DH needs your help with a paper he is writing for school

[Nextmother]

The paper is about PAS and he is doing it for his Psych. class. If you all wouldn't mind answering a few questions, we would really appreciate it.

1.) How did the alienation of your child from yourself start?

2.) What kind of things did your ex do to keep your child away from you?

3.) Did you take it to court? If so, how many times have you been to court and what has been your cost so far?

4.) How has the judicial system aided the alienator in your case?

5.) What kind of untruths have been said about you in public to keep PAS alive in your situation?

6.) How much has the PAS cost you in terms of emotional distress to you, your child, and your current family?

7.) What kinds of things, if anything, did you as the alienated parent do in the beginning of your situation that may have contributed to the alienation?

8.) What do you think you could have done differently, if anything, to make the situation a little better?

Thanks in advance!!

Next and Mr. Next

[Nextmother]

The paper is about PAS and he is doing it for his Psych. class. If you all wouldn't mind answering a few questions, we would really appreciate it.

1.) How did the alienation of your child from yourself start?

2.) What kind of things did your ex do to keep your child away from you?

3.) Did you take it to court? If so, how many times have you been to court and what has been your cost so far?

4.) How has the judicial system aided the alienator in your case?

5.) What kind of untruths have been said about you in public to keep PAS alive in your situation?

6.) How much has the PAS cost you in terms of emotional distress to you, your child, and your current family?

7.) What kinds of things, if anything, did you as the alienated parent do in the beginning of your situation that may have contributed to the alienation?

8.) What do you think you could have done differently, if anything, to make the situation a little better?

Thanks in advance!!

Next and Mr. Next

[Nextmother]

We really need some help with this.

Thanks!

Next

[Peanutsdad]

1. My child was under a yr of age, but introduced to the "new man" as her daddy. He was later sent to prison on child molestation charges.

2. Refused all contact between my daughter and myself.

3. Yes, 6 times now. 8k

4. The courts aided her by demanding an overwhelming amount of evidense that my daughter was in danger, her own record of suicide attempts, and being arrested 6 times for DV was not sufficient.

5. That I callously threw the bm out of my home with no place to go. ( the police removed her for DV).

6. No way to count that cost at this time.

7. I refused to reconcile with her and remain in an abusive relationship.

8. Not get involved with her to begin with.

[Indigo Mom]

-----1.) How did the alienation of your child from yourself start?-----

When I left my abuser, he called the police.  I was charged with a felony and tossed in the slammer.  

-----2.) What kind of things did your ex do to keep your child away from you?-----

Didn't "allow" me to see my child.  Whenever I'd call, he'd then call the police and attempt (sometimes succeeding) in having me charged with "harrassment".  little f*cker.

-----3.) Did you take it to court? If so, how many times have you been to court and what has been your cost so far?-----

Just about every time.  Been in court approximately 30 times.  Cost?  Well, the total bill has been only about 12 grand....7 of it my ex attorney screwed up so bad in court that I was found not to owe her anything.  Yes, she was THAT incompetent.

-----4.) How has the judicial system aided the alienator in your case?-----

Allowed him to lie, cheat, steal, alienate.  Whatever monster said WAS the truth.  Whatever I said, I became a "vindictive, selfish" person.  In fact, when he tried to kill another girlfriend, I took it to court.  I had the police report IN MY HAND, but the Judge didn't want to see it.  He asked monster if it was true...monster said no.  My police report didn't matter...monsters word did.  

-----5.) What kind of untruths have been said about you in public to keep PAS alive in your situation?-----

"your mommy doesn't love you".  "your mommy hates you".  "your mommy is sick in the head".  "(mommys husband) wants to kill you".  "mommy doesn't want to see you".  "mommy goes to jail because she's a bad person".  honey, the list can go on and on like the energizer bunny.  He told everyone who'd listen that I "abandoned" my child.

