Ex upset I have moved on...

[pw7285]

Most of you know my situation and have helped me tremendously in the past and I appreciate it.  Now I have another issue with the ex.  I have been seeing a girl that we were friends with when we were together.  She is the ex-wife of a friend of mine.  I know the first thing everyone thinks is disgusting, gross, how could you etc...  They were married for 6 years and throughout the marriage he had and continues to have a drinking and gambling problem.  Bottom line is they divorced because she could not tolerate it anymore.

My ex and I separated almost 3 years ago and her and my daughter moved out of state.  I began seeing this girl almost 2 years ago.  Nothing too serious to start with but now we are considering taking the next step.  Well, I never gave my ex too much information about my personal life for a few reason: 1) Didn't feel it was any of her business 2) I knew it would obviously turn into an argument and I HATE dealing with her 3) and most important, I was afraid that she would begin to influence mine and my daughter relationship by making negative comments such as "your dad is now someone else's, her and her son are more important than you" etc...  My fear was and still is that my ex will try and make my daughter feel as though I don't care about her anymore because I am with someone that has a child.  My daughter and I have a fantastic relationship.  She is 6 and we talk almost every day, I visit her every 2 months and am very involved with her in terms of keeping up to date with her school progress and Dr visits.  I recently flew up to see her for her kindergarten graduation.  She was so excited that I was there.

Anyway, the ex knows about us now and says to me that if I marry her or move in with her she will never speak to me again.  First of all I understand her feelings must be hurt which I don't understand because for the last 17 months of our relationship before we separated I slept in the spare bedroom and had zero contact with her physically or emotionally.

Bottom line, what can I do if my communication with my daughter changes because the ex is upset?  I know I can't keep her from saying anything but I am confident that my daughter knows she is #1 to me and that I love her more than anything.  I don't want my daughter to be influenced by my ex into thinking she has been replaced.  It kills me to think that my daughter could be brain washed by my ex into thinking this.

As always thank you for your insight.

[4honor]

This stage of a new relationship is often a trigger for parental alienation tactics to begin.

You need to keep an amicable communication avenue open if at all possible. Try asking the ex WHY she is taking this stance about her one time friend.

And since this is going to be a volatile matter, DO NOT MOVE IN TOGETHER! If you are ready for marriage do that, otherwise, you are looking for trouble. In some states, court actions can go against an NCP who is cohabitating. Since it is seen as a "temporary" living condition, it is not seen as stable. That will hurt you in court. Date or marry, but don't live together in this volatile situation. Is it extortion? Yes, but the one getting hurt will be your child if you cross the ex's "line".

Ask your girlfirend if you can pull her criminal history. You may eventually need proof that she is NOT a danger to a child. That fact that you do it earlier in the relationship is important. It shows you were looking out for your child's best interests. Once you are married, the ex has no legal reason to keep you and your new spouse from contact with your DD.

Be prepared that even if/when you get married (and your ex learns of it) there is likely to be trouble. You must have your documentation in order for a contempt charge.  Ask for a clarification of your court orders in the mean time (NOW) to get the order specific. Ask for contempt after the first denial post-nuptials once the order is clear and specific.

[BelleMere]

I wasn't clear on that, but if you haven't taken care of the divorce aspect, do it asap.

