presumption." You've gotta be prepared.

2) Read books on winning custody. Read only those that work for you.

3) Get connected with a dads support group. This helps you stay focused. It's the most important thing you can do.
a) With networking, your proactive effort becomes leveraged exponentially.
b) Whether you gather or share, information is the a prequisite to constructive action.
c) Hang out with winners. When things heat up, you'll need their support.
d) AVOID losers and "nay-sayers." They'll drag you down.

4) BEWARE of your limitations. Find out what works for you and what doesn't.

You'll never survive if you do this alone. As discussed above, court-appointed professionals are not what they seem. They are wolves in sheep's clothing. They have no conscience.

"Cardinal Rule" No 5....... HIRE THE BEST FATHER FRIENDLY ATTORNEY YOU CAN FIND.

BEWARE OF WOLVES IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING. BEWARE of attorneys who "claim" to know everything. They talk the talk, but don't walk the walk. Remember, you want results, not a compromise. Take your time. Shop around. Ask hard questions. Make your choice carefully.

Your attorney's specialty should be representing fathers in family court. HE MUST KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT. He should't expect a large retainer. He should tell you his win/loss record as well as your chances of winning. He should tell you his billing policy. He should be well-connected. He should know judges and court-appointed professionals; GAL's, custody evaluators, psychologists, etc.

It's no secret. Attorneys are 99% of the problem. So......

1) Be prepared, well in advance, BEFORE you choose an attorney. Know what to expect.
a) Above all, watch for "RED FLAGS."

2) Your attorney works for you. You must know ahead of time what you want and stick to it.
a) Never allow your attorney to dissuade you from your ultimate goal.
b) Never display "eager-to-deal."
c) Never allow your attorney to drag the process out unnecessarily. For starters, get a trial date set ASAP. Don't haggle over "little things." Stay focused. Keep the pressure on.

Be prepared to tell your attorney everything, especially the truth. Be prepared to follow his advice.

3) NEVER "assume" that your attorney will know everything.
a) Most of your knowledge will come from your support network; ie, experienced fathers who have tenacity and know the ropes.

4) Never expect your attorney to do "everything."
a) Manage your case actively and personally.

5) If your attorney advises you to take the "high road," find another one ASAP.
a) THIS IS WAR!! If you're gonna lose, go down fighting dirty.

6) Find a para-legal who's father friendly, one who's experienced with family law.
a) As you know, some nurses know more than doctors. The same hold true for para-legals and attorneys.
b) Find one you can count on. This is an important Plan B resource.

7) Speaking of Plan B, ALWAYS have a back-up for everything. You never know when you'll need it.
a) If you have doubts, NEVER think twice about getting a second opinion.
b) For that matter, never think twice about getting a different attorney.

8) As things progress, assess your chances of winning; best case versus worst case scenario. BE REALISTIC!!
a) If you you have a "reasonable" chance of winning, then go for it, and go early.
b) If you have "serious" doubts about winning, then settle early. Cut the best deal you can.

9) NEVER expect fairness from your STBX, much less fairness from the Family Court system.
a) Realistically, your chances of winning are 3 in 100.
b) If your ex is a junkie, a < edited >, a 3-time convicted felon, or any combination of the above, she'll win custody 97% of the time. These numbers are realistic.

This gives you some idea of what you're up against. Remember, you are at the mercy of Family Court thugs. The system is designed to degrade you and to bankrupt you. They'll force you spend your money any way they can. Like the "dog" that you are, they have tactics that bring
you to "heel." THEY DON'T LIKE YOU!!

"Cardinal Rule" No 6....... NEVER GIVE, OR SIGN ANYTHING TO YOUR STBX IN ADVANCE

You know your STBX better than anyone. You know what's important to her. You also know her weakness. Between now and trial, you will find that your STBX is "her own favorite charity." Her greed will soon become evident. Learn to exploit that to your advantage. For now, find out
what she wants.

At this stage, your STBX's "wants" are potential bargaining chips that can be exchanged later for things of importance to you, like property division/alimony.

Above all, never give her your children. They are not bargaining chips!! They are non-negotiable!! This is not open for discussion!! Stick to your guns!!

