Secrets?

[JLMEMT]

My X also does this.  One time when I wasn't supposed to be seeing my daughter, because X was mad at me, I brought her home from my parents house.  She said I will just tell mom that G & G brought me home and you were just making sure that I got in the house OK.  I said no, we aren't going to lie, tell her that I came to see you and brought you home.  She said, but mom will be mad.  I sad then let her be mad at me, it's not your fault.  But we are not going to lie.
She was 5 at the time.


"Teach your children to lie for you and you are teaching them to lie to you."  unknown author

[Lil527]

My stepdaughter's life at her mother's is one big secret, from what she ate for dinner, to what she did on the weekend. We find out about her playing soccer when my husband finally makes phone contact and she says she didn't get his msgs b/c she was at soccer practice. We tell her that there is nothing we do at our house with her (activities, special events) that are secret. There is nothing that we do with her that should be kept secret, otherwise we wouldn't be doing it. It is her choice whether or not she wants to tell her mother what she did with us, and it's her choice whether she wants to tell us what she does at her mother's. If I ask her something and she doesn't want to answer or has been told not to tell, then she can tell me "let's talk about something else, or I don't want to talk about it."

[melissa3]

I think secrets are ridiculous and immature. This isn't grade school! Parents need to work together to communicate and be on the same page or else the children are going to learn to use that to their advantage.

Secrets just make things uncomfortable for everybody.

[backwardsbike]

This is the most commonsensed approach I have ever heard.  Unfortunately, the "professionals" I have dealt with call it" keeping secrets".  My X uses the kids as spys.  has done it for 8 years.  My Dh is a recovering alcoholic and each and every slip over the last 8 years has made its way into a cusotody confrence to such an extent that i will never see my kids more than EOW.

I should tell you that my Dh and i have two young children and have never been investigated my CYS except for whe X called them and that was unfounded.  My Dh also had a clean child abuse clearance.

My children feel it is somehow thier duty to report each and every thing my husband says or does.

This has resulted in so much stress in our marriage that I consider it a miracle that he ever put more than two days of sobriety together.

My Dh is an excellent father to our two children and this has been documented by a custody evaluator.  But my older children of my first marriage will never know what it is to live with us becasue an ultra conservative judge listens with rapt attention when my X says, " Well, I have it on good authority that Dh's last drink was on XX/XX/XX.

Oh, I should say that X takes the children to parties at his in-laws where the adults get so drunk that the kids aren't permitted in the room.  Instead they watch the antics from the grate in the floor of an upstaris bedroom.  but none of these people are diagnosed as alcoholics, so it is OK by the judge.

My X has also allowed the children read custoy evlauation reports.  I feel in the grad scheme of things, what my X does by getting the childrent o report to him is far more damaging to the kids than any drinking my Dh ever did.

If the what happens at dad's stays at dad's and the what happens at mom's stays at mom's approach were maore widespread then I am sure my children would have had a happier, healthier childhood.

[reagantrooper]

My X tryed the "its non of your dads business what you do while your not with him" route. I squashed that idea realy quick. I made it clear that it was my business, right and duty to be in the know of everthing as it related to my kids. Just as it would be if me and my X where still together. No matter where they where, be it Moms, Gradmas , friends everywhere! Thats right I wanted to know who, what, when and who. Who came and went from Moms house, where they spent there time, who they spent there time with, Moms friends names, friends parents everthing. I also made it clear that my X was more than welcome and in fact encouraged to know the same about my home.

Of course this was brought up in Court as an example of how I was abusive and controlling. I told the Judge basicly evrthing I just typed. Its not about control its about PROTECTION of my children period!!

[davisjames]

I really hate to be the bad guy here but I absolutely DISAGREE with the theory that a child should not communicate regarding the issues at mom's/dad's.  My daughter is a big one for keeping secrets as her mom is constantly telling her "Don't tell daddy or he'll take you away from me."  I spent 3 months trying to figure out why my daughter cried every time I asked her a simple question about anything that went on during her "Mom's Time".  Something as simple as a television program she had wanted to watch caused her to break down.  Come to find out her mom's boyfriend is highly abusive and has assualted her mom with a knife on multiple occasions as well as threatened to kill her, choked her and tried to slit their dog's throat.  They recently split up but the ex has began living with them again and my daughter's mom had threatened her not to tell me.  I don't care if I make the biggest mistake of my life, I never tell my daughter not to tell her mom anything.  We are her parents and she should be able to talk to us about anything.  I would never be upset with her for telling her mom my business.  I make documentation of everything so that if my x tries to use something Haley has told her against me I can prove that she has misconstrued or misinterpreted the information.  Teaching your children to keep mom's business at mom's is only causing them to keep things bottled up inside.  I would suggest talking to your son and telling him that he can talk to you about anything.  Explain to him that you love him and that you aren't going to be mad at his mom about silly things.  If the time comes that one of these secrets causes you to take legal action then explain to your son that you are only concerned for his safety and well being and that you will do your best to work this situation out with his mommy.  If the situation doesn't affect your son, and his mom's expenditures probably don't, then don't even bother making an issue out of it.  That has worked wonder's with my daughter.  I also suggested that she see a counselor in order to work out some of the things that she has bottled up inside.  She has been told to tell so many lies she doesn't even remember what she told us the week before.  SECRETS are not the way to handle anyone's business.

James

[Tennessee Dad]

KB said "why do you have to ask so many questions? It is non of your business what I do when I am with my dad (or mom, in my case) and I don't like you asking questions!!"

That must be in the divorced parent's handbook, because it is exactly the same thing I have heard from my daughter.  

Our stance is this:  there is NOTHING going on in our house that you cannot tell Mom.  If we punish you, tell your Mom.  If we argue, tell your Mom.  If someone does something to hurt your feelings, tell your Mom.  But tell her the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.  PLEASE tell her WHY we punish you; WHAT we were arguing about, and HOW it was resolved; how WE responded to someone hurting your feelings.  

This life is extremely hard on the kids, without feeling like they have to "hide" a big part of their lives, from their parent, no less.  Finally had to sit daughter down one night the week, and gently ask her if some of the things I have been hearing are true, and how she feels about them.  She has been a much happier, more relaxed child since that night.  

[gipsy]

What My atty said
   " The hearsay testimony of children is not admissable ';
   And " The judge would be pissed if you tryed it "
   
 Reality is . What good is the information ?
   I don't think it will flip any financial statement , Soo Why not just leave the child out of it ,  My son tells me things , And I too wonder . And I too ask him ,
  But then end result is " What good is the info ?
     Your post reminds me of something I was told by a aquaintance / Friend ,Who is a Psychiatrist ,
   " Ity's My job to make my son feel comfortable at my house "
 And he said it won't do any good to talk to my son about this stuff any way ,
 So Believe it or not This Making him comfortable works the best and we have  A better relationship when I leave it alone ,
  however I have had to try to be as mild as I can and straighten out some of the total BS He hears at his mother's . But I try to keep it simple and tell him he isn't going to getin trouble etc , And it's ok to talk ,
   I have found that when I just have a good time with my son the CRAP !!!!  that come from Mom is way down on the scale /
  Heck the Mom has him in counseling .
 I think it has back fired on her because He told me his mom has quit the crappolla ,
 I think what happened is , This l
   I don't talk bad about the mom , And she does it , I think this comes out at counseling ,