some advice from the women here...

[dog]

howdy all...

i'm back after many of life's experiences!

anyway, some of you who may still remember my story... i find myself back where i was ten years ago.

i have met a beautiful woman who we hit it off tremendously... this one i enjoy more than just physical.

she is now filing for divorce with her husband of 14 years... she has two great kids, and is using the attorney that i recommended, who will nuke her stbx... he is ruthless, but effective.

i am somewhat riddled with guilt about what her stbx will be facing, as well as concerns that i do not repeat the sins of my past, since she is still married.

my question is for you wonderful women out there... how do i retain a freindship with her without it becoming an affair, or dampening it so much that i lose her altogether?

thanks for any advice... nice to see you all again!

regards,
dog.

[Kent]

Hey Dog,

I was just recently thinking of you (and all the other oldtimers that started this site), and that you had completely disappeared.
Hope you're doing well.

I'm not a woman, and I may misunderstand what's going on there...

But if you are seriously interested in having a longlasting relationship with her, then be just a friend, and nothing more.

She will need 12 months to recover from her separation, and 6-12 months to recover from her divorce. During that time, she will likely need a "rebound", which will last no more than 3-6 months. Make sure you're not the rebound guy...

And, as I really don't need to tell you, just from watching her how she deals with her divorce, custody, parenting time etc. etc. you will see who she really is.

Glad you're back!

Kent!

[dog]

hi Kent...

good to hear from you!

i recall many of our good conversations.

anyway, i am not back as a moderator, but have so many good memories of the good people here with such good ideas...

thank you for your reply and advice... it is wise.  i just don't trust myself in this situation *again* and i am worried i will fall into the same track.

i hope all is well with you.

regards,

dog.

[MixedBag]

I refuse to give "relationship" advice like what you're asking for because I seem to have mucked up too many relationships like that and still haven't gotten it right.

But geez, good to see you here again.

How about an update on your daughter!?!?!?!

[wysiwyg]

"how do i retain a freindship with her without it becoming an affair, or dampening it so much that i lose her altogether?"

Honesty and time

[4honor]

It takes half as long to REALLY get over a relationship as it did in it. You got 7 years to wait around for her to figure it out?

Since she has been in a long term relationship, she will likley go through two or three rebound relationships.

You need to become a confidant. You also need to tell it to her straight. If she is acting bitchy, tell her straight up. If she is being unreasonable, tell her to her face, honestly and yet with some compassion.

Make a deal with her that you will be her "compass". She can always look to you to point the way -- consistently. Then you must make her children's well being your magnetic north.  Keep reminding her that no matter whether she wins or he wins, the kids lose and they did not ask for the divorce. Do not play up the acrimony... (cause if you hurt the kids more in the pursuit of the woman, I will hunt you down and .... you get the picture.)

Your interest in being a true friend -- more than a "yes" man will touch her.

Show her love in everything you do... not romance, but real love. When she is ready, then turn up the romance.  You are trying to accomplish her falling for the real you before she knows she has.

[dog]

ok, i may be looking for that magic bullet!

my daughter is doing wonderful... she has blossomed under the parenting plan that i put together.

she is a very happy, well adjusted child... who loves both her mom and her dad.  this was one thing in my life that i did right, but was against all odds.... i look back now and am very happy i did not take all the lawyers advice.

we continue the week to week custody, and her only complaint is that she wants to change it to live with me and maybe see her mom on the weekends... but, i still believe a child needs both parents, and i still *loath* visitation... for either parent.

thank you for your reply and advice...

regards,

dog.

[dog]

hey, i'm a guy... i have no patience, and am led by two heads  ;-)

but, you are right... thanks.

regards,

dog.

[dog]

WOW...

you must have some psychic connection to my mind... this is *exactly* the route i think, in my gut, is best to take!

you articulate it well... it is not the easiest to do, but i agree with all that you say.

tough love.

thank you...


regards,

dog.

[wysiwyg]

we all have our quirks (ie guy thing and woman thing) but that which does not kill us makes us stornger, and if you do what is right in your heart and you are led with true caring and compassion you will think correctly.