1) NEVER give, nor agree to give, anything to your STBX unless:
a) the judge orders it.
b) you get something of significance in return.
c) you get it in writing.
d) you get it from your attorney.

Remember at this stage, ANY converstion, agreement, or discussion MUST go through your attorney. No matter how much you hurt, never let your STBX back into your comfort zone.

2) Keep a list of everything you give to your STBX. Use items on that list as bargaining chips later on.

During the course of your marriage, giving freely to your wife was second nature. You never thought twice about it. Today however, she is something other than your "wife." Nevertheless, she still expects this "arrangement" of giving to continue. Worse yet, court professionals
think this way too. You've gotta be careful.

For example, if you give her "this" today, tomorrow she'll ask for "that." She'll nickle and dime you for every "little thing," one piece at a time. It'll never end. Before you know it, she'll have all your "bargaining chips" and you'll have nothing. BEWARE of this trap. You need to terminate this practice immediately. There's a time for property division. That time isn't
now. NEVER GIVE YOUR STBX ANYTHING!! Stick to your guns.

Remember, bargaining chips are very important. Individually, they may seem insignificant. Collectively however, and when "cashed in" at the right time, they WILL make a difference. If a bargaining chip has value for her, then it CERTAINLY has "value" for you. Never forget that.

Nevertheless, "IF" you must give her anything, make her sign a receipt for it. Think if it as an "advance" in property settlement. Be sure to list the item's "replacement cost." That receipt is now a bona-fide "document." Use it later as a bargaining chip when you divide community property. When the time is right, you can make her pay dearly for all those "little
things" she took in advance.

"Cardinal Rule" No 7....... YOU FILE FIRST!! This is of the utmost importance.

For starters, you are forever the plaintiff and she's the defendant. That's a good thing. You get the opening shot. You design the playing field. You've got the momentum.

1) The secret is:
a) do not relent.
b) Maintain the upper hand.
c) Set the rules of the game.

Remember, there's no guarantee that you'll prevail on every issue. But it's much better than starting the game on her terms.

2) A good lawyer is essential.

3) It's extremely important to you know want and that you are in a position to direct the outcome.

HOWEVER, file ONLY when you've got a solid game plan, and ONLY when you're ready. In other words, you pick the fight, when and where, on your terms. You want "home court advantage."

Surprise is everything. If you catch her off-guard, your STBX will be playing "catch-up" 'til trial, and beyond. THAT'S THE WHOLE IDEA!! If you're thoroughly prepared, and follow-through on details, she'll never catch up.

Remember, if you get temporary custody at this stage, and if you've done your homework, and if everything goes according to plan, your chances for permanent custody are virtually assured. All this of course, depends on your attorney, your journal, the thoroughness of your strategy/game plan, and your commitment to active case management. Meanwhile.....

Get complete information on your STBX and children: Full names, aliases, maiden and nick names, other names used; dates and places of birth/death; Social Security numbers; Driver's License numbers; etc.

Get every document you can think of. Leave no stone unturned. Some documents will be difficult, if not impossible to get. If/when you get stuck, move on. Do your research well in advance, BEFORE you separate. If you are thorough, you'll reap huge dividends at trial.

Store ALL documents in a safe deposit box in your name only. These include:

1) Tax returns for the last several years.
2) Marriage license; pre-nuptial agreement.
3) Documents from your STBX's previous marriage/divorce.
4) Birth/death certificates.
5) Passports, green cards, immigration documents.
6) DMV record(s); criminal history.
7) Thorough background check on your STBX. Hire a PI if necessary.
School records; college/high school diploma(s); transcript(s).
9) Medical and life insurance policies; will(s).
10) Deeds; titles; leases; contracts.
11) Bank statements; stocks, bonds and securities.
12) Retirement, pension, IRA, 401K, Keogh.
13) Credit report.
14) Family photos; heirlooms.
15) STASH YOUR CASH!!

Make sure you have passwords/access codes to ALL computers, bank accounts, credit cards, etc. Try them out. Make sure they work. Reset computer passwords with new software.

Get the following for your children:

1) Recent photos of your children, in clothes they typically wear.
2) Documentation of their physical descriptions.
3) Social Security, Student Body, and State ID cards.
4) Medical history, related info, and documents.
5) Immunization records.
6) Health history and/or special needs.
7) History of behavioral issues.
History of prescription medication.