-----6.) How much has the PAS cost you in terms of emotional distress to you, your child, and your current family?-----

I almost suicided...twice.  Then got extremely emotionally wrecked because I couldn't even do that right.  Now, we're doing ok.  My son is with me, will never see monster again.  Honestly, I can't get this whole "trust" thing going on with men.  (sorry to any man who's offended).  My son and I are going to make it.  No way in HELL am I going to let this crack head POS destroy us any more than he already has.  (ok, that's denial speaking, he has ruined our lives)

-----7.) What kinds of things, if anything, did you as the alienated parent do in the beginning of your situation that may have contributed to the alienation?-----

I sat in jail, wasn't able to see my child, so I wasn't able to "contribute" to the alienation.

-----8.) What do you think you could have done differently, if anything, to make the situation a little better?-----

Ok, I know this might sound rough...but I could have killed the bastard.  Sitting in jail, while my parents had custody would have been better than my son suffering 6 years of unbelievable, horrific abuse.

[Nextmother]

This really helps. DH especially likes that a mom replied with her experences too.

Thanks again!!

Next and Mr. Next

[Indigo Mom]

-----DH especially likes that a mom replied with her experences too-----

Why?  I'm no different than any other parent who's been through hell and back in family court.

Here's my opinion.  I understand fathers get screwed "more" because more mothers are given custody.  However, it's NOT a father thing, it's not a mother thing.  It's a non custodial parent thing.

I have met ALOT of people who've been through custody battles.  I have YET to meet an NCP (man or woman) who hasn't had their heart ripped out through their ear.  I have YET to meet an NCP(man or woman)  who hasn't been dicked around for years while their children are being used as pawns in this sick, twisted thing called custody...aka war.  

Yep, i'm a mom...but that doesn't mean diddly shit when I'm up against a monster who doesn't have one ounce of compassion for a child.   It didn't mean a damned thing in court when you have Judges who always take the easy way out (meaning, whatever the CP says is the fricken gospel)  The fact that I'm a mom wasn't an issue.  The fact that I was the only biological parent in that courthroom didn't matter, either.

It's nuthin' but an NCP thang, dearie.  

[nosonew]

(I am the sm, so answering from what I have seen)----And I've been sm since child was 4, now 14.

1.) How did the alienation of your child from yourself start?
      -BM began telling son that dad would die if he went to see him, sm was trying to kill her, sm would kill him, nobody loves him except bm, etc. etc

2.) What kind of things did your ex do to keep your child away from you?

-Refuse visistation, tell him if he went to sleep at dads house, something bad would happen so he should tell dad and me that he wanted to go home.  -Would call him when he was at our house, ask him on the phone "don't you have something you want to tell mommy?"  To which he would say "If forgot what I was supposed to say", she would remind him, "Did you tell your dad you wanted to come home because you are homesick?"  Then son would say to dad or me, "I want to go home cause I'm sick".  He was 5 at this time.  The list goes on and on, but many things like this and worse, like false allegations of sexual abuse, the child told what to say, CPS investigated and found she had coached him to say these things...on and on.

3.) Did you take it to court? If so, how many times have you been to court and what has been your cost so far?

-Have been to court approx 6 times, mainly for contempt issues.  She just got her hand slapped, but threatened by judge to change custody if she continued, all bs, because he wouldn't follow thru.  Total $ for court/attorney/mediator fees to date ----around 20,000.00 give or take a little.

4.) How has the judicial system aided the alienator in your case?

-By not making her accountable for her actions.

5.) What kind of untruths have been said about you in public to keep PAS alive in your situation?

-Not much is ever said in public, she's not big on socialization.  At least to my knowledge.

6.) How much has the PAS cost you in terms of emotional distress to you, your child, and your current family?

Can't measure it.  Child has pulled away from mom now and lives with us.  He doesn't even want to see her, except has to once in a while per court order.  I believe it has been hardest on him, and once I accepted I cannot change her behavior, only my reaction to it, it helped alot.  My ss still has alot of issues at school, occas. behavior problems, socialization problems which are just now resolving, trust issues, learning the difference between lying and telling the truth (you can't tell a 4-8 year old that you can lie and it's okay if it gets you what you want-they never learn the difference)

7.) What kinds of things, if anything, did you as the alienated parent do in the beginning of your situation that may have contributed to the alienation?