Beyond that, you are right to worry AND you are right to move on. As you know, you can not put your life on pause because your ex might get upset. But as an SW who came into a very similar situation, I can also tell you that it's highly likely there will be some fallout because (IMO) a lot of people who move away the way your ex did (and the way BM in our situation did) harbor a kind of secret fantasy that sooner or later, you are going to move there and beg her to come back to you. It's a power thing. Moving on puts the nail in the coffin of that fantasy. There are many things BM might try to tell your D and I don't think it does much good to try to predict what they are - just know that most of them will be rooted in fear. Make sure you have contact and visitation with her in an iron clad CO, not just one of those "as agreed upon by the parents" vague statement - and be prepared to enforce it with police reports if needed. Your ex will probably resent the new boundaries you have to set more than the woman herself, if you haven't been very clear about boundaries in the past (in our case, issues like needing more notice of events in order to plan to be there or not be there became sticking points, as did BM's expectation that she could call at any hour and talk to my DH for however long she felt she needed). Prepare yourself for the fact that you will - if you are serious about this new woman - have to fight for your D to come visit you and not go up there to visit so much. The new woman in your life will be a bit territorial, and that's normal. So will your daughter be. One of the most powerful things you can do is practice ways to explain to your D that your love for her and your love for your new mate are very different things - there there is absolutely no competition between the two but at the same time, neither one is better or worse than the other. The second thing you can do is just encourage her to form her own opinions about events and people. Unfortunately, she is too young to do that just yet - it won't be for another four years or so that she can understand that her mom might tell her stuff that isn't necessarily true for her own reasons. So if she does ask you things about your new woman, just answer them factually and tell her that you hope one day she will be able to form her own opinion after she's known your mate for a while. Also, it's important to let her know that she personally does not have to like - and certainly not LOVE - your new mate just because you do, but that she does have to be polite and kind to her just like any other adult (like a teacher, for example). That should alleviate the loyalty concern she will have of hurting Mom if she likes this new woman. Obviously your D has teachers she likes and Mom isn't affected by that at all, right? And when she does visit, don't leave parenting to your new mate. Far too many men tend to just assume that because there is a woman in the house she will do the parental things, just as the biomom/wife would - but that's unfair to your D and your mate. You will be the one to do transportation, talk to BM, plan activities, prepare food, shop for stuff, discipline the child (always expect her to follow SM's rules and to respect SM) etc, not SM.

Now, it doesn't have to be all bad. You guys could sail through a rough spot beautifully if your expectations are clear and you continue to treat everyone involved with respect and decency.

[pw7285]

Here is the breakdown:

My ex and I never married but have a child together.  My now girlfriend is the ex-wife of a friend of mine.  He does not have a problem with us together as he feels he failed at the marriage so what can he really say about us.  The also have a child.  The 4 of us used to have dinner together and let the kids play.  The kids have known each other since they were born.  I have watched her son grow up as she has watched my daughter.  The ex considered my now girlfriend to be her friend but they were more like acquaintances. They never did anything together outside of the home.  The only real communication they had was when my ex would call her and complain to her about me for hours at a time.

So long story short, my girlfriend is not a stranger to my daughter.  She is a very good mother to her own son and loves my daughter as well.  The ex would have the same issues with me moving on regardless of it being with a complete stranger or in this case someone she knows.  My girlfriend and I still live in our own homes.  Our plan is to sell my house and move into a larger house that is better suited for the 4 of us when my daughter visits.

Do these cohabitating topics you refer to apply to being engaged as well?  Is that frowned upon too?  

Thanks for your response.

[pw7285]

I fully agree with your assessment of what the ex may be feeling.  In the past I have helped her out with many things outside of my legal obligation.  For example, she is currently in school which I think is good for her.  I have helped her with book reports, essays, presentations, research etc...  She is short on money (so she says) and can't afford groceries, I have sent her $ in the form of gift cards to say Wal-Mart.  Our daughter needs a prescription filled and ex can't afford it, I call the Walgreens and pay for it over the phone.  These are some examples of what I have done not because I felt obligated but because I still feel that I have a responsibility to my daughter or maybe I am just an idiot.

I know the ex takes advantage of it so the fear that she has now is that all that will be lost if I move on.  Helping out with items our D needs is something I will continue to do but in a different way.  Rather than the gift cards I will purchase myself and send.  I don't want to sound like I am giving myself a pat on the back but I do more and get involved more 1500 miles away than most fathers do for their kids who live in the same city.

Our D just graduated kindergarten, sounds strange but cute nonetheless. I flew up to see her perform during the ceremony.  I see my D every 2 months and we talk on the phone almost every day. I had a very good relationship with her teacher and received her progress reports at the end of every session and even had conference calls with her on a few occasions.  I have her medical records from all of her Dr's sent to me every 6 months so that I am up to speed on what is going on with her in the event that something should happen when she is in my care.

I take comfort in knowing that my efforts to maintain a strong, loving relationship with my D are recognized by her.  MY fear is that the ex will try and alter that my planting seeds of hatred and lies into her head just to spite me.  I can't control that part but I can continue my consistent communication and visitations with our D and let her know that she is not being replaced and that daddy is still here and will always be here for her.

Thanks