CONTACT INFO for STBX and children: friends; extended family; service providers, doctors; school, counselors, day care; etc. If your STBX runs off with your kids, you'll need to track them down.

STBX's previous marriage and children:

1) Is she getting alimony and/or child support? How much? Paid by who?
a) Can she get alimony re-instated from her previous ex?

2) What was the value of her property settlement? What did she bring into your marriage?

3) Were any of her past debts serviced during the course of your marriage?

Remember, issues like these can, and do make a difference in property settlement. More importantly, this info might show "bad faith" or "intent." In other words, is your STBX is using marriage as a means of embezzlement or early retirement? Are you her next target?

STBX's school & job info:

1) Level of education/continuing education.

2) Current level and duration of employment/unemployment/underemployment/non-employment status.
a) Salary history and benefits package.
b) Career path.
c) Job skills.
d) Anticipated raises and/or promotions.
e) Anticipated career/job change.

3) Document willingness, or lack thereof, to become employed, better employed, or otherwise permanently self-sustaining.
a) You want to minimize potential alimony and child support as much as possible.

INVENTORY:

Take inventory of everything you own. List the difference between "cash value" and "replacement cost." There is a difference!! Back-up your written inventory with videos, pictures, and appraisals. Store everything in a safe place.

COMMUNITY ASSETS: Are they greater than you think? Where did it all go?

Before, or during your marriage, did your STBX set up any form of "asset protection" where she is named beneificiary? Remember, assets could be in her name or under an alias. Perhaps a friend, a relative, a bank, or an attorney has assets "buried" for your STBX under an alias, or within a corporation? These are all good places to hide marital assets:

1) Real estate.
2) Stocks, bonds.
3) LLC's, corporations, trusts.
4) Businesses; ventures. partnerships.
5) Off-shore holdings; bank accounts; investments.

WASTING MONEY:

During the course of your marriage, did your STBX, or did your STBX force/insist that you:

1) Give/< edited > away monies, assets, or property of any kind?
2) Did she waste money on herself? eg: college, clothes, jewelery, or cosmetic surgury?
3) Did she spend money on an outside relationship?
4) Did she waste money on a home business?
5) Did she forge your signature on any checks or documents?
6) Did she waste money on failed drug/alcohol treatment?

Remember, issues like these make a difference in property settlement.

ASSETS:

Make a thorough list of assets, equity, debt, monthly income, and expenses. List everything, including names that appear on each document. Don't forget student loans and day care. Your list must include: current values; dates of acquisition and purchase price; payment and income history (paid by/earned by who?). Your list must be exhaustive!!

Note: Any debt acquired during your marriage is a community debt. A student loan however, is more complicated. In essence, you are taking an "asset" with you and leaving a debt behind. If you anticipate paying child support and/or alimony, you could argue the increased income is a
direct result of this asset. It is therefore simultaneously captured thru the debt, ie; your greater income potential would not be possible without the accompanying debt. Obviously, the other side will argue for higher support and leave you with your mountain of student loan debt
at the same time. In other words, they want it both ways. Chances are,the judge will agree.

Real estate: Purchase price; equity; down payment; mortgage balance; monthly payment; maintenance; improvements; etc. Get your house appraised. Apply for refinancing. The numbers won't be equal. Such differences can be significant in property settlement.

Also include: Vehicles; boats; RV's; condo time shares; business/partnership interests/equity; credit cards; stocks & bonds; bank and investment accounts; jewelry and other items of value; etc.

Don't forget: Debts; gifts; inheritance; any type of "windfall;" lottery winnings; etc.

Meanwhile, STAY FOCUSED FROM THE BEGINNING.

1) DIG IN AND FIGHT DIRTY. THIS IS WAR!! THERE ARE NO RULES!!
a) If you take the "high road," you will lose.
b) If you compromise, you will lose.

2) Once you file, keep the heat on. NEVER let up on your STBX.
a) It's up to you to maintain momentum and keep pressure on your STBX "CONTINUALLY." Your attorney can't possibly do this for you. This is your fight, and yours alone.

