Help for DH going through mediation w/ BM!!

[step_momma_2boys]

Hi.  I've been hanging around on here for months, reading so many things that strike so similar to our situation.  Now it's time for me to post and ask for some advice for my DH who has been going through mediation since December '05.  DH has 2 sons (10 & 9) from his 1st marriage; we've been together for almost 6 yrs and have a 5 yr old DD.  We live 100 miles from BM, who is the CP.

The problems started last fall (late Oct) when DH and BM had verbally exchanged several weekends to accomodate the boys' sports schedule.  On the last weekend that was switched, BM informed us that the boys' had tournament games.  She had previously told us neither team would be playing the tournament, in which she was the head coach on one team and an assistant on another.  We already had plans for the weekend, and she knew it.  During the weekend, she called to tell the oldest that his team would be playing in the Championship Game, which was a lie since they lost the first 2 games in the tourney.  She was trying to get us to bring the boys down or even let her pick them up a day early so she could take the oldest to the tourney, which he had told her and us that he didn't want to play in.  She knew that, that's why she tried to convince him that he'd play in the Championship game (he's pretty competitive.)  We flat out told her no.  When she showed up to pick the boys up the next day, Sunday, she demanded to know what we did that was so important that they missed the game.  Well, it wasn't good enough and she threw a fit.  She called DH a "lousy dad" and told him that she was having her BF spend more time with the boys so they could have a real father figure in their lives.  We slammed the door shut.
The next day, she called to tell us that since we switched weekends, and because of what "we did" that the new EOW schedule was now going to continue from us having the boys the previous wkend.  This totally altered the EOW scedule so that DH would lose 4 wkends of parenting time, due to our weekends now falling on her holiday weekends.  She also said we were not allowed to pick up the boys from school to start our wkends as we have been doing for the past 2 yrs.  The papers state EOW, and one "mid-week" visit from after school until 8pm on the day of Father's choosing.  Because of DH's work schedule and being 100 miles away, we had established early on that we would excercise the "mid-week" visit to be on the Friday our wkend started, and that we would pick the boys up from school and just start our weekend then.  She said that the papers don't say we can pick them up FROM school, only AFTER school, and started 30 minutes after the boys get out of school, in which they live less than 2 minutes from the school.  And further, that "mid-week visit" is Wednesday since that is the middle of the week.  She knows that DH works on-call on Sundays, and then M-W.  So, until mediation started we were not allowed to pick up the boys from school, and could not have the "mid-week" visit at all since we could not go down on Wednesdays.

Because our papers say we must do mediation first, DH requested her to do mediation, and we got the costs taken care of so she didn't have to pay for it.  So, mediation started in Dec with getting the EOW schedule determined to be in writing.  As is stands, it's EOW and doesn't stop during summer.  Even though weekends aren't used during summer, we were to use the weekends as markers and pick up where it is supposed to be in the fall after school starts.  BM wanted to keep the EOW schedule the way she changed it, and to have weekends stop during summer and alternate as to whose wkend starts depending on which parent has them for Labor Day that yr.  (Ex: BM has boys for Labor Day this yr, so our wkend is the next and goes EOW from there.)  DH did not really want to do this as it did make him lose 4 wkends this school yr, and would be a pattern of DH losing all wkends every other May due to his wkends falling on Mother's Day wkend and Memorial Day wkend, which is hers in even yrs.  But, he did agree to the new EOW.  The 2 other things he wanted put in the papers was that the papers state that he can pick up the children FROM school; and that whenever a non-school day is attached to his wkend, that the boys would be with him.  These were both things that we had been doing, but after she got mad and switched the wkends, she no longer allowed the extra day or picking up from school.  It took her a while to agree to let DH pick up boys from school, and at first the agreement was only once per month.  In a later appt, she agreed to let him pick them up every time.  The additional day was agreed upon too.

