Must Move, Daughter wants to go, Mother Opposed

[JB]

Background:  I fought and won joint custody of daughter 7 years ago in Northern Utah.  Left military to parent daughter.  However, financial situation has become dire, and I've been offered a well-paying job in Northern Louisianna.  Financial situation dictates that I really have to accept this offer.  My daughter is now 14 years old.

Job is temporary (12 months) but good pay, and location is a few hours from family in Little Rock, AR and Memphis TN.  Will try to move back to UT afterwards, but only is I can secure a job (yes there is bias against non-Mormons here, but no-one admits it).  Otherwise near family or well - just anywhere if I have to.

I've actually sat down with daughter and told her that I thought it was best that she stay put for continuity of education, friends, and living situation with her mother.

Daughter insists she wants to move with me.  She gives the following reasons:

1.  She hates Utah
2.  She loves her mother but hates living with her.
3.  She hates her step-father.

What I find strange and surprising is that, like all teenagers, her peer group is everything to her. (when I was her age, if someone made me choose between friends and parent, I would have chosen friends)  My daughter is exceptionally social and loves her friends.  She has two especially close friends whom she considers her unofficial sisters, one of whom is a constant presence in my house when I have custody of my daughter.  She's pretty much an honorary second daughter.  In spite of the fact it will pain her terribly to leave her friends, she still insists she wants to move.

Her mother, of course, is having a fit - making threats to go to court, etc.  She wants me to support her to convince daughter to stay.  My daughters strength of conviction and determination if fierce, and frustrating mother.  

What to do, support daughter or suport mother?

[MixedBag]

Daughter -- at that age, she'll throw her future down the tubes.

Get permission from the courts and do that right.

Offer tons of time with the mother....

[JB]

Thank you for your reply.  I appreciate it.

>Daughter -- at that age, she'll throw her future down the
>tubes.

I'm not sure I know what that means.??


>Get permission from the courts and do that right.

Well, sure but I'm on a short timeline.  They're willing to pay generously, put they need me like right after Xmas.  No time really for courts.

>
>Offer tons of time with the mother....
 I'm willing to offer it, and fly daughter back and forth.  Truth is, daughter will not be willing to spend a lot of time at mothers.

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

I'll preface by saying I really understand everything you wrote and pondered it.  Financial stress sucks.

I applaud that you had a heart-to-heart with your daughter.

My strong advice would be...  find a way to stay put, even if it means giving up that higher pay.

If you move, your future is unknown 12 months out.

This means:

A) Your daughter loses her current friends and regular contact with mom (regardless of the relationship with mom, which you didn't describe as abusive).

B) In 12 months, your daughter may lose the friends and activities that she spent 12 months building.

C) Your daughter will have one or two disruptions to her schooling, which is bound to be a challenge on some level.


Finally, if you put the wheels in motion, it may be that mom can get temporary orders to block the move within the next few weeks... which means you'll have to go without daughter.... and that sets up mother to assume primary custody when it eventually goes to a hearing.

You're in a huge dilemna, and it's a really tough call.

But I lean towards figuring out how to survive where you are.... and in 4 years go wherever you want.

[wysiwyg]

I know that this whole situation is pretty danr tough for you and for yor daughter.  But as a mom of 4 kids the youngest 2 that are 13 and 14, and having already raised others past that age, my questions for you to investigate is why is your daughter so adamant not be with mom and WHY does she hate Step dad?  

I know these are all tough decisions but well worth thinking through and being thorough.

Just my 2 cents.

[4honor]

and willing to move to an UNKNOWN state and have to start over TWICE in 13 months....all to avoid living with their bioparent and step-parent -- I would have the child evaluated for mental or sexual abuse... but that is just me.

At this stage in her life, she should be asking to stay with cousins or friends or "anything" to stay put or that year.

You know your daughter better than any of us, but even you appear to think this is not normal for your child. Look into WHY she is not behaving "normal" about this.

[JB]

I only wish I could.  What I'm doing goes completely against my own principles.  The moral dilema is causing me a great deal of internal conflict.  I don't believe in depriving my daughter of either parent - myself or her mother.