3) Filing first sets the tone for the entire process.
a) The chances of winning or losing depends "SIGNIFICANTLY" upon who files first.
b) Filing first gives you distinct advantage. You control the high ground.
c) NEVER compromise your position nor your advantage.

4) As D-Day approaches:
a) Entice your STBX to voluntarily leave, WITHOUT THE KIDS. Bribe her if necessary.
b) While she's gone, clean out the house, take the kids, and file your court documents.

5) The moment D-Day arrives, you become "THE TERMINATOR."
a) You instantly change from Dr Jeckyl to Mr Hyde. No more Mr Nice Guy.
b) NEVER show mercy. Take no prisoners.
c) This is war!! NEVER LOOK BACK!!

6) File your family court documents with the court clerk. Be sure the clerk date-stamps your documents. Then:

7) Go immediately to ex parte.
a) Get a temporary restraining order against your STBX.
b) Get temporary orders for "exclusive occupancy" of your house. That means your STBX gets gets evicted from your marital residence.
c) Get orders granting you temporary sole custody of your kids. Say she is unfit and a risk to the kids due to ___________ (you think of something).
d) Get temporary orders for supervised visitation.
e) Get orders for temporary child support and temporary alimony.

8) Give copies of your restraining order to the school, daycare, your employer, etc.
a) Notify anyone involved with your kids that you have a restraining order against your STBX.

9) Change all locks and alarm codes on your house and car.
a) Change passwords on everything, especially on bank and credit/debit cards. Deny your STBX access to any form of money.

10) Get a vicious dog that barks at your STBX.
a) That'll keep her from snooping around when you're not home.
b) Reward him to reinforce that behavior.

11) Get a new, unpublished phone number. Route all mail to a new PO Box.

12) Have your STBX's mail stopped.
a) Return her unopened mail to sender.

13) Remove your STBX's name from your health, life, vision, and life insurance policies.

14) Remove your STBX's name as beneficary from your retirement accounts.
a) Remove your STBX's name as beneficary from your will.

15) Inform companies with whom you do business that you want new passwords on your accounts; insurance, bank, etc. Instruct them that passwords must be used before releasing information or changing anything.

16) REMOVE ALL cash from joint accounts.
a) Close all joint credit card accounts.
b) If any accounts are in your name, but where she is authorized, cancel her.

17) Remove your name from the title and insurance for any car your STBX drives.
a) Remove her name from the title and insurance for any car you drive.
b) NEVER ALLOW your STBX to drive any car that is in your name.
c) NEVER be responsible for your STBX's driving behavior. From now on, she's a liability.

1 NEVER OFFER your STBX her clothes and/or personal necessities. Wait 'til she asks.
a) Make her sign a receipt for anything she takes. NO EXCEPTIONS!!
b) Store her personal belongings in boxes. Set them on the sidewalk where she can pick them up and leave immediately. More importantly, she'll have no reason to roam through your house.

c) Release her belongings ONLY if she signs a receipt, and ONLY if she has a police escort.

19) File charges and PROSECUTE your STBX for any domestic violence. DO NOT DROP any charges.

20) Inform your employer that you want your calls screened.
a) If your STBX calls, call the police and file a restraining order violation. DON'T EVEN THINK TWICE!!
b) Use your employer's receptionist is a witness.

Do all of the above. Leave no stone unturned. These measures set the tone 'til trial. Cut off your STBX's money and resourses early in the game. Do anything and everything that hinders her bid for custody. THIS IS WAR!! NEVER LOOK BACK!!

MEANWHILE: Focus on the basics. Fine-tune your game plan. Work on strategy. Keep it simple.

Don't forget, ALWAYS HAVE A CONTINGENCY PLAN for everything (Plan B)

Get your financial house in order. Clean out/close out everything, especially joint accounts. Take "convenience" out of purchasing. This includes credit cards, on-line purchasing, and other "lines-of-credit" you've established over time. This vicious cycle must be broken.

Except for essentials, don't buy anything. If you must buy, pay with cash. Pay all bills the old-fashioned way. Write a check and drop it in the mail. Keep a record of bills that get paid.