Then BM decided that she wants to have the transportation changed so that DH would have to drive the boys half-way down to her at the end of his time.  Right now, whichever parent is to receive the children must pick them up.  DH's work schedule of being on-call on Sunday's don't allow for him to go out of town.  She tried to get me to be the one to do the driving to her, but the mediator wouldn't let that happen.  She said that any agreements need to be between them only.  I want to add, that when the parenting plan was being made, BM attempted to have DH do ALL the transportation, but the judge made the ruling on how it currently is.
The other thing BM wants changed is the summer vacation time.  She says that when the parenting plan was made, it was based on the boys having 12 wks of summer.  Since then, she has moved 2 school districts, and the district the boys are currently in only has 10 wks of summer.  She wants the summer time to be equal between them, and is asking for a week of DH's time.
The last 2 issues have not been resolved.  The mediator is very big on compromise, and is trying to get DH to consider driving some distance.  No one seems to get that he cannot go anywhere.  He has a work van that only seats 2 (so he couldn't drive the 2 boys to her anywhere), and he must be with his van at all times.  Her first complaint was that she claims we harrass her whenever she comes to pick up the boys at our house.  When the mediator suggested that we simply drive the boys to the Safeway by our house, BM refused saying that wasn't good enough and that she doesn't like driving in our city.  I feel ready to just quit the mediation, which isn't mine to quit.  But I feel that these issues would be decided by a judge to our benefit and not hers.  I think this because it was the judge that set the transportation in the first place, and anything else would conflict with DH's work schedule.  As far as the extra week in the summer goes, the boys tell us that BM is planning on moving again and in another district, and it's not fair to take away time from DH and the boys time with him because she is moving school districts every 1/2 yr to yr.  Any suggestions or opinions on these matters would be so welcome.  DH and BM next mediation date is May 11th.  They haven't had an appt in a couple months since BM got a new job and wouldn't provide the mediator with her schedule.
A judge wouldn't make a ruling that would conflict with DH's work schedule would he?  And wouldn't there have to be good reason to take time away from the NCP?

[MixedBag]

Well, you got the right idea about mediation....the mediator makes NO decisions but guides the two parties to keep communicating, throws out new ideas...blah blah blah.

What will the judge do?  That's really hard to say.

I can share that during my last go around with mediation, we had a partial agreement and wanted to take some items to the judge.  The judge basically said that since we didn't come to a full agreement, he just ruled on our motions.

But if I'm getting this right, you have no motions before the court.

As a CP, my girls' school schedule too changed from having 12 weeks to 10 weeks -- and I had to send them to their dads still for the 6 weeks.  SO I think that on this subject, you have a bargaining chip.

Suggestion:  If Mother's Day and Memorial Day are both defined as "even" or "Odd" holidays for Mom, get them to be opposite each other so that dad doesn't lose a whole month.  Switch the years with Labor Day as the other holiday.  Would that work?  I think that means one year the weekends would go M/M/M/D -- then D/M/D/D..???

Driving:  Yep, the judge can order ANYTHING.  But why would the judge change it from Dad picking up and Mom retrieving, if DAD objects due to a legitimate reason (work)?  I think he has leverage there....

You're right in that YOU as the SM can not be obligated to assist in the entire situation.  This is between them.

Oh yea, when Mom says dad needs to meet her half way, and dad says I can't due to my job.  Remind her that it's dad's job that enables him to pay her CS -- he could of course take a lower paying job and do all the driving....get it?  Yep, sarcasm coming out.

I'd also lean towards the fact that dad can choose Friday for his one day and pick the boys up from school.  Due to the distance and his work schedule of being on call, it makes total sense and for 2 years she let it happen.  If the order says "dad can choose", then the day is his choice.  Yep, it says "mid-week" -- and really the kids are losing hours with dad by connecting the two periods of time, but it just makes more sense.

So what happens if you all back out and go back to the original agreement?

Are you then just arguing about when the EOW thing starts??

And then dad can file a motion for clarification about using the mid-weeks on a Friday in conjunction with his weekends?

[janM]

If I were him, I'd be objecting to her moving yet again. How far away is she going? I'd argue that it is not in the kids' best interest to keep changing schools and cutting into my parenting time. How are their grades? If they have been slipping, I'd be filing to restrain her from moving the kids again, maybe a change in custody is in order.

