Update..court in three weeks, can she do this

[b1798]

Does anyone know if their are any rules about daycare when it comes to the custody situation?
I am the SM to an 18month old SD, right now there is a temp. order giving mother full custody but we get visitation everyother weekend and Wednesday over night. We have wanted joint legal custody and four weeks vacation but mother has refused so our trial date is April 25. Other than her denying more visitation and joint custody our only issue has been daycare. Her BM has placed her with her boyfriends 75 year old parents every day. We pay $125 a week for them to watch her and have continuously tried to get her to change this. We know that the parents love the child and my SD loves them and we arent trying to break their bond. We just feel very uncomfortable with the age and physical abilities of these people. Nonetheless my SD is not in the presence of any other children at all. We have not really pushed the issue but as she approached 2 and becomes more active we are becoming increasingly nervouse about their ability to care for her. The BM opinion is that it is none of our business and that she has full custody. We dont argue with her on very much but this seems to be the major issue. Well now she has sent us letters saying how all DH does is argue with her and joint custody wouldnt be possible because they can never agree. None of this is tru but I guess that is how she expects to get the judge to deny joint.  We are also requesting four weeks unconsecutive vacation time because my husband change jobs at BM request and received more Vacation time. Does anyone know if this will likely be awarded or not? Three weeks seems so far away but yet I dont feel prepared. What should we ecpect at the trial?

PS - All of this stems from a one night stand there was never a relationship between them

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

The burden would be on you to demonstrate that the boyfriend's parents are unfit to care for the child, and use that evidence to reflect the mother's poor decision-making.

Keep in mind, however, that plenty of parents will use their own parents or their in-laws (i.e., if they get married) to help with childcare.

I think you're going to look bad to the court if you try to disparage the boyfriend's parents, based solely on age and speculation.

Further, two-year-old children don't really NEED socialization with other children.  At best, they'll tolerate a parallel play situation with another toddler.  At worst, they'll fight over toys.  But two-year-olds don't yet have the social development to play WITH other children their own age.

Your whole argument about what you want should concentrate on the child's best interest.

WHY is it best for the child for dad to have four unconsecutive weeks?  Well, it's a fair argument to say a very young child should not go four CONSECUTIVE weeks without seeing a parent, so dad should hammer that.

If the father is available to care for the kids, instead of having them with an unrelated caretaker, that's also a reasonable "best interest" argument to increase time with dad during the week.  It may or may not succeed, but it puts more on the table for the mother to lose.

And THAT argument (about the babysitters) is much more reasonable than speculating that these people aren't fit to babysit.

Right now, the mother doesn't have much to lose.  Whether you get two or four weeks of vacation, it's not much different to her.  Whether she gets sole legal or joint legal, it's not much different to a primary caretaker because realistically it's so difficult to enforce "joint legal" custody... unless every decision-making rule is clearly defined in orders.

"Joint legal" without any further quantification is meaningless.

So, you'd want specific orders on how health appts are handled, school selection, etc.

At trial, you can expect each side to put on its case.  If you're not prepared, you won't prevail... so it sounds like you and your husband have a bit of work to do!

[b1798]

thank you for your honesty...and mostly i agree. However I am a teacher and have always been taught quite the opposite when it comes to children learning social skills. At 2 they should begin a structured learning environment with other children. You see in MD preschool is all day whereas most states it is only half day. And now the requirements children must fulfill are way more in depth than a home can provide. We are willing to compromise and say she can remain their 2 days and go to a pre pre-school program the other three but she wont even hear our side.  I know how the joint legal can  not really be enforced and our order is very specific, but we dont want to be in court forever. We havent had any problems with her following the rules once they are set by the courts its just getting the courts to set them.  I was just wondering if we could do anything. And yes a lot of families do home daycare. My DH's mom stays at home with his little brother and has offered free daycare since the beginning but BM refuses. And the advice about asking to have the child if he is off work is something we had tried to go for since the beginning but to no prevail. You see my DH is constructive so during the winter months he only works 3-4 days a week. He asked that if he told BM the night before if he could have the child and she said no, that it wasnt fair to the daycare providers. So I dont know if we can get that.  She is only agreeing to 2 weeks vacation unconsecutive. We only live 5 miles from her so we dont see the big deal.  She has an amzing way of refusing all types of mediation and yet still making us look like the bad guys. But I truly appreciate the advice. We have been going through this for the past 18 months and I think that now that it is coming time for the decision we are just worried becasue she seems so sure of herself. I guess at this point we really dont have anything to lose

[CustodyIQ]

>I guess at this point we really dont have anything to lose

Okay, I'll defer to your child development knowledge so we don't get into an interesting (but distracting) discussion on that... but I'll instead change the emphasis to... a judge won't CARE if a two year old isn't exposed to other kids.

What matters in your case is what matters to the JUDGE.  What you or your husband thinks is best is not how to frame the case.  What a JUDGE will find relevant is to how to argue the case.