"IN YOUR NAME ONLY" - Route all mail to a new PO Box. Get a new cell phone. Keep it secure. Use it for "IMPORTANT" business only. Open savings and checking accounts at a different bank. Get a new safe deposit box to store cash, valuables, and documents. Open new Visa & Mastercard accounts. Use them only for "EMERGENCIES." Get a line of credit as large as you can. Rent a storage locker to stash large items of value. Remember your inventory? Manage it closely. Get new passwords for everything, including credit cards, PC, & ATM.

STASH YOUR CASH in your new safe deposit box. Another option is to open a "secured" Visa/Mastercard account. The bank takes $XXXX.00 from one account deposits it in an interest-drawing "trust." Meanwhile, use the credit card as usual up to the secured dollar amount. You can deposit additional funds as they become available. This/these transaction(s)
don't "appear" on bank or credit card statements. There's just less cash in your account.

MOVING ON - Convert what you can to cash. Think, "D-O-W-N-S-I-Z-E." Sell everything. Pay bills and reduce debt as much as possible. Save all receipts and bills of sale. You may need to account for everything later.

THIS MEANS: Cancel subscriptions and non-essential services. Cash in stocks and bonds. Sell the Lexus, the Suburban, the RV, and the boat. Sell your time shares for the condo, jewelery, china, and silverware. Include anything and everything you can think of. That means "boy's
toys" too. You're not gonna have time for them once the proceeding begins.

Before selling your house, convert your equity into cash by refinancing. You're gonna need it. Remember, there's no guarantee that a sale will occur any time soon. For that matter, there's no guarantee you'll get your asking price. Furthermore, with commissions, taxes, fix-up and
misc expenses, your equity could dwindle to something far less than you expected. It's best to cash out while you can.

The idea is to liquidate what you can ahead of time, while you have time. You won't have that luxury later. The time to sell is BEFORE you really have to. If you wait 'til the last minute, you'll be selling at a deep discount.

Keep plenty of cash on hand so there's no paper trail. You'll need this for "emergencies." For starters, earmark $10K for attorney fees and court expenses. Expect to need more later.

YOUR JOB:

Now is a great time to consider career options. They may be offered at work, or you may have to be creative: early retirement; continuing education; sabbatical; voluntarily lay-off/termination. Collect unemployment, severance package, restructure your career path. Do anything to minimize gross pay and maximize time spent getting prepared.

Postpone raises and promotions (if possible). Get your employer to tuck away a percentage of your salary where it can't be touched. Think, "asset protection." The idea is to minimize child support and alimony payments. You can return to your career path when this is over.

You may want to cash out your retirement/401K. Your STBX is gonna get half. You may as well get the other half. Your "rainy day" is here.

I know this sounds like a lot. It is. There's a lot at stake. Remember, the war starts the moment you file. Once you file, all hell's gonna break loose. You'll barely have time to keep up with details that follow, much less play "catch-up" or track down any of the above.

Rule of thumb = Preparation means everything

LOCK AND LOAD!! NEVER GIVE UP!! NEVER LOOK BACK!!

Although I consider my knowledge of family court to be extensive, I could never have compiled such a vast body of information alone.

My primary purpose in writing The List was to compile a "scattered" body of information into a single composition, something with a "voice," something that would make "perfect sense" to a battered population of fathers in the throes of divorce. I wanted fathers caught in a hopeless situation to have hope.

Secondly, I wanted to provide "tools" whereby fathers could actively manager their case. Such information is either hidden or deliberately made unavailable to fathers who are crippled by a gender abusive system.

Third, I wanted to expose gender bias, the true terror of every family court setting. Indeed, until the evil of this judicial junta is exposed, nothing will change.

The List is nothing more than a "rough draft." Nevertheless, The List in it's current state is well worth sharing. I believe if The List helps even one father, my efforts will have been worth while. In reality, I have received resounding acclimation from many who visit dadsdivorce. In other words, The List is a hands-on guide that works.

Having said that, I'll say this. If divorce is in your future, you're about to discover how/why "rebuttable presumption" applies exclusively to you. Truth is, you're facing a gender-biased system like no other. Unless you settle out of court, you'd just as well give your STBX everything she wants and save yourself a lot of time, trouble, and money. If you're a contender however, it behooves you to be attentive to what follows. It'll make a world of difference both now, and at trial.

