DYFS - CPS (help please)

[singledad321]

I am a divorced father who shares custody 50/50 of a 6 year old girl.  I fought really hard to get equal parenting, and it means a lot to me.

A few weeks ago, my daughter told her mother that she gets in my bed some nights.  It is usually if she has a bad dream or gets scared in the middle of the night.  Most times I carry her back to her bed after she falls asleep again, but sometimes I fall back asleep before I get a chance to carry her down.  This is all perfectly innocent.  I love my daughter, and I will do whatever I can to comfort her.  I would never do anything to her, and it is nothing that would even be glanced at if I was married.

So her mother tells her that she shouldn't sleep with me because DYFS (we are from NJ - CPS in other states) will take me away and never let her see me again.  Then her mother tells her to tell me this.  I think this is a misguided attempt to help me, but it still made me a bit angry and scared.  My girl has been very upset about this and worried that she won't be allowed to see me anymore.  She cries about it alot.  She has been blinking her eyes alot lately that an opthamologist told me is due to stress.

Last week, when my daughter was in the nurse's office getting weighed and measured, her principal was in there too.  So my daughter tells the principal about it.  She has been so worried about it that she wanted the principal to know that everything is fine.  The principal asked her if she goes in my bed to feel safer, and she told her yes.

Now I am terrified that I will be reported for abuse.  My time with my daughter means so incredibly much to me, and I am so scared that I am going to lose it.  I feel like I can't do what any good father would do and make his child feel safe and loved.  I am even worried about giving her hugs and kisses.

Do I need to worry about DYFS knocking on the door?  Is this something that a school would report?  I'm sure it is but I'm hopeful anyway.  What can I do to protect my daughter and our relationship?  Would they come and take her away for this?

[unclebuck]

I think the best thing to do is for both you and your daughter to talk to your ex. Have your daughter explain why she sometimes sleeps with you. My son is 9 and he sometimes sleeps with me AND my wife when he is scared. Nothing wrong with that.

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

Yes, you should worry about DYFS knocking on your door, but not for the reason you're thinking.  If it's true that your ex told that to your daughter, your ex is probably capable of reporting false things about your home.

I suggest you buy the book "Elusive Innocence" by Dean Tong.  It's much better to know how to handle a false accusation far before one is ever made.  You'll know how to immediately defend yourself and handle any investigation.

The principal and teachers are all mandatory reporters.  They must report suspected abuse.  I'm not sure how you know the precise conversation between the principal and your daughter, but the fact that the principal asked if it helps the daughter feels safer sounds like the principal was trying to assess if it was normal parental nurturing or forced molestation sort of thing.

What you describe of your situation is normal parental nurturing with a young child.  As long as neither of you are naked, and if the behavior stops as she grows older, I wouldn't worry about it.

Finally, you may want to find a good child psychologist to see your child.  You said that she's "very upset" and has been diagnosed with stress symptoms via the eye blinking.  Perhaps a therapist can help her deal with her troubles.

Good luck.

[singledad321]

Thanks for the encouragement and advice.

Yes, my ex is more than capable of making false claims.  That is what has been worrying me.  I think she would hesitate to do so though, because she is far from a saint and would likely get investigated too.  For instance, they live in a 2 bedroom home, but she rented out the second bedroom.  So my daughter sleeps on a cot in her mother's room.  She had a live in boyfriend for about a year who she told our child was her "stepdaddy", and he slept in the bed next to the cot.

I know the conversation from what my daughter told me.  We have a very good relationship together, and she feels comfortable talking to me about most things.  She is fiercely loyal to me, and probably told the principal in hopes of protecting me.

I don't feel wrong or bad about anything I have done.  We don't lie around naked together, and I don't encourage her to sleep with me.  But she knows if she is upset or scared that she can come to me for comfort and security, something she doesn't feel when with her mother.  She has told me so just not in those words.

I also want her to see a psychologist.  She needs to work some things out.  But her mother won't allow it.  That would make her look like a bad mother, and she won't allow that either.  The doctor told us if she continues the blinking into December that we should see a specialist.  Maybe then I can get her to agree to some therapy.

[CustodyIQ]

If you have 50/50 and joint legal, then just go ahead and schedule the appt for the psychologist during your custodial time.  Inform the mother in writing (e.g., email) 24-48 hours prior to the appt, and explain your concerns in a very concise manner about why you've scheduled the appt.  Invite her to attend.

Let her try to contempt you, which is the worst that she can do.  If your daughter is exhibiting signs of stress (as you describe), no judge is going to find it unreasonable that you sought professional help.

I think worst thing that will happen for you is that you may pay for the entire amount of the counseling, if mother refuses.

[singledad321]

See there lies the problem.  We have joint legal, but officially our order sets the time at about 60/40 in her favor.  We went through some counselling after the divorce and agreed to do 50/50, but we never put anything on paper.

She had some graphic pictures of herself on the web next to pictures of our daughter.  I was sickened and enraged at the sight of that and I tried to get her to remove them.  I sent an anonymous letter to the school she works at figuring they would make her take it down.  It was a stupid thing to do, and I regret sending that letter, but it was the only action I could see to protect my daughter.  I don't want to bring DYFS into this.  I don't like the way that she takes care of our child, but I don't want their relationship ruined either.  

A couple of weeks after that I found out that she was almost fired for it, and I felt very guilty.  I still feel bad about it.  So I admitted that I did it, and even called her bosses to clear things up and explain to them.  Then a week went by and this starts.

I have a feeling that this is revenge, and I'm worried that she will try to take time away from me.  Although the 50/50 schedule benefits her life and schedule, I think she might try to change it out of spite.

