Secrets?

[IceMountain]

I'm curious to know how the rest of you handle 'secrets'.  

This weekend he slipped and told me about an expensive item his mom purchased.  He said he wasn't supposed to tell 'because it costed a lot of money'.   (and probably because she just submitted a financial statement that definitely does not justify the purchase)  The only problem is that he was excited about it, so he wanted to share.  I tried to explain to him that it is not his fault he slipped and that no adult should be asking him to keep secrets, because he's just a kid.  But I don't think it helped.

Any suggestions on how to help my son not feel guilty when he slips?  (for the record, no, I am not pumping him for info)

[MixedBag]

"Remember, I don't live that way.  You can feel free to share everything with your dad."

[Troubledmom]

During the worst of the 'secrets' incidents we dealt with, I went through a conversation with the kids about good secrets and bad secrets.

We talked about good secrets being surprises that make people happy when they find out, like birthday presents or a party and it is important not to tell those secrets until it is time. Bad secrets were things that made them feel uncomfortable or hurt inside and someone could get hurt if they didn't tell.

We also talked about how sometimes someone would ask us to keep a secret we don't know for sure is good or bad because it was a secret that made us feel special that we knew the secret but we feel bad we can't share it with someone special to us. We talked about how when it was a secret like that, we would have to decide if someone would get hurt if we shared (or didn't share) the secret.

We also talked about what confidentiality is and when we had to keep something confidential and when we had to tell someone something no matter what and I let the kids know what would be confidential and what I would have to say something to someone else about when they told me.

TM

[Kboeds]

I have seen this many many times with both my daughter and my step children. It amazes me the things that parents tell their kids to keep secret in the first place. Who really cares?!

My DD would come home from her BF's and I would ask "how was your weekend?" She would just say fine. "Did you do anything?" We went to Grandmas house. I would say Cool how is Grandma doing and then DD would say why do you have to ask so many questions? It is non of your business what I do when I am with my dad and I don't like you asking questions!!

Well alright then! LOL

So what do you do? If you never ask then you don't care and if you do ask then you are asking about things that are non of your business. Including a visit to grandma's house.

My step children often "slip" as you put it and immediately cover their mouths and look at each other with their eyes wide... Opps
Then the others will step in and tell the one who slipped that, that didn't happen or that they are lying. It can be pretty messy.

So what I usually do is tell them that we already knew about what ever it is. Many times we do already know because their mom tells them not to tell us things that we already know about. It is really stupid. By telling the kids that we already knew and that it is either okay or it doesn't matter then they usually feel better about the slip and go on about their business. (One slip was my SD said something about her niece and all the kids got this scared look on their faces like they had just let a giant cat out of the bag. I asked what was wrong and SD said they weren't supposed to tell us about her. I reminded SD that they were with us on a visit when the niece was born so we already knew about her.)

BM has the kids all upset thinking they have to keep everything a secret and once the kids know we already know about that and know that the world didn't come to an end because they slipped, then things are better.

Your son is bringing up financial matters. My advice would be two things. Think about how you would feel if every purchase you made was scrutenized (sp) by the ex. The second would be don't ever use what your son has told you against his mother. If she is doing something that she shouldn't be, then it is completely up to you and your attorney to get that information. Your son would never trust you again if he knew that something he told you was used to hurt his mother.

Good luck
KB

[ilovemysd]

I'm on the NCP side, as the stepmom.  We have a rule w/ my stepdaughter that what she does with Dad stays with Dad, and what she does with Mom stays with Mom.  We repeatedly tell her that something falls under Mom's business is she "slips" as you calls it.  This is done for a very definite reason.  Each time Mom has taken Dad to court, she fills her certifications with stories that my sd has shared which either Mom twists out of shape, or sd has misunderstood in some way.  Most recently, these stories were used to accuse my husband and I of verbal and mental abuse and resulted in six months of no-contact with my sd, followed by five months of one 8 hour time period every weekend, finally culminating in every professional involved saying that there is no abuse on our parts.  And this is because my sd shares things w/her mom.  We tell her that we love to hear about her.  We love to hear about school, and her friends, and her pets.  We don't love to hear about her mom's boyfriend, or personal life, or even the ways in which Mom parents her, unless it is somehow affecting sd.  She knows that if she is being hurt, or if she is sad about something, she can and should tell us.  But telling us details puts us in a position often of flat-out contradicting Mom's parenting, and when done in the reverse, gives Mom shreds of truth with which to mount her wars.  All of the things my sd says to her are easily explainable in the right context, but when you are put into a position of constantly explaining what really happened, it has a way of making it seem like you are "spinning" things in your favor.

It is not wrong to ask the kids to allow your business to stay your business, and that their business with their other parent stay theirs.  Our counselor agrees, and has affirmed it to the sd, saying that overall, she will have less stress about the situation knowing that she doesn't have to worry about what her mom might do with information that she unwittingly provides.  The only questions really that are acceptable at the end of the visit are, "Did you have a good time?"  Otherwise, there is a real possibility that the things your ex does with your child will color the way you treat him in the future, and are also things that will be colored by the unhappiness caused by your breakup.  

My 2 cents...

[msme]

>>>"We went to Grandmas house. I would say Cool how is Grandma doing and then DD would say why do you have to ask so many questions? It is non of your business what I do when I am with my dad and I don't like you asking questions!!"<<<

In that case, you might have taken a slightly different response. Something like, Oh good, I know how much you love seeing her. I hope she is doing well. That way yu are not asking questions, just making conversation.

Good luck & God bless.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[smtotwo]

THe Las Vegas Rule

What happens here stays here.

[mishelle2]

now.. I have 2 stepchildren with 2 different bm (yes I know fun fun fun) both of the mothers tell the kids to keep secrets and when they slip, we just tell them that if its a good thing it shouldnt be a secret,and that there is nothing that we say that cant be repeated, we notice that this relieves alot of stress for the kids as they are not trying to keep everyones secrets straight.... just yesterday my dear stepson told me, gee your not as dumb as my grandma says you are.(bm's,mother.. HATES dh and I(cause shes a control freak who controls every aspect of her daughters life and we will not allow her to control us or our relationship with ss)). I about fell over laughing, I figure kids are pretty smart and if given the right information as to what is right and what is wrong that they will  figure it out for themselves and when there older looking back, it wasnt dad and I who did the secret telling trash talking, therefore no resentment towards us.

good luck

[ilovemysd]

>now.. I have 2 stepchildren with 2 different bm (yes I know
>fun fun fun) both of the mothers tell the kids to keep secrets
>and when they slip, we just tell them that if its a good thing
>it shouldnt be a secret,and that there is nothing that we say
>that cant be repeated, we notice that this relieves alot of
>stress for the kids as they are not trying to keep everyones
>secrets straight.... just yesterday my dear stepson told me,
>gee your not as dumb as my grandma says you are.(bm's,mother..
>HATES dh and I(cause shes a control freak who controls every
>aspect of her daughters life and we will not allow her to
>control us or our relationship with ss)). I about fell over
>laughing, I figure kids are pretty smart and if given the
>right information as to what is right and what is wrong that
>they will  figure it out for themselves and when there older
>looking back, it wasnt dad and I who did the secret telling
>trash talking, therefore no resentment towards us.
>
>good luck

Remember though that in many families, it is not "trash talking" that we are trying to maintain our privacy on... it is everyday events that will be twisted to insinuate that there is abuse when there is none.  Just as not all CPs are evil witches, not all NCPs are abusive...

:-)

[IceMountain]

Thank You all for your suggestions!  I knew I would get some good ideas from the forum!