Listening in to phone calls... what do you think?

[Mamacass]

So we found out when we went to court last week that BM was listening in to DH's phone calls with their son.  Dh has never said anything to SS that he wouldn't say that he couldn't say in front of BM, but still, it bothered us to know that she listens in.  Of course she was always looking for something to complain about, so I guess it shouldn't surprise us.  She actually threw a fit once, when she found out that we gave the kids peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner one night.  (It was their request, and since we both work we aren't always able to make a home-cooked meal.)
Anyways, I never thought that we would be the types to listen in to SS's phone calls w/ BM, b/c it almost feels like an invasion of privacy.  However, last night when SS got off the phone w/ his mom, he told DH "Mommy has a bloody eye b/c someone tried to kill her."  (this isn't the first time sh has said something like this to him.)  
So now we're trying to figure out how to best approach the situation.  We're going to put SS back in therapy.  I think we should start listening to the phone calls, since BM is unstable and is telling 6 y/o SS things that are inappropriate.  That way we can help him to understand when she says something crazy.  Since custody just changed and BM currently gets very little visitation, I think we may tell her that we would like for to see SS more, but we can't give her any addition time when she is being inappropriate (which is true).  And if we do decide to listen into the phone calls, I feel that we should let BM know.  It still doesn't feel right, but at least if we're honest about it then it's not like we're trying to be sneaky.  
So what do y'all think?  I would love to hear any ideas or opinions y'all have.

[4honor]

I think it is every parent's job to "monitor" the conversations of those who speak with our children -- other parent, Gparent, uncle, friend whatever. When someone has earned your trust you monitor less. When they betray your trust or do things to harm your child, you monitor as often as necessary (sometimes all the time). I monitor my kids' calls with  my in-laws (long story) because it is necessary for the kids' mental health.

Let BM know that since SS has been confused and frightened by some of the things she has been telling him, that you will tape and monitor every call she makes. Tell her that you would appreciate her not discussing adult matters with him or relaying her misfortunes to him, as this upsets and frightens him. It leaves him feeling powerless.

In the mean while, until she does refrain from these behaviors, you should utilize the tapes to help SS make sense of the matters she has inappropriately burdened him with. SS should not be having to fear for his mother all the time, or suffer from her "extended" paranoias.

Monitoring can mean taping for listening to later, or it can mean listening in, but it should never be with the intent of interfering with the child's time with the other parent.

[mistoffolees]

I would suggest consulting an attorney before implementing the above practice. First, recording conversations is illegal in many cases. Second, many custody agreements ensure that each parent will have privacy in their conversations with the children.

[Sherry1]

We had two teenagers being emotionally and possible physically abused by their stepfather.  BM and her DH wouldn't allow the kids to have unmonitored talks with us and provided a babysitter "BM's sister" to the boys when she was a work.  We were forced to have a cell phone smuggled to them so we could have a private conversation with them to find out what was going on..................

And BM and her stupid DH listening in on calls was in violation of the court order.

[Ref]

Make sure your motives are really because you are worried about your ss's safety. It is easy to come up with excuses to do these things when you are really looking to make her take her own medicine.

What are you going to do if BM says something is inappropriate? You can't file contempt. It would be her word against yours. Make sure you have a plan on how to hande this stuff before you are entrenched.

I think that unless you really feel that your SS is in danger, you should stand the moral highground and make a point of telling your SS that you value his privacy but if there is amything anyone says that upsets him, you want to know so you can help fix it.

When you hear about her saying kookie things (not really harmful stuff), I would have DH write her a letter that this is what his son is saying and that they need to talk about how appropiate it is.

JMHO - Best wishes,

Ref

[Mamacass]

The custody order doesn't discuss phone calls at all.   And when we went to court, BM admitted listening into phone calls, and the judge didn't say anything about it.  So I would assume that we wouldn't be in violation of any order.  Its not that we want to listen in, but at this point we're not sure what else to do.  
Does anyone have any other ideas?  Or are we just stuck waiting for SS to tell us the weird things his mom says?

[wysiwyg]

As a parent I monitor and RECORD my daughters IM's on her computer and she is blocked at certain times of the day to get to the internet.  I also can jump into her machine at any time to  see who and what she is saying online.  Given the publicity of internet predators and the like, do we always know who the children are talking to online and or on the phone?  I am no attorney so I am not giving any advice other than my personal opinions here, but I give a HUGE thumbs up to recording and monitoring any conversation kids have.  Having the knowledge in order to help guide our kids appropriately is good parenting.  Ignoring waht is right in front of us is not.  Personally if recording the phone conversation was against the law and my child was taling to a sex offender and they sued me for doing so I would take that chance as long as my child was safe.

Food for thought: a new thing I have seen at our home with our child, is calls coming in to her that I think are her girlsfriends, but actually a three way call in which the original caller hangs up leaving the third caller on the phone with her all the while making me think she is still talking to her girlfriend..........think about what can happen here........

[Sherry1]

allowing her DH to emotionally and physically abuse YSS.  And I will reiterate that I think it is terribly wrong for a parent not to allow a child to speak to the other parent without montoring.  

[Sherry1]

the other parent.  And, it likely violates a standard court order.

[Ref]

but if there is a good possiblity that the child is being verbally abused etc.. then I can see that being an exception.

ref