Please, PLEASE, someone help!!

[lateralus73]

I am a divorced father of 2 children. My ex and I were separated before our 2nd child was born. She was unfaithful to me 6 times while I was stationed overseas, and the marriage just didn't work. She lives in CA with the kids, I currently reside in IN. When we first split, I tried to stay in CA to be near my children, but it became too expensive to live there and continue to give her money every payday, so I moved to FL to be near family that would help me out. Once I moved to FL, the contact between myself and my children unfortunately declined. She moved from the known address I had, changed phone numbers, and for a while was MIA. Her family was no help, because she bad mouthed me to them, and they wanted nothing to do with me. I was sending her money orders every payday since we did not have a support order set. Once she moved, they were initially returned, and with no assistance in locating her I stopped sending them. I then moved out of the family home and got my own place, but left my mother's number with her family in case she needed to contact me. Long story short, I lost almost all contact for almost a year, and the courts were no help. We had not started divorce proceedings and nothing was set in child support.
Time went by, she filed for support, and the paperwork was delivered. I started to pay, then lost my job due to illness, I was young and didn't know what to do, so I fell behind in payments.
I got back in touch with her in '99 after being alienated from the kids since '96. In Dec. '99 I moved back to CA, and we started living together again. She told me she had gone to the court and dropped the CS case since we were back together. I stopped paying obviously since we were together and I was taking care of the family. After 5 months of being together, she became pregnant. I was ecstatic until I caught her cheating AGAIN, and she told me that it was probably the other guys child. I then said enough was enough and decided to leave and head back to FL to accept a previous job offer, with the promise to my children that they would come and see me. I went back to FL in May 2000, that was the last time I saw my children. When I got to FL, 2 days later I called the house to find the # was disconnected. I tried the family route, and they again refused to help, blaming me for "abandoning" her and the kids "again". She obviously never told them about her affairs. I contacted the local police, they refused to help stating I should wait until she contacted me, citing that maybe she couldn't pay the phone bill and that it was temporary. I waited 6 months, contacted the courts who refused to help. All they advised was to go to the famlily law mediator to discuss the issues, told them I was out of state, they basically said too bad, get a lawyer (cannot afford). She picked up the CS case again, and filed for arrears back to before we got together, plus the time I sent money orders, and was awarded. So now my IRS refunds are taken, plus monthly arrears plus the amount from my paycheck. I went to jail over a technicality in the arrears owed, lost my job, got evicted, lost my car, and had to move to IN. I still pay arrears and the monthly amount, but they have now suspended my FL license, blocking me from getting an IN license, which is keeping me from getting a good job. I got a cell # for her last year due to a mix up with the divorce papers, they didn't black out her info. I called and she was furious. Told me to never call again, they were better without me, even though she admitted that the kids still ask for me. The next day the # was disconnected, I contacted the court, same BS response. I filed for modification last year, my fiance and I have a daughter, my income is significantly decreased, the court and her slick lawyer paid for by rich daddy managed to drop my amount by a measly $30. I am now in public housing due to paying a high amount, my credit is ruined, and I still cannot see my kids. That's all I want. I don't even know what they look like now, they are going to be 11 and 10 this year. They have a little sister and a little brother is due in October. I just want to be a father to them, and prove to them that I have always loved them, and want my family to see them (they have NEVER seen them). What can I do?? I cannot afford a high priced lawyer, if I could, I would not even be in this pickle. Please, someone out there has to know what I should do. Thanks for reading this, God bless you for taking the time to assist, whomever you are!!

BTW I should also mention that we were finally divorced last year after 11 years of "marriage". I have repeatedly asked everyone for a copy of the decree, to no avail. I have heard that she may have filed abandonment, and that I may not ever get to see the kids again, because it may entail termination of my parental rights. She filed through a legal aid service, which sent me some initial paperwork to sign, stating I would be kept informed of the progress. When I called them, they stated they would send me information pertaining to the divorce and that I would know exactly what was going on since I had no legal representation. What they sent was a letter stating that it would be a conflict of interest for them to provide me with any information whatsoever, they wouldn't even give me a case number. I got a letter from the court last year stating that it would be finalized on Aug. 19th. Now the court keeps bouncing me around from one person to another since I have no lawyer.

[Ref]

All of that is public record. You can call the court house where it was filed and request a copy. You will need to pay, but it is minimal. My DH's county has a webpage that actually posts the divorce decrees. You just have to search for either partie's name and it pops right up.

