Can a father really get custody???

[Stepmom0418]

Are you sure that my DH's ex isnt your ex?? LOL!! Just kidding Dh's ex only has 1 child and thats a boy but they sure sound alot alike. DH went to trial last year with alot of the same complaints that I am hearing from you. DH got her with several counts of contempt in regards to visitation being denied. School issues were a nightmare!! SS had missed 37 days of kindergarten, about the same in 1st and was headed the same way in 2nd grade. When we went to court we had MANY (15+) documents to enter as evidence and she had 3 or 4. She made false accusations and said that we threatened her and endangered SS and Dh's visitation should be supervised! She did manage to retain physical custody but DH got a reasonable VERY detailed court order.


Anyways long story short we are headed back to court once again for contempts. Since March of last year DH has been denied 13+ visitations.

Good Luck to you and dont forget to DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!!!

I sent you a PM! Check your inbox

[fatherwithcustody]

Yes a father can really get custody, I am living proof of that. My son's mother was not a drug addict, alcoholic, a criminal. I presented my case, had testimony from a therapist my son was seeing. Document, document and keep up the recording, I had that too but never had to use it.

[m2daj]

wolud like 2 communicate with u im divorced and am trying 2 gain custody of my dtr. i live in tx and i hear its hard 2 do that here. my x causes all kinds of problrms 4 me and my dtr. i have read about PAS and know that she does these things. can u contact me at [email protected] PLEASE???!!!
thanks
m&mc

[doright]

I know a guy who tried this and it worked:  bribery.  Tell her that if she wanted, you could take temporary custody of your daughter, but you will still pay her the child support. Tell her you'd like to try it for just 6 months, that you'll fly your daughter to visit, etc. make it sound like an offer she can't refuse.  

A guy I know had 2 kids with XGF. She was a lot like your X. He offered to take one kid, still pay support for 2 kids.  Then after a few months, he offered to take the other kid, still paying her support for 2 kids. After one year, he went to court and got full custody. The judge was not amused with her at all, selling her kids to the X!!!  

[FL_48603]

>>I posted this on Custody Issues with no response.  Hope to
>get some help on this board.<<

This is the norm.  I used to think it was because all these "Father's Rights" types want to research their response to make sure it is tailored to our needs and to make sure they are not putting themselves in liability by offering advice.

Come to find out we do not share the same emphasis on information sharing.

It would be nice if there were a place for fathers, by fathers... wouldn't it?

>>My 6-year-old daughter lives in Iowa with her mother. My ex is
single, goes to school, doesn't work and complains about EVERYTHING!<<

I have discovered that your ex may have gotten her information from a "WOMAN'S SHELTER" or "WOMAN'S ADVOCACY" group because it matches my ex to the "T".

I recently had an abuse/neglect case against my ex-wife which should have caused my child to be put in my custody.

But because my ex is in school and working several part time (under the table) jobs, she is milking me and the system for all the support she can get.

Check with your local social services department, the local unemployment department and get their "FRAUD HOTLINE" numbers.  They will have inforfmation with which you can determine how best to attack the possability that your ex may be exploiting her employment status fraudulently.

>>We have joint custody. I live in AZ and have seen my daughter on average every 52 days over the last 2 years. We talk on the phone almost every day sometimes twice. I stay very involved with my daughters? life; I keep copies of all of her medical records from all of her Dr's because I want to know everything that is going on with her especially when she is with me. I have arranged to have the school send me her progress reports for obvious reasons. I feel that I could
obviously do more but being 1500 miles away you do what you
can.<<

Document all of this and put into a journal format, because it will come in handy in a future hearing to demonstrate your attachment and involvement in the child's life.

>>Periodically I have the unfortunate situation where the ex
gets on the phone and just rips me a new one because she is
stressed and just happens to be having a bad day. Usually this
is done with our daughter in the next room or in the room of
their apartment.<<

You can site these instances as cause for action and any of a number of different of your circumsntances as a "CHANGE OF CIRCUMSTANCE" whereby to justify bringing the matter back to court.  ONCE IN COURT, you should, either in mediation or by judges order, stipulate that all telephone contact be free from such interference from your ex.  State that it puts pressure on the child to have your ex interfere in the phone contact and state that this is action on your ex's part is detrimental to the best interest of the child.