It goes without saying, divorce is for keeps. Either you fight to the death or else lose everything. Those are the choices. Remember, once the decree is signed, each term and condition is set in stone. Regardless of what others tell you, there's no second chance. That's why it's imperative to get a good start. Hopefully, that good start will result in a good finish.

The List provides hands-on strategies for winning. Without it, your chances of winning are slim to none. At the very least, you'll come out a helluva lot better than had you not applied The List at all.

The List is based upon personal experience combined with experiences of others who've been thru Family Court. The information provided is based upon what works, what really works, and what'll set you up to win. Conversely, The List also tells what doesn't work, what really doesn't work, and what is certain to set you up for failure.

Those of us from pre-internet days will recall an era when fathers were at the mercy of attorneys and the Family Court system. For those of us who dared, pro se became the option of necessity.

The system today however, is very well-entrenched, more so than ever. But with the advent of internet, today's fathers can get the kind of help we couldn't have imagined.

Granted, there are web sites that claim to offer help. Tragically however, few provide useful knowledge for fathers in trouble. If you're looking for fluff, you won't find it here. The information contained in The List is useable. More importantly, it's doable.

No attorney will provide The List's information for you. In fact, he may dissuade you from considering any of the following. Regardless, your only chance of winning is by applying The List's principles to your situation. This is your job, and yours alone. With stakes this high, you'd be foolish to ignore The List's content or allow anyone to perform these tasks for you.

If you're a dad facing a contested divorce, your only priority is to fight with everything you can muster. It's gotta be all or nothing!! Other priorities from henceforth no longer exist. BE FOREWARNED!! This is the most important war you'll ever wage. Your opponent is formidable. Indeed, family Court is more than your worst nightmare. It's hell on earth.

For starters, you must understand only one thing. The Family Court system is dominated, controlled, and otherwise regulated by man-eating feminists. They are part and parcel of a gender-biased branch of government that wields at-will discriminatory authority. As you will discover, they are contemporary social engineers of the highest order. Their job is to fabricate lies, put a spin on truth, and separate you from your children. Except for mother's benefit, state statutes have zero relevance. Unless you're thoroughly prepared, the judge will order whatever they want. This isn't the Twilight Zone. This is Family Court!!

Having said that, I'll say this. If you play Mr Congeniality or fail to prepare, the other side will rebut you out of fatherhood and into poverty. This is my only guarantee. Other than that, there are no guarantees.

By definition, the other side is everybody but you. Generally, this applies to your STBX. However, it also applies to the judicial junta that supports her. This junta is staffed with little Hitlers. They're gangsters and you're trespassing on their turf. They use a tag-team strategy like no other. Their collective goal is to encircle you and compel you to submit to their outrageous terms. Faultless parenting on your part means nothing to these thugs. Your one alternative is preparation. Indeed, is preparation is the only thing!!

If you're not thoroughly prepared, they'll establish psychological advantage early in the first quarter. They'll have you dancing to their tune. They'll have you trapped in their hall of smoke and mirrors. They'll surprise you at every turn. They'll maintain a full-court-press and force you to submit to less-than-favorable terms.

This is not where you want to be. If it is, your children will be out of your life forevermore. When all is said and done, your role as a father will be reduced to that of "visitor." For all intents and purposes, your parental rights will be terminated. This is no lie. I speak from first-hand experience.

With that in mind, it is absolutely essential to build a strong case early in the game. This is no time for compromise. It must be all or nothing. This requires 100% effort: dedication; networking; (pro)active planning; (pro)active case management; endless research. Preparation is everything!! Failing to prepare is preparing to fail. I trust we are clear thus far.

Finally, The List is no mere body of suggestions. Additionally, it's neither conclusive nor exhaustive. Instead, treat it as a manual of do's and don't's. Although this sounds like an oxymoron, Family Court is an oxymoron all its own. It's a venue where things are not as they seem. Its purpose is to deceive you at every turn. That's why you must be prepared and stay on your toes. None of this is rocket science. However, it does take some getting used to.

The important thing is to follow The List in principle. Its purpose is to empower you with a mindset for victory. It's a guide that'll help you think, ask hard questions, and be prepared. Your job is to decide what works and what doesn't. When you discover something that works, it's imperative that you use it to your advantage. In other words, use The List as a guide to build a list of your own.

