cell phone question

[wysiwyg]

I know this has been posted about before - but I have an added twist and want opinions please.

15Y SS got a cell phone recently.  He has not been to our home yet with it, so I do not really know if he will be allowed to bring it but I venture to say he will as I think his BM will use it as a short lease for him.

I (SM) say if he brings it, put it up and hand personally to BM when she gets him at the conclusion of parenting time, with the statmemetn that he is not to bring it to our home and to continue to call him on our home phone or either cell if necessary as she has done in the past.

BF says lets see what happens.

True, SS will be calling everyone he knows, but here are my concerns:

1.  The phone has pix, text, video and voice messanging, this can be used for unconventional things that he can give his mother, such as convdersations, pictures videos etc.  I do not have anything to hide, but 14 years in the court room have shown us how anything can be twisted to harm you, and I believe this is an invasion of my privacay and my home.
2.  The phone can be used at all hours of the day/night whereas no quality time will be spent with BF or siblings.
3.  Previous Letters from BM says that the child does not like to speak on the phone - so I think the cell phone will be used for other intentions that are not good, as I have a horrible feeling about this.
4. SS has not called us yet to give us number and I am assuming that BM will tell him not to give us that number.
5. BM has handed out our home unpublished number to all SS friends so no one has a problem calling him and geting ahold of him, additionally he is allowed to IM with his friends when he is here with us within reason, ie not for an entire day but for maybe 1-2 hours a day.
6. BM has our home, both cells and both work numbers to call us at.
7. BM refuses any communicaitn from BF, refuses certified letters, does nto return calls, and when she gets the child, knocks on the door then runs 50 yars away from the door so when it is opened she is long down the road.

Opinions please?  

[Ref]

Concern about court and all for that can be taken care of along with teaching your SS good manors.

Our rules were, no calls or texts during meals and she was to check SD's cellphone at night before bed (she was talking to people involved wit hard drugs late at night). If we were in the middle of a conversation, she was to let the voicemail pick-up OR answer and say she will call back in a few minutes. If she didn't like the rules, she could check her phone during the day as well.

BM also threw out the phone we bought SD and got her one that was supposed to save her money (It actually costs much more, BM is so dumb). She didn't give DH the number because it was the phone SHE got SD and he shouldn't even be caling or texting it.

Anyway, make up some rules like no late night and no mealtime calls and you should be able to be ok.


Ref

[wysiwyg]

Yes I remember someone saying something about rules.  My concerns are the pictures and video messanging, things that happen in our home being sent to BM, and conversaitons being recorded and sent to her as well.  SS has been pegged in court records and by teh GAL and Mediator as a liar, doing things to get his way and for attention.  As it is now, he does things behind our backs, like we told him no on myspace, but he got an acocunt and then swore his older siblings to secrecy, I know about it tho, but have not said anything.  I am mostly concerned that she will interfere with our weekends and holidays, as she always does, and that he will use the phone to do pics, flix and audio and send them to his mom............of course this would be on the sly and we would not know.  UNdertand what I am saying?????

[Ref]

How about this? Make the rule that no cell phones are allowed in the home. If he is out and wants to use it, that is fine as long as you have the number and he is responsible enough to answer your calls within 30 minutes.

He is welcome to use the house phone whenever he is there, but cellphones need to be checked at the door. That seems adequate.

Sd was also banned from myspace in our home. We can only do what we can in our home. She is also not trustworthy. She lost cellphone and myspace privalege because she got caught talking about getting high and drunk on her myspace page. The way wer handled the myspace ban was locking the computer when neither Dh or I was on it. If she wanted to be on the computer, we needed to unlock it which meant we were always around. We also have our computer placed in a public area, so we would check in on her (very slicky) and give her a time limit on the computer.

Her mom, the great parent that she is, allows her to go on myspace and make her postings invisibable, so no one can keep an eye on her. I'm all for some privacy, but SD definatley hasn't earned it.

