Divorcing and wondering if my judgement is clouded

[koufax32]

Any thoughts . . . .

Married 17 years, 10 of the years my wife battles with mental issues, OCD, Personalty disorder, Depression. She never really gets better and for no reason goes off her med's. The last year was bad and my 21 year old daughter because of some mental abuse will not talk to her. We are best buddies. So in October she quits her job and goes into a mental hospital for several days and she was sucidial during that time. I decide I got to get out of this situation.

She comes home and I am prepairing to seperate/divorce. Sure enough my daughter sends a terrible email to her that she deserved, and sent her over the edge and she attempts suicide in the home. I was the only one home our 12 year old son was not home. I saved her from ODing, the police came and took her away.

While she is away she makes 2 more attempts. After several days in the hospital she says she is coming home, my 12 year old is terrified. I file a divorce, gain custody of my son and home. She gets served in the Hospital. This is the worst thing I ever have done in my life but I had to protect my son.

So she is out a week and living down the street. I have to bring my son to see her and the feelings are there and she is coming onto me and I have submitted a little.

She has a history of getting better and failing back. To complicate things I found another interest a sweet girl who doesnt deserve to be in this situation but I really like her.

I have control of the divorce and because of her history I am not concerned about custody. Does anyone think I should acept her back as she said she had a life changing experience? Or do you think I should know history will repeat itself, I may lose control of the divorce, I have a sweet girl to move onto. Plus my 21 year old wants nothing to do with her and that hurts me badly.

Obviously there are missing blanks but what do you think?  

[Kitty C.]

No, you are not a 'monster' for leaving her......you ARE protecting you son, and he is your ONLY priority right now.  The thing is, if she's been on meds in the past, then she knows that she should never go off them.  So when she does, it's either because she's in denial or she needs to be re-evaluated, because what she's taking isn't working anymore.

With her history, you should cut bait, run, and never look back.  Do NOT...I repeat.......DO NOT allow her to 'sweet talk' you (IOW, 'sucker' you) into coming back and dropping the divorce.  It's her illness talking, not her.  It may seem cruel to leave someone like that, especially when you have such an extensive history, but like I said you have your son to consider here as well and he needs to be kept safe first and foremost.

IMHO, as for the 'sweet girl', I highly recommend that you cool your jets.  See her ocassionally on a casual basis (and by ocassionally, I mean maybe every 2 weeks or more).  Under no circumstances should you consider any serious relationship or co-habitation at least for 6 months or more.  Your son will have his own issues to work thru regarding this situation.  He will need to grieve, as well.  I would recommend having him seen by a counselor, as everything he's ever known about his mother has just been turned upside down.  Exposing him to another relationship could send him into a tailspin and you certainly don't need to be dating on the rebound, either.

Also, you need to consider the possibility that she just might succeed in a future suicide attempt.  Regardless of the situation, a child losing a parent is a tragedy.  DS lost his dad 4 years ago when he was 13 very suddenly.  He's now in residential treatment and one of the factors that sent him there was not being able to deal with the grief.  Even tho your son's mother isn't dead, the way of life he's known with her is.  He needs you now more than any other time in his life.  And your focus should ONLY be on him for a long time to come, until you both have weathered the storm that is sure to only get worse before it gets better.

One other thing:  get to court as soon as possible and get sole custody with supervised visitation with BM.  She is a danger to herself, so it's logical that she could be a danger to him as well.  Get as much medical documentation related to this as possible and make sure you have a really great atty. who can obtain that info.

[koufax32]

Thank you for your well thought out response.

As of now I do have physical custody of my son as well as use of the family home. It was a temp order but obtaining this will not be difficult considering the history and I do have one of the best divorce attorneys around my area. She got a emergency divorce through in 8 hours.

I think your opinion is interesting and a shared one by many people in my life who think she will simply go down the same path again. She is a abuser with a differant type of abuse. The question always is can she keep it together. Not one person thinks she will.