The List's most important theme however, is that you stay on your toes, watch your back, and never give up. Moreover, never trust your STBX or anyone associated with Family Court. Your job is to perpetually anticipate other side's next move and prepare accordingly.

At the onset, your most critical strategy is to create opportunities out of virtually nothing and leverage them into something significant, namely advantage. The idea is to compound opportunity upon opportunity. As new opportunities are generated, your advantage becomes exponentially leveraged. The trick however, is to maintain that advantage, thereby forcing your STBX to perpetually play catch-up. Ideally, she should never catch up. If she can't catch up, she has no time to prepare for court. If she's not prepared, your chances of winning are enhanced significantly. This is the recipe for your quest to victory. I trust we are clear thus far.

Tom Kirkpatrick
Author of The List

[blueeyes]

i do not have  50/50  visit time with my daughter .. i made the mistake  of feeling sorry for the mother during  court . she wanted to go back to her country and take my daughter  i took her to court and wound up having her stay here and cannot take my daughter without my permission. at the time i opted for visits every other weekend. and alternating holidays and birthdays. she lives 60 miles away and to go to court  over some of what i would call trivial stuff is so difficult because i miss about 4 days of work in the process. i pay 17% of my salary for child support and 87% of daycare . i dont even have the money to travel to court  after my living expenses its a horrible situation  but i have tried my best to deal with it as best as i can. like i sadi before i do not believe she is a bad mother but she has some issues and its almost impossible to try to talk to her about them without a fight on the phone with my daughter listening  saying "mommy dont yell at daddy" i just hang up when that stuff goes on because i do not want to cause my daughter any extra stress. but i am really at a loss of things to do that can be helpful to me and my daughter



it better to live on your feet than to die on your knees

[FIRM]

Your emotions are certainly not, atypical...

The problem is, is that no one can help you...

You certainly don't want someone or me calling her up and telling her that she is a bad person discussing things with or in front of the child in a grown up and/or alienation mode or manner.

Without both parties involved, a psych is not to useful to except to tell you how to handle your emotions in such a situation.

Since you think she is a "good mother" despite what you have already stated about her (and that is not too complimentary), I am not sure what you are asking for...

I can tell you this:

STOP HANGING UP ON HER!

Why?  Because if you read the above, you are merely playing into her hands and eventually, she WILL get permission to leave the country with the children (she can leave whenever she wants-but the children have to stay).

I am not saying to not end the conversation.  I am merely stating to control your emotions and if you must end the conversation, do it nicely and if you have to say something, indicate (not scream) that when she is ready to discuss things, to call you back.  Then gently let her know that you "have to go" and she can call you back later and/or discuss things the next time that you call.

I hope that you read my first post.  I hope that you do the things in the post.  Otherwise, you will be SOL when and/or if she takes YOU back to court.

Not easy.

Not fair.

Just the way it is.

Good luck,

Eric

P.S.:  If you follow my original post, you will have enough ammunition over time to gain 50-50 or close to it.  What most people don't understand is that 50-50 can be done long distance and does not necessarily mean every other week.  You can obtain 50-50 (short of 10-15 days a year) by merely utilizing the vacations, holidays and etc. of your school district/system...

[blueeyes]

ill re read what you first posed and go from there thank you  for all the help.............a very frustrated dad

[gipsy]

My case was in this phase when My son was a similar age !
  What I learned .  You have to verify these things from your state ,