At the least you need a clause in the plan that she has to inform you and/or the court of any upcoming move, ahead of time. Maybe even get the court's permission.

[step_momma_2boys]

BM gets the kids every Mother's Day, and EOY for Memorial Day Weekend, so that's why EOY (in even yrs) she would have the boys every weekend.  Like this year, our wkends land on Mother's Day wkend and Memorial Day wkend, so he will lose those weekends to her due to the wording in the papers.  DH and I didn't think BM would be willing to switch Mem. Day and Labor Day wkends, so I suggested that he bring up how it's not as detrimental for her to lose her wkends to him for his holidays, as it is for him to lose his wkends to her for her holidays, since she has the kids all the time.  (The mediator agreed to that.)  He did bring this up, and asked if they could consider that in the yrs that happens, she would give up one of her regular wkends.  He also emphasized how important it is since our DD's bday is in May.  She has an older son from another relationship who's bday falls during Spring Break and we have always allowed the boys to be with her and their bro for his bday.  She really couldn't refuse, and tentatively agreed to give a weekend up to him during the months he loses all his wkends.  We will see, as we are coming up on May.  She already agreed to let us have the boys on the wkend of May 19th, and knows that our DD's bday party is the 20th.

BM did try to argue that the "mid-week visit" needs to happen on Weds.  But the mediator brought up how they've agreed by their actions to do the Fridays instead.  We do lose a couple hours with them by doing it that way, but that's what we've got to do.

So far, DH and BM haven't signed anything, it's only been verbal agreements with the mediator.  She goes over everything they've agreed upon at the end of the session though.  At the end of the last session they had, BM said her agreements are contingent on DH agreeing to the changes she wants.  That didn't make the mediator very happy.  She has seen first hand how BM agrees to something and then does something different.  For instance: On making arrangements for a wkend pickup, BM stated that the boys did not have basketball practice on that particular Friday.  So mediator said, "ok, then Dad can pick up kids from school and go home from there?"  BM said yes.  On the day we were to go down, however, she called as we were leaving town and said they did have practice.  BTW, she was their coach.  We called the mediator and she said BM did say there was no practice, but since there isn't anything in writing we have to take them since papers say we must take them to any scheduled event during the "mid-week visit."  BM also scheduled the practice to overlap into actual weekend time which starts at 6pm.  Practice was from 5-6:30pm.  The mediator said we needed to make the best choice for the kids, and so we let them stay till 6:30 even though we wanted to leave at 6 pm.  We had dinner plans with other family members (at a restaurant @ 6pm) that we cancelled because we didn't want the boys to feel bad about going to dinner late when everyone was already there.  Also, when we took the boys to practice, BM (being the coach) was NOT THERE.  Her oldest son said she was out looking at a house to buy w/ her BF.  So she had a friend go and supervise the practice.  That tells me she just pulled that practice out of blue.

So, even though there has been nothing signed, they have been following what they've agreed upon in mediation so far (except the one thing above.)  So I think that gives us more leverage if we go to the judge with this.  The problem with the original agreement is that is just says EOW, it doesn't specify any point for who is suppossed to have the kids each weekend.  They do have one paper that each of them signed 1 1/2 yrs ago when they switched a wkend for the first time, so that gives a point of reference as to who's wkend is who's.  And that shows that the EOW schedule before the change was how is was supposed to be.

If we have to go to the judge, I was wondering if we would be able to call the mediator in?  She would be able to state what they've agreed upon.  Since BM first argued that she wanted the transportation changed to be on neutral ground but then refused for that neutral ground to be 1/4 mile from our house, I don't think that will go to far with the judge.  DH and I already talked to his boss, who said he would be willing to testify that DH cannot be out of town on Sundays.  Her real issue is that she doesn't want to drive the nearly 2 hrs to our house.