Point is, I would have all cellphones in the house checked at the door. That would mean yours and the other kids. Then on the way out the door, they get handed back out. All phones are to be put away during family moments outside of the house ie, while eating.

The computer problems can be solved by locking it with a password unless you or dh unlock. This can protect all of your kids.

Just some ideas.

Good Luck
Ref

[wysiwyg]

GREAT Idea on the cell phone, the PC is locked at the router and special rules apply to computers and myspace, ie it gets unblocked upon permission and approval and a time limit, once time limit is reached I block it back up, if they are not off, then oh well, they will learn next time.  THis rule applies to all our kids not just SS.  Computers in all rooms of home, but kids computers have Spector PRo running on them, this records everything on their PC, where they go, all conversations and passwords.  I do not read this info every night, but know it is there if it is necessary that it needs to be read.  

THanks for the tips - we will see waht happens the next time we see SS< which is supposed to xmas day, but last year she denied this so t is a toss up and she refuses to even communicate..........she is leacing town for the holiday, (she is supposed to notify us but never does) and my gut tells me she is gonna pull something like car trouble and can not get back the 25th.................

[wendl]

We live in another state than bm and the kids, when the kids (much younger) brought a cell phone ot our house (imo to young as my son who was older wasn't allowed one)

Anwways, when they brought it to my house the phone went up or with DH.  Then when we got home dh would let the kids retrieve any voicemails mom left and call her back while we were at home.

My son is almost 15 and now has a cell, when he goes to visit his dads side of the family it ususally stays here at home, no need for it, but if it goes to dads, I never call he never calls me, if I need to get ahold of him, I call the landline at the other parents house.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[wysiwyg]

I appreciate your thoughts.  You seem like a level headed person, however BM in this case is not.  She refuses to follow any court order and has numberous contempts and judgements against her for failure to follow contracts, orders etc.  She will use the cell phone as a leash for SS and call him and prehaps drive him nuts, which would be a good thing for him to see her as she is, however I still feel like it is an invation of my home...............sorry got to rambling here.

[backwardsbike]

My X--the Cp in our case bought my NC kids cell phones lat Christmas.  They are the same type as what you describe, they do everything but the dishes.  We had the same concerns.

I allowed them at first.  Then X used them to call the kids to change pick up times and locations without informing me or asking my consent.  CCp constantly puts the kids in themiddle of adult issues..  So I made a rule that they were allowed to have the phones only when outside of thehouse.  We kept this rule in place for almost a year.  it was more trouble than it was worth.  They would forget the darn things and X woul dstorm our front door demaniding them back or I'd have to deliver them to his place of employment.  The kids would try to sneak them in here without my knowledge so it becasme a game of cat and mouse.  Not healthy IMHO.

So in November I allowed them to begin bringing them and using them as they wished.  My kids are 14 adn 17, so for the older one atleast its alomst a moot point.

X called the 14 year old FOUR times the first day!  I kept my cool, documented.  Once he walked past DD and I in the mall then called her to say, "Are youhaivng fun shopping with your mom?"  he is the type who needs to feel he knows everything that goes on and is, in the kid's eyes like James Bond.

But as much as this annoys me I am documenting.  And now that I have allowed the phones, my DD who is the most severely PAS'ed has opened up to me a bit about other cell acitivies.  She admitted dad calls her every single day AT SCHOOL during clas time.  She has figured out how to get out of class adn go to the restroom to answer his calls!  Me thinks the newly appointed GAL in our case may be interested in this little tid bit as it seems excessive to me.

So bottom line is this- the cell phones are a huge pain int he butt.  In our home we act as thought everything is being recorded and every mail is going to be read by the judge and every phone convo recorded.  It isn't normal, and ithas hampered any kind of normal realtionship with the kids.  But PAS is much more like warfare than parenting.  Sad but true.  Sorry you are going thru it too.