 1;Video tape the transfers . My atty told me  to (wash state) He said It won't be likely to be used at court unless she does something really wierd < BUT It makes her realise you are serious : Secondly Everyone magcally behaves when they are on candid camera > I taped, the BS subsided :
  2: It sounds as though your case is  in the phase where you have a court ordered parenting plan ( NOT) In the phase that the guy from FIRM Is directing you to , However If their is wierd and documentable events that you can get your hands on Don't let them slip away > Like if the suicide attempt is documentable try posting on Socrareasers board about how to get  documents if you know there was treatment or hospitalisation
  3  My opinion : You are in a problem management stage ( Not custody trial stage ) Again Still keep track of whens and where's , But there probably isn't much to document untill mom breaks the court order or does something that is a danger ot the child or breaks the law , But living 60 miles away how are you going to document !
 4 Here's how I handle My psycho period > I DON'T TALK TO HER ;
   Why we think we need to co-parent for every other weekend visits is beyond me ! These types feed off of  DRAMA ! ; And when I just say hello to my son and turn away from her she has nothing to make drama about < And this is best for My son " Trust me I kknow a number of people that have been through this , And I don't believe they really can poisen the mind of the children against us : I believe they have a chance if you involve yourself in the conflict ,
   I took the advice of professional counselor's out side the court and do what they say <
  Thats ::: Be nice and love my son
  : Don't bad mouth the mother
   Tell my son " I know mommy say's things and thinks things like she tells you " But " I love you and you can see that those things don't really go on over here "  
  The results I see are my son feels comfortable around me and If you do quiet play with them they will eventually talk , Just don't force it . And be your childs friend
   But Mostly If I do not talk to the mother things are better ! You two have some water under the bridge and this takes time ;
 I had to take my sicko to court many times < And they will learn . that the visits will happen or court : period "
  If My psycho quit the crap your's will to ' I think those of us on this site are here because we get involved with women that have problems ,
 There are many numbers of people I have met that never put the kids in the middle of there divorce < It takes a real sicko to do what they do .
  So quit thinking you are dealing with a normal mind your not !
  I also believe My psycho got back on her prozac ; I'm Not sure why ,
    FOREMOST . All the crap she say's to you has noting to do with court period and it will not stop your visits :
    Her accusations about your girl friend are typical < Bet ya didn't know But My psycho did exactly the same thing , Now you get My atty's advice for free through me : Ignore it" if she doesn't provied the child on the court ordered dates : File contempt" ,
 "Don't deviate from the parenting plan ",
 At least for some time .  And If you want to pull a trick that I did , Agree with her to let her have one of your  day's . Then go tell your atty she is in contempt .
  My atty would not file contempt . Because he was just that way , But he did get me a makeup day By talking about it at a n different court appearance . And she learned that I can play tricks also !
 All this crap she say's does drive us nuts > I know BTDT , But as in My case it meant nothing " It's not worth worrying about " Don't talk about it to her ! Just tell her You have a parenting plan and if she doesn't go by it there will be results . And You damn sure better follow through if she messes up or you teach her your words mean nothing "
   My best conversation with psycho
   After she messed up
   ME : See ya at court "
  Her : I know you will
   And she did : Many times now she doesn't mess with me except for the BS your are talking about comes up occasionaly , And just deny it

[blueeyes]

thank you for  all the fedback

yes my daughters mother is a mother who just likes to cause drama , i cant live with it  so we split up over 2 years ago . i have documented the suicide attempts, even had my attorney, use it in court during the trial over the order of protection.  during that time she brought out some wild allegations about me giving my daughter an STD  i was so shocked that she would even bring something like that  to the table over an order of protectionwhich after  supeona documents from my daughers doctors were as i knew  false.  i now have an order of protection against her that she cant come near me  or talk to meby phone  about anything except my daughter. but during the conversations (and they start off normal)she flips and says crazy things to get into arguements  with me .
i have learned the hard way to try to  keep conversation to a minimum and most of the time i have done a good job at it . i have stood my ground and i do get visitation every other weekend. along with holidays  fathers day etc but sometimes she pulls a fast one and at the last minute  asks me to trade a weekend.my daughter and i  have a wonderful relationship i shower her with love and atention. and i dont ever say a bad thing to her about her mother  in fact i have encouraged my daughter to understand that her daddy loves her and that her mommy loves her too. and a few times when my daughter has told me  "mommy says  dadys girlfriend hates her". we have shown her by words and by action that that is not the case  my daughter gets along well with my girlfriend  and i spend quality time with her together with my girlfriend. i have felt that the mother is just jealous that another woman is in her life. i keep visits with my daughter  nuturing ,playful and as educational as i can. my daughter seems to understand when i have converations about her mom with her . i feel so bad that she is in the middle so like i said i try to create a loving  environment  when she is here with me ...i hate being a father so far away, but i am learning to accept it until i am ready to take more action...............