>>During these times, and their have been a few, she says things like, "I can't do this anymore, I'm done, I don't have a life, It sucks being a single mom, I have to bathe her, cut her nails, do her homework, make sure she is fed, etc...<<

Boo, hoo.  Tell her that you will gladly alleviate her bellyaching by taking full custody of the child and watch how quickly she chirps a different song.

>>What the ex doesn't know is the under the advisement of my lawyer I have most of these conversations recorded.<<

Maybe you want to be careful how much of this you admit to on this message board.  BELIEVE THIS - your ex may now or may in the future troll through this board trying to pre-emptively second guess you.  At the end of the day - USE EVERY DEVICE AT YOUR DISPOSAL TO WIN YOUR CASE AT ALL COSTS.

>>The ex is in school and does have homework everyday so I am
not saying she has it easy but the message she gives me is
that our daughter is really becoming a burden to her.<<

The CLEAR and UNARGUABLE edge your ex has on you is that she can cry on your shoulder about how burdensome you child is on her and then when she goes to court she can sing the other song about how the child needs her and she is the better parent on because she has a uterus and you testicles, the judge will ALWAYS be entranced by her argument which is the same baseless argument regurgitated over and over every day.

>>I have offered on 3 occasions to take our daughter until the ex
finishes school. She won't hear of it, "that's not the answer"
she says.<<

TAKE NOTE:  Your ex will tell you what is and isn't the answer.  TAKE NOTE: Your ex will act like YOUR PARENTAL RIGHTS and THE RIGHTS OF YOUR CHILD TO HAVE YOU IN THEIR LIFE is something that the ex can give or take away...

CHALLANGE THIS POINT OPENLY AND VIGOROUSLY BECAUSE THIS RIGHT IS CONSTITUTIONALLY PROTECTED.

>>When she needs help financially, I help her, when she needs help with schoolwork or understanding something, I help her. I pay $1100 a month for Child Support and to be honest I wouldn't care if it were higher.<<

RETHINK THIS.  I used to say the same thing - I even said it to The Court: "Your honor, I am not asking you to modify child support even though your giving me more time with my child in order to deal with the mother's abuse and neglect will increase my time".

THEN the ex and her sleazy divorce lawyer father tried to knife me in the back with "MODIFICATION OF CHILD SUPPORT AND ATTORNEY FEES" stating that "his income has increased since the original order was drafted".

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT A LOVING AND CARING MOTHER WOULD TURN THEIR OWN ISSUES OF NEGLECT AND ABUSE INTO A PLATFORM TO MILK MORE MONEY AND SUPPORT OUT OF THE SYSTEM LIKE THE CHILD WAS A PAWN IN SOME FINANCIAL DISPUTE?

So I shaved two thirds off her child support and took 50/50 custody until the next hearing - and I encourage you to do likewise.

>>The answer to all of my ex's problems is for me to quit my career, sell my home and move to Iowa. The ex and I had a very unhealthy relationship for the first 2 years of our daughters? life.<<

The answer is in the statement... she wants you to surrender your financial leverage and put yourself in a position of financial disadvantage so she can sucker punch you.

Don't let her hypnotize you using your "good-guy" guilt syndrome.

>>To this day, our daughter still recalls our arguments. This was the reason we split.<<

You can bet money on the fact that thats not what your ex is conditioning your child to believe and it is only a matter of time until you start to see the signs of parental alienation.

Time will wear away at the innocence of your child and they will gradually start to assimilate the message they are subjected to:

"Mommy is the parent - daddy is the visitor".

>>I obviously love my daughter to death but packing up and
moving closer to help take care of her knowing that the ex
would just want to pick fights and make my life as well as our
daughters miserable is definitely not my idea of what is in
the best interest of our daughter.<<

Nothing is obvious to The Court.  Everything must be meticulously spelled out, defended, supported and proven - start building up your case now.  Pick you fights and the ground upon which to fight them.  

