Boy did I mess up...

[soft dad]

Here's my story... Divorced after 10 years of marriage, 3 daughters aged 17,10,6. When I first left, visits were great, my daughters looked forward to seeing me, I would take my middle daughter to school everyday, they always called me, and I always called them. When my ex found out I was dating someone, she started telling my girls that I care more for my girlfriend and her boys. Telling them I was never around for them anyway, that if I loved them, I wouldn't have left. They weren't even allowed to speak my name in the house.Well, you all know about alienation. Anyway, two years ago she met a guy, he moves in right away, which is fine, the kids liked him, and he seemed good to them. This is when my problems really start. Visits became less frequent, there was always something else they wanted to do with mom and her BF. Trying to be flexible, I would allow it. First it was leaving on Sun. morning instead of evening, then only staying till Sat. morning. then not wanting to come on the Wed. nites. And if ever I asked them why they didn't want to spend time with me, they say "The time we spend together is fine".Toward the end of last summer, I picked them up Friday afterwork, we had plans to go to the beach Sat. About 7:30 mom calls, so as usual I walked outside to let them speak. When I came in they told me they wanted to go home, I said no, this is our time. My youngest daughter started crying (almost hysterically) saying "Daddy, please don't make me stay". So, I let them go. Since then, I have seen my 2 youngest maybe 5 times, and only to take them out to dinner. They won't come to my house, because they "don't feel comfortable around my GF and her sons". My oldest daughter moved in with me last Nov. About 2 months ago, I overheard my youngest daughter call mom's BF "daddy", and he answered. It broke my heart, but mostly made me angry. When I confronted my ex with this, she denied it. Then a few days later, mom's BF comes to pick up my oldest for breakfast with my 2 youngest. Again, I hear her call him daddy. Again I call ex's house, BF answers and says "Whatever goes on in this house is none of your business, if they want to call me daddy that's fine". I told him anything that goes on in my daughters lives is my business. Big screamfest unfortunately. So anyway, my daughters have stopped answering the phone altogether, They went to the father/daughter dance with him. THEY DIDN'T EVEN CALL ME ON FATHERS DAY!!!
I am empty inside. Sorry it's so long, and doesn't even scratch the surface of what has happened to me. I just know it's my fault for giving my daughter's the option of not staying with me. BTW, my child support is above guidelines and ALWAYS current. I'm just looking for support, not opinions of what I should do.
Thanks for listening.

[BelleMere]

You sound like a good guy who has always tried to be more than fair. I firmly believe that the truth will out in the end, altho it is painful in the meantime. Sometimes the kids have to go along with the alienation for survival - just keep doing the right thing, keep your heart and your door open, and be ready for that day in the future when they are free to come to you. Which will happen - it's the bonding in the early years that matters the most, you know.

[Quyrah]

My thoughts & prayers are with you.  I didn't hear from my daughter neither on Father's Day.  Lost my baby girl to her mother's horrible training.  Have done all I can do and am finally giving up.  Not worth the fighting but will continue to try to email and send gifts on holidays etc.  Best I can do until she wants to know more.

I pray that you too will find some comfort one day.

Best to you

Q.

[soft dad]

Q, thank you.. I have given up also (as sad as it sounds). Everyone says they'll come back, but it doesn't make it feel any better. We are missing out on the greatest moments. I just hope karma is for real.

[soft dad]

Thank you Belle, my door will always be open, but for now, my heart is stone. I know that what my girls are doing is out of self-preservation, but not even a phone call??? BTW, my oldest daughter has been living with me for 8 months, I'm still paying CS to my ex for her. She actually reimbursed me for 3months. But she is asking for me to pay half of my middle daughters braces. By my calculations, I already have. The last time my daughter answered my call was just to ask me when I was going to pay mommy for her braces, I just told her that that was between me and mommy. I guess that's enough for now.
Thank you...

[Quyrah]

Soft Dad

Believe you me, I certainly can relate.  This was my second divorce, I lost my eldest children from the first marriage, even though I paid CS and all.  Now they are both in their 20's, I have grandchildren, (which I recently found out) and never knew.  Apparently too, my eldest daughter put her eldest child up for adoption, and I knew nothing about it.   It's so sad but I guess real love comes from letting them be and letting them go.  I pray one day they will come and talk to me.  I've sent out the olive branch, but there's been no reply.  As for my youngest, it looks like I'll have to do the same.  At least no one can say I didn't try.  I have no resources to fight the system.  So I guess the biggest love is to let them go.  It hurts like crazy so generally I try not to think about it.