I did what I did to protect my kids from her evilness, so my son is in my for front. The thought of him getting the abuse my daughter and I have taken was to much for me. She is sweet talking me for sure as you can imagine. I do have my son in counseling, I got him in right away after the atempt and bought him a personal journal to write his thoughts in.

As for the girl I got to figure out how to slow her down, I think she is planning our wedding and all I wanted to do was date here and there fill some gaps in my busy life. I have no intentions on introducing a woman into my sons life for a long time.

[Jade]

>Any thoughts . . . .
>
>Married 17 years, 10 of the years my wife battles with mental
>issues, OCD, Personalty disorder, Depression. She never really
>gets better and for no reason goes off her med's. The last
>year was bad and my 21 year old daughter because of some
>mental abuse will not talk to her. We are best buddies. So in
>October she quits her job and goes into a mental hospital for
>several days and she was sucidial during that time. I decide I
>got to get out of this situation.
>
>She comes home and I am prepairing to seperate/divorce. Sure
>enough my daughter sends a terrible email to her that she
>deserved, and sent her over the edge and she attempts suicide
>in the home. I was the only one home our 12 year old son was
>not home. I saved her from ODing, the police came and took her
>away.
>
>While she is away she makes 2 more attempts. After several
>days in the hospital she says she is coming home, my 12 year
>old is terrified. I file a divorce, gain custody of my son and
>home. She gets served in the Hospital. This is the worst thing
>I ever have done in my life but I had to protect my son.
>
>So she is out a week and living down the street. I have to
>bring my son to see her and the feelings are there and she is
>coming onto me and I have submitted a little.
>
>She has a history of getting better and failing back. To
>complicate things I found another interest a sweet girl who
>doesnt deserve to be in this situation but I really like her.
>
>
>I have control of the divorce and because of her history I am
>not concerned about custody. Does anyone think I should acept
>her back as she said she had a life changing experience? Or do
>you think I should know history will repeat itself, I may lose
>control of the divorce, I have a sweet girl to move onto. Plus
>my 21 year old wants nothing to do with her and that hurts me
>badly.
>
>Obviously there are missing blanks but what do you think?  

My cousin's (both 17) have dealt with parents who are mentally unstable.  It is very hard on them.  They are doing better now that their older brother has custody of them.  

Having a child in a situation where one parent is mentally unstable is not a good environment for them to be in.  It is your job as a parent to protect your child from harm.  Even if that means a divorce.  

If I were in your shoes, I would get the divorce.  

[Kitty C.]

How old is she......20??????  Personally, I'd drop her like a hot potato NOW.  All she can see is the ring and wedding bells............she obviously has no concern for your son or what you're going thru.

I used to frequent another father's site and once gave my 'advice' on what a divorced dad should look for when he's decided to date again.  I don't think I can remember it all, but I do remember the highpoints:

1.  Pay 'very' close attention to how she interacts with men in her family, especially her father and brothers. If her relationships are warm, welcoming, honest and respectful (especially if she talks highly of her dad, if she's a "Daddy's girl'.....I was!), that's definitely a plus.  If she's cold, distant, talks derogatory about them, or won't even acknowledge they are in her life, run the other way.

2.  If she's ever had to 'pull herself up by her own bootstraps', she's someone to seriously consider.  Meaning if she's ever been down and out, but doesn't rely on friends and family to bail her out unless it's a genuine emergency.  But if she's frequently gone to family and friends (needs a place to stay, can't pay the utilities this month, just a couple hundred to turn the heat back on, needs a $20 for gas, etc.), all she's looking for is someone to take care of her, not a partnership.

3.  Speaking of partnerships, she should be willing to stand beside you on all issues that you both agree on, but still be willing to make her own trail in the interests and hobbies she has.  She must be willing to partner and be self-reliant at the same time.

I hope this gives you an idea........it's the same advice I have given my 17 y.o. son.