I am guessing you didn't show up to the hearing or mediation, even telephonically. You may be right about abandonment. If you showed no interest in the court case, the judge might easily assume that you didn't care about continuing your relationship with your kids.

First step is to get a copy of the order and see what damage has been done.

Another thing you may want to do is keep a diary of letters to your kids. You can do a simple handwritten letter in binders. Obviously the kids wont read them now, but when they get older they may take comfort in the fact that you do love them. Be honest but remember that any attacks on BM will cause them to block you out again because it will only reinforce what she has been saying.

Post back when you get the decree. If you say the county where it is filed, someone may be able to help.

Best wishes
Ref

[lateralus73]

The order is from the Lamoreaux Justice Center in Orange County, CA. As far as a hearing or mediation, there were never any notifications of either. All I got was a form stating that on Aug. 19th there was a proceeding finalizing the divorce. It was a Thursday, and I got the letter on that Tuesday. There was no way I could make it to California in two days, plus I couldn't afford it. I tried my local legal aid office, they said since the case was in CA, I would have to try and find a pro bono atty in CA to represent me, but there was not enough notice, and not enough information. It only said the room the proceedings would take place in, there was no phone number, just the names of the parties. I would have gladly attended mediation telephonically if ever given the opportunity, which I finally did last year when I filed for modification of the support order. That was a joke, they put me on hold while her lawyer talked to the judge, then they came back on the line. The judge was very cocky, he said, and I quote, "Dad, you got anything to add?". I asked why I was not able to see my children, he said they would take it into consideration, then said thanks for calling and hung up on me. It was two weeks before I was even notified what the change in the order was, the drop of $30. I guess I have just been so distraught I never thought about just calling public records and asking for the order. I have been going through the child support office, and they have never been anything less than nasty with me, refusing to offer any advice whatsover. Thanks for the info. Any other information is greatly appreciated!!

[Ref]

I found two pages to start you off.

//www.oc.ca.gov/recorder/ContactUs.htm

this is the Clerk of the courts's contact page. Call the number and ask for copies of your case file. They should help you there.

After you receive it, read through the visitation section very carefully and determine your rights, if any. Then post the visitation details here and others can help you figure out how to see your kids without breaking the rules.

//www.courtinfo.ca.gov/selfhelp/family

this is california's site for family law. they have forms for if you are filing on your own. they also have contact info for low cost/ free legal help.

Spend some time with this and read through everything as much as you can. Post back if you have any questions, but the first thing you NEED to do is contact the clerk and get a copy of th filing.

Good luck
ref

[lateralus73]

Ref,
Thanks for the information!! I have to admit I have been an idiot about some things. I always called the child support office because it was the only thing I knew of. I guess my common sense flew out the window because all I cared about was seeing my children, I never could get calmed down enough to think of obvious alternatives.
I called the recorder's office yesterday and they gave me all the information I needed to obtain a copy of my divorce decree. I am sending the request form to them on Friday, and the very, very kind woman I spoke with even told me she would waive the fee after I explained my situation to her. She even told me she would pray for me. What a beautiful woman!!!
I went to the self-help site and got a promising lead on a legal aid center. I just need to have my local legal aid society send them a referral and they will review my information. No promises for them, they said they might not be able to help a lot since I am in IN and they are in CA, but they will review once I get all required information. I just pray they can do something. I have not seen my kids in 6 years, and I am ready to fight!! This site has invigorated me, and I actually believe there may be hope. Thanks so very much!!

[lateralus73]

Ref,
Thanks for the information!! I have to admit I have been an idiot about some things. I always called the child support office because it was the only thing I knew of. I guess my common sense flew out the window because all I cared about was seeing my children, I never could get calmed down enough to think of obvious alternatives.
I called the recorder's office yesterday and they gave me all the information I needed to obtain a copy of my divorce decree. I am sending the request form to them on Friday, and the very, very kind woman I spoke with even told me she would waive the fee after I explained my situation to her. She even told me she would pray for me. What a beautiful woman!!!
I went to the self-help site and got a promising lead on a legal aid center. I just need to have my local legal aid society send them a referral and they will review my information. No promises for them, they said they might not be able to help a lot since I am in IN and they are in CA, but they will review once I get all required information. I just pray they can do something. I have not seen my kids in 6 years, and I am ready to fight!! This site has invigorated me, and I actually believe there may be hope. Thanks so very much!!