Judges want to ensure that a child has average (or better) care, average (or better) environment, average (or better) stability, and reasonable access to build a bond with both parents (so long as both parents are average or better).

"Average" is below the standard of good parents, but it's the standard that the judge wants to make sure is met.

With regard to your statement above, I don't know if it's too late to modify what you're requesting from the court.

It's a good rule of thumb that if you ask for MORE than you really want, so long as your request is reasonably supported by your case, you can lose more of your request without feeling devastated.

And if you ask for MORE than you really want (but can still handle if you get it all), it means the mother has greater incentive to settle before the trial, because she may lose MORE.

It gives you way more compromising room to ask for more.  So long as your request for relief (from the court) is reasonably supported by your position, the judge shouldn't find it outrageous.  She/he may not agree, but she/he won't dismiss you as unreasonable and won't just flick you aside like a bug.

Regarding daycare and your husband's work, it wouldn't hurt to lay that out to the court (i.e., that his work is largely seasonal) and ask for orders of first right of refusal from November to March.  This means that before the mother arranges daycare during those months, she first asks the dad if he's available.

[reagantrooper]

I would focus on the whole boy friends parents thing instead of just thier age! I mean the boy friends parents!  

How long has the BF been the BF? WHY are his parents at thier age or any age so willing to watch a child that they have NO relation to?  I would be VERY leary of my Xs BFs parents watching my kid! Seems kinda odd to me.

I certainly hope that you have checked the background of these "nice" old folks. Also the BFs back ground.

Are you sure that BM has sole custody? If that is the case you guys certainly have great parenting time for a non joint custody situation.

[b1798]

Thank you..finally someone thinks the same as us. My fiance feels very awkward going into their home since they are theBM's BF's parents but she gives him no choice. Its almost as if she takes pleasure in it. A lot of time when we are supposed to drop the baby off at the BM's she will call and tell us to bring her to the BF's parents home. They have been together for 4 years, its a long story, her BF cant have children so BM went out to the local bar until she got one. Only I dont think that either of them figured that some guy from the bar would fight for his child.  Yes we gave her temporary sole custody b/c she gave us the wednesday nights, but we have been fighting for the joint all along. She doesnt call if the baby is sick or tell us if she is going away and wont let us in on any decision making. Thats why we want the joint custody.  Here's some good advice: if the BM continuously refers to the child as "her child" you have a long road ahead of you. We shouldve asked for more but we didnt want to piss her off so now its down to keeping her on Sunday nights on our weekends instead of returning her to BM.  To those of you who only fight with the ex when you see them that is the perfect visitation schedule. If we get the sunday nights we won't even see the mother except for on holidays. That makes for so much better than constantly arguing with one another when you pick up the chil/drop them off. I believe the only reason we have so much time is b/c we only live 10 miles away its a quick 5 min drive and we are in the same school  district.  She gave us that we just hope the judge grants us the Sunday nights and the 4 weeks vacation.

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

I respectfully disagree on what to "focus on" if the intent is to influence a court.

I agree with you and the original poster that it's ODD, but it's ONLY relevant if they're not fit to babysit.

Unless a person (related or not) is a threat to a child, the judge really won't care who the babysitter is.

So, it's fine to investigate their background, and if relevant evidence turns up, that's fine too.

But cases aren't won on what's odd or weird.

Significantly changing the status quo arrangements are based upon showing harm coming to the child from said arrangements.

[treading water]

Hi,

Just a thought here, but have you considered approaching this from another angle?  If you are paying the grandparents directly for the child care, you really should get their SS# so that you can report the child care expense on your 1040.  This will of course require the GPs to report the money received as income, and possibly pay taxes on it.  If you casually start to request this info then the GPs might not want to deal with this and tell the mother they can't do it anymore.  Make the request as non-antagonizing as possible, but let them know that you will be needing their SS# before you can make any more payments to them.  Worst case is that the BM files contempt charges on you, but those would not stick if you set the money aside and convey a willingness to pay all monies due as soon as they provide you with the information that they need to provide you.  Or continue to pay, but let them know that you will be providing the IRS with all the info on them that you do have.  

And the bonus to this is that you do not have to deal with the BM since it is really none of her concern.  It is between you and the child care providers.

Other thoughts out there?

[ocean]

I was thinking this also. Here, I have to put the kids in a certified daycare or after-school program for their father to pay half. Then we split the amount at tax time. I would take it from this angle also but I would deal with it through BM. Is the child care court ordered now?

[b1798]

No, we go to court in two weeks now and that is a big issue we are dealing with....We dont pay the GP's directly but the BM has provided checks made out to them. We dont know for sure if they aren't just cashing them and giving them back to her. We have thought about approaching it from this angle but it will surely cause a battle. If BM would allow us to write half off we would half no problem, but she has refused to allow us any tax exemptions unless we agree to her terms. It is just hard at the end of the year becasue DH is self employed but cant claim child support-we may have to resort to going to this route if BM can't reach compromise soon. Thanks for all the great advice.