As time has gone on with a couple months since the last appt, and when BM asked for her changes, there has been no conflict.  There wasn't before, other than a few times she has yelled at us for not having the boys attend a game here and there on our wkends.  But since then, we have gone out of our way to make sure that the boys things are ready and we don't even go to the door when she shows up.  That way she can't even claim conflict.  She has claimed many false things in the past, and we didn't want to take a chance of saying we did something to her just so she can get the transportation changed.  So I think that will help our case to keep transportation the way it is.  Oh ya, her other arguement for changing transportation is that we have need to go to her town since that's where the boys live and go to school, but she doesn't need to come to our town.  That doesn't really make sense to me.

[step_momma_2boys]

There is a clause about moving 60 miles away, but not for moving around town.  When we went to court (in April 2004) we had brought up her frequent moves.  She testified that the house she had at that time was where she was going to live from that point forward.  2 months later, she moved, and then a month after that she moved again.  Which put the kids into a new school the next school yr.  Then she moved again last May and the kids are in their 3rd school since court.  There is a clause that she needs to notify us of any move, but that hasn't happend.  Only her last move was after the papers were signed, and since she knew we probably found out through other resources, she didn't bother to say anything about it.

The kids grades?  That is another issue we are dealing with!  The older one is getting by because he is pretty fast about getting his work done in class, but his report card had all "Does Not Meet" for any homework, at home reading and such things that needs to be done at home.  Other than that, he is really bright and doing well.  The younger one, has been consistantly going down hill over the last few years.  Since we've been picking up the boys at school for the last 2 yrs, we take that opportunity to talk w/ the teachers about their progress.  He is currently not really passing the 3rd grade, but his teacher said she will pass him on because she doesn't think it is good to hold kids back.  His biggest problem is that he misses a lot of school and doesn't do his homework.  Right now, he is missing 11 out of 17 assignments since they went back to school after Spring Break.  Whenever we go to pick them up, we talk with his teacher, get homework that he needs to do and have him do it on our weekends.  (Their homework is set up to go home Monday and come back Fridays so there is no wkend homework.)  We will help him get caught up, and by the time we are down again 2 wks later, he is way beind again.  This has become a more serious issue than it has been the last 2 yrs for him.  We are at a loss of what to do.  We feel that the best thing we can do is show WE are putting forth the effort to help him.  The teachers all say they see us way more than they see BM, and we live 100 miles away!  The sad thing is that BM thinks sports are way more important.  She freaks out if they miss a practice or a game, but has no problem with them missing a lot of school.  A month or so ago, the youngest's teacher said that he complained he wasn't feeling good so she sent him to the office.  He didn't have a temp, but came back to class to collect his backpack to go home anyway.  She told us how he seemed "chipper" after he knew he was going home.  She has said she would notify the office of his absences and they will look into it, but so far we haven't noticed anything has changed.  It's very sad to see your kid struggling so hard, and feel helpless.

We are scared to file for custody again.  We've filed 2x on her.  Once in 2001 where DH and she agreed to 50/50 joint custody, where they lived with her 6 mos and w/ us 6 mos.  She wanted to move to another state, so this made them move schools half-way through for 3 school yrs, but the agreement was to let the boys live wherever they were doing better in school at.  She wouldn't agree to let them live with us when it came down to it, even though it was clear they were doing better w/ us.  So we filed in 2003, which finished up in court in April 04.  She got custody because they had an older sibling at their mom's.  And I believe, because we had to go to court in her town, and we are from the "big city" we were looked at like we were only doing it to harrass her.  In the end, we also had to pay $7000 of her $10,000 attorney fees.  And we filed in good faith, not to harrass her!  We didn't really have the money on our own to file so we borrowed from our family and even her uncle!  So, that's where our trepidation comes in.  We were able to show we were stable in our marriage and where we lived; and she was estranged from her felon husband and brought her boyfriend into court to testify on her behalf!  She testified of all the places she had lived!  The system really screwed us, so here we have a child that is nearly failing, and we are unsure of what to do about it.

[MixedBag]

You can't call the mediator in to testify in court, in any state in the country.

That's against the rules.

[msme]

Are the boys in counseling? If not, get it started. Their counselor can testify to what he/she feels is best for the kids & also what is bothering them & what is not in their best interest.