--I don't think either my husband or myself did anything to contribute to what she did, but I personally did things just to piss her off AFTER she started the crap.  In hindsite, I should have just ignored her totally, and I learned that years ago.  I don't EVER give her a reason to say anything to ss negative about me.  It's a little hard for her to state that I called her a bad name if I don't speak to her at all! (And in the past, all I have done is told her to her face she was a selfish b@tch and that she did not own this child like a piece of property)

8.) What do you think you could have done differently, if anything, to make the situation a little better?

-Well my husband could have kept his peter in his pants since it was just a one night stand!  Myself, I would have found this site (was it here in 1994?) and found a legal way to get this child out of her evil, manipulating hands long ago!!!

Maybe when he gets it done, you can offer us a look at it!

[ataloss]

I am the grandparent so responding based on my observations. My son is the alienated parent.

1. I believe the other grandparent actually started the alienation. My son and his wife have had a very rocky marriage. His wife would one minute want to "do anything" to make the marriage work and the next minute threaten him with divorce. Anytime she brought up divorce she always demanded "supervised visitation" ... this has always been the issue resulting in a contested divorce. This divorce has been off and on for over 3 years now with the past year being very intense "on". I believe the alienation started about 2 years ago, but we did not realize it was happening until early 2003.

2. She has claimed child abuse; enlisted the help of DFCS and a social worker.

3. It is currently in court. He has been to court twice. Has hired a psychologist to administer psychological tests on him (did this voluntarily ... no court order) and taken the polygraph test (also voluntarily). Cost so far has been $10,000.

4. Our attorney is very slow to file paperwork, tends to want to agree with their demands. My son has received more advice about his rights from the psychologist and chat channels than from his attorney. Yet, my research indicates this is one of the best attorneys in the area. (According to my son's psychologist, what we're experiencing is not unusual with "good" attorneys ... they tend to overload themselves). At this point my feeling is the court has aided the alienating parent by allowing the child to stay in that environment. This may change at some future point. But for now, my son has been allowed no contact for almost a year ... which means the alienating parent has had free rein to really brainwash the child (with the help of the therapist they hired that my son has had no say about).

5. We do not know what all has been said.

6. I can't even begin to say what the emotional cost has been. It has affected not only my son, but also me, my husband, my other children, my mother, my sister, etc. etc. We have NEVER had anything like this within our family ... we have been in a state of shock over the whole thing.

7. My son (and his wife) were very young ... they met in college, got involved, and she became pregnant (note: she told my son she was on birth control). Both used drugs (he used marijuana, she used cocaine), both drank heavily ... she wanted to be married, he didn't. But, instead of being honest with her, he married her (although they never lived together ... she stayed with her mom and he lived separate from her).

8. I think he should have never married her. He should have stated up front that he was not ready for marriage.

[StPaulieGirl]

1.  How did it start?  When we were still married.

2. N/A, he filed first and gave me full custody.

3.  We went to court twice.  He didn't say a word.  My attorney knew I was scared to death of him, so it was basically cut and dried.  I hate "no fault".

4.  N/A

5. Oh let's see.  I broke up daddy's happy home.  Here's a good one:  He kept calling me for recipes while we were seperated.  These recipes were developed by me because he didn't give me enough money to feed everyone, never mind the dog, cats, fish, laundry detergent, etc.  I gave him the recipes, and now I find out that he told his women that I never cooked, while he's using the recipes I made up!  

Here's another one.  He cheated on me apparently from day one.  Know why he filed first, while I was trying to figure out how to fill out the paperwork myself?  He told everyone at Northrop Grumman(Ryan Aero division) that a former coworker broke up his marriage.  He's slick, that's for sure.  He just implied, and people will jump to a conclusion.  Actually, I did meet this guy.  He set up our computer 5 yrs ago.  He came over to the house a grand total of 3 times.  Aaahhh, guess who had to call him and email him when there was a problem?  Me!  My goddamn ex was already setting me up!  I told him I was through with him in '96(long story), so he set about trying to make me look bad.  Don't ever tell an abuser that you want a divorce.  Run first, then file, if possible.

6.  See my posts on Shrink Rap.  The doctor upped my Prozac to 40 mg's because my resting pulse is 110.  It actually went down to 89 for a couple of months.  I hate Christmas :-(

7.  I didn't put him out of his misery the first time he beat me and the oldest kid.  Just kidding.

8.  See 7.

Good luck to your husband on his paper :-)