I tried to talk to her rationally tonight when she called to talk to our daughter.  She just kept saying, "I'm not responsible for any of this.  If she is stressed or upset it is because of your behavior.  If you really cared about her, you'd change your behavior."  Then grilled our girl when they got on the phone together.  She told her mom that she didn't sleep with me and woke up in her own bed.  I heard her so "No I really did wake up in my bed.  No I'm not lying.  I did."

On Friday I am going to talk to the principal and say that my daughter has been very upset lately because someone told her that DYFS is going to take her away and that she spoke to the principal because she was worried.  Worst case, I'll have to contact a lawyer.

My heart is just racing and aching with worry and concern.  Worry for what will happen to my relationship with my daughter and concern for what this is doing to my daughter.

[ocean]

If you have joint legal, then you can bring her to the therapist on your time just like the other poster said. I would also go and speak to the principal in person and let her know what you have heard and let her tell you her side of the story. If the school called CPS you would have been contacted already. They usually come to the school that day. Good luck!

[dontunderstand]

In our state of WA, CPS has 24 hours to investigate sexual abuse.  DD was being sexually abuse while in DF care and she would not say the name of who so nothing was done.  I also deal with CPS on a daily basis (with work) and the abuse has to be founded.  Anyone can make an allegation.  DD would have to say yes my dad is doing x, y and Z to me.  If all is as you say it is than you have NOTHING to worry about.  It will definately be a pain in the rump, but nothing more than that...best wishes...

[joni]

I trust no one.

This is what I would do, stop letting her in your bed.  Don't trust your Ex.  Don't trust that your child can't be turned against you by your Ex.  If she comes in, take her back to her bed, sit on the floor next to her bed and give her good thoughts to go to sleep about, comfort her.  Kitties, puppy dogs, whatever.

This is why I'm cynical.

My 8 y.o. stepdaughter's mother is beating her.  Sends her to our house with bruises.  We have filed 3 reports with CPS in New York.  We have a psychological report confirming the abuse.  We have gone before the family judge, they send the child back home stating she's not in imminent danger (guess we need broken bones, bruises of hand prints on a child's back is not enough).

We're in the middle of a custody evaluation because of this.  During our fact finding, I found out last summer my stepdaughter accused me of molesting her.  Actually, mom made her say I molested her while giving her a bath.

I never found out because it was investigated, when the child was interviewed, she said I did nothing.  CPS dropped it, I never heard anything.

I was physically sick and vomiting to think this child could be turned against me out of her mother's spite and vindictiveness.  The child did it because mom was beating her and she was afraid mom would beat her if she didn't say what her mom wanted her to say.  My stepdaughter told the doctor I did this, the doctor reported me but when CPS came out, the child took it back and said nothing happened.

THANK GOD

Point being is you never know what your Ex is capable of, you never know what daughter can be made to do to you out of fear.  

You're being a great dad but remember, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

[gipsy]

 I was  accused of similar crap with My son : After what I have been through I would ask the principle to put what was said into writeing ,  I would explain to him about the mother doing what she is doing to cause trouble . And ask if there is  written report , if not Ask if he will write a report , And sign it , That way if this comes up You will have a report that you could rely on ,
  Secondly "if ' The school had any reason to believe there was any such sexual abuse they are required to report it ! So to me the letter would do two things for you , One prove what was said , Two if this was said and the school didn't report to DYFS than that shows they had no reason to believe their was abuse ,
    Next CPS in wash state  Now has the option to not investigate when their is a custody issue going on <
   So I highly recomend you think about what I say ! And post on Socrateasers board on this site ,
  Next when going through this . I two came into contact with Dean Tong,
  His book states " Do not sleep with your children alone " . I would read the book , However in my case nothing panned out for the mother and she backed out of her allegations " But that doesn't mean let this slide ,
  Also the main thing is to remmember to not let the mother scare you like this , this is meant to cause trouble ,
  I would Talk to your daughter about the truth of the situation '
   I would see if she has been interviewed . Ask if mommy has taken her any where to have some one talk to her :
   My psycho apparently took my son to some shrink or some thing , Fortunate that I explained to my son about the truth , And asked him if his mom tries to get him to say bad things about me or any thing about me ,
   I explained the best I could to him  the difference between the truth and a lie ,
  BUT don't talkl about it very much ,  this whole thing is bad for kids , But you have to talk to them
  What was really good is it seems to me my son figured out that his mother was the one causeing all the troubl;e and he said that ,
  Last but not least, keep contact with your child this is the type that will try to break contact then alienate the child with her campaign of hate !
   However try not to make this worse ,
    This type of thing is very stress full and don't react to it . I  talk to the mother very little after the stunt she has pulled , And certainly Tell her to grow up ! I have found that many parents Let thier children sleep with them . My son Likes to sleep with me when I read him his books , He wants to stay in my bed < Soo I give him his own blanket and he is on his side of the bed !
  Children are precious , And this is a terrible thing for a mother to do this , But you are dealing with a dangerous individual , I would take a cam corder and confront her with this crap and tell her to grow up . That Exactley what I did , And they don't like a cam corder in their face when you tell them this is ridicoulous , And to cut the bull ,
   Mostly post on Socrateasers board , And I would start interviewing atty's and get an opinion , Many atty's interview for free , And ask if they know any good atty's that have dealt with this type of thing , And have your ducks in a row in case she tries to get you arrested , Some women are exptemely sick and vendictive , And it would be hard to interview for a good atty while behind bars ,
 Not trying to scare you But You mat want to at least interview , You DON"T want a crappy atty if she continues this !