poison things...

[olanna]

My fiance` has two boys aged 9 and 11. He gets them every other weekend.  Right now, he is working something called a shutdown, so he is working really long hours.

Question for all you NCP Dad's...(and CP Dad's too)..

His ex told his oldest son that since his father is working long hours, they would just stay with her on the weekend while he works.

Now this really ticked me off, but hey, not my kids.  But I will say that I followed up and reinforced my guys comments to the kids..

They are children and should not be relaying those types of things from mom to dad. And what happens with the boys on his weekend is up to him, not her.

Should the boys really have to stay with her because she feels this is best?

Fiance and I have a big, new home in same town as ex.  I have a son that has become best friends with his youngest son..but they all play well together.  What would be so wrong of them spending some time here with me while he works?  Or how about they go see Papa for a bit?

I can't imagine trying to control my son's time with his father as she does.  I just don't get why she feels she needs to do this.

Any thoughts on how he could best handle this?

[Stirling]

Ola,

The vibe i'm getting is that the BM has some kind of unconscious fear of "HER" children (I'm sure she considers them her sole property)bonding with you.  She really, really doesn't like the idea of "HER" children spending one on one time with you or that you are a positive influence in their lives.  So in sort I think BM is acting on her own insecurities.

Now coming from my own NCP perspective:  If it were me and I had to work during my parenting time I would make whatever arraingements I had to so that I would still exercise my time.  I would would not assume that my SO would take care of my children while I worked.  I would take to her and see if she would like to, but I certainly would not expect her to take on that responsibility free of choice.  I would also consider other family members to spend time with my children while I had to work.  In short, it is my parenting time and it is my responsibilty to make arraingements for their care while on my time.  Just like the BM has this same responsibility during her time.  

I think it was wrong of the BM to assume that she would just "keep" the children because BF has to work during his parenting time.  

[CustodyIQ]

From my perspective:

A) He should do the best he can to be at home as much as possible during his custodial time.  Even if it means working difficult shifts at other times.  Or, negotiating long lunches (to come home) and then working later into the night.

B) If there are no court orders specifying right of first refusal, your husband decides what the kids do during his custodial time with them.

If this is a temporary situation that involves only a couple weekends per year-- and if the father is home for many hours each weekend-- it seems like there shouldn't be a problem with the kids hanging out in your home.

If this is a long-term situation, the mother has a decent argument to point out that the father insists on exercising custodial time during which he is never home.

And that leads me to...

C) If the father has to work during his custodial time, he should write to the mother and propose an alternate parenting schedule so that the kids continue to have quality time with Dad and the mom can care for them during his temporary crazy work schedule.  This protects him against any allegation that he's picking work over the kids.

If she reacts negatively or defiantly to that proposal, she would look like an inflexible harpy in the court's eyes.

[olanna]

Stirling,

I think you are onto something here.  M makes no assumption that I will keep them while he works, but he certainly doesn't want to wait three weeks to see them!

This type of thing only happens every two years, so it's not like we are dealing with it all the time. He actually refuses to work any overtime unless its forced, because she made sure to address the extra income in the settlement and she gets 30% of the gross. (You would think she wouldn't make waves, considering the extra money she gets because *he* gets forced to work once in a while).

They are coming to spend the weekend with him.  And just as soon as the dust settles, he is requesting a mediator to get involved, as he wants more time with his boys.  We all live in the same town and we live so close, the boys can bike over here...I think he needs more time with them, as the boys really miss their Dad. And she is far from a doting parent. Some things she has done have been downright dangerous.

I will support him anyway I can but I am not going to do what I feel is his parenting job.

Thanks for the kind words, Stirling.

[SFMedic]

I've been in that situation numerous times before, being  Active Duty Army, sometimes missing an entire day during a given weekend.  My situation is pretty similiar, I have two teenage boys, who are now 15 & 16 y/o, who for all intents and purposes have been poisoned by the Mother.  It also doesn't help when they are 4hrs away in another state.

Girlfriend, now my 2nd wife, has been around them since they were 6 months / 20 months old, she views and has accepted them as her own.  The "ex" since day of divorce has been vindictive and resentful the entire time, towards me especially and at times the wife, feeling threatened and insecure.  Parental alienation from the NCP is very damaging, and most times you don't see it coming until your on the receiving end.

The bottom line, "you" can't make up for lost time when you have to work, and neither will the rest of your immediate family.  Meaning if you can't be with them, then make every effort that someone from "your side" is having quality time with them.  That way there is a "bond" still taking place, and your immediate family doesn't end up being strangers to them, and more importantly they are getting "positive" reinforcement about you.  Which will be sorely lacking each and every time, and does nothing more than underminine your relationship as time goes on.

I'm dealing with this right now, after they decided not to continue visitation, and going through 4 court appearances over 11 months, missing every holiday last year, which included a restraining order in the beginning, claiming physical and mental abuse, with the hope of trying to terminate my visitation, which was dismissed.

After 14 1/2 years, we went from every other weekend, to only a month in July, with alternating holidays.  Should you ever have to go back to court, be your own "advocate", hear what your attorney has to say, but do not buy into what they have to say 100%, because "you" too can address the court, if your gut is telling you something isn't right, which was a mistake I made.

[olanna]

and believe me, I can feel your pain.  The boys are here this weekend...and he was able to get off the shift, so everyone benefited..we thought.

Of course, she has them call their father to go to a bday party on his time, instead of spend the day Christmas shopping with us. And to that end, they are going.