I relate with you.  Chin up, we'll get through this somehow.

Q.

[glessen]

I feel for you. I am not a father I am a step mom. I see my husband beg to spend time with hs 17 daughter. I don't mean on hands and knees, but telling her she needs to come down more often then just when she needs money or an oil change.

I have seen him stay up until midnight waiting for her to stop by, knowing in my heart that she was not coming by.

BM can be our worse nightmares. For BM has told daughter that dad is a no good SOB and was never there for her.

But they forget who bought her first car, then she totaled it within two weeks and never told dad about it. But insurance gave her $2,000.00 for it. But she wanted dad to pay for another car. Thankfully dad said no but becasue he did well then again he's no good.

It's funny how money brings your kids back.

But we hope that daughter relieses(sp) some day the damage her mother has caused between her and her father. But dad is always there when she needs him.

[Detter D]

I am going through the same thing.....three years of never missing
their visits, loving having them, and then when I dropped the kids
off one day after a heated battle through e-mail about our son...
she lashed out at me and told me she was going to go for sole
custody .....that is where we are now.....ready to go to the GAL AGAIN
We already did this, but the court ordered it because they don't understand why the kids 'suddenly' stopped coming.....PAS and I
don't know where to go with that.....
Never been behind in child support, and the kids always wanted to
come over......this is just a revenge act, and you know the way the
courts are....I'm apt to lose them.....so I do know how you feel
and I sympathize with you, and I, also, never heard from them on
FATHERS DAY....it was so heartbreaking, because I don't know why.

Hang in there and let us know how you make out....I will be very
interested .....  this is so similar to my case....

[Detter D]

I am going through the same thing.....three years of never missing
their visits, loving having them, and then when I dropped the kids
off one day after a heated battle through e-mail about our son...
she lashed out at me and told me she was going to go for sole
custody .....that is where we are now.....ready to go to the GAL AGAIN
We already did this, but the court ordered it because they don't understand why the kids 'suddenly' stopped coming.....PAS and I
don't know where to go with that.....
Never been behind in child support, and the kids always wanted to
come over......this is just a revenge act, and you know the way the
courts are....I'm apt to lose them.....so I do know how you feel
and I sympathize with you, and I, also, never heard from them on
FATHERS DAY....it was so heartbreaking, because I don't know why.

Hang in there and let us know how you make out....I will be very
interested .....  this is so similar to my case....

[backwardsbike]

Hugs to you, my friend.  I'm in the exact same boat.  The other parent has more money adn could offer the kids more fun activites.  i didn't want thm to miss out so I let them.  Bit by bit the other parent and step parent becaem the family.  While I became that place we have to visit that interupts our real life.  

it hurts like hell.  No way around that.  The only diffeence in our stories is that I am the noncustodial mother and my kids are calling another woman "mom".  They call her parents gram and pap and totally ignore my precious father who was so good to them when they were small.  The step mom's family is of prime imporatnce.  Mine is insignificant.  And i never get a call on Mother's Day either.  Or my Birthday or any other holiday.

I never abused my kids, shoot I never even holller at them.  I am not a durrgie.  The last drink of alcohol I consumed was nine years ago and even when i drank I never had more than two drinks at a time and never more than once every few months.  I am a licensednurse, hold child abuse clearances adn have worked as a parent eucator.  Now that's ironic.

But no one ever warned me about PAS.  Not until it was too late.  I thought I was being a good parent.  Putting my children first.  best interest of the child and all that happy &*^%.

But hang on becasue there is hope.  Enforce your visits.  Istarted doing that about three years ago and now my children come willingly.  They express affection for me in my custody.  They will not call me for love nor money from the dad's home.  But Ihave come to see that our bond was not destroyed.  They are just doing what they need to do to survive.

I continue to lobby the court for counseling.  And I let my kids know at every turn that I love them and always will.

If they'll have dinner with you then maybe they will allow you to take them to a movie.  if so I recommed Click with Adam Sandler.  My children chose this movie adn we were all surprised when we went yesterday becasue it has a poignant message aboutthe importance of family and spending and treasuring every moment that you can with your parents.  Anll three of us admitted crying adn my 13 year old DD leaned against me during the part where the importance of parents was evident.  She never makes contact with me any other time.  Never give up.