>>The ex is a person who is never happy about anything, complains about everything and quite frankly nobody will ever do anything to satisfy her.<<

What if she is just playing head games to manipulate you?  What if she is sharing how happy she is with her friends and family and sharing how much life sucks with you?  

>>She is just that way.<<

A pathological condition which could take a toll on the emotional well being of the child if you don't take action to correct matters.

>>My question is how bad do things have to get in order for a
father to petition the courts for custody?<<

It comes down to how well you can argue a case.  I bet if you took a weekend and read through case law regarding child custody in your area, you could find several points with which you could petition the courts.

The issue becomes one of finding an argument with "teeth".

Read the case law and esisting statutes governing "Family Law" in your area.  Mark out wherever you find your ex is in "violation" of the order you have or where the order you have is contrary to what's best for the child.

Find suitable CHANGE OF CIRCUMSTANCES to justify coming before the court.

State a suitable cause.

>>I'm not asking for sole but I would like to have physical custody. The emotional stress that I feel when haveing to talk to her is difficult to
deal with.<<

No matter what, you should always ask for SOLE custody while offering PHYSICAL CUSTODY as a plan B.  Gamble on the fact that the deck is tacked and you have a greater chance of arguing them down to accepting plan B.

>>What can I do, if anything, to get my daughter?<<

Read through your post here listed and find where what your ex is putting your child through violates your child's rights them come in hard and heavy on these points.

They will attack your sense of worth as a dad, they will try first to exhaust you financially then lastly they will resort to false accusations.

Gaurd yourself with counselling and keep your money flow right.

>>Any input is appreciated.<<

NEVER LET THE BASTARDS GRIND YOU DOWN.

I wonder if the Roman who coined this phrase ever thought that one day a culture of fatherlessness would see to perpetuate fahterlessness.  Then again if they had The Empire might not have fallen.  Welcome to America.

[FL_48603]

>>Although unexplained persistent or recurrent illnesses or injuries involving a child (and possibly siblings) are potential clues to MSBP, the diagnosis can be elusive.<<

I was ready to add this to my arsenal.  After nearly replacing all my child's teeth which the ex allowed to rot, several instances where the child was allowed to get sunburn creating weeping blisters, and in light of the countless other well documented instances of abuse and neglect, it just made sense.

Word to the wise... mothers can back over their kids or drown them and get retried to avoid the death sentence, and they can be bag chasing crack addicts and keep their kids even though dad would be a well adjusted alternative - IT SUCKS THAT MUCH!

So MSBP is a good final nail in the coffin lid, but only on the tail end of a long list of other offenses for which the mother will definitely be scrutinized.

[FL_48603]

>>RE: Unless you have "documented Proof" that your ex is a * drug addict* alcoholic* abuses uses your daughter* sexually uses your daughterOr has a boyfriend or family member that does so, the answer
is NO.<<

While I encourage the documentation of all these things if you can get it... It is not as hard as you make it out to get CUSTODY.  Most often the other party will break down under a good mediation session wherein you state your argument with which you will take sole custody IF they don't agree to give you a more benign alternative - FACT.

>>A judge will not uproot a child and place it with the other parent unless there is obvious detriment to the child.<<

Even if there is obvious detriment judges like to cow tow to the feminist front.  

Still.  The right judge on the right day with the right pressure applied fromt the right angles...

In my humble opinion

[pw7285]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond in such detail.

I have just returned from flying my daughter back to Iowa after having her in AZ for the past 2 weeks over spring break.  We had a fantastic time.

My research of my ex's behavior has led me to Borderline Personality Disorder.  She could be the poster child for this disorder.

I will continue to document and will take your advice on researching case studies in my area.  My guess is that I will need to study them also in Iowa.  Although the court papers were drawn in AZ and our daughter was born in AZ, they have lived in Iowa for just over 2 years.  Does this mean that AZ doesn't have jurisdiction anymore or does that even matter?

Thanks to everyone and I will continue to update.