When you are at the school get together with the school counselor. While it is hard to get a teacher into court, school counselors make great witnesses & bring full reports from the teachers & they are admisable.

Our school counselor calls kids in to chat if they are having problems. She also runs a rap group for children of divorce, a couple of times a year. It is voluntary but lots of kids go.

Good luck & God bless.

[step_momma_2boys]

We know that they have all gone to counseling, and the younger one is in continuing counseling outside of school.  (And misses 1/2 day of school almost every week to go.)  Last school year, they were meeting w/ the school counselor, who would meet with us as well as BM.  I think she did not like that, because now she takes them to a counselor, who's name we do not know, and claims to the mediator that the "fighting" that WE (DH and I) are causing is what's upsetting to the younger one, SS#2.  No school counselor has ever said anything like that.  In fact, the school counselors seem more concerned with how much the boys move while living w/ their mom; that they're so busy in sports that they don't have time for school work; don't seem to have a regular routine, etc.

I'm sure that the boys are quite privy to what their mom thinks of us.  We do not say anything negative about their mom when they are around.  On the other hand, we know the boys have heard her yell at DH over the phone.  When we do talk to the boys about what is going on, we simply say that we don't agree and that we are ALL working on deciding the best thing to do for them.

We did not know that SS#2 was in couseling for quite some time.  Now, we are unsure of how to approach either arranging an appt w/ counselor or what to do about it.  BM makes appts on day of week that DH works.  We have always had a hard time getting medical info out of her.  Last year SS#2 broke his arm and we found out two days later in an email from his teacher.  When we called her about it, she said, "oh, I was just going to call you."  We even have it in our papers that each is to tell the other in case of any medical changes.  So this is what we're dealing with.  I'm sure that she has found a counselor sympathetic to her plight, and that's why they are not seeing their school counselor.  I feel that she is building things up so as DH could not get custody if he tried again.

[step_momma_2boys]

We picked the boys up from school this last Friday, and met w/ SS#2's teacher.  She told us that he had much homework to do over the weekend.  SS#2 told us and teacher that he was doing his homework, but keeps forgetting to turn it in.  His teacher explained that the reason she can pass him on to 4th grade is because she can assess him based on what she knows he knows.  She explained that in 4th grade he will be assessed on what work he turns in.

We went to BM's house for them to pick up their things and get the homework that was not at school.  BM spoke w/ us, and things were amicable.  She repeated what SS#2 had said about him doing his homework but not turning it in.  His homework packet was full of undone homework.  There were about 3 pages that were 1/2 done, but other than that, the rest was untouched.  So the story of doing it but not turning it in is a load of crap.  And quite unsettling, because we would expect to hear that from her, but he is telling us and his teacher the same story.

DH wants to keep things amicable, but in order to do that he would never be able to express his feelings or inquire as to what measures are being taken to help SS#2 keep up on his homework and a procedure for making sure it gets turned in.  At this age, we feel it is her responsibility to remind him, "do you have your homework?" each day.  She takes the pressure off herself and her responsiblity by saying it is up to him.  Well, he is in the 3rd grade and has had this problem since he has lived with her since mid of 1st grade, and she's been saying the same thing since then too.

I've heard of putting wording into parenting plans that express that a child must have passing grades to participate in sports, or to have tutoring.  Is that common?  Should we just wait and see how he does?  It's so hard to see him struggling, and think that we should be able to do something, but cannot.  We feel stuck between a rock and hard place, because we feel this is the substantial change in circumstance that is needed to change custody.

[ocean]

Can you make a homework chart for your house from the teacher? You can make a simple one page sheet: Did he complete all homework? Yes or no ...then the teacher just circles it. You can then reward or punish from your house. Maybe the BM will help you if you say we need to do this together and if he does not do 5/5 days then no TV in either house (or whatever). . What does the teacher do when he does not hand it in? I have them do it at recess...is there consequences at school? I would try the reward system first. If he does all of his homework until the next time you see him them you will have extra time to __________(take him to the park...). Yes, BM should be more involved but if you can both talk it out and be on the same side the better! Can you call child every night and ask what his homework was? Good luck!