Unfortunately, I've been trying to find a way to stay put for six years, and all I have accomplished is financial ruin.  (more accurately stated, the cost of being in my daughter's life for the last six years has been financial ruin - overall the balance is a big positive but I simply don't see a way to sustain the situation)

Here's a quote from another board that expains what the situation is here  from a business man who left the LDS church:
_________________________________________

"In Utah, Religious Affiliation matters in Business!

Interestingly enough there is actually an unspoken pecking order:

1. When given a choice.....always do business with the Active Mormon first.

2. If no Mormons exist in a needed area...It is ok to do business with someone who is not a Mormon. (You will NEVER encounter this option in Utah)

3. It is ok to do business with an inactive Mormon on a needs only basis...but avoid this option if possible.

4. Under No Condition should you ever do business with the lowest of life forms....the apostate Mormon."
__________________________________

OF course there is always the possibility of a federal civil service job, but the hiring process is very lengthy.

I've known about the temprorary restraining order tactic for some time.  The irony is that it has been the Ex-wife that has periodically threaten to move my daughter away.  I've had the paperwork on my computer ready to print out and bring to a lawyer in case she ever attempted to do so.  

If she does that, there is nothing I can do.  But the reason the Ex is so upset is because my daughter has told her that if she forces her to stay, she'll run away.  My daughter also told me last night that if we force her to stay "she has a back-up plan".  I knew she was resolved, but not THAT determined.  Apparently my daughter sees this as an opportunity to get out, and is eager to take advantage.  So now I'm worried myself.

Her mother has made an appointment for the both of us to see a psychological counselor tomorrow morning.  I find this odd since the problem is with my daughter's attitude toward her mother.  So why is the counselor not seeing my daughter?  I guess I'll find out for sure tomorrow. right now I'm guessing I'm going to get advice on how to deal with my daughter to force her to stay put.

ASIDE:  The Ex knows this counselor from her own therapy.  About 2 years ago the EX disappeared into the southern Utah desert for about 4 or 5 days and was picked up by a sheriff's helicopter wandering around dehydrated and in bad shape.  I found out from that incident she had previously attempted suicide.  Her progress in therapy, plus recent marriage (stable home life) were reasons cited by family court to deny my request for full custody.

[MixedBag]

>Daughter -- at that age, she'll throw her future down the
>tubes.

I'm not sure I know what that means.??


O.K., let me put it another way -- she's at an age where she will act out in many different ways to get what she wants -- your daughter.  (Perhaps flunking classes on purpose and stuff like that).  If she was younger, you as a parent have more time to help her recover from bad decisions.  But she's facing her high school years -- upon which college scholarships and entrances are based, and so your daughter has to be encouraged to remain focused on her future (which is grades and keeping her nose clean) right now.  

>Get permission from the courts and do that right.

Well, sure but I'm on a short timeline. They're willing to pay generously, put they need me like right after Xmas. No time really for courts.


You must make time for court, period.  Do it right even if it means coming back to the local area for a final hearing on this issue.  File the motion today.

I get that the daughter doesn't want to spend time with mother.   As a CP, I've got two daughters with a long distance father who went through something very similar.....  As they got jobs and got older, they didn't want to go see their dad and take time out.  I put my foot down and said "Nope, he's your dad and you gotta take time."  This Christmas is the last time the youngest will travel before emancipating and she's going to see dad 10 days (instead of 7) with my support.  

Let the court put tons of time in an order.  Encourage your daughter to take that time and spend it with her mother.  Then go read Soc's board where he gave advice to another parent on a similar situation.....

My EX once got mad at me and said "I'm supposed to have her for 6 weeks!"

I said "Yep, and I'll send her for 6 weeks -- but you gotta work that out with her because she doesn't want to come for 6 weeks because you're not "there" for her when she is there."  (He works 12-hour days, maybe even leaves for short business trips and never took vacation days while she was there....so she felt like even though she was there, she never saw dad anyways.)

[JB]

:)

[JB]

I'm about as sure as I can be there is no sexual abuse.  My daughter isn't the type to put up with that sort of thing.  She certainly wouldn't be quite about it.

My Ex, however, has never been very good at making a positive emotional environment, and she can be an "emotional terrorist".